You see me,
A mirror, the perfect self
I reflect,
But beneath the silver,
There 's a different surface left.
I am crude and calm
To you,
I am just full of charm.
You love me
I know,
But my core's unloved
Which you have not known.
Beneath the silver
Lies me
By you,unseen.
Myself if i'd give to you
As i am, your love
You will know,
Is for someone else.
I can't be a lying self,
You can't love the truth
I'd rather not hate,
But carry the love
For love's sake.
To keep the love
I'd drift away,
Our love will be memories,
For us,
Unlike the darkest day,
Shining like the sunshine gay.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review!
Wow! What a fantastic poem! There's so much emotion and it's so heartfelt. I loved how you seem to have a dialogue between two people, as if it's a poem written by two people to each other, or a song sung together. It's touching and it seems to speak to the soul as much as to the people writing to each other. I really love this and I think it's an incredible work of poetry!
I do think, however, that some of the lines are a little too hard to follow. This verse, in particular, I find a bit confusing.
"You love me
I know,
But my core's unloved
Which you have not known. "
I don't want to tell you that you should rewrite it, of course, but it's not clear what you mean by the core's unloved, which the other person had not known. I infer it to mean something about a person loving someone without knowing that person fully? That would make sense in context. Having a couple extra spaces between words doesn't help, because it makes the reader automatically assume there is a missing word. I think either putting in any missing words or taking out any extra spaces would help make it more comprehensible to the reader.
I think that overall, this is a beautiful piece with so much potential in it! You're a most talented writer and I think that this piece in particular proves it. Best of luck to you with it!
Sadly, I need to sleep because I'm exhausted. I would love to talk more withy you, though!
Happy Writing!
Toboldlygo
Thanks for the review and you understood it right actually.
This is a really good poem. I think the overall flow is great, and that all the words and lines are fine. However, there are several inconsistencies in this poem. For example, mostly, you uppercase the I's, but in one stanza, all your i's are lowercase. Another thing I noticed, that I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not, was that you would mostly put one space, but then you'd also put two or three spaces, and in one line, you didn't put any.
There is a really good Squills article called the Suspicious Reader. And the author makes some very good points. I think it's in Squills 3/4/19 - 3/10/19 I'd take a look at that.
Overall, a very good poem. I look forward to seeing more from you in the future!
Thanks