Hands,strickingly cold
To one’s eyes lies are told.
In our dying breath and hopes,
Even the wind goes.
Isn’t this something we all know ?
The habit of letting go,
Rolls on the tip of one’s lips
Accompained by the devil’s kiss.
And the bliss to hold on
To a hand not our own,
It’s a lie short lived
And a secret untold.
‘None for anyone’
Is this world’s reality.
Everything’s undone
When you see this reality.
You’ve nothing to hold,
Nothing do I own,
For in our dying breath and hopes
Even the wind goes.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi Tanishka
That is a beautifully deep poem..........I admit it took me time to understand😅😅...........but that makes the poem even better........Really nice.......
"None for anyone is the world's reality" this line hit me hard...
Thanks Night!!
Hi @Tanishka! Beautiful poem!
I like your use of rhyme between "eyes" and "lies" since it's a bit unusual and it surprises the reader. That's what makes a poem stand out and the reader to learn more. The unusualness. In fact, this is really similar to a line from one of Edgar Allen Poe's Poems "Annabell Lee". In it, he said "Ever Dissever" and it was really fun to say. What I'm trying to say is that yes, a poem should usually have good rhyme and rhythm structure, but the more unusual it is, the more attractive and intuitive it will seem. Good work!
I would have preferred if you didn't use "reality" twice here since it's redundant, but that's not a huge deal.
I like the similarities here from the first stanza. First, the repeated use of the last line "Even the wind goes." Please take in mind that there is a difference between redundancy and repetition. For example, earlier when you used "reality" twice, that was redundancy. There was no actual meaningful use of the word, so it was a bit annoying to the reader. However, here when you use "Even the wind goes" the same as from the first stanza, you give the reader a bit of A-ha! when they recognize the line. In addition, you also titled the poem "Even the wind goes" so that was nice too.
Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review!
Cheers and Eggs!
Yoshi
Thank you Yoshi!!
Hi!
This a great poem, you've wrote here. I love the imagery and how deep the theme of emotion is - is it based on a real experience? However, personally for me, it's not too clear who the speaker is, or what they've experienced but the emotion and themes are really good. Maybe that could be something to work on through refining and editing? But other than that, it's a great poem, well done and keep writing!
Thanks!!