Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Lyrical


Belonging

by Tanishka


This is a song,

Neither right nor wrong,

But calls out to the soul

And its long lost goal.

The past tells you a story,

Haven't heard it for a while?

The future is a blurred out glory,

Can't see it alive.

Between the story's noise

And the future lights,

We are lost in the calling

Of a different voice.

The tide fades away,

The sea won't quiet

And life fades away

Searching its voice.

Deep inside,

Beyond infinite sight

Sleeps a light,alive.

Call out to it

Have you ever tried ?

It's beautiful,

What lies beyond the eyes.

If you get a reply,

A sweet subtle voice

Hold on to it,

For it's the awakening of your light.

The voice has no words

Listen to its music,

That's the divine calling,

Then,you know your belonging.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
350 Reviews


Points: 14340
Reviews: 350

Donate
Fri Sep 25, 2020 12:38 am
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Tanishka!

I hope you don't mind if I stop by for a review today! Disclaimer: I'm not usually a poetry reviewer (or writer), so please feel free to take any or all of my advice with a grain of salt!


This is a song,

Neither right nor wrong,

But calls out to the soul

And its long lost goal.


"But calls out to the soul" doesn't really fit here? There's no prelude into it, and it's not saying "despite *reason*, this can happen", you know? This would fit with the previous sentences better if it was "It calls out to the soul", since you're referring to the song "calling out to the soul". It doesn't contradict the previous sentence in a way that it would need to for "but" to be applicable.

Also, personal taste and of course you are free to determine this however you choose, but I think it would read better if the capitalisation was on and off? Like:

This is a song,

neither right nor wrong,

It calls out to the soul

and its long lost goal.


I'm not saying this for grammatical "correctness", because in poetry it's a lot more free than prose (and as it won't be like that anyway), but I think the up-and-down contrast with the lower capitalisation for every other line, at least in the images being conveyed in these ("This is a song" leads into "neither right nor wrong" and "It calls out to the soul" leads into "and its long lost goal", whereas I wouldn't say the same about "neither right nor wrong" going into "It calls out to the soul" because they're just a little more separated with the rhythm you've written in).

The past tells you a story,

Haven't heard it for a while?

The future is a blurred out glory,

Can't see it alive.


The second line here doesn't make sense to me? It feels like it's trying to say "have you heard it recently" or "Have you heard it in a while?", but I'm not entirely sure. The way it's written now, it sounds like the past has been listened to constantly for a while, which doesn't really make sense (unless you're in a history class lol). I'm not sure what you're trying to convey by saying this, so I might suggest you try to reword it to make it a little clearer.

"The future is a blurred out glory" also doesn't make much sense? It's the "a" that throws it off, since "glory" is a descriptor term. You wouldn't say someone has "a glory" (unless it's a morning glory :P), you say they "have glory" or "are glorious". If you will, I might suggest "The future is blurred out in/with glory"?

Between the story's noise

And the future lights,

We are lost in the calling

Of a different voice.


Repetition in poetry is fine when it's used in such a way that it amplifies the story/imagery you're trying to convey, but I'm really not a fan of the words repeated here? It just feels weak here. I would definitely suggest stronger synonyms for these words, and possibly for others ("noise" "lights". they're certainly not bad words and you can use them if you want to of course, but you don't have quite as much time to convey your meaning in poetry, and the right and more specific words can clarify your meaning as well as strengthen the imagery of your poem!) as well.

The tide fades away,

The sea won't quiet

And life fades away

Searching its voice.


Ok, a couple of things here:

1) You mention that "the tides fade away" but then immediately follow with "the sea won't quiet", but if the tide is fading away, then how is the sea not getting quieter?

2) This is another instance where I feel that the repetition harms your poem more than it helps it. Again, repetition has its place in poetry, and it can be really impactful and resonate really well with your meaning! But I don't feel this has enough of that to really have a place here. This goes for both "fades away" and "voice", which popped up just a few lines back.

3) I think "Searching its voice" is meant to be "Searching for its voice". It's an interesting message that's being conveyed if I'm understanding it, though it seemed like this started as more of a personally narrated (I mean that in the sense that one person seemed to have been narrating) poem, now the poem talks about how life is searching for its voice? I don't know if that was your intent, but perhaps if it wasn't, "as you search for your voice" might word better? (ignoring what I said about repetition for a second, because I still stand by that and think "voice" could be substituted for something else)

Deep inside,

Beyond infinite sight

Sleeps a light,alive.

Call out to it


"Deep inside" makes me think of somewhere inside something, hidden, or at the centre of something, but "beyond infinite sight" makes me think of the universe, which kind of clash in my mind? Maybe you intended something different though!

And, once again, I don't think the repetition is favouring you here.

("light, alive" needs a space between it)

Have you ever tried ?


There shouldn't be a space here!

What lies beyond the eyes.

If you get a reply,

A sweet subtle voice

Hold on to it,

For it's the awakening of your light.

The voice has no words


This seems like a lot of things that are happening but not necessarily tied together? We go from "What lies beyond the eyes", but that has no connection to "If you get a reply / a sweet subtle voice" and then that doesn't seem to add up with what has been mentioned before since "Hold on to it" follows it (hold onto the voice? why? It was a light at first, but now if you call out to it, it's beautiful and replies).

Maybe I'm just very tired and this is all going over my head, but I'm having trouble figuring out what you're intending to portray here.

(not to sound like a broken record, but the repetition still doesn't hold any impact for me!)


Stylistically, there's some inconsistencies in your use of both rhymes and punctuation marks. I liked the rhyming at the beginning, but once it went off and on as the poem progressed, I wasn't as fond of it? I would either stay consistent with the rhyming or switch it out entirely.

And then the punctuation marks. Poetry is a little more free form in how it handles punctuation, and you don't really have grammar rules bogging you down, but there's several places where the punctuation just feels random. It actually felt like it bogged down the poem, as it drew my attention way more than it should (being simple punctuation marks). I'm not necessarily asking you to remove all your punctuation if you like it there, but I would suggest that you think about why it is where it is and what purposes it serves to the message you are conveying with your poem.

I said it at the beginning, I think it would break up your poem a lot nicer if you made the second, "follow-up" lines lower case at the beginning. It would just give your reader something different as they read, as to not make it all the same, if that makes sense?


Overall though, this was a peaceful and hopeful poem! Hopefully I did it justice with my review :] If you have any comments or questions about anything I said, please feel free to let me know!

I hope you have a fantastic day! Happy RevMo ^^

Image




Tanishka says...


Thanks



User avatar
392 Reviews


Points: 34125
Reviews: 392

Donate
Tue Sep 15, 2020 9:25 pm
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Hello there! I thought I would stop by and give you a quick review on this poem.

First off, I want to link to a Knowledge Base Article, Stanzas, as this poem is a rather long single section. I would recommend a new format, something akin to maybe a series of quartets, or splitting a couple of the longer lines into two, such as "For it's ... light." This article also describes different techniques you could use in the actual poetry, such as enjambment, in letting the beginning/ending of two separate lines bleed into one another, such as "For it's ... your / Light. The voice." Using different ways to write out the same ideas can be really fun!

In its current state, this poem gets a bit muddied because these lines blur into each other without any kind of break. Since there is punctuation at pretty much every part of this, my eyes continue on and I think a few of these images here either need to be linked better, or might need a bit more specificity to really envelop the reader. We go from a statement about a regular "song," contrast the past's "story" and the future's "glory," which I can envision partly, but then we get throw "voice/water/sight" in close windows.

I would suggest to either introduce the "voice" and "sight/light" earlier into the poem, as I think those are the best lines in this poem, and then to perhaps take out the lines of the tide/sea as I don't feel that they are too effective as a random aside. In addition, I would suggest to not rhyme certain lines and not others, as although that is an author's choice, one or the other is easier for the reader to follow along with. My personal opinion would be to not rhyme at all, as I think that gives you more freedom for word choice and arrangements.

I think the ideas in this are really interesting, and I like the positive message of looking past everything else and into what matters. Although, I think formatting would really help make this meaning more concise and easier to understand. That's all for now!




Tanishka says...


Thanks



User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Sep 15, 2020 8:19 pm
sevynpetronella says...



I like the poem builds towards the end. I didn't really understand what was going on in the beginning, but I see the big picture now. Beautiful :)




Tanishka says...


Thank you



User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 82
Reviews: 40

Donate
Tue Sep 15, 2020 1:31 pm
View Likes
Buranko wrote a review...



Ahhh such cool concepts are used here.
Hi I am Buranko and this is my review on your poem.
Firstly, there is this feeling of confusion that follows me during this poem. It is like I am really searching for that voice, the main motif in your poem, in places unknown and unexplored.
Reading it I discovered that this poem is describing life of a person as a journey. But also I strongly believe you are talking about a poet's condition in the world.
I can see it clearly: someone sits at his/her desk wanting to write. But that spark is missing. He or she tries desperately to grab to any idea and make it work, however, nothing is playing in their favor. Time passes, he or she doesn't give up. Then in a sudden moment "the awakening of your light" ( loved this metaphor) shines upon them. It is a gentle light that embraces their mind and soul, kindly caressing it. That is inspiration.
Really great poem, almost nothing to say against it. Well there are those lines: "the tides fade away/the sea won't quiet/and life fades away". You repeated fades away and it kinda harms the flow of your poem. Try replacing the second fades away. You could use some really cool metaphor like "and life slowly closes it's gates".
Good luck, keep up the good work!




Tanishka says...


Thanks so much Buranko. :)



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 14056
Reviews: 200

Donate
Tue Sep 15, 2020 11:23 am
View Likes
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hi, Tanishka!

I will begin by saying I really like this poem. I had a strange but pleasant feeling while reading this; the sense of semi-spirituality and a dreamer's mind got to me. Your diction is quaint and enjoyable, and I don't have a problem with the lack of stanzas. I'm also glad you avoided a rhyme scheme; I think it would have tied you down in this case.

Please discard any tips you find unhelpful!

But calls out to the soul

And its long lost goal.

There ought to be an "it" right before "calls," and a hyphen in "long-lost" would be nice.

Haven't heard it for a while?

Why is there a question mark here? It's the wrong punctuation to be used.

The future is a blurred out glory,

Can't see it alive.

These two lines complement one another, I think. The first seems to be the hint of something wondrous, veiled by time, but the second is a lament that the narrator will not see it in their time.
Is that what you meant?

We are lost in the calling

Of a different voice.

Very nice images here, but why "voice" specifically?

Searching its voice.

I think there's a "for" missing here?

Call out to it

Have you ever tried ?

The first line could be punctuated with a semi colon at the end.

It's beautiful,

What lies beyond the eyes.

As are these lines!

The voice has no words

Listen to its music,

That's the divine calling,

Then,you know your belonging.

This was a WONDERFUL end, except for the last line. I don't know why, but it just didn't seem to work. You could tweak it a little. Maybe try cutting down on the number of syllables?


Anyway, my overall impression is that it's excellent. The beginning was a bit meh compared to the rest of it, so you can try improving that, but it's still a good poem. I would love to see more of your work, old and/or new!
Keep writing!
- Lee




Tanishka says...


Thanks for the advice Lee :)




"If fortis was here, we could have a teal party"
— Pompadour