My Messed Up Life - Part 4

Part 1: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=98473

Part 2: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=98716

Part 3: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=98765

Please give me suggestions on the title because I hate it right now.

I was trembling, shaking in his arms. I broke out in tears again and fell to the ground. I suddenly could comprehend what I had said. Xander would kill me and I had no clue when. I would just disappear without saying goodbye to anyone. How would he do it? Gun? Knife? Nathan held me tighter than ever before, purposely falling with me.

“I will never let you go,” he told me, convinced that he’d be able to stay with me forever. But trust me, if Xander wants to kill me, Nathan will go too. Why didn’t he kill me last time? He had been so close.

“He will kill me, Nathan,” I repeated, “I’m scared.”

“Of course you are. Just remember how much I love you, yes?” he said it as if he was leaving me this very second. 

“Don’t leave me,” my voice wouldn’t get any louder than a whisper, “Please.”

The tears flowed from my eyes more and more. This could be my last day, he could murder me tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Maybe it would be a week or two. Or maybe he would kidnap me today and I would be dead in the next few hours. 

“I cannot, I will not let him kill you,” he sounded angry. Not at me, at Xander. “I am staying here with you until Xander gives up. Or your mother sends me out...”

“She won’t,” I assured him. He moved to the couch, his hand still holding mine, and we talked for longer. At first I cried but he tried to take my mind off it all, still sitting really close to me and holding me protectively though. Suddenly, Mum entered the house, ruining everything as always.                                                                                                                                                 “Who’s this?” she asked, pointing rather rudely at Nathan as if he was some kind of disease. I got up and walked over to her.

“My boyfriend,” I smiled, as confidently as I could, “he was just leaving now.” I turned to him and rolled my eyes so he knew that it was only Mum I was annoyed at. I thought it would be easier to just let him leave after her reaction.

“Yes, I am sorry. I forgot to introduce myself,” he said to Mum so politely, “I am Nathan.”

“Yes okay, you’re leaving?” she was so vulgar it was diabolical.

“Mum! Don’t be so rude!” I exclaimed. Nathan smiled as a goodbye, came over to kiss my cheek and whispered ‘I love you’ quietly enough so she couldn’t hear. He waved at Mum as he left. That wasn’t awkward.

    Mum just lectured me about how I shouldn’t be tied in a relationship too soon and all that rubbish I didn’t care about. I didn’t bother to tell her about Xander. I didn’t want anyone except Nathan finding out. Besides, I wasn’t anywhere near as close with Mum as I was with Dad.

    I stayed in my room, confused, fearful, longing for everything to be sorted for once. I didn’t find it fair. I didn’t do anything wrong. I tried my very best to sleep. Thought about fairies, Nathan and even lowered myself to counting sheep. Nothing. I was awake the whole time. Nothing would make me forget what Xander had said to me. I’d had a lot of time to think that night. I had to run away. This wasn’t helping Nathan, Mum couldn’t find out. I can’t bear any of it. I’m leaving, for good this time. I subtly packed my things in a rucksack (as much as I needed anyway) and crept downstairs. I decided that I had to take some money, I’d be killed before prosecuted anyway, and opened the front door as quietly as I could. I left. I didn’t run this time, just walked quickly. I was unprotected now. Xander could find me any time and he wouldn’t hesitate. I remember what happened last time. It was a year ago. We’d been arguing but I don’t want to remember what it was about. Xander got angry with me and took a sharp knife from the drawer in the kitchen. He threw it at me and it slit through my t-shirt and through the skin of my stomach. I remember falling to the granite floor as he screamed that I’d deserved it. But everything else is still a blur. I just know that I’d woken up in hospital. And Xander wasn’t there. It hurt, a lot. The pain in my stomach back then was literally indescribable. Why didn’t I tell anyone? No proof. I didn’t want to either. I should tell everyone now. But as if anyone would believe me.

    Walking through the countryside, I discovered that there was nowhere for me to stay. I knew I had to say something to Nathan though. Got my phone out and called him, hoping he’d pick up. Voicemail... I left a message saying, “Nathan, I love you so much, I hope you know that,” and hung up. That was hard. It was about eleven in the morning when I found somewhere to sleep later that night. I knew I looked like a total hobo but I didn’t care. Soon I would have vultures picking at my dead body. Or would it be more glamorous than that? The posh bejewelled coffins or those fancy mahogany boxes for my ashes? Whatever it would be, I wouldn’t know because my soul would be dying in Hell for ever getting involved with him. Shame on me...

    Unexpectedly I was homesick. Already? I wanted to be curled up on the couch with Nathan watching some stupid reality programme on TV that I’d forget about five minutes after it was over. I wanted to wake up in my own warm bed the next morning and be ready to face the world, however unbelievably strange that may be. I wanted to not be alone any more. I’d been wrong, I know.

    Frozen, longing for Nathan to be trying to warm me up, I lay on the muddy ground. I felt my phone vibrating; I was receiving a call. Oh hell, Mum. I let it ring until voicemail. Listening carefully, she said, “Where the hell are you now? That boyfriend of yours doesn’t know where you are and I’m worried about you. Please come back or at least call so I know you’re safe. I love you.” I threw the phone on the floor, it didn’t break thankfully. Why did she pick now to care about me? Idiot. Oh God, the phone vibrated again. This time it was Nathan. It seemed to never stop and I was so tempted to answer but I couldn’t. Not now. Not now I’ve left. I listened to his voicemail too, “Darling, I need you to tell me where you are. Your mother is scared as Hell and I am so afraid that you are going to give in to Xander because you are so much more vulnerable on your own. Please do not let him get you because I need to see you alive and hold you at least one more time. I love you, come back.” Stupid tears again, ruining my strength. Could I stop him from getting me though? No, if he gets the chance to kill me, he will. Will Nathan hold me again? Of course not, there’s no time. I observed the scar on my stomach from the first attempt, so ugly. That probably won’t ever disappear. 

    It had been a couple days since I left town. I was hungry and rapidly losing weight. As for sleep, I was lacking. My phone was out of battery because of all the calls I’d been getting from Nathan. Mum had given up as I expected. My body was out of battery too. But then it occurred to me that I should try and confuse Xander. He’s trying to make my life Hell, which at the moment it is working, but I could seem happy by it all. That should puzzle him. If I killed myself first, then he wouldn’t get the satisfaction. Ha, that would fool him. I got a knife out of my rucksack and rolled up my sleeve. I took a deep breath and lowered it to my skin. It began to bleed. I couldn’t bear it. I took the knife away and cleaned it and cleaned my arm. That wasn’t too fun. It stung and reminded me of the large cut in my stomach. Never would I do that again. But then he’d win. Why should I care anyway? I was sick of sitting there alone. My insanity had left the universe. I cried again, I’d been so stupid to cut myself. That’s what those depressed teenagers do. I am not one of those.

    Eventually, the bleeding stopped and I lay down, ready for sleep. Or none as the case may be. But I heard a familiar voice. Don’t come here, don’t come here, I thought. What if the person saw it? That wouldn’t be good, especially if it was Nathan. Damn, it was.

“Oh God, Skylar!” he exclaimed running towards me. He kissed me and smiled, relieved that he’d found me and obviously planning to take me home. I was going to be stubborn.

“How’re things?” I asked casually.

“What?” he looked at me with almost anger, “you have disappeared from us and left us pulling our hair out with worry and you ask me how things are?” I sighed and looked down, knowing it was stupid to act like this in front of him.

“You’re right, it was pretty stupid,” I pulled my top down as subtly as I could to cover the scar entirely.

“What is that?” he asked with his irresistible concerned face. Damn, I was hoping he wouldn’t notice.

It was a year ago, nothing to worry about,” I replied, panicky now.

“Was that what Xander did to you?” I nodded. But then he noticed my arm, “And that?”

“Oh, yeah that was him too,” I lied. He wasn’t convinced.

“It is too fresh, has he come for you?” he was breathing quicker. I sighed, unable to lie to him much longer.

“No, I am so sorry,” I held back tears. I wasn’t going to cry now.

“Oh please tell me you did not do this to yourself,” he warned, I lowered my head in shame. I didn’t want to see him if he was disgusted by me. “I cannot believe you! I try my best to make you feel alright and this is how you thank me for it?” 

“I didn’t mean to, I was going crazy!” I protested.

“Save it. You were only gone for a few days. Maybe I should not care. You do not seem to be taking any notice anyway,” he said, heartlessly, and walked away.

“Hey! Do you want to just leave me here?” I shouted at him. It didn’t seem to matter. It was true; I had been totally pathetic. I got the knife out again. I was about to cut my arm again but managed to stop myself thinking of the pain I felt. It wasn’t satisfying. I put the knife back in the rucksack and put it on my back.

    I ran back home; this took a few hours, unfortunately. Running into the house, I hugged Mum tightly. She told me how much she’d missed me and I replied in the same sort of soppy way, to make her happier. She asked if Nathan knew I was back and I told her he didn’t and that he wouldn’t care. Obviously, she was troubled for me but she shouldn’t have been so I ignored it. I smiled and went to my bedroom to charge my phone and try to get in touch with Nathan. I had to call four times before he answered. His voice was so unfamiliar, so annoyed.

“I’m so sorry!” I began.

“For God’s sake, shut up about your uncontrollable cutting problems,” he snapped. That was hard to listen to.

“I don’t have uncontrollable cutting problems. It was once and I hated it,” I half explained.

“I really believe you, do I not? Tell me why I should love you,” he asked.

“Because I couldn’t be more sorry and I hate how I always mess up. You have to realise that I’m nowhere near as perfect as you are.” I was desperately trying to make him forgive me.

“I know I should not care about you, and it is stupid that you did that,” he told me. My stupid, pathetic crying was probably really loud on his end, “But I cannot help it,” he added erratically.

“I care about you too,” I sighed.

“Why would you do that?” he asked, disgusted.

“I don’t know. I just thought that it would confuse Xander if I tried to kill myself. I was going mad,” I explained.

“Yeah right... Just promise me you won’t do it again,” he said. 

“I promise,” he said bye to me and we hung up. It was a difficult conversation but I managed it somehow, even if I did cry wildly. I don’t know how I would cope with all this murder stuff without him. I would’ve given in. I just don’t know what I’m going to do now.