That guy. He loved me. I was his life. I meant more to him than life. That guy was called Tyler. We were friends, great friends. He asked me to go on a date with him sometime. I told him I couldn’t be in a relationship after the heartbreak I’d been through in the past. He understood, but we didn’t talk since. It should have been a sign. I should’ve known what was going on. I found a boyfriend a few weeks later. He was called Luke. Some would have thought I lied to Tyler. One thought I was cheating on Luke. But that is a different story. I missed talking to my old friend. I loved him, as my best friend ever. So I stupidly decided that maybe he would talk to me again if I broke up with Luke. Therefore I managed to convince myself that there were some faults in my truly fantastic boyfriend. In the end I broke up with him, persuaded by myself that he didn’t love me. As soon as I did this, I received a text from my old closest friend. I was so pleased. I looked. It said that he doesn’t want to waste his life talking to me. That he never wanted to talk to me again. What hurt me most was that he laughed about it to his so-called friends. I could hear them. They joked about me. He thought it was cool to hurt a girl. He thought it was clever to say such horrible words to me and to make me feel unimportant. It was wrong. I was annoyed; totally furious. I told myself how stupid he was. He had done this once before. I wondered why I’d ever let him back into my life. But then I remembered. Whenever I was down, I would remember that there is someone out there who loves me. But now there is no one. So there was a part of me who wanted him back, who wanted him to care again. I don’t know why. He was cruel to me, so why should I have cared? Soon enough, all of my heart wanted him to care. I cared about him so much that it hurt. He used to care for me. I was his world and he was mine. We were perfect. We would laugh and joke about everything and spend all our time with each other. Nothing could have stopped us from being friends. Until Luke. I cried about Tyler to my other friends who told me that he was only jealous of Luke. Tyler had changed. Now he was just one of those guys and I hated what he had become. I wanted him to be who I’d loved and cared for. To be the guy who had been my closest friend, who I trusted and could tell everything to. But I am nothing to him. Yet he is everything to me.
With that said, I don’t love him.
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140,766 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi TheWorldIsMyLife.
I am GeeLyria and I am here to review for you.
I am going to be honest with you, I didn't quite enjoy this. And that is because you're talking about a situation that is common in a very common way. To me, this was like the lost page of my neighbor's diary. The character is whining all the time, telling what she thinks is true and then what?... Maybe the problem is not what you're telling us but how you're telling it. It is so simple and simple is good, but you didn't show us something different other than facts... It's like I'm stalking someone's depression. Lol. What I would like you to do is to show us, the readers, how you see the world, how you feel about situations... Be flexible! Be creative. I know you can do it, and I look forward to read more of your works.
Have fun!
~GeeLyria
I don't have anything else to add to what dragonrider has already said.
A decent little piece but it needs some work. Don't be disheartened though as we all have to start somewhere: nobody ever wrote a masterpiece on their first attempt, it takes practice, practice, practice!
Take dragonrider's advice and you'll improve drastically, and don't just read the suggestion without following through with it. If you re-write the story it'll help you better understand the problems with it and how to avoid them in the future.
Overall, a decent start with potential and I wish you the best for your future!
The world is my life,
Overall, this story was very confusing.... You didn't have a organizational system--there were no paragraphs or anything. Everything was written on one line, which is very confusing to distinguish thoughts from actions. It's a little off-putting.
"In the end I broke up with him, persuaded by myself that he didn’t love me."
This sentence is VERY awkward and is not worded very well.
Another thing, all of your sentences are short and choppy. You need transitions between the sentences, before stating action after action. Instead, it could be written like:
"In the end, I broke up with Luke. With bitter tears and a broken heart, I persuaded myself that Luke didn't really love me. I sprinted home, and grabbed my phone. With trembling fingers, I texted Tyler. I told him that I broke up with Luke, that Luke was a liar, and I asked Tyler if we could hang out together again.
I pressed SEND.
He will understand.
My heart raced as I waited. Suddenly, I heard a PING. For the first time in weeks, Tyler had texted me! I opened the message with a grateful smile. However, Tyler had written, "I don’t want to waste my life talking to you. I NEVER want to talk to you again. Also, it was a mistake breaking up with Luke. Who will love you now? XD"
What was left of my broken heart was smashed into millions of pieces. I fell over, cradling my phone to my chest and I sobbed."
"Some would have thought I lied to Tyler. One thought I was cheating on Luke. But that is a different story."
Who are these "some" and "one" that you mentioned? Are they your friends? People at school? Tyler's friends? You need to be pacific, because the reader doesn't know who these "somes" are. Also, what is this "But that is a different story."?
"He had done this once before. I wondered why I’d ever let him back into my life. But then I remembered. Whenever I was down, I would remember that there is someone out there who loves me. But now there is no one. So there was a part of me who wanted him back, who wanted him to care again. I don’t know why. He was cruel to me, so why should I have cared?"
This paragraph completely changed the dynamics of the story. One moment, Tyler was jealous of the character, because he loved her, and when the character broke up with her boyfriend, Tyler suddenly hates her. Also, the "he had done this once before." is VERY confusing. What is this "once before"? Did Tyler stop speaking to her before of jealousy? Did he bully her before? What is this ONCE before?
"Nothing could have stopped us from being friends."
This quote completely contradicted the quote from above!
"I wanted him to be who I’d loved and cared for. To be the guy who had been my closest friend, who I trusted and could tell everything to. But I am nothing to him. Yet he is everything to me."
"With that said, I don’t love him."
Again, these quotes completely contradict each other! Does she love him, or is she deluding herself again? Also, this is a really weak ending! The ending completely contradicted the very idea of the story!
This story has potential, but it needs some work. Just put some organization in there, fix some of the grammar, put some transitions in the story, and explain the loose ends or the unexplained or contradictory sentences.
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider