Young Writers Society

Hello World,
I'm here finally. Sorry for the wait. I've been busy with school.

May I suggest, on first glance, to separate each paragraph with a line. It makes pieces easier to read. Break up some of the larger paragraphs. Your pacing is very fast, so it's a bit difficult to correctly comprehend the way you have it.

The forest reminded me of Snow White. The trees almost evil looking. It was autumn so the ground was a blanket of leaves.

I decided to sleep. There was no way I would be able to find home any time soon.

Xander was across at the other side of the room. Yet he wasn’t that obsessive person who I knew, he didn’t even seem to acknowledge my existence. He was with someone else and I instantly felt a pang of jealousy which was really odd. I didn’t love him, he had lied to me. He was a cruel person who deserves to be dead. I am so mean... Xander saw me in this somewhat ridiculous nightmare. He ran up to me and slammed me against the wall. He began screaming words at me but they didn’t make any sense. Suddenly, he called my name and fell to the ground. I just glared at him, and I seemed to know what was going on (but thinking back, this was totally impossible). I felt him take my hand and he said my name again and again, this time quieter. The girl he had been with approached me from behind and held my shoulders. They smiled at each other. They seemed to be conferring about what to do to me but I was completely oblivious to their silent conversations. Xander lay down in front of me and the girl copied him but behind me. I only stood and didn’t react to anything they did. He whispered my name again. It seemed to never end, both of them saying my name constantly. His face transformed into some sort of black smudge all over his face. I turned back to the girl whose face had transformed in the same way. Xander said “Darling, wake up now,” in a different voice and the dream ended.

“Your skin is like ice, but you were sweating. Were you dreaming about something weird?”

“Hey,” he tried to assure me everything was fine. It didn’t work, he had never been too good at helping me feel better, but he tried. He put his hand on my cheek and I placed my pale hand on his wrist so I knew that he wouldn’t leave me. He kissed my short, coffee coloured hair slowly. The tears continued to flow down my cheeks and they touched the fingers which held my face. He lifted my head to kiss my lips. It wasn’t romantic, just friendly. It didn’t mean anything, but he was helping.

Xander stood in front of us but did nothing.

“You know what happened. You deserve to die,” I was so angry with him.

“Why are you walking so fast?” I asked, clearly confused. Nothing. He maintained his speed and I tripped now and again trying to keep up with him.

The beginning to your story was interesting, but it become too confusing and hectic from then on. Work on organizing these grand ideas that you have so that your readers can easily see what you want them to see. If a reader doesn't know what's happening, your story loses so much meaning. Also, your dialogue did not seem real to me. You need to try reading your dialogue out loud to yourself to try and see if it would actually be said in normal conversation. Besides all of that, you have a very promising story ahead. Happy Writing!

LOOOOOVE this story. The beginning was just enough to really pull me in. Wonderfully sculpted.

I like this a lot. I think the whole thing is very intriguing and it leaves me wanting to know more. I love that you started with action because it can get really boring when people are just endlessly describing things. But then again, I think you could use a little more description. Maybe a little bit of what the characters actually look like would be nice, woven into the writing so it's not boring and all that.

You seem a little bit rushed at times too. Like, she just falls asleep in the forest? I understand why, she's exhausted and lost and wouldn't be able to find her house if she tried, but it seems like it would take a while for her to actually fall asleep. You go directly to the dreaming practically right after she lays down. Then wouldn't she be worried about Xander following her? She seemed almost scared of him, and I almost get the vibe that he was abusive or something from this (it is just the beginning though so I could be very wrong) so I feel like she would stay awake even after deciding to sleep to make sure she didn't hear footsteps or something.

Which leads me to Nathan. I liked how you portrayed his character and made it seem like he was caring and made an effort to comfort her even if he couldn't (which I think already shows a sort of flaw, like MiaParamore said you should incorporate), but again, maybe moving on to fast from her dream? Was there a significance to the dream that will show up later in the story?

And then you said " He lifted my head to kiss my lips. It wasn’t romantic, just friendly." which, to me, is weird. I think that "friendly" kisses might be, like, on the cheek, or the hand, the forehead, or the hair or something. But a kiss on the lips seems very romantic. I don't know, maybe it's just me because nobody else has said anything about that.

I like how you dove right into Nathan and Xander, though with how protective it seems your trying to make Nathan seem over the MC, I thought he might have had a stronger reaction to Xander.

Overall, this is a really great piece and I'd love it if you kept me updated on when you update . Sorry if I was harsh or clueless (I've been told I can be both) but I do hope I helped at least a little! Keep me updated and keep writing!

-Raelyn

Hey againWorld!

So, this is a very confusing and interesting start. It's a great way for trying to hook the reader in.
I did have to read once again to be sure of what was happening. This can be fixed if you add proper spaces and paragraphs while writing it out. For example, put the whole dream sequence in a separate para. White space makes it easier for reading.

The forest reminded me of Snow White. The trees almost evil looking. It was autumn so the ground was a blanket of leaves.

Hey there!

So, I read through this and even though it wasn't the most exciting work I can see it was interesting. I'm dying to know what exactly had happened to make the girl hate Xander so much. At this point, the reason that he lied does seem a bit silly but we'll see what you have in store for us in the future.

I found Nathan actually cute. The way he treated the MC was tender and caring. So, he's a good hero for a romantic novel. That being said, I'd like you not to make him perfect. Work on him like he's a human-give him some flaws. I'm sure you'll make a good, interesting character out of him.

Even though you did describe the surroundings to some extent, I was a bit bored when she was running. When I have to imagine her, I can see only blackness and a girl running so fast that it seems she's flying. So, give some surrounding around her. Even though she's sprinting, she does have some time to look around.

You've kept their ages a mystery. I like that, but make sure you do work on that. Right now, since it's the beginning, it's not important but your readers should have an idea how old their MCs are.

So, you've left us at a cliff-hanger and I'd totally love to see where it goes from here. Do keep me informed, 'kay?

One caution: Since it's romantic and till now seems like a love triangle, you'll have to make every effort to make it different and not let it become a cliche. So, be careful.

Best of luck! Hope this helps! ^_^

Hey Gaiya! You've got a pretty name.

So, I won't lie. The reason I clicked your piece was because of your title. I was really interested to know more about Africa. It's a continent that has always fascinated me, and I was dying to read something from there.

About the 'ask Google' thing, I think it was a bit of humor on your part? If it was, then I liked it. But other ways, I'd go with Hannah. She does have a point. But ultimately, the choice is yours.

In Nigeria, very few families had Christmas trees and decorations during Christmas. This is so in my home.

i'm speechless seriously,
but you do have to work on your character speech

adelina

I am very interested in your story, however, it is too hard to try and read with the way you have it formatted. When somebody speaks it should be on a line of its own. Also subjects that explain different things then before should be the beginning of a new paragraph as well.

Maybe you know all this and are like uhhh yeah crazy lady the stupid website messed my awesome story up. Try to fix it when you can and drop by and let me know when it's cleaned up a bit!