My body was numb with pain as I lay on the ground. The seven year old boy who stood in front of me was supernatural. With a cock of his head a searing pain burned my flesh; he could torture me without even moving. He was magic, and it terrified me.
“Leave me alone!” I screamed at him. I couldn’t handle the intense pain this child was inflicting upon me much longer. The boy said nothing. His indigo, innocent eyes were not blinking or moving and his expression was unchanged. A sharp pain hit me as if someone had kicked me in the gut and I screamed again.
“How do you hurt me?” I yelled; my voice hoarse from the constant screaming. The young boy looked so blameless and incapable of torture, but managed it with such ease. He pointed a finger at me and it seemed like agony was injected into me. My mind flashed back to the last time I saw him.
“How about pancakes?” I asked. He was four years in age. A happy young boy with no troubles.
“Pancakes!” he exclaimed, jumping around my kitchen. He was a sweet kid so I was happy to give him what he wanted.
“What toppings do you want?” His eyes lit up like stars in the night sky.
“Toffee!” he shouted, running to my cupboard. His hand shot up with the bottle of toffee in his hand. I chuckled.
After making the pancakes, I set the plate on the table. We sat down as he drenched the pancakes in toffee sauce.
“You never told me your name. Your mother wouldn’t tell me either,” I asked, purely out of curiosity.
“Mama won’t ever let me tell you my name. My friends in school know, even the yucky girls,” he replied. His face held a disgusted expression when he said girls.
Three years had passed since that day. He had gained power over the years. He had learnt how to kill.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me your name?” I shrieked. He was trying to murder me. I didn’t know how I could think straight. I couldn’t feel my body. The ache began to take over, every breath getting difficult.
“Explain why you couldn’t tell me! Tell me why you told the other girls! You said yourself that you hated them!” I felt lightheaded.
“Mama said I’d kill you. She hated you from the start! So did I, you are evil. It’s time for you to leave. But I can’t help it anyway, I was made to murder you,” he said. That was the first time he’d spoken to me in those three years. I was fifteen now. I was his babysitter when I was twelve. We hadn’t talked since. He had been destined to kill me. A seven year old child. His figure hovered over me. His face red with rage and knuckles white with cold. I only heard one thing before my soul slipped away:
“My name is Austin Ashford.”
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"The seven year old boy who stood in front of me was supernatural. Somehow, he could torture me without moving."
This sounds a tad bit choppy, maybe try saying something along the lines of: "With a cock of his head a searing pain burned my flesh, he could torture me without even moving." Other than that though I really like your opening, way to throw the reader right into the action. Nice job there.
"or moving, and his expression didn't change"
Nice, I like the use of indigo, way to put a good strong picture into the reader's head. Although tiny nit pick here, try saying: or moving, his expression was unchanged." just to try to shorten the writing up. Try to omit all useless words whatever chance you get.
"the pain had taken over..."
Nice line, you use great imagery throughout this entire piece, which is excellent. Although you've used "pain" a few too many times, try substituting it out a couple times with a different word. Look it up in a thesaurus if you need to.
"She hated you from the start! So did I. You were evil."
Ok so minor grammar nit picky stuff, I find the boy to be more intimidating if he is monotone or just sound innocent. So take out the exclamation point and add in a comma after "I," so it'll look like: "She hated you from the start. So did I, you are evil." Also, he is evil, currently, not past tense.
Nice ending, quite dramatic and retains the reader's interests. I almost think that this should be a book and you should build more on it. I really enjoyed reading this piece, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thanks, this really helps
Hi, TheWorldIsMyLife. You said you needed quick reviews, so here I am.
This piece was...interesting, I have to say. The idea was fairly engaging, and I like how dark it is. You've got some potential in this, I'll tell you now.
Still, as interesting as the idea is, it didn't entice me in a way I'd normally associate with a short story - to me, it felt like a prologue, the sort of piece that leaves you wanting to know more rather than with a full understanding. Why does he want to kill her? How did this boy go from innocence to all-out torturer? Why is he magical? Is he even human? Why is his name so significant? Either I'm missing something (sincere apologies if I am) or there is much that hasn't been aptly explained, and in a short story I think you need to finish it with a fairly grounded understanding of what has taken place.
So, that's my only main concern. I'm just a bit confused about the context and reasoning behind this child's actions, and I can't help wondering if the subject matter is too complex for the length of the piece. Nonetheless, it is interesting, and if you can slip a sentence or two in about the motives I'm sure it would be vastly improved as a story.
Anyway, good luck with the contest. I hope this helped a little. PM me if you've got any questions, I'll be glad to help in any way I can.
~Dark
Thanks for the help, it's hard to add in what you were saying with the 500 word limit but I've added a a vague idea with one little sentence about how he was made to kill her