My heart is a lonely hunter
which is trapped in rib cages
made of thorns.
It's toxic the way it loves
passionately, but then, not at all.
No love can abide in such a
desolate place.
It's become nothing more than a
deformed organ.
Everyday I wake up a stranger
to myself.
I'm not living, I'm just killing time,
before time kills me.
My sadness is neither beautiful nor
poetic.
It's so exhausting to feel everything and
nothing all at the same time.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,516 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Excellent poem, I must say. I don't have much to critique here (nothing major, anyways), so I'll just move on to my interpretation and what I like about it.
First of all, I love this:
This is a brilliant inversion on your part.
I can envision a whole bunch of people who might feel like this. Someone who has lost someone, or been harmed otherwise. Someone who is staring down at someone they had just recently murdered in rage. It's interesting to think about what kind of person this poem could possibly personify. I could see a novel forming around this poem, focusing on some sort of broken person who lacks the ability to love.
I love how you slightly break the 4th wall here with this part:
If you don't know
Breaking the 4th wall means in some way you acknowledge that your work is simply that, just a work. Another example of a 4th wall break is if a television show in some way becomes self-aware.
Some people say that in Shakespeare's famous "life's but a walking shadow" speech from "Macbeth", Shakespeare was actually commenting on the fact that the play itself is just that, a play. Although his intentions are to portray the emotions realistically, in the end, it's still not real.
Back to analysis
Indeed, many able writers have tooled with the idea that, it may be possible that there are emotions so tremendously powerful, no words can capture them in a proper manner. In your poem, you imply that the sadness is not one that can be said with words, but one deep in the heart.
I loved this for many other reasons, but I pointed out the ones that stood foremost in my mind.
I wish I could offer some sort of real review, but I can't find anything to critique. All I can say is BEAUTIFUL work. It's really something special.
Hi there... Here is a short review for you! ^_^
I seriously found nothing wrong with this, but I accept a lot of work that is worked on well.
The description and detail in the first stanza is wonderfully written, and I love the rib cage, thorns, and lonely hunter part.
But, I think I like the second stanza best. Why? Well, just the feeling and slight emotion in it makes it seem perfect.
My favorite line in it is:
I like how you incorporated "killing time" in here, because people use it like, "I'm just watching TV to kill time" but then you added before time kills me in there, which I think is a fantastic twist.
I really love this poem, you did a great job!
WillowPaw1~
Thank you.
Hi TheWeather, this is Sherri; I really liked your poem! I loved the imagery in the first stanza, and also liked the line "My heart is a lonely hunter"; to me, that sounds so creative! In the second stanza, I enjoyed your ideas and how you wrote them. It makes you sit back and think!
I couldn't find anything wrong with the spelling or grammar, so awesome job on that.
Again, amazing poem! Can't wait to see what else you write
Thanks