My son -
Where are you?
I cannot see
You here anymore
Yes, I know that
It has come,
For I have spied
The glimmer in
My father's eyes,
As he cried for
Its sheer beauty,
As I cried for
My tortured soul,
Clasping his hand,
Hoping to never
Ever let go.
Yes, I see it too;
It is the same
Spark that took
Him away from me.
But no, I am not blind,
Eyes rendered useless
By what I see;
The truth, it only
Comes to me
Just now, but
One cannot forget
Their very child
At a time like this;
I should see you,
And you are not there.
I cannot find
You in the light,
Nor in the shadows
You are not there
To clench my hand
"Pray, curse me
With your tears."
I am not to be
Embraced by your
Loving arms or
Blessed by your
Bright mind,
Guiding me through
The flames about
Us.
No, you cannot abandon
Me upon this throne
Of sorrow and loss -
Has Death not taken
Enough from me?
Has he not stripped,
Rent asunder and
Burned my home?
My people are dead;
My flag in tatters;
My cause in ruins.
My meaning gone,
Scraped from history
By a poor man's
Chisel, withered,
Broken, battered,
Bloody as he is,
But yet still
Carves my heart out,
And tears me to
Thousands of pieces.
Can people be so
Cruel?
Can you?
They plead to me,
To stand, to try
Be not so easily
Beckoned by its call.
But without you,
I have no strength,
I possess no passion,
Nor compassion or
All that which makes
Man alive, and helps
Separate himself
From the rest of the
Senseless beasts -
I have no more need
Of my beating heart
Anymore, without yours
Beating in tune
With its inexorable pace,
As those of
The beloved ones do.
My son, the one that
I have never known,
The product of
My madness and strife,
Please, come for me,
Please, live for me,
Please, be with me;
I cannot die
In peace
If I cannot
See you
Ever again.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I hope this review isn't too out of place since this was posted back in October. But none the less I shall review it!
The first thing that sticks out to me is the format. The lines are short, creating a staccato and rushed feeling. It keeps up throughout and by the time I reach the end it almost tires me out. I'm sure there's a stylistic reason it's like that, but I'm not sure it works well. This is a swan song (which I didn't know was an actual thing in the first place >.>) that is being told by a king. Would he really rush through something like this? It just seems too chaotic. Try slowing it down, making the lines a bit longer.
Punctuation is always hard to tackle in poetry. There's so much at your disposal, but only so much that's acceptable to use, or not use. I'm a bit confused with your choice of punctuation throughout. With the pace of the poem already so high, the commas don't do much to contain it. If anything they make it more staccato.
Like here
It's like each comma creates another idea, another line, within the already existing line. There's so much going on and it just rolls along. (I hope that makes sense, because I'm having trouble expressing the ideas that are in my mind.
I blame lack of sleep)I think that's all I have for you. I'm really sorry this review wasn't more in depth/better. Poetry isn't my exact strong suit and I absolutely love the story this poem is telling. Why do you have to be such a good writer? Ugh. :3
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey, Silver! I am here as promised! I figured I would steal this piece before the crazy review day people start up. You probably haven't gotten many reviews from me because I don't review much poetry, but it's pretty straightforward, so I won't explain it like Hunter always does.
Beautiful assonance! A++General Comment:
1. What I'm about to point out may have been on purpose, but I think you should understand how it's affecting your writing, so here goes: if you're going to break your prepositional phrases, please don't do it right after the preposition.
Why not?
Poetry is meant to be read aloud, and there are actually guidelines on how to do it well, just like there are guidelines on reading different kinds of punctuation in prose. When you switch lines, the automatic reader response is to pause for one beat, and this is where the problem in your some of your breaks lies.
Prepositional phrases are one of the few phrases that don't break well. People only pause between the preposition and the words following it if they stutter or have to think, which results in a long pause, not a one-beat or a breath pause. By separating the preposition from its phrase with a shorter pause, you're disrupting the natural flow of thought in the brain of most English (or any Germanic/Romantic language) speakers.
By the way, that choppiness HostofHorus mentioned mostly stems from this prepositional phrase problem, not because your lines are too short.
2. I like the short lists you used throughout the poem.
Details:
1.
2. The repetition of "please" at the end is a nice touch.
Eum... I think that's about it. Sorry I couldn't find many nice things to say, but I didn't see too many lines that really stuck out. (Also, I talk way too much about the 'why's of things that I think could use improving, so it looks really disproportionate.)
Ciao for now, and have a splendid day!
-Buggie
Hello Foxy!
Not much to say. I enjoyed this narrative. It was a quick, pleasant, touching read. It has a sad but pleasing message and I there's not much in terms of language that I would suggest really looking into. The only real suggestion I have is for the formatting. I felt personally that the lines were a bit too short. I didn't quite understand why they were broken off so short so often. The line break can be a powerful tool and although readers are not meant to stop reading at the end of a line, it naturally adds a little pause as the reader has to shift their eyes to the next line before they can continue reading. This made parts of the poem seem a bit choppy to me. That can be okay if you are trying to emphasize a certain word, but I don't think that was the case here. I found this choppiness abated a little bit as the poem continued on, but nonetheless, my suggestion to you is that you take a read through it and really make sure that the line breaks are where you want them. Make sure that they are where they would serve the poem best.
I know, not much, but I hope even this little bit helps. Let me know if you have any questions!
-H.o.H.