Young Writers Society

I feel like this poem could be taken either as the persona criticizing the woman in the poem, or the persona being the woman in the poem criticizing herself. I favor the second interpretation since it reads more desperate than pitiful, like it's just as invested in the situation as the woman is.

The shape and presentation is palatable. The centering and the shape formed from the variation of sentence length makes it look disjointed, but not unpleasant on the first viewing--once it's read, it makes the poem look like it's trying desperately to patch itself up together, squishing into one even though the structures too different to be maintainable. It ends with the same "Why can't she realize..." giving the work an overall circular feel, as if once the poem is done the process will repeat again, ad infinitum.

However, the content might be wanting a little more exploration. If you mean to ignite something in the psyches of those who are familiar with the pain and anguish you're discussing, imagery or notable stepping marks would do. Right now, it overall feels a little bland. I can tell that the relationship is one-sided, but I don't feel that way. The persona is telling me that the two characters are too different to be together, but I don't know what the difference the persona is talking about is. And of course she stays, even though the audience knows it's bad for her, but why does she feel compelled to stay specifically? It doesn't have to be a justification of why she stays, it could be as simple as "his breath smells like honey and his knuckles feel like home," and it'd at least give the audience a deeper understanding of the relationship and the mentality of the two people involved.

I suppose I'm asking for a little more imagery and elaboration, but I'm not asking for much. I think the poem is good, just not striking. Unhappy relationships, or at least relationships that lack in something, are always a good space to explore. It'd be a shame to just leave the imagery as is.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Good work.

--Elliot.

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.

That having been said

Thanks for sharing this poem which expresses a quandary concerning why a woman cannot realize that a certain man is not right for her. What makes it even more perplexing for the speaker is that she is told by the man himself that things will not work out and yet she persists.

What becomes obvious while reading this is that the woman disagrees with the man's opinion. She feels that he is misunderstanding the situation. That she sees something that would change his mind if only he could also see it. That perhaps if he would provide her with an opportunity to get closer she could easily convince hi that he is wrong. That seems to be the hope which keeps her persisting. If she had no such hope then she would simply walk away.

On the other hand, there is the possibility that she is so obsessed with this man that although she knows it is hopeless to persist, she is determined to prevent any other woman to have him and will do everything in her power to prevent it. This would probably include defamation of character via gossip, constantly striving to short circuit any developing romance by interfering. Or making life a living hell so that he has to leave the locality and go where she will not be forced to see him hook up with another woman.

The poem doesn't delve into such motives but they can be inferred from its content. Also, a reader who has experienced such a situation personally can easily infer those motives.


Suggestions

The striking out of words was distracting. Erasing them would be better.

...."We're not gonna work out"[?]

.... [too] different....

Why can't she realize...[?]

All in all a very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.