Sometimes my heart hurts because of who we used to be, other times I couldn't care less. I still wake with your spit still on my tongue, tears streaming down my face. I crave your warmth, your touch, you.
What I would give to go back to you? The real question is what I wouldn't give. I'd give everything for one more night with you. I'd give everything to you if you asked me to.
That's what scared me the most. You have so much control over me and you don't even realize it. Maybe you do. Maybe you're using me because you know you can. I should get out.... leave. But I fear that I am far to deep in this mess. I'm far to deep in your love...your lies.
Was I that obvious to them? Or did I choose to ignore them. I suppose it no long matters.
Now he's holding me like you do...did. Like you did. Then it really hits me. You're gone, we're merely strangers now. We're worlds apart, at least it seems that way now.
How is it that you so easily found my replacement. Was I not enough? Didn't I give you everything? I gave you all of me. And you left and it was as if I never existed to you at all. And that's what hurts the most.
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140,706 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hey Temptress, Katja here to review your untitled poem. As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make if you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, onto the review~
Overall Thoughts
You wrote this piece with most likely just venting on mind, so it comes off as a flow of thoughts and emotions with no real structure. This is not a bad thing, it's a stylistic choice and though I prefer to read heavily structured pieces, I can equally appreciate works that come off more casual and like a flow of thoughts and emotion.
I can really feel that sense of longing for someone who has moved on, your words clearly evoke such a strong inner desire to have this person with them again--- and yet a contradicting sense of distrust for them. This is a very relate-able and all too common dilemma faced.... you love someone and long for them even after they've lied to you or moved on from you...
What bothered me was how the poem expresses hurt for this person moving on... though they hint that they have too.
I'm sure this is just a "filling the void" kind of thing, but if you haven't moved on from someone and aren't ready for an intimate connection-- be it a full blown relationship or fling--- it can really hurt you deeper. And because it is a flow of thoughts type of piece, it is hard to pin-point what ended their relationship.... the other person's lies as mentioned? Infidelity? Not that this HAS to be answered it just makes me worry when someone expresses longing for someone who they say has lied, is moved on, and they themselves are with someone else. No issue with the actual poem, just my thoughts on the content written~
Nevertheless the poem is well-written and expresses these emotions of sadness, pain, and longing very well. It evoked sadness in me as well as It reminded me of similar emotions for different reasons of course and I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate that your piece is able to do that.
Suggestions
My only suggestion is for these lines...
I would switch "I would" around to make~ "What would I give to go back to you?" and the same for the second line... "The real question is, what wouldn't I give."
Summary
Your piece is well-written and I actually think the casual, flow of thoughts type writing you used works. It is your heart being poured into writing, and the structure it comes out in doesn't necessarily need to be changed to fit a more poetic style--- strictly my own take and opinion on that. However, I would give the piece a name... Maybe "Longing" or "my Thoughts..." anything that is fitting to the piece and helps set it apart from just some untitled piece, ya know?
As they say, the heart wants what the heart wants, but the heart can be very deceiving!
I look forward to reading more of your work soon and I sincerely hope my review was helpful,
Keep Writing,
~Katja
Hello, I’m here to review! I actually really liked this. The emotion in this poem was really good. The last line was really impactful and the questions in this piece really helped understand what it’s like to be forgotten from someone. To yearn for them back but they’ve already moved on.
However, the only things that would’ve made this poem even better, is well, titling the poem. I feel like this poem has a lot of emotions and the title definitely is not attracting people to read this piece. Even if the insides amazing. Sometimes it’s a title that sets u apart from others.
The only other thing I can think of is maybe putting your lines in smaller stanzas? It would read easier this way. Of course, that’s just my opinion, do whatever u want.
Other than those tiny things, I really did like this poem and you seem like a talented writer.
Goodbye!
-Daria
I've read this more as a type of blog entry than I did as something truly poetic, due to lack of title, with a description of "something I wrote". Love can be a pain and the answers to most of your questions... You wouldn't want to know anyway. Just hold your head up high.