Young Writers Society

Wow, this poem was great! It was very relatable (because somehow on weekends I always end up staying up late) and I really enjoyed that. Your punctuation and grammar was great, but spelling was a bit off. You wrote:

"Deeper and deeper into the horried and dreadful hell"

Two things. I believe that you were trying to write horrid, so there is no "e". Also, you crossed out hell, which I don't think you had to do. Sure people may be sensitive to it, but it isn't a big deal. Also, why did you put life (in the second to last line) in italics? It didn't make sense to me, but there probably is a good reason for it. Anyways, keep on writing and Merry (early) Chistmas!

Hi!

So I see that this poem is about an insomniac whose thoughts wander beyond the norm and into hell.

"I cannot escape my 2 a.m. thoughts."

"...where the only life is my demons, that always encourage my wicked 2 a.m. thoughts."

Sleep earlier.

Radrook here to provide a review. Please feel free to reject any suggestion deemed not helpful. Also,. if I offend, I apologize. It is never my intention. That having been said:

It is never pleasant to read about a fellow human being who is undergoing severe emotional distress and who feels helplessly victimized by supernatural forces. So my reaction to such poetry is invariably to feel compassion and to worry about the writer. How skillfully he or she write the poem is of far lesser importance to me than the writer's welfare.

I want you to understand this before I provide feedback on technique. I also recommend that you seek professional help from both Christianity and from the medical profession. Very often demonic forces assail a person but are repelled whenever our Lord Jesus Christ is brought into our lives.

Also, sometimes such emotional distress has a physical cause and responds positively to medicine such as Zoloft. That's because certain emotional distress is induced by chemical imbalances of what is referred to as neurotransmitters in the brain. Once these are balanced, all the symptoms are either drastically reduced or disappear altogether.

Now to the poem itself: You certainly do convey the distress that you or the persona you are using is feeling.It caused me to become involved emotionally and engendered the concern that the author perhaps was seeking to elicit. The comparison of a mind to a desolated mental landscape inhabited only by demons was indeed disturbingly chilling. Although the actual thoughts which haunt this accursed domain aren't specifically described, the imagination of the reader can fill in all kinds of disturbing possibilities.

Suggestion:

Avoid the repetition of the same words

The words "dreadful" and "lonely" are used twice.

Striking out the word "hell" without using a substitute made me pause and interrupted the flow.

All in all a very skillfully written description. Looking forward to reading more of your work hopefully on a more positive note.