My 2 a.m. thoughts take me to a dark and deadly world, deep inside my mind.
It's cold and lonely. Dreadfully lonely, except for my demons that hold me down. I cannot escape my 2 a.m. thoughts.
Everyday, I'm pulled deeper and deeper into the horried and dreadfull hell that has now become a familiar home.
Take a look inside, take a walk around my vacent wasteland, where the only life is my demons, that always encourage my wicked 2 a.m. thoughts.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Wow, this poem was great! It was very relatable (because somehow on weekends I always end up staying up late) and I really enjoyed that. Your punctuation and grammar was great, but spelling was a bit off. You wrote:
"Deeper and deeper into the horried and dreadful hell"
Two things. I believe that you were trying to write horrid, so there is no "e". Also, you crossed out hell, which I don't think you had to do. Sure people may be sensitive to it, but it isn't a big deal. Also, why did you put life (in the second to last line) in italics? It didn't make sense to me, but there probably is a good reason for it. Anyways, keep on writing and Merry (early) Chistmas!
Hi!
So I see that this poem is about an insomniac whose thoughts wander beyond the norm and into hell.
Very specific timing there...Is there a reason for that?
And I don't think that crossing out "hell" in the third stanza is necessary, but there might be people who are sensitive to that form of profanity so I understand.
Would capitalizing "a.m." be helpful to you? And the flow of this sentence could be reworded so that it's more clear that the demons are causing these thoughts.
The way this poem was written was more like a story to me, so you could possibly turn it into a narrative. I'd look forward to that!
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comments you deem unhelpful or offensive.)
Thank you for the review. I did cross out hell in case people are sensitive about that. And yes I agree that the sentence could be reworded. I'll keep it in mind. Thanks again :3
You're welcome ^^
Sleep earlier.
Lmao %uD83D%uDE02 thanks for the advice!
Radrook here to provide a review. Please feel free to reject any suggestion deemed not helpful. Also,. if I offend, I apologize. It is never my intention. That having been said:
It is never pleasant to read about a fellow human being who is undergoing severe emotional distress and who feels helplessly victimized by supernatural forces. So my reaction to such poetry is invariably to feel compassion and to worry about the writer. How skillfully he or she write the poem is of far lesser importance to me than the writer's welfare.
I want you to understand this before I provide feedback on technique. I also recommend that you seek professional help from both Christianity and from the medical profession. Very often demonic forces assail a person but are repelled whenever our Lord Jesus Christ is brought into our lives.
Also, sometimes such emotional distress has a physical cause and responds positively to medicine such as Zoloft. That's because certain emotional distress is induced by chemical imbalances of what is referred to as neurotransmitters in the brain. Once these are balanced, all the symptoms are either drastically reduced or disappear altogether.
Now to the poem itself: You certainly do convey the distress that you or the persona you are using is feeling.It caused me to become involved emotionally and engendered the concern that the author perhaps was seeking to elicit. The comparison of a mind to a desolated mental landscape inhabited only by demons was indeed disturbingly chilling. Although the actual thoughts which haunt this accursed domain aren't specifically described, the imagination of the reader can fill in all kinds of disturbing possibilities.
Suggestion:
Avoid the repetition of the same words
The words "dreadful" and "lonely" are used twice.
Striking out the word "hell" without using a substitute made me pause and interrupted the flow.
All in all a very skillfully written description. Looking forward to reading more of your work hopefully on a more positive note.
Thank you so much for the review. :3