Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
You beautiful mistake of nature
You've tried so hard all this time
All this time
Where did you go wrong wrong wrong
Do you give up?
Perhaps it's time to put down the to-do lists
You can't even remember if you've had your meds today without them
Your nightmares are about not being able to find the right aisle in the grocery store
Stuck behind the metal contraption you push and you push as you backtrack and shake from the effort
The cart is empty but you strain forward
Do you wake up?
Perhaps this world isn't much different from the dream
Your belly is empty
But it pushes you forward
Contractions of a miscarriage life
That little metal knife on the counter-
Turn on the light- somebody please-
god- turn on the light- I can't open my eyes!
The sunrise is blurry so I put on my glasses.
I push myself out of bed and over to my desk.
My knees pop and squeak as I sit down.
It is morning, so I write everything I will forget-
1. Coffee
2. Makeup
3. Meds
4. Stop- breathe and count to
5. Eat three times today
6. Smile at two strangers
7. Try again
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
In the description you said that the punctuation and capitalization was intentional so I'm going to tackle that. I don't really know why you didn't use punctuation in the first stanza but you in other parts of the poem except for the end and the start of the middle. I question it because parts of the flow in the poem are stiff for me and I didn't really see any real purpose to be changing it back and forth. I can make do with the list at the end, because it's in that format, but why the beginning?
So basing this off of a to-do list was something that could turn out interesting, but just because your poem is based off a to-do list doesn't mean it should become one in itself. I had a hard time connecting to the poem itself, but I'm going to try and interpret it best I can. In the first stanza the only thing I can come up with for a "beautiful mistake of nature" is that the person being written to wasn't originally supposed to be born but I feel iffy saying that because that's a rather iffy thing to be saying in itself. What makes me think this further is later in the poem where you bring it back up and I kind of wonder how much it actually relates?
The imagery isn't really there, and for the most part it's not much, but what you have makes me think that if you added more the poem would be a lot stronger. The glasses and the sunrise, the cart, expand on those images. Create the atmosphere for us to experience this poem in. That's one of the things that I did want to mention, is the experience of this poem. That's the strongest part here and I suggest focusing more on that while editing this if you do that. It's more of an experience than anything else that the reader is being taken through.
I think it feeling like an experience is affected by "you" in the poem, and we don't really know who this is addressed to. This confused me because it could also be the general "you" and it's switching into second person, which is an interesting concept. I'd like to see more of it though and it would be good to give more clarification for it.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Well, the first part of the poem is a dream and I personally don't think dreams really have periods but they do have question marks and exclamation points. The reason I said my punctuation and capitalization were intentional is because I don't really plan on changing them.
The journey of this poem is going from a fitful dream that breaks into wakeing and starting the day.
During dreams your conciousness speaks to you but when you wake up you think in "I" statements. At least I do, I shouldn't assume if you do or not.
I will definitely add in more imagery because I want this to feel like a memory for the reader.
Thank you for reviewing!
Hey there! I thought I'd read this because I thought the idea of basing poetry off a 'to-do' list was pretty clever. I'm not disappointed! This piece is so unique and well-written. There were some areas I found myself reading twice, to get the right tone, but I don't think that's a bad thing. Take this for example: Where did you go wrong wrong wrong. I feel like the 'wrong' is meant to be read like an old record, repeating over and over to emphasise that 'wrongness'. The language you use is quite simple too, there's no massive words, but the feelings come across brilliantly. This line (Your nightmares are about not being able to find the right aisle in the grocery store) was especially relatable to me, because that's something my anxiety makes me freak out about. So it was even more emotional for that reason. I loved the sudden change in tone, when your character is desperate for the light to turn on. The today list was perfect, especially 'try again' at the end. It sees like a 'repeat' prompt, like I should start the poem over again. The only error is in the third line of the list, where 'to' should be 'too'. Otherwise, this is amazing!
The third line of the list? I can only find 'to' at the end of number 4, and at that point I meant it to come across as "count to five" because that's the next number on the list. I'm sorry if I misunderstood what you mean and thank you for reviewing!
Ugh, my bad! I meant line four. I didn't pick up on the count to five part, but re-reading it, that definitely makes sense.