Hey Swagmonkey! Black here for another Review, albeit a quick one.
Well, I'll give you this: You're improving. But! You still have plenty of room for improvement I'm afraid. Really though, there's a lot of things you could do here to help your writing be much better than it is. Your main strong points that I see so far are in Idea, Spelling, Originality, and theme. Your weak points, at least the ones I'm going to work with you on in this review, are more leaning toward Grammar, Plot, Pacing, and Detail.
So, I'm going to do what I can to help you in each of these four areas, but you must remember that at the end of the day it's going to be up to YOU to fix your writing and strive with all your might to improve! A few comments first: I think you could really use to enlarge this. More detail, more information! Readers always want action, they want to feel things. They can do so best if you put in lots of details on what's goin on. If I were you, writing this, then I'd probably have at least 4000 words covering this chapter . . . Just a thought.
Anyway, I'm going to start with Grammar and Spelling:
Now, your general problem is more along the lines of non-conformity. You're really erratic about your grammar: Messy. You use minimal punctuation and that has to stop! Look at these examples: (I'll do what I can to fix the problems, but you have to throw your weight too!)
he won't like it because the vet (gives him the "Heepy jeepies"), and nobody likes that.
There's no need for these parenthesis, you can cut them out. Also, the comma after the second parenthesis should be a period. If you follow my advice and do make it a period then you're going to need to turn the 'n' on 'nobody' into a capital 'N'.
So he went to the vet but the vet wanst there because she was getting her liposuction done so he said okay I'm going.
Okay, 'wasn't' is spelled 'wasn't', and not 'wanst'.
Simple typo. You also need a comma after the first 'vet'. Also, it really would help you if you used a more direct style in your writing. Readers can most easily feel for your characters if they can read their minds and hear what they say, while watching what they do! You would say 'so he said,” I'm going!”', and not 'so he said I'm going' . . . It really would help you!used his scatty cat skilld to fix the problem
I think that you mean 'Scatty Cat Skills', and not 'scatty cat skilld'.
Small typo's . . . they'd be easily fixed if you read this out loud to yourself before posting, and possibly got a grammar/spell checker.said oh no please but he was like k dont even talk when I whoop ur booty.
Abbreviations don't really work when you're writing something like this. You should say, 'your', not 'ur', and 'ok', not 'k'. Also, that 'dont' should be 'don't', with an apostrophe. Simple! Also, remember what I said about making the dialogue (Talking) more direct for the reader!
what happend to the hole. But he said how do you know about the hole, ur not evil but she was and bad.
Happened is spelled 'happened', and not 'happend'. Remember what I said about abbreviations and directly using dialogue! You really need to apply it here.
So then the vet was defested.
I think you mean 'defeated', right? It would be really cool if you put in a lot of details about the fight, and how everything happened . . . HOW the vet was defeated.
Then a karati ninja came out and said haha you Scatty cat begone
Again you really could use to remember what I said about using direct dialogue (Needed again), and I do believe that 'karati' isn't a word. Do you, perhaps, mean 'Karate'?
Now granted, I took down a lot of your grammar mistakes here, but your really need to take action yourself and take down what mistakes you have! Also, a quick add-on comment I'd like to make here . . . You really need to TRY to get better . . . Hard.
Okay, for the rest of the review! Look, you could really, really, really use to sit down and try to put in more detail. Explain how things led up to this point, and how they passed on. Explain in explicit detail everything that happened! You need to do it, badly, or you won't ever get better. Really. I mean, a chapter like this should at least let a reader know the answers to a few questions such as . . . these. What exactly is Scatty Cat? Where does this all take place? What are Scatty Cat's powers? . . .
So, I'm moving out here! Good luck! Don't be disappointed however! Your idea is a really great one, you just need to develop your skills. Keep writing – I promise that you will improve with enough practice!
~Black~
Points: 11152
Reviews: 303
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