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Trashy Hotel Room

by SuperOriginalName


Trashy Hotel Room 

---

I'm in a trashy hotel room,

 and it's as crummy as it can get.

The lamp is shining dimly,

and there are bugs in the bed.

-

I'm in a trashy hotel room,

and there are stains on the walls,

yet I am still grateful,

because many have nothing at all.

-

Some have nothing,

some have none.

Some have something,

some have some.

-

I have plenty, 

but we sweep that away like brooms,

so we never see the beauty,

of trashy hotel rooms.

-

I'm in a trashy hotel room,

and that's good enough for me,

but we are never able to take in the little things,

the ones that we always see.

---


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25 Reviews


Points: 2050
Reviews: 25

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Thu Dec 26, 2019 1:24 am
RanaNoodles wrote a review...



Hello!
This poem is really great! I love you start it really casual, but then it evolves into this powerful poem about less fortunate people.
You don’t capitalize the beginning of every line, which works. It makes the whole thing flow a lot better, even though it doesn’t affect how it would sound if someone were to read it out loud.
I also like how you put three dashes at the beginning and end, and one dash in between every stanza. It makes the end seem that much more final and the beginning more definite.
The only thing I would change is the last paragraph. It was probably just me, but it was a little confusing. I don’t get how we can’t take in the things that we’ll always see. I get there’s a difference between seeing and taking in, but it was kind of confusing to me.
Overall, keep doing what you’re doing!
-Rana Noodles






Thank you, @rana_noodles, for this wonderful review.

I could explain the ending to you, but that should not be happening. In the future, I will attempt to make the stanzas more clear to the reader.
Again, thank you, & happy holidays!

~@SuperOriginalName



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95 Reviews


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Reviews: 95

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Wed Dec 25, 2019 11:21 pm
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LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



I loved this poem! It helped me realize how lucky I am to have things, even if I do not think of it. It is very easy to read and the formatting is wonderful. There is one thing that jumped out to me, but it may not be a mistake. In the lines:

"...I have plenty, yet we sweep that away like brooms..."

You say "you" have plenty, but "we" sweep that away. I would suggest that you use only one pronoun and say, "we have plenty, yet we sweep that away." I think it makes more sense that way. Otherwise, this piece was excellent. The grammar, spelling, and punctuation was all correct. Keep on writing and Merry Christmas!






Thank you for the suggestion and the review overall!
That does make a whole lot more sense. Would you like me to change it for you and everyone else%u2019s flow in reading? Let me know.
Keep writing as well, and happy holidays!
~SuperOriginalName





*everyone else%u2019s flow in reading
I%u2019m sorry I didn%u2019t catch that...





Huh. That%u2019s weird. Wherever I want to put an apostrophe, it instead puts %u201C%u2018%u201D. I hope you can still read it, if you substitute %u201C%u2018%u201D with an apostrophe.

Again, I am sorry, and happy holidays!



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11 Reviews


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Tue Dec 24, 2019 8:57 pm
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ReeN_beNa wrote a review...



Great Piece.
This poem made me realize how I fail to appreciate and overlook somethings I regard as little in this world which is so not right, because these 'little' things are the things that make living more beautiful.
"Some have nothing,

some have none.

Some have something,

some have some."
I really like the pun vibe this line gives me, and how such few words spoke loudly to me drawing my attention back to appreciating certain things in life.

"I have plenty,

but we sweep that away like brooms,

so we never see the beauty,

of trashy hotel rooms."

Another favorite stanza which to me places more emphasis on people being prone to overlook and not appreciate these little things they feel are unnecessary. I like the simile you used to represent such a case,
"...but we sweep that away like brooms..."
the broom simile emphasizing how they are belittled, is so on point!

Such a great wise poem. I love it.
Good job buddy, it is amazing.






Thank you so much!
Are you sure there%u2019s nothing I could do to improve this piece, though? Yes, I do like this poem, but it%u2019s hard to believe that you do not wish that I changed something to make it more enjoyable. It%u2019s more than fine if not, though.
I will be sure to check out some of your literature as well! Keep writing!
Happy holidays! %u2744%uFE0F

~@SuperOriginalName



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29 Reviews


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Reviews: 29

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Tue Dec 24, 2019 2:22 pm
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Terian805 wrote a review...



Hiya, this was pretty enjoyable, you're obviously pretty skilled at using rhyme and rhythm. The changes in the two between stanzas seemed to make sense; the whole poem felt very fluid. For example, on stanzas 1, 2, and 3, you consistently used half rhymes on the second and fourth lines, before using full rhymes in the case of the last two stanzas. I liked that, it gave weight to the message of your poem, showing how your hotel room has given you a clear view of the world. This is a fun poem, it feels quite whimsical. I like poems which fixate on parts of everyday life, and find the significance within them.

I think that some of the language choices could be a bit more effective. You should think about which words would best emphasise the imagery you're trying to get across. For example, the lamp could be shining 'greasily' or 'murkily' or 'dingy' or 'gloomy', as I've often felt that some hotel rooms I've stayed in are like that! Perhaps the simile 'We sweep that away like brooms' could become a metaphor 'We sweep them away like brooms' evoking a kind of dirty, messy, room and fitting with your theme. Despite all this, there isn't much bad to say about this poem! Keep writing






Thank you so much for the review! I do realize that I need to look into expressing more emotions with words.
Also, I like your idea of your new simile, of making it fit more into this theme.
Again, thank you, and happy holidays!



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16 Reviews


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Mon Dec 23, 2019 1:52 am
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Please review! Like I said, I have recently just gotten back from taking a short break from writing (about a few months), so I am a bit rusty.
Also, I am trying out a new rhythm! Tell me how you like it?

Enjoy, and merry Christmas!

~@SuperOriginalName





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