august 2005

*** I am really sorry that this review is so late! I sort of stopped reviewing after April, but I'm trying to jump back! And I'm here to review your lovely poem.

Wow, I enjoyed reading this poem a lot. Your imagery is so vivid and in the moment.

Let's get to the review!

Right off the bat, I'm going to suggest that you bump the rating of this piece to 12+ with maybe a "V" for "violence" warning as well, the implied suicide in stanza 2 might catch some readers off guard.

Meaning
This poem is so in the moment, the first stanza especially reads as a stream of consciousness. Which I've found is one of the most difficult ways to lace narrative meaning into, it can certainly be done, but not as easily as other methods.

The point of view is interesting too, because as you slowly describe that pistol - the reader goes between this friend and the person who took their life, and can almost read it through the lens of both characters. I'm not quite sure what to make of the lines, "i wish you realized that the world is only miserable until you make it wonderful" -- because it seems to imply you control your own fate, and that you make your own joy or misery. That's a somewhat controversial opinion, because a lot of time of course there are other factors than simply "willing the wonderful".

That last stanza packs a punch though - I can feel the pain of the friend who's remembering this friend who took their life, and just wishing they could have dispelled the pain somehow and seen the joy in life. There's so much longing in that stanza, it pulls at the heartstrings.

Imagery
You've done great work with specificity in this piece, your imagery is right on. And the continuity of the images is lovely too - in other words, it's not just a string of "cute images" they build off one-another and create a story.

I also like the symbolism you weave into the images - like the candy cigarette - taking death and risk lightly, like a child.

I like that recurring imagery of nature and the life of a child - to contrast those with suicide creates an uncomfortable dissonance for me as a reader. And I think makes the images stick in my mind.

Flow
The piece has an incessant, almost awkward flow - but it works with the tone of the piece. I felt like I needed to rush through it, and then those last few lines where the lines get short - the pace slows down, and it's like a camera zooming into the imagery. Nice handle there!


Other Suggestions

this line didn't hit as much as I wanted it to - it's the one concrete plot detail in those first few lines, and it seems almost too direct? Or maybe the flow's a bit off?
"stay young forever but you were getting older"
This line, same problem - it's too ordinary in comparison to the rest of the poem I think:
"and never stopping, never once slowing" .

This is nitpicky but I'm not sure mountains "mutating" works? It was nice to have the alliteration, but the word doesn't seem to fit the context.

Other than those picky line/wording comments, my other suggestion, is I wish as a reader I knew a bit more about the relationship between these two people - who are they to each other, why does this death matter to them? I don't need their whole history, but some note or allusion would be helpful for connecting to the piece.

Apologies again that this review is months late! I took a reviewing break after NaPo but am trying to get back into it.

Best wishes to your future writing. You have talent. And I mean that.

~alliyah

Hey, Onii-Chan here!
This is a very deep poem. I think you used poetry very well to describe a story of a man who goes from his kids to drugs to eventually committing suicide. What I also like is that the last stanzas give a feel of “why did this happen?” If that makes sense. It asks the question on why we can’t give things up and be great, perfect people. You did an amazing job on this!

Keep on writing!

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said

This poem was very enjoyable to read because of the imagery that it uses. Also I empathized with the physical and psychological sufferings of the person being described. I like the way tat the young girl sees all this through the eyes of optimistic youth and gives advice based on that optimism. Her bitter disappointment with this man comes through loud and clear. Was he a father, uncle? Grandfather? That isn't revealed.


Here is my understanding of the poem:

The poem uses the pronoun "you" to address a person who is dead because of suicide.
The pronoun "Ï" I understand to be the once ten-year old observing the man undergoing the aging process, gradually being overburdened with problems that were once deemed hills but which now seem like lofty mountains. She describes his psychological weakened by having to deal with the death of loved ones and how he finally succumbs to the temptation of committing suicide to alleviate what he considers unbearable suffering.

She condemns his action by telling him that even in the most darkest of moment'one can always find something positive to keep one going. She seems baffled by the thoughts that might have gone through his mind just prior to shooting himself in the head.

I empathized with the child's confusion, if indeed it is the child who is so peaking. If it is a grownup recollecting the experience as a child, then I have difficulty understanding the perplexity of the adult speaker.

Surely there is what us called unbearable suffering? Right? Is all suffering bearable? The premise is one that I find very hard to accept.

Nevertheless, the poem is very skillfully written and did draw me into the thoughts and emotions that the described.

Suggestion

A person who is having trouble breathing would be extremely unlikely to take up smoking.
Perhaps another activity would be better.