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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Radrook here to give a review. Please feel free to ignore any advice deemed not helpful. If I offend, apologies. It was not intended. That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem which expresses the dismal condition of our human society The speaker feels that if his example were followed the world would be a better place. The exemplary example is referred to as his song. Now, if indeed all other mouths were to sing like the speaker then one would assume that they would be as critical as the speaker is of human society and the world would be a better place because of it. Yet there is a slight logical problem with that argument because the speaker's song includes not caring any longer and letting the world stay as it is. That means leaving all the things described unchanged.
I guess it comes down to the categorical imperative which the philosopher Emmanuel Kant proposed when examining any suggested behavior as viable. If everyone did it-then what would the result be?
Questions:
How is the air pure and sacred? If the valley is full of smoke? How can the air be pure?
What does being carried to the sun mean?
Hey SunsetTree~
This poem caught my interest in its simplicity yet deep meaning. I got a good glimpse of your poetic style so I decided to give this review a go and provide feedback! Let's see if this review will be any good.
This poem, in a way, to me, is simply written but deeply meaningful. I enjoyed the message very much and I think I liked because this conveyed a common/relatable message. For the most part, the meaning of the poem was pretty clear -- which I enjoyed. Many times meanings in poems are coated with an excessive amount of metaphors, etc. Although I do love simplicity, imagery is also wonderful. You had quite a good amount of it and the imagery that you did have was so well written. That being said, it became clear to me the more and more I read this that imagery appeared mainly in the first two stanzas, and got weaker the farther. I'd try to even the imagery out, or even slowly hype it up towards the end. But otherwise, the imagery was spectacular!
I think that this line is so beautiful. But perhaps a little clarification? I don't see how it correlates to the rest of the theme -- too much of bad things. Perhaps you could talk a little more about people not being the same (that is how I perceived the line, I may be wrong) and why the speaker does not like that. If anything, I just want a little clarification and reason to this line; I'd like to see what more you meant by this. I loved this line though. <3
What is 'carry me the sun' supposed to mean? Does it mean the speaker is the sun, or they want to be carried to the sun, etc? I feel like this line needs a little punctuation not just for this confusion, but because it will read better as well.
The last stanza was a great ending, but I'm not too sure about how well it transitions from the third stanza. In fact, the two last stanzas are just tying together on a strand -- and that is the word 'so'. Whether you keep that word in or not, try forming those two stanzas/concepts together to form into one idea: that way the transitioning is evident here.
I think one of your main issues is finding a way to transition between stanzas and add imagery in overall appropriate places. I've seen your poetry before and it is wonderful, so I hope this review did this justice. If you have any questions please let me know!
Legacy here for a review.
I love this poem. I like how it is in all lowercase because I feel like if it had correct capitalization then it would show that the writer still cares, even though in the last line it states that that do not.
I do have to say the second to last stanza feels like it is unneeded in my opinion. It seems like it just clunks up the rest of this beautiful poem.
Your imagery was very beautiful. I love it. That's all I really have to say about it though. Keep writing, Legacy out.