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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Hey SunsetTree,
This is a really nice, short, white-space poem―my favorite! Still, I have a short, little review for you. Hopefully it helps!
There's only one wording issue I found and that's in the third stanza. I would make the commas before and after "wounds sliced in your chest" dashes since that's like a seperate phrase being added on. It reads better that way.
I felt like the ending was weak and after reading I felt like I was missing something. I'm still waiting for the punch in the gut or bitter taste left on my tongue that happens when I usually read poetry. I also didn't really get the point behind this poem. While it was pretty and relatable, I feel like it's lacking something.
I think the biggest issue is with the last line "you keep walking away from me". I think the word 'walking' just didn't fit with all these stitches, razors, and wounds. If you changed the ending I really think this poem would be really, really nice. Also, one last, tiny issue is that I think you're lacking a period at the very end. Grammar is subjective when it comes to poetry but consistency is key and you used periods when ending some of the stanzas but not all of them.
marms
Hi SunsetTree! Queenie here for a review. First of all, I really liked your poem and I think that it is one that carries with it a message that is very relatable to many readers. However, I do have some questions. For example, why do you start your phrases in different places, for instance, you wrote the phrase "why are you running with your lips" right next to the edge of the page while the phrase "shut tight?" about three inches away from the edge of the page. Maybe you did this for some stylistic reasons; however, to be completely honest, I feel like it adds a little bit of confusion which may or may not be what you need to make this poem the best you can. Additionally, I see that you did include some punctuation; however, in my opinion, you don't have enough of it and that some of it is incorrectly placed. My suggestion is that you add more commas so that your readers know how to break up the phrases. That being said, I really do love this poem because I really do feel like it has a very strong and important voice to it. Please keep on writing because I'd love to read some of your future pieces.