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chapter three of melody and the earth binding ring(b1)

by Sunflowerdemon3712


So sorry this took me so long to put out I was going back and editing and there are some things where I was like "why would you ever write this? no!" but I think it's better now. So reveiws welcome and I would just like to say most of the characters are based off of real people so just thought I'd throw that out there. Now I really hope you enjoy and have a great day/night! bye! :)

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The second door we come across has Briana's name engraved on it. We walk in, and we are not disappointed with it. Her room has royal blue walls, a bunch of art supplies and history maps plaster all over the walls. There's a bathroom next to what I assumed is a closet. We admire the room for a moment then Briana breaks the silence “This is impossible this looks almost exactly like my room at home.” She says with a smile on her face. She runs to the art desk where she sits down and starts to look through the many drawers. “I’m going to stay here, so you can go check out your room.” She says.

When Briana decides to stay in her room I tell her goodbye, and that I would see her at dinner. I then left. I walked down the hall and passed four more doors. Mine is the last of them all. The door was light pink and had my name carved on it. I wondered what would happen if someone else ever got this room. What would happen to all the rooms specially made for the people before them after they left. I pushed that thought away and opened my door and light pores into the hallway. I smile as I walk in and I grin. It's amazing. I had never had a big room, so this was pretty awesome. It had a window sill seat, bookshelves and a bed with pink and yellow sheets, pillows and blankets. It has an art desk like Briana’s room and one thing that I found incredible is that it has a bathroom. I had never had my own bathroom! My wall instead of being white like they were before I came in, they were now purple and yellow. Then I got excited when I read the plaque on the wall that said mood colors walls and the colors represented my emotions. Then I decided to explore my new room a little bit.

I walk over to the closet. I find that it's a walk in closet and has some nice clothes, the kind that I like bright shirts, black shorts and patterned leggings . I walk out and then I go into the bathroom. It has all the shampoos and soaps I like and all other bathroom things I like such as lotion or chapstick. I walk out of the bathroom and see my walls are light blue and are mixing with orange. I also see a figure appear in my room. It's Tom. He’s leaning against the door frame, and I then put my hands on my hips. “What do you want Tom?” I say my wall is changing to green to match my irritation.

“Really weird, well more random question.” He says. I stare at him

“I’ve been attacked by monsters today so try me.” I say.

“Can you cook?” He asks calmly.

“What? Well yes, of course I can cook. I'm italian so my mom obviously taught me how, but why?” I say, hands falling to my sides.

“Everyone says they either can’t cook or don’t want to so you up. They have a cafeteria, but you know it's cafeteria food. So, you know, does it really count as food?” He says not cracking a smile.

“Well if I can find stuff in the pantry, yes, I’ll make food.” I say smirking. A faint smile comes to his lips

“Well lets hope there is stuff cause im hungry and so is everyone else.”

“How long is this ride anyway? No one told me anything about it.” I ask glancing around at my walls.

“Most of the time it’s only two weeks, since we have to go through the whole east coast pick up people which takes a couple days because we stop at different places in the states and then come all the way back to Virginia.” He says.

“I have to cook for two weeks! And that's a long time to live on a bus!” I exclaim and then pause “wait but it only takes a few hours to get from Virginia to Florida with stops.”

“Yeah well we stop at like a bunch of towns and junk in each state for a couple hours each, then we go up to maryland to start there, then go all the way to main then back here because the camps in Virginia start loading everywhere but the east coast bus here, I guess.” he shrugs. I was about to question when I decided otherwise or that just might cause more confusion. “Well everyone is waiting in the living room they'll be worried you said no and they'll have to eat cafeteria food.” he says jokingly.

We walk back to the living room and everyone is sitting looking worried. “So can she cook!'' Jacob yells.

“Don't worry my friend's chef Melody will make dinner and breakfast but at lunch you have to fend for yourself.'' I say faking a french accent I laugh.

“Jacob wanna me in the kitchen. I will show you my ways of cooking.” I ask not really wanting to do it alone. He shrugs and follows me to the kitchen

“So what are we making?” He asks as I'm in the pantry looking for ingredients.

“Pizza I guess, everyone likes that I think. Now find the flour, salt, sugar, cooking oil, milk, tomatoes, and cheese.” I say grabbing a pot.

About an hour later we’re all at the table and I’m passing out pizza.

“Wow this is a great pizza Melody '' Louise says reaching out for another piece.

“Thank you, it's my moms recipe.” I say. “So I have a question. how old are y'all anyway?” I asked, hoping they were close to my age.

“I'm thirteen pretty close to fourteen.'' Tom says.

Everyone else mumbles thirteen except Jacob who wasn’t thirteen quite yet.

We then talk about what our lives are like before we come to camp, and joke around and laugh. I thought about how easy it is to make friends and they’re pretty nice. Soon we were all full and were about to head to bed when we heard, “Oh my god Clair how do I get the smoke smell out!” We peek out the door and find that someone had put a colored smoke bomb in the people next to us’s rooms. We all look around at each other and shrug. We hung out for a little longer talking before I got a little late and I head to bed.

I get to my room and immediately I go to the closest I find a pajama set and pull it on. I walk out the closet and walk over to my bed. But before I can even lay down. I hear a silvery voice say “Well you a special one aren't you my pets told me they had found someone powerful but I didn't think I'd get something this great here let me show you.”

I scream because I feel something pulling me. As if I was being grabbed by hundreds of hands. I scream then I feel sweat running down my back and the pulling stops. “Um Melody are you ok?” Lily says. All my friends on the other side of the door knocked.

“We heard you scream so we came to help.” Isabela adds.

“Can we come in?” Lily asks.

“Sure.” I say taking a shaky breath. Then my knees buckle and I catch myself on my bed trying not fall to the floor. When they come in I'm looking around my room for whatever had tried to grab me.

“What happened?” Lily asks looking my up and down.

“Um... I don’t know, I heard a voice and there were hands but it’s ok, I'm fine I think I’m just tired” I say breathing heavily and touching my should to make sure there weren’t any hands there.

“Are you sure you're ok?” Isabela asks furrowing her brow.

“I’m fine, I think I just need sleep.” I say.

They all walk out hesitantly, but then Lily turns around and says “Hey if you feel like someone was telling you something be careful because weird things can happen when your one of us.” and with that she walks out the door.

I never got to sleep partially because of the voice and because of what Lily said, what did she mean? I had no clue so at seven A.M I got up to get ready it was better than just laying there. “Well maybe I can get some tea to help me think. I'm sure that no one else is up ``I whisper to myself trying to add noise to the otherwise silent room. I get up and walk to my closet and open the door. I turn on the light and see my suitcase lying on the floor. “Why is that there?”

I plop down and open it. Inside it had some clothes. I don't need those on the bus trip I thought. Then there were things like a couple of my stuffed animals shoes and things like that. Then at the bottom there's a note but it just has weird symbols on it. “It’s probably a receipt from that machine?” I say, trying to reassure myself. I put the note down and walked to the rack with shirts. I got a pink sundress and some black shorts that were a lot more comfortable than the long black pants I was wearing the day before. When I'm done with my morning routine I leave my room and walk down to the living room. Someone’s there, it's Isabela.

“Hey, what are you doing up this early?” I ask.

“Well I couldn't sleep after that incident last night. It scared me and I was afraid to fall asleep so I just stayed up and scrolled through Tik Tok next thing I knew it was morning.” she says with a smirk.

“I couldn’t sleep either, I mean that was just weird.” I say. She nods her head. “Hey you wanna start breakfast? I'm hungry and it’ll get my mind of all this.” She looks up at me and gives a hint of a smile.

“I’ll help if you want.” she offers.

“Yeah I could use the help and maybe the smell of breakfast will wake me up.” I suggest. “I’ll make pancakes.” We then head to the kitchen. The pantry and fridge had everything we needed, I was pretty sure the kitchen was magic. Everything else on this bus was magic so would a magic fridge and pantry be too weird. Soon we had a bunch of pancakes cooking some of them blue and others being red pink. The first person to wake was Jacob. Who walks in yawning

“Hey guys, what are you making? Oh cool pancakes.” He says reaching for one.

“Hey not until breakfast and everyone is up.” I say smacking his hand away from the food.

“Ugh fine anything I can do?” he asks with an eye roll.

“You can tell people me and Isabela are making breakfast,” I suggest, he shrugs

“Ok sure I’ve got nothing better to do.” And with that he disappears down the hall.

A few minutes later we have everyone at the table and I bring out bacon and pancakes to a table full of groggy friends well except for Lily who’s always been a morning person. “Can I have coffee?” Lily asks.

“Um sure but I will not make anything with caffeine.” I say, running back into the kitchen. I end up bringing everyone a decaf coffee. Well, everyone except Isabela. She got tea.

“Hey this is one good yellow pancake. Does it have a banana?” Jacob asks as I sit down.

“Yes It does have bananas,” I say sipping my coffee.

“How did you get the coffee to taste exactly like Starbucks?” Louise asks.

“I don’t know, I just pressed a button and it made coffee. Mine is a moca.” I inform her. She nods and continues to eat her bacon.

After we are done with breakfast Briana brings up a good question. “What are we going to do all day? I mean we can't just sit in our rooms all day, well I mean we could but you know I don't think we want to do that.”

“Well I know on floor one that there is an arcade but that's just for that floor.” Tom says trailing off.

“Ok then you guys don't know a thing about the higher floor rooms do you?” Lily says. We all shake our heads.

“Well I might like to sit and read magazines or just chill and watch TV. But I don't think you guys like that stuff so there probably are other rooms for you guys,” she picks up a fresh magazine “go down the hall, the opposite of the rooms and you will find stuff to do. Now go, I'd like to read in peace.” She says waving us off.

“Alright then do y’all want to explore?” I ask.

“One last thing, if there's a room with a sewing machine, that's my room so don’t touch it.” Lily says.

“We won’t touch that room.” I say. Then we all walk down the hall to find these rooms.


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Wed Apr 28, 2021 1:47 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review! Your work has been in the green room a while, so I decided to bump it out!!

I enjoyed reading this section of your work! I think it's been very engaging so far, and I'm really loving everything you put on the page. I think your characters are distinct and it has the makings of a really great middle grade novel!

One thing I really enjoyed about this was the narrative and overall way of storytelling. You've created this really engaging voice for Melody that works really well with the audience and subject matter. It really reminds me of great middle-grade authors like Wendy Mass and Jessica Townsend. The way it works with this whimsical summer camp world you've centered your story around is really profound and it works super well. It makes your story super fun to read, and I'm excited to see where it goes!

Specifics

The second door we come across has Briana's name engraved on it. We walk in, and we are not disappointed with it. Her room had royal blue walls, a bunch of art supplies and history maps plaster all over the walls. There was a bathroom next to what I assumed was a closet. We admire the room for a moment then Briana breaks the silence “This is impossible this looks almost exactly like my room at home.” She says with a smile on her face. She runs to the art desk where she sits down and starts to look through the drawers. “I’m going to stay here, so you can go check out your room.” She says.


Already, in this first paragraph, we've got some grammar inconsistencies. I noticed your tense switches between present and past. A majority of the story is told in present tense, so I'd change all of the "was" to "is" and "had" to "has" and "said" to "says." Also, when formatting dialogue, make sure to de-capitalize the dialogue tag and put a comma rather than a period when the dialogue ends.

“Most of the time it’s only two weeks, since we have to go through the whole east coast and then come all the way back to vigina.” He says.

“I have to cook for two weeks! And that's a long time to live on a bus!” I exclaim and then pause “wait but it only takes a few hours to get from Virginia to Florida with stops.”


So, two things: you misspelled "Virginia" in the first paragraph, and also, there are some factual inconsistencies. A drive from Virginia to Florida (mind you, this is from the southernmost part of VA to the northernmost part of FL) takes around eight hours, and that is the minimum. As someone who has made that drive, it doesn't take a few hours.

“Well I might like to sit and read magazines or just chill and watch TV. But I don't think you guys like that stuff so there probably are other rooms for you guys,” she picks up a fresh magazine.


Since "she picks up a fresh magazine" isn't a dialogue tag, you need a period after the dialogue and you need to make the "she picks up a fresh magazine" a new sentence.

Overall: nice work! Though there were some grammar errors and overall formatting issues, I really think this piece has a lot of promise! I look forward to reading more of it in the future. Until next time!




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Fri Apr 16, 2021 8:32 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Sunflowerdemon3712,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

First of all, I think it's really great that you always pick up the chapters where they left off before, so there's no lapse in wondering if something happened in between. I also find it an interesting revelation that the characters are based on real people. I hope I'm not criticising anyone in any way when I write about a character. :D

What I also really like about the chapters is how you keep the structure and build up the same. Melody has this interesting way of rendering things, or rather, you have a very interesting way of describing things. It's good that this has remained constant, even if I get a little confused now and then. D You keep describing what's happening from her perspective, telling what she sees when she goes somewhere and can't always tell what her friends are thinking, but can only guess.

A trend that I've also noticed over the chapters, but has improved a little bit here, is the paragraphs, which are sometimes a little bit bigger for me, where I think it's better if they're divided a little bit more, even if it's the same scene or something, it would be good if they're divided again by that, like for example in a regular text with the scheme of beginning - main part - end. You could also do this in a scene, so that one big paragraph becomes three (or even two) smaller paragraphs.

Here, for example, I would divide it like this:

When Briana decides to stay in her room I tell her goodbye, and that I would see her at dinner. I then left. I walked down the hall and passed four more doors. Mine is the last of them all. The door was light pink and had my name carved on it. I wondered what would happen if someone else ever got this room. What would happen to all the rooms specially made for the people before them after they left.

I pushed that thought away and opened my door and light pores into the hallway. I smile as I walk in and I grin. It's amazing. I had never had a big room, so this was pretty awesome. It had a window sill seat, bookshelves and a bed with pink and yellow sheets, pillows and blankets. It has an art desk like Briana's room and one thing that I found incredible is that it has a bathroom.

I had never had my own bathroom! My wall instead of being white like they were before I came in, they were now purple and yellow. Then I got excited when I read the plaque on the wall that said mood colours and the colours represented my emotions. Then I decided to explore my new room a little bit.


Again, I really like your descriptions and I like the way it's described from Melody's perspective. :D

Also, sometimes you put a dialogue part in the paragraph. I don't know if that's a literary method, but I think you should put it in its own line, because I think it looks a bit strange if after a long paragraph someone suddenly starts talking at the end.

They have a cafeteria, but you know it's cafeteria food. So, you know, does it really count as food?


Haha, yes I think it also belongs to food, but think it falls into the same category as tofu, that it tastes like nothing. :D

Meanwhile, reading some of the passages, you can see very well that Melody sometimes still seems a bit reserved and shy and in other moments, very open, but only when she herself is sure that she has achieved / accomplished something. Only with the pizza itself, I had the impression that she didn't want to accept Louise's compliment and gave it away with the comment that it was her mother's recipe. I also got the impression at times that the text felt a bit like Melody's diary, which I liked.

"Hey this is one good yellow pancake. Does it have a banana?" Jacob asks as I sit down.


I'm no expert on the differences between US English and British English, but I think even in the UK, it would sound better if Jacob asked, "Does it contain bananas?" or "Does it have bananas in it?" The way he puts it, it comes across as if the pancake has a banana with it. :D

Throughout the text there are also a few times of minor spelling mistakes or grammar errors, like missing commas or full stops, or typos like capitalisation, but I think this becomes less as you write more.

I think most of what I like about the story is that the plot is just very relaxing, and in some ways mirrors a normal summer camp, with the same acquaintances and new friendships made, the group formation and the same daily routine. I also want to note here that I really like the title, and I don't think you have to associate the "Melody" in there with just the protagonist's name.

Have fun with the writing!

Mailice.




Sunflowerdemon3712 says...


Thank you so much for this kind review and yes I am not very good at spelling or paragraph structuring but I'm trying to get better at it so your your critiques were much appreciated I hope you have a great day/night!




Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
— Sylvia Plath