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chapter two of melody and the earth binding ring (book one)

by Sunflowerdemon3712


I quickly text my mom and dash after Lily. I caught up to her quickly because I had been in a running club since 3rd grade, so running was pretty easy especially since I have long legs. “Where are we going?” I ask trying not to sound as scared as I was.

“Somewhere that will keep you safe, because your mom knew this day would come just maybe not so soon,” She says with heavy breaths “now don’t Look Back!” She screams just as I was looking back. I see more of that same man, each with a different color of fire in each of their eyes.

“What the heck are those things?” I yell, lily mumbles some curse words and takes a deep breath.

“There watchers. They're some of the most despicable monsters there are. I don't know why they of all came after you! We can talk more when we're safe,” She says, turning a sharp corner. So many thoughts and questions were rumbling around my head mainly what in the holy name of heck was going on! Soon she comes to a stop at a roadside bus stop. You know that one no one uses but are there anyway.

“Lily, what are we doing here?” I say not wanting to know what would happen if those things caught up to us.

“Melody this is the safest place to be and if i'm being honest I don't think you will be going home any time soon,” She says then taking another deep breath “now go in!” She orders while pushing me.

“What why?” I asked hesitantly.

“Because this will take you to the safe place now go in!” She yells. I see the men getting close so I try but it’s as if it wont let me in like there was a force field. “Dang item scanner. It scans the possession that separates you from other chosen. Mine are in my glasses, but where would yours be?” She ponders. “Oh I think I know maybe your earbuds or something I don’t know you use them all the time.” She says. “Hold it up and say permission to enter then step in and quickly! They're getting closer!” she yells and horrified look twisted on her face.

I hold up my earbuds and yell, “Permission to enter!” Then it still won't let me in.

“Try something else! Something that you love, or that helps you with everyday life!” Lily says in a panic.

Then, I have a thought. I quickly pull off my charm necklace, the one I've had it for over three years and I loved it a lot so what's the harm in trying, and yell, “Permission to enter.” I step in. I am surrounded by light and then feel myself falling. I close my eyes and brace myself. I hit the floor with a thud. There's a pain in my head but it's not to bad. “What the-”

I sit up and rub my head. I hear a thud behind me. I turned around, it’s Lily! I thought. She didn’t land very gracefully, or at least not on her feet. “Sorry forgot to tell you there was a fall coming.” She tells me. I scoop up my necklace from where it was laying and put it back on. Lily helps me to my feet and then my vision stops spinning and I take in my surroundings. The place looked like an airport. With its seating and round about luggage and then something ruined the image. It was a bright yellow school bus. I let out a laugh

“What's with the school bus?” I say with a confused laugh.

“That, my friend, is our transportation to camp,” She said matter of factly.

“But it is just a school bus we are riding to said camp in a bright yellow school bus. How is that going to keep out those watcher things?” I say confused.

“My dear Melody, you will learn quickly not to judge things on how they look on the outside.” She says with a smirk.

We walked over to the conveyor belt of suitcases  other kids were grabbing bags, some looking only about four and others at least eighteen. That's when I noticed “oh my god I just noticed I have no other clothing or anything!” I then begin to panic.

“Melody Right calm down the machine will take care of that!” Lily says snaping me out of my panic. “The thing is magic and magicly packs a bag of things you need and want. Look there's mine right now. Be right back, stay here.” She smiles then runs off to get her bag.

I just stand there tapping my foot, when someone taps my shoulder. “Um, is this yours?” I hear a voice behind me.  I spin around ready to punch still on edge.

“Please don't hit me. I've already broken my nose once this month and it was not fun.” He says putting his hands up still holding the bag.

“Sorry but why do you think that's mine?” I say sharply.

“Um because it has your name on it,” he says pointing at the tag with my name on it “I heard your friend say your name and it was next to mine so I grabbed it for you” He says holding the bag out to me. By now I pinpoint his accent. It's definitely british. “By the way I'm Jacob.” He smiles putting his hand out for me to shake. I take his hand and shake it. I look at him because I want to remember people who were nice to me. He was a little shorter than me and had honey brown hair and was wearing jeans and a green shirt and kinda looked like he had been in a garden all day.

“Melody. Wait, you already know that.” I say laughing. “Wait why were you listening to us?” I say, narrowing my eyes.

“Well did you see the entrance you made when you fell and no offence but you didn’t land very gracefully either. And There are still Watchers trying to storm the place can't you hear it?” He says nodding at the ceiling. And he was right I could hear pounding on the ceiling.

“I didn’t think it was that bad,” I say rubbing the back of my neck. He was about to say something but before he could say anymore Lily had come back.

“Hey you made a friend Melody” She says looking Jacob up and down. “Well we need to get on the bus if we want good rooms,” She says. We start to walk away.

I yell to Jacob. “Aren't you coming?”

He looks around and points at himself. “You mean me?” He asks.

“Yes you. Come on.” I yell back.

He grabs his own bag and runs to join us. He’s beaming as we walk to the bus in silence until I hear “Wow Lily you really lower your standard. Hanging out with them” I spin around and see a girl. She is shorter than me. She had moac skin and really long brown hair. She had Louis Vuitton back pack slung over her shoulder and Ray-Bans sitting on top her head. My school had girls like her and I could tell that what she had just said was a girl who was rude to everyone for pretty much no reason.

“Because that one looks like he rolled around in a garden and that one looks like a string bean that came to life and became a nerd such low standards Lily.” The girl sneers. “You need to get your act together Lily hanging out with these folks is lowering your status do you understand.” The girl says.

I was about to say something, before Lily spoke up. “Well at least I haven't lowered them to you level!” She spat back. Lily turns away and board the bus me and Jacob in toe.

I stepped on the bus and I think my jaw hit the floor. It was beautiful. It had a wooden staircase and marble floors. How this bus moved I had no clue. “Come on, we want upstairs rooms they are the best.” Lily says running to the staircase. Jacob and I smile at each other and run after her. Soon we had gone up five flights of stairs and finally we found the room Lily was in. Above the door it says 3712, so we go in. We get in, and it looks like a luxury hotel. It has a kitchen, two hallways, going in opposite directions, and a sitting room with a flat screen and comfy looking couches. And a great window seat where I could sit in the sun. I set my suitcase down on a chair and run to it.

“Wow I have never got a top room. It's pretty different from floor one, it has windows and two hallways instead of one” Jacob says admiring the room.

“Well I'm part of the tent there dear so I know where to go for pampering.” Lily says with a slight laugh. “Well I'm tent two, so I do not. I just know how to even get a room on the train.” he says then pulling out his phone. “What are these tents you're talking about?” I ask. “Well it's how we organized at the camp you'll see.” she says.

“Hey can my friend join us, he'd really like it if he could come here?” Jacob asks, interrupting Lily.

“Yeah go ahead” I say with a smile.

“Melody you can't just let anyone in.” Lily whispers.

“Well he's nice so his friend must be too and we are not going to keep this room all to ourselves.” I say.

She sighs “Darn you.” Then she goes back to her magazine. Just then the door busted open and shut quickly. “What are you doing here?” Lily yells.

The two girls stand there backs against the door. “Sorry we put a pink smoke bomb in Victoria's room and she's after us!” one of the girls says with a noticeable hispanic accent.

I looked at her and her friend. The girl who spoke was slightly chubby short with glasses covering almond shaped smoke colored eyes, skin the color of honey colored skin a bob of jet black hair and was wearing a hoodie the same color as her hair. Her friend on the other hand was the opposite of her. She was the same height as me, had pale skin, long ebony hair, purple glasses covering onyx brown monolid eyes and a light pink shirt with roses all over it. Both looked like girls who tried to blend into the crowd but failed because the one was extremely tall and the other one was extremely loud. I looked at them, the tall one then said “Well actually they’re chasing you and you're just dragging me along because I just so happen to be your best friend.” She says adjusting her glasses.

“Well victoria did deserve it for spray painting all my shoes bright orange so I think you can  stay.'' Lily says looking up from her magazine with a smirk.

Then we all hear, “oh my god I don't deserve this!” the three girls all burst out laughing.

“Well now we can be sure we can stay after that laugh. By the way I’m Louise and this is Isabela.” The tall one, Louise, says then gesturing at her friend. They make their way to the couch and plop down on the one closest to the door. Then two more people bust in, coughing. It’s a boy and a girl. “Tom are you okay?'' Jacob asks the boy.

“I'm fine dude .” Tom says coughing one more time before straightening up.

I look at him. He had a soldier cut, jet black hair, , and caramel skin and a big birth mark over his right eye. Then I looked at the girl. She was chubby with poofy mahogany red hair, porcelain skin, sapphire blue eyes a hoodie from some musical and navy blue leggings. “Hey what's your name?” I ask.

“I'm Briana. And sorry for interrupting I'll just get going.” She says, turning around to go out the door.

“Since your here, don't you want to stay and hang out with us?” I ask with a smile.

“Because number one he just grabs me away from whatever's going on outside two this is my first time and you all look like friends so I'll go get a room by myself it's no big deal,” She said.

“Hey I only really know one person here and it's my first time too so if you wanna stay you can.” I say laughing nervously.

“That's really nice of you, maybe I will stay. You seem like very nice people.” She says with a smile. “The names Melody and I was gonna say these are my friends but I just met most of them.” I laugh a little again.

I turn around and see everyone just staring at us. “Melody, you don’t even know her.'' Lily says rolling her eyes.

“You don’t know any of them either.” I say.

“Now she does kinda have a point there,” Louise says, looking at the clock over the door.

“Well see Lily we have no reason to not let her stay here.” I say and Lily just rolls her eyes as louise and isabela nod along.

Tom looked at me, he looked as if he were sceptical about her. He looked at me with his coal black eyes that looked very threatening. “That’s right. Why are you so quick to trust us anyway cause I heard you were chased by watchers. How do you know we're not evil?” He says, raising an eyebrow and chuckling a bit.

“Because even though I just met you all seem like very nice people .” I tell him rolling my eyes.

“Well it's very kind of you.'' Jacob says, glaring at Tom.

Then Lily breaks the silence. “What tents are you guys in?'' Lily asks.

“Me and Tom are in number two.'' Jacob says quickly then started fiddling with his thumbs. 

“Well I'm number five isn't it obvious with my pranks and all” Isabela says, smirking and pointing at her hoodie.

“Well I'm in tent three. I don't know how I even became friends with her.” Louise says, smiling and fake punching her friend.

“Well Melody you don't radiat anything powerful so you're probably five or six so I don’t know why someone sent watchers for you.'' Lily says tilting her head.

“What tent do you think I’m in Lily?” Briana asks with a smile. “You. You're probably two or three. You actually seem powerful.” Lily says matter of factly.

“Wow that's cool I think but what determines the tents?” Asks Briana.

“Yea what determines what tent you are in anyway?” I ask.

“Well each camper has certain skills that link to a certain group of greek gods and goddesses that have blessed you with a certain skill set and the tents are based on that.” Lily says.

“Ok what are the tents and their ‘gods’ because I’m dumb and don’t know these things.” I ask feeling pretty stupid for asking so many questions.

“Ok I’ll tell you all the tents so you can have a little better understanding. Tent six representing gods are Hypnos god of sleep. Nike goddess of victory, Eirene the goddess of peace, and Tyche goddess of luck so never place a bet against them or make them mad. The only people who can win against them are tent fives, but that’s because they cheat. Now tent five is Hermes god of thieves, languages, and travel, Iris goddess of rainbows, Macaria the goddess of the blessed death she’s the daughter of Hades by the way and Hades is the god and king of the underworld, the land of the dead. Don’t get close to any tent fives on camp prank day. Not even one that you friends with it’s dangerous. I still can’t eat pears because of that one incident.” Lily mumbles something about someone named Jeremy and then stops to catch her breath and continues. “Then four is for girls only because they live in a tent of maiden goddesses well except hera goddess of marriage but she is still really loyal to zeus her husband. Then there is Artemis, goddess of the hunt, moon and maidens. You'll learn more about that later at camp and sometimes she comes and recruits some of the girl campers. Then there's Hestia, goddess of the hearth or the fire and hebe she’s goddess of youth and charm and the daughter of Zeus and Hera.”

Lily stops to breathe and I stop her before she can continue. “Wait isn’t Athena a maiden goddess? Shouldn’t she be there instead of Hera? that would make more sense at least.” I say half asking, half stating the facts.

“Actually I'm not sure I’ve just always went with it but yeah that would make more sense but I don’t make the rules.” Lily shrugs.

“Just don’t question it.” Louise whispers as I just kinda sat there more confused.

Then Lily continues explaining. “Then three, which is mine, is Aphrodite the goddess of love and beauty we do the best makeovers when we have time by the way, Nemesis goddesses of revenge and balance again don’t make us angry some of the tent threes can be a bit vicious, then Dionysus the god of wine,parties and some people say madness but I'm not completely and lastly Morpheus the head god of dreams he’s pretty cool controls dreams an all. Then there is a tent two which is demeter the goddess of crops and the harvest, Ares god of war, then there's Zeus god of lighting the sky and the king of the gods then Hephaestus god of blacksmiths this tent is great at making weapons parkour courses and that kind of things like that and let me tell you they are scary one time all the tent fives got poison ivy after cutting down a cherry tree for the fourth of july as a joke.” Lily says. 

"heck yeah we're scary." tom laughs. Lily rolls his eyes then she continues. “Then there is the most powerful tent, number one. Poseidon, the god and king of the sea earthquakes and horses. Hecate goddess and I guess she's kinda of a titan but anyway goddess of magic cross road and one of the most important the mist then Athena goddess of wisdom arts courage and inspiration then last but not least Apollo god of the sun, music, the prophecy, healing and poetry he’s the god of alot of stuff but I don’t know it all. And the tent only has like two kids at the time I think.'' Lily says pretty quickly.

“Wait, aren't there a bunch more gods and goddesses, why don’t they have tents and what's the mist and the prophecy?” I ask because at this point I think I'm even more confused then I had been at the start.

“Well the prophecy is in Greece and hasn't been used in hundreds of years but the Mist does still exist, thank goodness or we would be in trouble. Well the mist makes sure that normal people can’t see watchers and that kind of thing. And I'm not really sure why some gods don’t have tents I never ever thought to look it up no one usually questions it you know.'' Lily Explains.

"I think a counselor once told me it was because they just didn't want to but I don't really remember."isabela chimes in

“But aren’t Poseidon and Athena enemies so why would they be part of the same tent and if zeus is the king of the gods why isn’t he part of the most powerful tent?” I ask furrowing my brow.

“Okay stop asking questions I don’t know the answers too!” Lily says rolling her eyes. Lily now picks up her magazine now zoning out us all so I knew I was not getting any more answers from her. “Help yourself to anything we are just going and we are going to be picking up camp kid’s from every state in the eastern part of America so get comfy and go find you rooms they will be specially themed and made for your needs.” Lily says and then pretends we’re not there. Everyone grins and starts talking to each other. Tom and Jacob ended walking away down one hall talking about some card game that was becoming a TV show. Then Louise and Isabela go skipping to find their rooms down the hallway as well.

“Hey I want a bud to find my room and so do you want to come we can check out your new room too.” I say holding out my arm.

“Sure it sounds fun!” Briana says she then looks at me with her eyes glossed over and says “I think you are more powerful than they think.” Her eyes then go back to normal, she then starts to walk like she hadn’t said anything at all. So I just went with it and decided not to worry about it. I then proceeded to skip with her down the hall to try to find are new magically made rooms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry if this was kinda long but I do hope you enjoyed it let me know if you have any questions. I know a lot of this is kinda unrealistic but you know. Anyway hope you have good day and let me know if I should keep posting. See y'all soon bye! : )  


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Sat Jan 30, 2021 5:26 pm
raindrops wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm raindrops and here to drop a review, hope you'll like it.

What I liked about this is that you can keep on writing dialogues and transition them good. Something that I struggle on. And yes, it is a long chapter, but that last paragraph is a bit interesting. Furthermore, you seem to have a good deal of ideas on how you want your story to go on; however, we, the readers, might have felt overload with the sudden dump of information.

What I see to be you're biggest struggle is fixing your sentence structures (i.e. grammar). The first review already pointed those and left some good advices. So, I'll just try give some suggestions:

I quickly text my mom and dash after Lily. I caught up to her quickly because I had been in a running club since 3rd grade, so running was pretty easy especially since I have really long legs. “Where are we going?” I ask trying not to sound as scared as I was.
Okay, so this is a good start. However, from here on, I'll suggest some changes you might want to consider, alright?
texted and dashed
so running was pretty easy, especially since I have really long legs

“Somewhere that will keep you safe, because your mom knew this day would come just maybe not so soon and not so urgently,” She says with heavy breaths “now don’t Look Back!” She screams just as I was looking back. I see more of that man each with a different color of fire in each of their eyes.

just maybe, not this soon." She says, you can omit telling its urgent, for you have shown it by the succeeding sentences, and you have to end this with a dot, so that you're next word is capitalized.
heavy breaths, "Now", start you're dialogues with capital letters, unless they're a continuation of a sentence.
of those men, each with a different color of fire in their eyes., noticed how I put a comma, and removed the 2nd each?

“What the heck are those things?” I yell lily mumbles some curse words and takes a deep breath.

I yelled. Lily mumbles, you may use a dot or comma between yelled and Lily. I only used the dot because personally I find it more dramatic.

Okay, so after semi-editing those first paragraphs, I have noticed that the problem here is you're use of run-on sentences, which was already pointed out by Yoshikrab. I also read her review and agree on her opinions. If you're looking for tips, there's a lot here in YWS forums. Here is a link to them, I hope this'll help. Because rather than me giving suggestions, reading these might be better.

viewforum.php?f=151

Keep on writing!!!




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Mon Jan 25, 2021 1:49 am
Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Hi @Sunflowerdemon3712! I'm Yoshi and I'll be here to review for you!

I quickly text my mom and dash after Lily. I caught up to her quickly because I had been in a running club since 3rd grade, so running was pretty easy especially since I have really long legs. “Where are we going?” I say with slight difficulty.


The first sentence is fine, and is a great introduction to chapter 2.

The second sentence, however, is a huge run-on. You have way too many subordinating conjunctions, you squashed a bunch of sentences together, and you placed only one comma where you needed it.

If you don't know what it is:

A Run-On is if you put two independent clauses together without a sufficient amount of punctuation or signals. (Run-on Sentences)

Basically, a run-on is when a writer rushes through a sentence and accidentally misses the punctuation, in contrast with the Sentence Fragment, which is a sentence that is missing a focal part.

To fix this, the best way is to split it into multiple sentences. For example, like this: "I caught up to her quickly because I had been in a running club since 3rd grade. Running was pretty easy to me since I have really long legs."

The third sentence seems a bit forced. The "I said with slight difficulty" also didn't match what you just said. You had mentioned that this PoV caught up to Lily quickly and that running was pretty easy to the PoV. However, I don't see why the PoV would have slight difficulty saying a small phrase from catching up to Lily very quickly. In retrospect, this could just count as a nit-pick, so disregard the entire last paragraph if you want. :P

Finally, your section here exhibits improper tense agreement. If you don't know what that is, it basically means that you are switching from past tense to present tense and confusing the reader. Improper tense agreement is a really easy mistake to make because it's really hard to not notice it (As the one writing). Don't worry, though! It's no biggie! :) Nevertheless, for a reader, it can cause bewilderment. If you look closely, you start off with present tense actions like 'quickly text' and 'dash after', but you then abruptly switch to 'caught up to' and 'had been'. To top it off, you finish with 'I say'. This appears a lot in your story, but it's really easy to adjust!

To fix this, and fix other issues that could pop up later, you need to establish your narrative/writing style. To do this, I ask myself these questions:

What kind of story will I be writing? Will I write a slice-of-life chill story? Will I write fantasy? If so, will I write High Fantasy? Magical Realism? Low Fantasy? If I establish what kind of story I want to write, it will help me a lot along the way.

What kind of narrative will I be writing? Will I be writing third-person present tense omniscient? Will I be writing first-person past tense? Distinguishing what kind of narrative you will write will help you fix the Improper Tense Agreement issue.

What will be the structure of my story? How will I plan for my story? Will I have cliffhangers to keep the reader excited at the end of chapters? Do I have sufficient plot twists?

These are all great suggestions to get you started, but keep in mind that these are suggestions and you are not obligated to adhere to them completely. This is simply my writing style and ideas.

You also show some casual and slang writing throughout here-- you miss some punctuation completely, bind sentences without any further signals, and create phrases beyond hyperbolic. However, this can also be easily fixed with . . . proofreading! Proofreading is the secret to making any reviewer mad! :P :D Basically, after you write a chapter of something, just read it aloud to yourself, and you'll start to see all the mistakes! In fact, when I'm reviewing other people's works, I also read it aloud. It really helps me organize my thoughts.

Plot-wise, your story is perfect. I see no further nudging for you except to slow down and don't be too wordy. You're explaining everything every time something appears. I know you don't want to leave the reader in the dark, but you also want to give SOME mysteries, if you get what I mean.

Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review!

-kyoshi






I have gotten a couple people telling me about my sentence structure and I really don't know how not to have my sentences run on do you have any idea on how I could fix that um anyway thank you for your help and have a great day :)



Yoshikrab says...


you too!




gonna be honest, i dont believe in the moon
— sheyren