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Sirens don't work (pt one of the adventures five)

by Sunflowerdemon3712

so for background this is a group of adventurers they take quests (hint hint if you leave a comment of an adventure you'd like to see them go on I'll try to write it) I would also like to add that the jolene song is actually the Reinaeiry version and I suggest that you check her out she's got a great voice! So as always reviews welcome and suggestions for adventures! Have a great day/night bye! :) 


I smirk as I tie up Lena a short plump girl with gold eyes dark wood like skin and a mischievous smile and Morgan a pale elf with stunning honey brown eyes and long white hair. 

"Alright everyone's has given over earrings,jewelry or anything potentially sharp enough to cut ropes right?" I yell

"Oh shit, I still have my earrings in help me out Jolene,"Jonathan curse his english accent thickening and mixed with neres, I walk over and help Jonathan get his earrings off and I drop them into my bag. He's a tall muscular guy with bright blue eyes curly brown hair with teal tips.

"Okay anyone else?" I ask looking around at my tied up crew mates.

"I don't think so, I wish we didn't have to do this every single time we have to sail past a stupid sirens den!" Lena growles, I just shrug.

"Your lucky you don't have to worry about sirens," Amir(a guy with ink black flowy hair honey colored skin dark teal wings and pale green eyes) says rolling his eyes.

"Eh, it's not my fault I'm just too fantastic to be affected," I laugh, that of course wasn't why I sirens didn't affect me but I did like to tease it. I then start to hear the shrieking I sigh and walk up to the wheel "alright everyone get ready!" I yell and then the shrieking turns into a melody. I see the island and their all sitting on their rock. Their teeth sharper than my knife and their skin more murky looking then the most disgusting water I had ever sailed. I saw my crew mates tugging at their ropes even trying to bite at it but I knew what I was doing so they weren't getting out of it. I see as the sirens look over at me unaffected sailing away. they stop momentarily staring me down before they start sing louder.

"No matter how loud you sing you not getting me darlin!" I had found that monsters did not like it when you called them darlin which just made me do it to every monster I come across cause why not! 

soon enough we're away from the sirens and their song is no more. 

"God damnit I think I might have broken my arm!"Amir yells

"Dumbass now I'm gonna have to heal you and me cause Morgan was wiggling around I I think she broke my ankle!" Lena yells. I walk over untying Amir who's arm was bent the wrong way. I flinch away and walk over helping Jonathan who rubs his bright blue eyes. 

"I hate being tied up my wings are crushed now," Amir complains flapping his wings. 

"I'll be over in a minute to help stop so shut up and stop complaining," Lena says glowing with a bright light and then walking over. She then takes Amir's arm they glow and Amir sighs with relief. He takes off spinning around in the air.

"Much better thank Lena!" he flashes one of his perfect white smiles. I finnish untying morgan who was fine other than having a bit of rope burn. I take my bag out of my pocket 

"Alright come get your Jewelry," I laugh at my mates. Just then Amir swoops down taking the bag from my hands "hey!" I yell up to him as he pulls it open, I was tempted to fly after him but I didn't want to stretch my wings then take off after him.

"Don't worry I'll give it back," he laughs taking out a pair of emerald earrings "here ya go Lena," he drops them and Lena dives for them, they were a gift from her boyfriend back home "and these are yours Morgan," he says tossing down a ruby necklace "oop and so's this," he says tossing down a matching hair clip both of which were a gift from her father "oh and Jonathan this is yours, but I think it looks better on me don't you think hon?" Amir laughs showing off Jonathans silver band which had Jonathan's family crest cared on it(a raven and a lion) and was over two sizes too big for Amir danity finger.

"Give it back Amir,"Jonathan tries to hide his smile as he goes quite pink

"Oh you're no fun," Amir laughs landing and placing the ring and hoop earing in his hand. He clips his matching hoop earrings and necklace back on "but you never denied the fact that it would look great on me," Amir says flying just high enough to be at eye level with Jonathan who was over a foot taller than him.

"Ugh you the worst!" Jonathan laughs trying to hide his red face.

"Alright time's up you two we need to get to work on taking in those new requests," I laugh as Amir lands with a smug look on his face.

A few hours later we're sitting in the "Well I refuses to do Martins request," Morgan huffs snapping and a scroll appearing in her hand.

"Why?" I ask leaning over her shoulder trying to look at the request but failing cause she's to tall

"Well because he's a jerk and he's not even offering a good price, two enchanted rings that's all to go and find a dragon diamond, hell no!" She snaps again and the paper set's on fire burning to ash.

"Not friends I see," Jonathan laughs.

"Not at all! A couple years ago he scammed me out of a dragon egg," She huffs probably thinking about her pet dragon daisy who was home with her sister.

"Ahh I see well I think we should do Mortens quest," Amir suggests “twelve pixie diamonds for only two medusa opals look,” Amir then throws me scroll and I catch it mid air.

“Hm he’s the jeweler right?” I ask putting my hand in my pocket to feel the cold surface of the jem in my pocket.

“Yeah him and his daughter Crystal, they’re really good they made my earrings!” Lena says showing off her earrings while throwing another scroll over her shoulder.

“Perfect I’ve been wanting to get a necklace made for a while now, maybe I can ask him,” the jem was a rare sky diamond it was one of only five in the world, it had been passed down through my family since you could pretty much just pick the diamonds up off the street. It was supposed to be given to the first born but everyone in my family and most of my friends know why my mother gave it to me instead.

“What are you getting turned into a necklace?” Amir asks, putting a scroll in the yes pile.

“My diamond you idiot,” I say pulling it out of my pocket, everyone ooh and aah’s as they always do when I pull out the diamond. I slip it back into my pocket making sure it wouldn’t fall out as always.

About a half hour later Lena finishes her pile having only thrown two into the yes pile

“Okay I’m done I’m off to message Allanon and tell him we’re almost home,” she gets up dusting herself off.

“Tell him I say hi!” I yell as she shuts the door.

“I can’t wait to get back home! I mean I love the sea, don't get me wrong but I want to take a walk in the woods,” Amir loves all things plants and nature. He even has a small garden of plants that can only grow out at sea on ship at all times “Maybe when we’re dropping off Devens ring I can see if he’s got any new plants for me,” Amir beamed at the thought.

“You don’t need anymore plant’s you’ve already got plenty,” Morgan insisted,

“Well that’s not true I can always have more plant’s,” Amir smiles, Jonathan nods along. Although the only plant he had was a small desk plant that Amir had given him. Just then the boat lurched

“Morgan I thought you put the self sail spell on the boat!” I panic bolting up

“I did it was probably just a mistake,” Morgan suggests.

After a few minutes we finally relaxed. It was just a scare thankfully.

I was surprised Lena didn’t run down up to check on what was going on. But then again if she was writing to Allanon she probably didn’t even notice the boat.

After another few hours of going through scrolls and letters from people it was finally time for bed.

I pull my fiery red hair out of my white bandana letting the curls spill out over my shoulders. I braid it pull on my night clothes.

I click my light off and lay down on my bed staring at my ceiling. I quickly turned over sleeping on my wings was never comfortable sleeping on my back. I don’t know how some people did it. My wing falls over me as I stare at the picture of me and my mother on my side table. That was my first day sailing me and my mother talked about everything and it was great. She told me how she chose my name when I was born and when she saw my emerald green eyes and it reminded her of a very old folk song Jolene and so she named me Jolene, only for me to grow up and look quite similar to her with my red hair and my green eyes.

Soon enough I drift into sleep.

I wake up only to find myself standing on the water this time. I hear the screaming and I try to run to it only to feel as the ocean trys to suck me down I try to fly to try and lift myself out but I couldn’t cause they weren’t there, then sirens begin to rise out of the water sing in his voice louder and louder until they drown out the screams. I slowly feel as the ocean pulls me down, consuming me. I try to gasp for air only for my lungs to fill with water. I keep trying to claw my way out but in the end I just sink deeper.

I bolt awake and take a huge gasp of air, but I wasn’t underwater I’m in my cabin and there were no voices, no screaming, just the sound of the waves. I throw my covers off sitting up I stretch my wings only halfway only for them to hit the sides of my cabin, I stand up bringing them back in and pushing the door open.

Soon I was on the top deck I take off my jacket and I let my wings stretch all the way out I do this a couple of times before for running and jumping off the side of the boat. I flap my wing and launch myself into the air.

I love my wings they’re almost pure white and feathered, people think that you wouldn’t be able to do as much with wings like mine but that’s not true it just takes practice. But keeping them contained was harder then having fairy wings which are thin and much smaller.

The wind whipped my face and I felt better flying always made me feel better it just felt right.

“Jolene?” I hear a confused voice yell, I yelp and look around I look down to see a smiling face

“Oh hey Mary it’s just you,” I sigh and dive down to meet her,

“I didn’t think you’d be back till tomorrow night? At least that’s what everyone's saying,” Mary giggles.

“Yeah I didn’t think so either but it looks like we’ll be home in a few hours,” I added and she nods

“Well it’s great to see you,” she smiles, flashing her sharp teeth. Mary was a shark mermaid with a pretty grey tail and sparkling dark blue eyes.

“It’s great to see you too Mary,” I smile and she giggles again.

“So how’s Jonathan?” She asks, laying on her back, Jonathan was the only one of us who was pretty much completely ‘human’ so quite a few people checked up on him even though Jonathan definitely knew how to hold his own.

“He’s doing good,” She nods

“Well that’s good to hear,” she grins, flapping her tail “Jolene I wish I had wings, yours are so pretty.” she says with a sigh, and I let out a soft laugh.

“Mary your a mermaid,” I laugh and she rolls her eyes

“Yeah but living in the sea is overrated it gets boring really quick,” she then looks at the sky “ I gotta go but I’ll see you later Jolene,” she flashes one last smile before diving back into the water.

“Bye,” I yell hoping for her to hear me.

I land on the deck and take one last deep breath of air before I walk back down towards the cabins. I set my bell up to ring at around four in the morning instead of just being able to sleep late.

I thankfully fell into a peaceful sleep this time, I woke up to my bell chiming and I sit up rubbing my eyes. I smile knowing I would be home in a near hour. I hop up pulling on my day clothes and running a brush through my hair.

I walk out of my cabin and knock on everyone's door as I go down.

“Time to wake up!” I cheer and I get a yell from Amir who was not a morning person. I walk up the stairs and up onto the deck. It was still dark outside and the sun wouldn’t start to peak for another hour or two.

Soon all my crewmates were on deck yawning.

“Why are we up at this ungodly hour?” Amir asks, rubbing his eyes.

“Well it turns out we were a little closer to home then I thought! We’re going to be home in about an hour,” I smile, they all give tired but gleeful cheers.

“I can surprise Allanon,” Lena cheers

“Yep that’s all great but I’m still tired so I’ll be back,” Amir mumbles, walking off probably to make tea.

We got to the dock in an hour but it felt like years we had been gone for two months which wasn’t our longest quest (the longest was five) but it did take longer than what we would have liked.

As soon as we arrived there were a handful people on the dock who welcomed us home. I smile, breathing in the smell of fresh baked bread that always lingered because of the bakery, Lena kept flattening her skirt. Morgan was reading the scroll for Mortens quest, and I had a hand on her shoulder so she wouldn’t end up falling or running into something, Amir (who was in much better mood) smiles as we walk down he shifts the flower into his other hand lacing his fingers with Jonathans. We get welcome homes and some pat’s on the back before we get to Mishies Flower Shop. We walked in and the little bell at the top dings, the shop was covered head to toe in flowers cacti and other kinds of plants, Amir drags Jonathan over to the section for water plants.

Almost as soon as we walked in Mr.Mishie a short pot bellied with sunburned skin man came rushing out of a door near the back, putting glasses on as he did so.

“Hello, hello! It’s great to see you!” He beams adjusting his glasses. “I assume you got me my flower?” he asks as Amir walks over placing the blooming purple flower on the counter.

“One purple Angel dust rose,” I smile and he eyes it carefully

“Kaytlin darling would you mind helping me dear?” Mrs.Mishie emerges from the back, she has dark blue hair sprinkled with grey tied into a ponytail, almond colored skin and bright pink fairy wings.

“What’s wrong honey,” she asks, planting a kiss on her husband's head.

“Can you tell me if this is purple?” he asks holding up the flower

“Yes dear it’s a very nice dark purple,” she laughs and turns to us “hello dear’s how are you all?” she asks smiling sweetly as Mr.Mishie walks to the back.

“We’re doing well and happy to be home!” I grin and she nods, then Mr.Mishie walks out from the back with a small bag.

“Five pixie emeralds two pixie rubies and eight pixie sapphires, is that right?” he asks, placing the bag down.

“Yep thank you Mr.Mishie,” Morgan smiles putting the bag in her satchel.

“So Amir the last time you came you were looking for-”

“No,no I am putting my foot down Amir no more plant’s on the ship I swear they are this close to invading my cabin you’ve already got two in the hallway!” Lena insits, Amir pouts


“No!” Lena insists, Amir just folds his arms and glances around the shop then walks over and picks up a petunia and hands it to Lena. “Why did you give me a flower?” she asks, as Amir takes the flower back.

“Look it up later,” he huffs.

We say thank you again and walk out heading for Mortens quest. We wander through town for a little while buying some food and just looking around. But all day people were saying they’re sorry but I had no clue why, I just thought maybe they were apologizing for running into my wings and I didn’t notice, but the truth was way worse.

After another hour or so we finally arrived at Mortens, his daughter Crystal was standing at the counter helping a man bag something. Once he’s done we walk up to the front. Crystl was a beautiful girl with a half shaved head of black fading into the same crystal blue of her eyes, pointed ears, honey colored skin and a stunning smile.

“Oh hey guy’s,” she grins, her elven accent as strong as ever.

“Hi Crystal we’re here to see your father about his quest and I have a question for you,” I explain and she nods

“Of course I’ll get my father and then I’ll see about helping you,” she winks and heads up the stairs.

Crystal walks down the stairs, carrying a note pad.

“My dad will be down in a little,” she explains then walking over to the half of the counter. I walk over and she puts the book down, she opens the book it was full of curly handwriting. “So what can I do for ya?” she asks and I take the diamond out of my pocket.

“I need this turned into a necklace,” she stares at it and I place it in her hand. She puts her goggles down and gasps

“This is a real sky diamond!” she admires it and grins

“It was my mother,” I explain, she nods placing it on the counter.

“Well since your helping my dad out I’ll do for half the price, it helps that you're cute,” she winks and I feel the heat rise in my cheeks.

“Well that’s very sweet of you,” I smile and try to hide my face which was probably bright red, she just giggles. We talk about the design and I ended up chosin a wrap like designing a light rose gold. Her father who looks almost just like her just with shorter and fully black hair. He smiles and walks over.

“Sorry it took so long was finishing something up, so I heard your all willing to take my quest?” he asks bouncing on his toes.

“Yes and I was just wondering how soon you need it?” Jonathan asks.

“Oh I don’t need it till at least August so take your time, it’s for a small project that isn't needing to be finished till December,” He smiles and then he catches my eyes as I walk over. His face falls and I raise my eyebrows “Oh Jolene I’m so sorry.” he walks over and brings me into and embrace.

“Um what are you sorry for?” I ask and he looks confused.

“Wait you don’t know?” he asks then looking around at me and my mates.

“What’s wrong?” I ask ask fear building in my chest like bricks being put onto of me.

“Well you see your brother escaped from his cell two days ago,”     

Is this a review?



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664 Reviews

Points: 79686
Reviews: 664

Sat Apr 10, 2021 6:04 pm
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Plume wrote a review...

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I enjoyed this first part of your story! I think you have a lot of promising substance here, even if it does need a little polishing. Your writing voice is very engaging, and you characters are SOOOO fleshed out.

One of my favorite things about this was the way your characters interacted with one another. I can tell that you're either really great at forming characters, or that a lot of work has gone into each and every one of them. Your narrator seems like a very sassy characters, and all of the others are also very fun to read about. One thing I wondered about with regards to them was that you're introducing a lot at once, and it can get kind of confusing keeping them all straight. Maybe try doing a few at a time. And also, when you do introduce them, the reader doesn't need to know all the nitty-gritty details of their appearance. Only bring it up when it's necessary or won't seem out of place. If all of these people know each other, it seems strange for the narrator to spend time describing each of them. Instead, weave the details in when the narrator is explicitly focusing on aspects of the physical appearances of the people they're interacting with.

Like the other review mentioned, you should also brush up on your comma usage/general punctuation. Here are some of the recurring issues I noticed:

1. Sentence Openers/Opening Words and Addresses

"Eh it's not my fault I'm just too fantastic to be affected," I laugh.

"Oh shit I still have my earrings in help me out Jolene," Jonathan curses.

These two sentences both have phrases at the beginning ("eh" and "oh shit.") You need to place commas after them, since generally, when speaking, people place a pause after them. Also, whenever you have a name either before or after the main dialogue (like Jolene in the second example) you need to separate it with a comma.

2. Comma Splices and Not Enough Commas

"Why?" I ask leaning over her shoulder trying to look at the request but failing cause she's to tall.

This sentence is missing a couple commas. Generally, whenever you have a conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so), you need to have a comma before it unless you're trying to achieve a specific tone. Also: if you have a phase with the present participle of a verb (the form ending in -ing), you need to separate it from the rest with a comma. And not just the verb, the whole phrase. For example, in this sentence, it wouldn't be just "leaning," it would be "leaning over her shoulder."

“Well it turns out we were a little closer to home then I thought, we’re going to be home in about an hour,” I smile, they all give tired but gleeful cheers.

This is an example of a comma splice. Actually, you've got two comma splices: one in the dialogue, and one that serves as the dialogue tag. Basically, you've got two independent clauses and are joining them with a comma. I'd suggest just making these just separate sentences, though you could add in a conjunction after the comma or use a semicolon instead of a comma as well.

Other than that, this story looks super promising! I'm excited to see what else you write!!

Sunflowerdemon3712 says...

Thank you so much for the review I have gone back and changed the thing that you suggest I changed so thanks again hop your having a good day/night!

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27 Reviews

Points: 184
Reviews: 27

Sun Apr 04, 2021 3:13 pm
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FourLeafClover wrote a review...

Hi! I'm here to review your work!
Okay, so, the first thing I noticed was that you need to work on your punctuation. For example, there are a bunch of sentences without periods or other forms of punctuation at the end that you need to put in. Also, there are a bunch of run-on sentences. You could fix a bunch of them by putting in commas, semicolons, or separating them into more than one sentence. You also need to capitalize some things that need to be capitalized. For example, there's this paragraph:
“Oh I don’t need it till at least august so take your time, it’s for a small project that isn't needing to be finished till december,” He smiles and then he catches my eyes as I walk over. His face falls and I raise my eyebrows “oh Jolene I’m so sorry.” he walks over and brings me into and embrace
August and December need to be capitalized, as do "oh" in "oh Jolene I'm so sorry" and "he" in "he walks over and brings me into an embrace."
Other than that, though, the story seemed pretty interesting!

Sunflowerdemon3712 says...

Yes thank you for that helpful review I'm not all that great with punctuation and I am working on it, but it's not quite perfect yet, also thank you for letting me know about the months I forgot to capitalize them so thank you! :)

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58 Reviews

Points: 183
Reviews: 58

Tue Mar 30, 2021 1:04 am
Sunflowerdemon3712 says...

I hope y'all enjoyed

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
— Lemony Snicket