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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi, StreetRat! It's awesome to see you lurking around the site again.
This is a very short song, and very sad at that. :c It made me "d'aww" after reading it. Which is actually a good thing, getting reactions from your audience! You do have a couple really nice moments here.
I wish I could hear the music to this. I have an inkling this is either meant to be a shortie or heavily instrumental. There isn't much of a story told -- in fact, the song is meant to keep the story from being told, I think. It kinda makes me want more! xD But I can't say that I don't like the briefness of this piece because it is nice, and I do appreciate short tunes once in a while, if only to sing while I toast some pop-tarts in the morning.
Anyhoodles!
This line actually confused me for the whole thing, and that I'm not sure is good. This line either tells me the previous line was a lie or this entire song is a lie. Unless the song's tone is built up to that, the entire piece turning out to be a lie is about as disappointing as an entire novel turning out to be the character's dream. It's really not as exciting anymore!
However, if that line is meant for just the previous line... I might suggest making some changes to indicate that or just rewrite the line/part.
The second/last stanza is also brief and extremely simple. However, it seems like such a wonderfully dramatic ending for an... undramatic song. Like the song let the ending down! D: Maybe a little more meat in the song will help build up for the effect at the end better. Food for thought!
Well done, though. I hope to see you around more! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thank you! Yeah, I honestly didn't know what to put for the lie part. It just meant that I would be lying if I said things would be alright, ya know? I couldn't really think of anything else to put there, but once I do, I will change it. Thank you for your feedback, it means a lot. And I know. It's weird being on here again, but I like it and I love writing, so I guess it all just goes together.