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16+

J.R.T.

by StreetRat


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Anger fills me.

It ferments in my vessel.

Icy veins and hot skin.

Heart pounding in my chest.

I look in the mirror.

Where have I gone?

I try to smile,

but hatred pushes me aside.

I am consumed by this;

this white-hot ruin.

A feeling I can't shake

as I try not to explode.

Stagnant rage within me;

a pressure so high.

I imagine how it'd feel

to twist your soul with my hands.

I want you to be ash

from my lava knuckles.

I want you blackened

because of me.

I'm horrified by it;

how cathartic it would be

to snuff you out

like how I feel inside.

I look in the mirror again.

This can't be me staring back.

"Just smile, just breathe!"

But even I'm afraid of me.


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5 Reviews


Points: 332
Reviews: 5

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Sun May 31, 2020 5:33 am
Scribbler20 wrote a review...



Hii StreetRat! This is Scribbler here for a quick review. This is a great piece and I can relate with it easily. I didn’t get the title but I guess it should have been something personal to you. On reading your post comment, I first expected to read a poem where the speaker would feel it much easier to handle a pressure with anger rather than sorrow. I say this because I have felt that millions of time. Sorrow seems to weigh me down into inaction, while anger always seemed hot and light to me. But I totally enjoyed reading your other perspective of viewing anger. Just that the comment “I guess being angry is better than being sad” seemed to suggest what I said earlier.

I loved the strong imagery in your poem. I also like the flow of your poem in the short verses. I really believe that those short verses fit well with your whole theme.
Apart from that, I feel that you could have used some better wordings at some places. Like in place where you used the word “stagnant rage within me”. Somehow stagnant didn’t look like a good adjective of rage, especially on reading your previous lines. You could have used “torrenting” or “streaming” or perhaps, “boiling”. That should have stood well to describe your rage.
I also guess you would have used the word stagnant because you were referring to the anger and hatred that have accumulated over years and that which you had kept dormant within you. In that case, this suppressed rage would have conveyed the reader of what you actually meant. But I will be honest, these are all my speculations and suggestions, so ignore them if it didn’t help much.
I also felt the same way with the word “ferment”.
Also in the line
“I imagine how it'd feel
to twist your soul with my hands.”
“twist” didn’t seem to fit in well. I would have preferred “crush” or something like that.
Again in the line
“I want you to be ash
from my lava knuckles.”
I felt “burn you to ashes” would have been more appropriate.
But trust me, these words choices didn’t affect the overall message you were conveying. Those words just seemed to stand out of places to me. But then, it could just be me, so just ignore it if it didn’t sound right to you.
I love the ending where you feel afraid of this new creature standing full of hatred right before you, emphasizing what this anger has turned you into.
Overall, it is an engaging poem, and I loved it. Keep writing! Hoping to read more of your works!




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209 Reviews


Points: 14343
Reviews: 209

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Wed May 20, 2020 5:26 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hello StreetRat! I saw this poem and the green room and I thought I'd drop by to give you a review.

I really love how raw and uncensored the emotions in this poem are. I like how short and concise the lines are, and I feel like that helps to convey how fed up the narrator is. Personally, I would recommend dividing the poem into a few stanzas, to break it up a little. However, since the poem is short and the lines are easy to read, it isn't necessary, and it's mostly a style thing. So it's really up to your preference.

If you did want to add stanzas, one way to do that is spoilered below.

Spoiler! :

Anger fills me.

It fills my vessel.

Icy veins and hot skin.

Heart pounding in my chest.

I look in the mirror.

Where have I gone?


I try to smile,

but hatred pushes me aside.

I am consumed by this;

this white-hot ruin.

A feeling I can't shake

as I try not to explode.

Stagnant rage within me;

a pressure so high.


I imagine how it'd feel

to twist your soul with my hands.

I want you to be ash

from my lava knuckles.

I want you blackened

because of me.

I'm horrified by it;

how cathartic it would be

to snuff you out

like how I feel inside.


I look in the mirror again.

This can't be me staring back.

"Just smile, just breathe!"

But even I'm afraid of me.

That's just one way, and it's totally up to how you want the poem to flow.


The other thing I want to mention is trying to vary up the verbs, adjectives, and adverbs used throughout the poem. There are a few instances where vocabulary is repeated, and trying to exchange repetition for fresh words generally makes a poem stronger.

Anger fills me.

It fills my vessel.


I get why you chose to repeat the verb "fill", but I would personally recommend switching the second one out for a new verb. For example, you could say
"It floods my vessel."
Especially since "vessel" could refer to a boat.


I look in the mirror again.


Again, I understand why you chose to repeat this from earlier in the poem, but my personal taste would be to alter the wording up a little, for example

I examine my smoky reflection again.


Or something along the lines of that. But as I've said, this is just a preference, so feel free to ignore it if you disagree.


Other than that, I just have one nitpick about wording choice -

Stagnant rage within me;


"Stagnant" to me evokes dormant or still, and I don't think that's what the rest of the poem is suggesting - perhaps something like "turbulent" or "awoken" would be more accurate?


That's it for my critiques - overall, this poem is very well done! I really enjoyed reading it, and I could definitely relate to the narrator's anger. I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Keep writing!

Whatchamacallit




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26 Reviews


Points: 2580
Reviews: 26

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Tue May 19, 2020 3:22 am
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AtlasW wrote a review...



Hi, StreetRat! I'm Atlas, and I'm here to give your poem, J.R.T., a quick review. I haven't done this for a while, so I may be a little rusty. Thanks in advance for bearing with me. I also want to express that the statements made below about your poem are strictly my own, and I mean no offence by any of them (If I do offend you or say something that you feel is out of turn, please let me know!). Also, they are purely suggestions, so feel free to take them with a grain of salt. Anyway, let's jump right in!

Overall, I really liked the overall message of your poem. I feel like a lot of people would be able to relate to the feelings you've described. I know I certainly can. I also really enjoyed the imagery you used throughout the entire piece.

Your grammar was spot on; I didn't see any errors there. Reading the piece, I did think the ideas were a bit choppy. What I mean by that is all your ideas were present and well established, but there weren't really any transitions to make the poem flow from statement to statement. Even then, I'm probably making things sound worse than they are, but I'm honestly just being nitpicky.

I am a bit curious about the person the narrator addresses (ex: I imagine how it'd feel to twist your soul...). If you decide to edit this, I think adding a bit of a backstory for why the narrator feels this way about the person they are talking about would help clear that up, as well as give you more opportunities to create even more awesome imagery! I also was a bit unsure about how the title of the piece relates to the piece itself, but I understand that it's totally possible (and honestly quite likely) that the title has a personal meaning to you. No need to explain anything you aren't comfortable with.

My favorite bit of your poem is the line I want you to be ash//from my lava knuckles.//I want you blackened//because of me. I love the imagery in these lines; it brings across the emotion to the reader very effectively.

Again, I want to congratulate you on such an awesome piece! Like I've said a billion times already, your imagery was amazing, and your appeal to pathos was extremely well done. Hopefully the suggestions I made were at least a little bit helpful (apologies if they weren't!), and, if you like, feel free to look back on them while editing (again, if you chose to).

Thanks again, and happy writing!
~Atlas




StreetRat says...


I appreciate your review, Atlas! I threw this together during a very vulnerable time for me. I just had to get it all out, you know? Sometimes you gotta. Anyway, I take no offense and am open to suggestions on the line you picked out. As well as flow. Feel free to message me. I love throwing ideas around. %uD83D%uDE0A

Also, just for the sake of curiosity, the title "J.R.T." are initials and my unfortunate inspiration for this poem.




It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney