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The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 7

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The landscape was changing. The grass became sparser, the trees even less frequent; they were entering Kuwha. When Asha realized that the landscape was beginning to match what she remembered from childhood, she almost felt winded. How long had it been since she had last been back? Was Khari even alive? What about Ebele or Obasi? A pit of guilt bobbed in her stomach. When was the last time she had written? Too long.

Then, the pit started to grow. What if no one was left? What if the slavers had beaten her there?

Asha furiously shook her head to clear the thought from her mind. They wouldn't beat her. "Yuni!" she called. "I'm going to teleport us to my village.

Asha turned to face wide, brown eyes. "Teleport?" Yuni said. "That takes much energy. Are you sure that you are capable of doing so?"

Asha shook her head. "Not here," she admitted. "But there," she said pointing into the distance at a group of trees. "I'm going to use the energy from that copse of trees to teleport us there. It should be enough." Yuni nodded once and they set off in the direction of the copse.

It was blessedly cool under the shade of the grove. "Place your hands on my shoulders," Asha commanded. "It's very difficult to teleport two different entities at the same time, but this should make things much easier for me."

Yuni nodded, hesitantly placing her hands on Asha's shoulders. "Are you sure?" Yuni whispered.

Asha nodded, "I don't make mistakes."

With that last exchange, Asha closed her eyes and searched for the pulsing energy she needed for the magic. With a shuddering breath, she ignored the positively crackling energy behind her: Yuni's human life force. She honed in on the throbbing energy of the trees, deceptively powerful beneath the wooden exterior. She guided the energy into her body until she thrummed with the stolen life forces of the flora.

She pushed the energy out, slow and measured, but with all the force of a tsunami. Though the energy roared in her ears, she could still head the earth shattering crack of the teleportation over it all. Even through closed eyes, the world seemed to distort and then bend back into place, the ground reeling beneath her feet.

From years of experience, Asha knew not to open her eyes right away, but Yuni didn't have that kind of experience. Asha felt her hands slip from her shoulders and heard a small thud followed by a pained moan. "You okay?" Asha asked, eyes still closed.

"I feel ill," Yuni said faintly.

"Close your eyes," Asha advised. "You get less dizzy then."

Yuni let out a weak hum of understanding and all was silent for a minute as both of them recovered. Cautiously, Asha blinked her eyes open, reeling at the harsh sunlight. She shielded her eyes with an arm. "It's okay to open your eyes now, Yuni, but the sun is bright."

Asha's eyes adjusted to the light in time for her to see Yuni shield her face with her hand and open her eyes, squinting, even in her manufactured shade.

"That was..." Yuni trailed off.

"Sickening?" Asha finished in an amused tone.

Yuni nodded wordlessly, still in a heap on the ground.

"You get used to it," Asha laughed. Her stomach twinged and she realized how thoroughly mixed it felt. "Well, not too used to it."

Yuni laughed weakly, propping herself up with one arm and taking her hand away from her eyes.

With a silly grin on her face- something she hadn't worn in a long time- she turned to gaze upon her village for the first time in nearly seven years. When she finally got a look, the grin melted right off her face.

Cold, clammy dread sent chills throughout her body, in direct contrast to the smoking ruins of the tiny town she used to call her home. She was deaf, mute, but worst of all, she wasn't blind. She couldn't look away, blink, unsee it. It was truth, brutal reality. Burning tears filled her eyes as she remembered the worst of it. She'd not written enough.

Her muteness left her in a cold, broken laugh and she wiped away the wetness at her eyes. Her childhood home lay before her in smoldering ashes, and all she could think about was the fact that she hadn't sent a letter in a year.

A hand gently brushed her shoulder before settling softly like a moth. "Asha," Yuni breathed.

In a fit of pure rage, Asha slapped Yuni's hand away from her. "Don't touch me!" she screamed, her words echoing on the barren plain.

"Asha," Yuni said more insistently. "I know this hurts-"

"Hurts?" Asha shouted. "This doesn't hurt! It feels like I'm being ripped apart inside. I can't even describe to you how much this hurts," she sneered. She looked again at the ashes and rubble of her home and let out a cracked laugh that morphed into a keen of pure pain. She sank to her knees and stared wide eyed at her lap; she stared at the hands that did nothing while her village was attacked and destroyed.

Tears warped her vision and then plopped into her curled hands, pooling in her palms. She didn't sniffle or sob or make any more noise until Yuni wrapped her long, thin arms around Asha. Only then did she break the silence. She wept loudly and piteously, her face still hidden, and her eyes closed while each tear squeezed through her tightly shut eyelids.

It was a long time before the tears waned. With a shaking hand, she wiped away the tears that had wet her face. She shrugged Yuni's arms off of her and stood, the paler woman hovering around her. "Are you well?" Yuni asked.

Asha ignored Yuni's question, opting for an apology instead. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice quivering. "I shouldn't have said that to you."

"You were- are- hurting. I will not hold what you said then against you."

"Thank you," Asha murmured. All was silent for a moment, and Asha looked up at the sky. The sun was an orb, hanging in the sky, painting the clouds an array of pinks and oranges. But the haze of dissipating smoke that hung around it was unmistakable and left an acrid aftertaste to the otherwise beautiful scene. "I think I'm ready."

Asha could see Yuni nodding out of the corner of her eye. "Lead the way," Yuni said.


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Fri Jul 06, 2018 3:53 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey inktopus,

Shady back again. You know the routine so I won't waste time on a lengthy explanation here -- though I will mention a little aside. You posted this on my birthday last year :o Birthday story, yay ;) Okay, let's get started...

The landscape was changing. The grass became sparser, the trees even less frequent; they were entering Kuwha. When Asha realized that the landscape was beginning to match what she remembered from childhood, she almost felt winded.


I like this opening. It's a really nice description, and also holds a bit of nostalgia about returning to a childhood home. I like the way you explain it.

Was Khari even alive? What about Ebele or Obasi?


So, I like these names. And they are presumably friends or family of Asha's from her childhood home. But you don't explain to us anything about who they are or why we should care -- so honestly, right now, I don't really care? Which isn't necessarily good? Maybe just add in a line or who explaining who these people are and what they mean to Asha, so that we know why we should care about whether they're alive when she gets there.

Asha nodded, "I don't make mistakes."


Uh oh... I've got a bad feeling about this...

With a shuddering breath, she ignored the positively crackling energy behind her: Yuni's human life force. She honed in on the throbbing energy of the trees, deceptively powerful beneath the wooden exterior. She guided the energy into her body until she thrummed with the stolen life forces of the flora.


Ooooh, I REALLY like this part. It is beautifully written. Like she can sense Yuni's life force -- there's the possibility of turning her into a human familiar. But she decidedly refuses and instead focuses on the trees like she'd planned. This is very nice. Great job.

With a silly grin on her face- something she hadn't worn in a long time- she turned to gaze upon her village for the first time in nearly seven years.


So just before this bit, you reference Yuni. So she's still the topic in our mind and we think that Yuni has the silly grin -- but then the rest of the sentence makes it clear that this is about Asha not Yuni. I suggest making it clear that it's Asha. Maybe you could replace the second "she" (the one right after the second dash) with her name?

she stared at the hands that did nothing while her village was attacked and destroyed.


Ouch.

~ ~ ~

This is a really good chapter. One of the best so far, in my opinion. You did a really good job of capturing Asha's unbridled grief -- and I like the slightly awkward but genuine relationship between the two girls. I also like how supportive Yuni is during this emotionally traumatizing time for Asha.

I also like your descriptions. That was a strong part of the chapter -- between the transporting and the exposition of the scenery. Very nicely done.

I think that's about all I have for tonight!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




inktopus says...


Thanks for the review! I'm going to try to keep up my end of the bargain tonight and review your LMS chapter.



Shady says...


Sounds good!



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Tue Nov 28, 2017 9:16 am
liehart wrote a review...



The description of Asha using her magic was very beautifully written. Perhaps my favourite thing about this world is the rules you've set up around how mages use their power, I just love the idea of using nature as a source of strength.

Another strong point of the chapter was Asha's grief, it felt very authentic. I think you can afford to dwell on it more, as the story deserves to take its time on such a key plot point. I feel like there could also be a little more describing the burnt out home, such as a one sentence paragraph establishing it. In general, more short sentences would add to a chapter such as this.

Other than that, I can't fault this chapter. Of what I've read so far, it's probably the best one.




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Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:23 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey Storm. I was slacking off on these reviews for awhile but I figured there's no time like the present to catch up. I can do 10 reviews in one day, right?

The landscape was changing. The grass became sparser, the trees even less frequent; they were entering Kuwha. When Asha realized that the landscape was beginning to match what she remembered from childhood, she almost felt winded. How long had it been since she had last been back? Was Khari even alive? What about Ebele or Obasi? A pit of guilt bobbed in her stomach. When was the last time she had written? Too long.

Then, the pit started to grow. What if no one was left? What if the slavers had beaten her there?

1. There are several things here that make me want to talk about this specific paragraph, the first thing actually being that singular line. When you see something like that in a text, where a character is wondering and hoping about something on a timeline, you can assume that they don't get there before the opposing force. That's just like a standard thing that happens in action movies to give the character more reason to go after the opposing force.
You set it up pretty good with the mentions of her family and the guilt and such in the previous bit, which is what I look for when I see foreshadowing like this. So for the moment, even though I know the chapter is going to have a tragic ending, I'm liking it.
2. "too long." seems rather unnecessary at the end of the paragraph and if you were trying for some extra emphasis, I didn't see it happening. If the character is questioning something and can't remember the time, we can assume it's been awhile. And leaving another wondering question, just leads into the next set which might actually heighten the emotions swirling right here.

With a silly grin on her face- something she hadn't worn in a long time- she turned to gaze upon her village for the first time in nearly seven years. When she finally got a look, the grin melted right off her face.

Cold, clammy dread sent chills throughout her body, in direct contrast to the smoking ruins of the tiny town she used to call her home. She was deaf, mute, but worst of all, she wasn't blind. She couldn't look away, blink, unsee it. It was truth, brutal reality. Burning tears filled her eyes as she remembered the worst of it. She'd not written enough.

Yep. There we go. Called it. Now of course the main character is going to have more of a purpose guiding her to defeat the evil going on and I guess that's something to appreciate within a novel. You've finally reached the point when more things have been defined and now we won't be dilly dallying around introducing characters that may or may not be important to the advancement of the plot.

I like to continue commenting on the dialogue since it's started taking up large chunks of your chapters and I find it to be a bit more realistic now. And it actually sounds like an actual conversation is going on between these two characters, where before it was like you had just glued them together. This was a kind of fight between the two but it's another one of those spots that I'm guessing was designed to make a little hurtle for them to get over and improve their relationship.

The ending is nice and prepares readers for the adventure that is really just now beginning, with the two mcs finally trusting each other (but maybe not really), and some other parts being smoother than before.




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Sun Aug 27, 2017 11:15 pm
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello again, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for a review from Team Autumn on this lovely Review Day. Let's get right into it!

I'm really starting to get a good sense of Yuni and Asha as characters. I can feel and understand their emotions and mistakes very strongly. The main thing I enjoyed about this chapter is how Asha shows her one strong regret very strongly and obviously, which was not sending letters to her family in a long time, a year, it was?. Yuni's apologetic behavior towards Asha is very heart pulling (to me, anyway) and it makes her seem more realistic, and not just a name on a screen.

The one thing I would like to see more detail on is the burning village. All I know is that it's one fire, which I can get an image in my head with knowing just that, but I feel the reader knowing the size of the village and buildings could be important while making an image. As I said in another review, you don't need to destine every little things, but stating the two details I said above could help the reader form an image in their head, and then they could go on from there.

I really can't give proper criticism for this chapter, as almost everything I pointed out was stated by other reviewers, and I don't you to just reader another repeat, so I'll end the review here.

Feel free to reply or send a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.

Pastel




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Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:00 pm
Charm wrote a review...



Hey Stormcloud! Thanks for requesting a review. Hopefully, I won’t disappoint, haha. I can be a bit harsh with my words since I’m a blunt, honest person but I hope you know that I have good intentions and I hope you’ll forgive me if I do end up upsetting you. Also this is all my advice and opinions and you can take what you want from them.

Initially, when I began reading your chapter I noticed that you used the word ‘landscape’ twice really closely to each other and I just recommend going to thesaurus.com and finding a synonym for it to use the second time. It gets a bit disruptive for the reader when the spot the same word multiple times. That’s why when I’m going over my writing I always keep thesaurus.com open so I can quickly expand my vocabulary.

When was the last time she had written? Too long.

‘Too long’ as an answer to the first question actually doesn’t make sense. I think, “Too long ago,” would make more sense.

I’m going to be honest and say the I immediately noticed that Yuni talked differently. While I know this doesn’t take place in our world I found her speak odd and unrealistic. Kind of robotic, or like I imagine her talking with a strange accent. I don’t know but it didn’t seem quite right to me and I wanted to point that out.

"I'm going to use the energy from that copse of trees to teleport us there. It should be enough." Yuni nodded once and they set off in the direction of the copse.

Here is another case of two words being repeated in the same paragraph. Those words being ‘copse’, you could instead say ‘gathering of trees’ or ‘thicket’ or something like that.

I also recommend adding more description to this chapter especially when it comes to the scenery. While this is not so much the beginning of the novel anymore it still is important to show the readers what’s going on and keep them absorbed in the universe. Perhaps instead of telling the readers that it was cool under the grove, show them with description. Maybe the wind tickled the sweat on the back of Asha’s back as she dipped her head into the dark shade?

I’m a bit confused at the teleporting part. Are Asha and Yuni riding a cart or something? What do they do with the cart after they stop at the grove. I think you should put in a sentence or two of one of them tying the horse to a tree or something.

Another example of when you should add description is when Asha is teleporting and she reaches within herself for magic, that is if it’s inside. I’m not quite sure. I think you mentioned that she is getting the energy from the trees, so maybe add a few sentences of what the magic feels like when it’s being extracted from the trees. Does it make the air heavy? Does it pain Asha? In my novel, I described the magic as being in the wind. The characters could feel it tickling their fingertips and putting pressure against their chests when they wielded it for a casting. It weighted down the setting but not in a hurtful way. No, only black magic affected my characters badly. This is something that I was to see in your novel, some sort of description that explains what makes your magic different from other magic mentioned in other stories. It’s important to know the extent of your characters powers so there are no plot holes in the final draft.

Though the energy roared in her ears, she could still head the earth shattering crack of the teleportation over it all.

Though the energy roared in her ears, she could still hear the earth shattering and cracking with the weight of teleportation.
I edited this sentence because I don’t know what you meant to say. I didn’t understand it.

She was deaf, mute, but worst of all, she wasn't blind.

I love this line!

In a fit of pure rage, Asha slapped Yuni's hand away from her. "Don't touch me!" she screamed, her words echoing on the barren plain.

Okay so, I would replace ‘screamed’ with ‘barked’ because it seems to fit better to me. Also, I think you should elaborate more on Asha’s guilt so her yelling at Yuni doesn’t seem unnecessary and overdramatic.

So I thought this chapter could be fattened up a bit. I think Asha and Yuni’s fight should have lasted longer. I think Asha should have walked around the ashes and really drag on the emotions, because I totally felt them when she feel to the ground. That was awesome, but it ended too quickly and I would really like to see more description, again fatten it up. But all those corrects can be made when you editing this draft. I’m sure you have plenty of time to fix things up.

marms




inktopus says...


Thanks so much for the review! I just wanted to clear up two things. Asha and Yuni were just walking so there was no cart. The other thing is that I intentionally had Yuni speak like that. She's not a native speaker, but is still fluent in the language so she uses the perfect grammar that many fluent foreign speakers use. I may have to explain this sometime though as it seems to be unclear to many readers.



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Tue Jul 11, 2017 8:43 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Yay!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

When Asha realized that the landscape was beginning to match what she remembered from childhood, she almost felt winded.

Ooh that was subtle! That might sound sarcastic but seriously that was a good way to drop a detail in.

What if the slavers had beaten her there?

I'm assuming that by 'slavers' you mean the people who want to use human familiars, but it's not entirely clear. I wouldn't be surprised if lots of people took advantage of this area.

Asha furiously shook her head to clear the thought from her mind. They wouldn't beat her. "Yuni!" she called. "I'm going to teleport us to my village.

Okay, I am now more sure that's what it is. Also you forgot to close the speech marks at the end there.

she could still headhear(?) the earth


"Sickening?" Asha finished in an amused tone.

Teensy bit tell-y. Maybe describe Asha's facial expression.

She was deaf, mute, but worst of all, she wasn't blind.

Wait, how did she become deaf and mute? I'm assuming this is metaphorical but I can't really be sure.

morphed into a keen of pure pain

a keen?

The sun was an orb, hanging in the sky, painting the clouds an array of pinks and oranges. But the haze of dissipating smoke that hung around it was unmistakable and left an acrid aftertaste to the otherwise beautiful scene.

"otherwise" seems a bit of a stretch. I'd imagine what Asha could see would be sort of half beautiful, half atrocious, rather than only a little bit atrocious :P

Overall:

Character: First thing I want to say is that I'm starting to get a really good sense of Yuni. At first I was thrown off by the way she spoke but I've realised now it's by far consistent enough to be on purpose.

Asha was consistent as always and I could feel her emotions really intensely. All the way from curious hope to crushing devastation in very little time.

Setting: I think I'd like a bit more description of the ruins. It could be really really powerful to hear the details. Maybe some local landmark that she recognises the husk of.

Plot: I think you're okay without a buffer. The points I would describe as "feelsy" are the end of the last chapter and the end of this chapter. In between you have some fun, somewhat humorous interactions and chemistry building between your two main characters, then some interesting magic, then the shock twist. I think you're good on this front.

As for the shock twist, WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL HAPPENED GAHHHH

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




inktopus says...


On the Yuni's speech patterns comment you made, she's not a native speaker (neither is Asha, actually) and she's a noble, so she hasn't really heard the language being spoken casually all that often, so it's a mix of noble speech patterns and the impeccable grammar of a fluent, non native speaker of a language. Although Asha's first language wasn't what the Mallanders use, she's been speaking it for a long time, and is probably more articulate in that language now.



ExOmelas says...


Yeah that would definitely make sense for how she talks




"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984