Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Asha’s senses awoke individually. The first thing she could feel was a sharp pain in her back; she was laying on uneven ground. Her nose took in crisp, cold air that burned her lungs, but she couldn’t get enough of it. Her mouth was dry, her tongue thick and cumbersome in her mouth. Everything was eerily silent, but if she listened hard enough, she could make out what sounded like birds. Her sight came last, perhaps not because she couldn’t open her eyes, but that she was afraid to see where she had brought herself and Yuni. Her eyelids stuck together as she attempted to open them. Groaning, she rubbed the crust from them and blinked, seeing for the first time. The light was, at first, overwhelming, but her vision soon adjusted and she took in a view like none she had ever seen before.
Although Asha was more well traveled than most others in her village, she had never seen mountains: those walls of stone rising up up up to a point in the sky. Asha wondered if she were to climb to the peak, would she be able to touch the moon? A stiff, chilly wind swept down the mountain, bringing goosebumps to the surface of her skin. Shivering, she rubbed the back of her neck, hoping to warm her hands.
A feather light touch tickled her knuckles. Startled, Asha whirled around to lock eyes with Yuni. Her haggard face with bruises underneath her eyes had never looked so wonderful. A breath she didn’t know she had been holding emptied from her lungs in a sigh.
“We’re safe.” Yuni clasped Asha’s hand, stringy dark hair falling around her face like vines as she bent down. Asha’s cold fingers warmed quickly in Yuni’s grip, and she found herself squeezing back.
“We’re safe,” echoed Asha, pulling Yuni by the hand into a tight embrace. Nose firmly buried in the fabric over her shoulder, Asha pulled in a deep breath. Somehow, she could smell the traces of all the places they had been. Although it smelled like dirt and sweat, Asha never wanted Yuni to wash her cloak ever again because it was drenched in her scent and the scents of their shared memories.
All was still for a moment, the silence filled only by the distant sounds of the forest. Yuni was the first to let go, and Asha followed her lead not a second later, though a bit reluctant to release her grip on the back of Yuni’s cloak. “Since we’re on the border, there should be a garrison nearby,” Yuni said. Asha hand felt cold and she itched to take Yuni’s again. “If I remember correctly, they’re usually stationed in the mountains.” Asha said nothing. To tell the truth, she had barely processed what Yuni had just said. “Asha?” Yuni’s brows furrowed.
“Hm?” Asha asked, still not quite hearing.
“Asha,” Yun said more firmly. “We must get help from one of the garrisons on the border. Is there any way for you to locate one?”
“Find one?” Asha puzzled. “What, like scrying?”
Yuni nodded.
“I don’t think-” Asha chewed on her lip as she searched for the words. “Mages can’t-” She sighed. “Scrying isn’t possible. That is to say, it has never been done. I can’t just,” she gestured with her hands, “use energy to see somewhere else. It doesn’t work like that. Theoretical mages say that it can’t be done, and I am inclined to agree. Regardless, we don’t have time to waste. There has to be some other way.”
“Teleportation?” Yuni suggested.
Asha shook her head. “No, that takes too much time and energy.”
Scratching some dirt off her face, Asha began to pace back and forth, finally settling on a large rock halfway buried in the ground. She rubbed the stone with a thumb, the surface smoothed by a centuries gone river. Yuni sat on the other side, leaning her back against Asha’s.
All Asha could hear was the soft cadence of Yuni’s breath: the backdrop to her thoughts. The clouds shapeshifted and the sun drifted lower, its light softening into orange as Asha’s brain turned the problem around and around.
“I think I may have a solution!” Yuni exclaimed.
It took a moment for Asha to process what she had just heard. She shot up from her perch. “What is it?”
“Before I was,” Yuni’s voice quieted, “engaged, I wanted to join the military, like my brother, but as a healer. I visited some of the garrisons several times. Once, on one of those visits, we were touring the forest around the base. We got lost, and one of the officers used a flare to signal that we were lost. They found us using the flare.”
It was so simple. Stupidly simple. How had Asha not come up with that? Asha chuckled.
“What is wrong with this plan?” Yuni asked.
Asha laughed harder. “Nothing. I just feel really dumb.”
Yuni cracked a smile, but put a hand on Asha’s shoulder. “You are not dumb. You are the most intelligent person I have ever met.”
Asha lowered her head to hide a smile. “If you say so.”
“I do,” Yuni answered earnestly.
It was all Asha could do to not start laughing again. “Okay then.” Rubbing her forehead with her forefinger and thumb, her eyes blinked closed. For the first time in a long time, there was an abundance of energy, and not just dried up prairie grasses. With her mind, she began to pull energy from a young evergreen. With that energy, she shot bursts of colored sparks in the air. Her ears picked up the sound of an awed gasp from Yuni. Allowing herself to open her eyes, she looked up. Scarlet sparks sprayed above their heads; above the trees. A beacon in the twilight sky.
“Now we wait.” Asha sat back down. Yuni sat beside her, leaning into her side, and Asha felt her heartbeat being to rush. She drew in a slow breath, and tried to settle herself comfortably next to Yuni.
A loud crack echoed through the forest. Startled birds took flight from their perches, squawking and beating their wings. When Asha’s eyes refocused, she saw a figure in rather bulky armor. The figure reached up and pulled its helmet off to reveal its face. A man. As he drew closer, Yuni stood up, nudging Asha to do the same. He called something in an unfamiliar tongue, and Yuni answered, jogging forward. Nervous, Asha declined to do the same.
She worried the fabric of her skirt between finger and thumb, attempting to look anywhere but where Yuni and the man were standing. “Asha!” Yuni called, beckoning with an arm. Abruptly, Asha dropped her skirt and took heavy, mechanical steps toward the duo. “This is Mage Kazuko,” Yuni introduced.
Asha tested the name on her tongue. “Kazuko.”
“He can take us back to his garrison.” Yuni tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. Yuni turned to Kazuko. What the two were talking about, Asha had no idea. “He is ready,” Yuni said, taking his hand. Asha took Yuni’s and shut her eyes tight. A familiar crack sounded and the earth rushed beneath Asha’s feet.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Storm! Here to review your chapter for you today (finally, sorry for taking so long)! I haven't read the previous chapters so if I assume anything that is incorrect, please let me know.
Right after Asha sets off the flare, they wait for a bit. But then in the next paragraph after, a man has found them. I'm guessing he teleported (but I thought mages could not do that? Or maybe he's some sort of master). You said earlier on in the chapter, that it took lots of time and energy to teleport, and I'm wondering why they couldn't afford that time and energy? Are Asha's powers weak? Would she pass out? This is making me very immersed in Kazuko and we haven't learned much about him so the future will be important!
I know you want to emphasize Yuni's change in volume of voice, but I just can't help but point out that the pause in this sentence seems off. It breaks through the middle of a sentence flow, and really feels awkward at this point. I'd suggest saying her voice is quiet before she speaks, or rephrasing it so that the flow is better, like so: "Before I was engaged," Yuni's voice quieted, This is especially better since the comma is naturally after 'engaged' anyway. I understand if you want the majority of Yuni's dialogue to be quiet, though.
I think the thing with this line is that it felt... unbelievable, just because you had barely two paragraphs of waiting and an overused line to solving a question. I'd give you a solution, but I don't know if I have one. My best advice is to describe the scenery more, add indications that it had taken them some thinking time to solve the question, like the sun's position, shadows, etc. You already have a little bit of it but more might enhance the flow.
I'm feeling an odd sense of time throughout this whole chapter. At the beginning, Asha is just waking up. It isn't clear as to what time this is, but I assume it's morning just because that's when people wake up (unless something happened last chapter). Then, the sun drifts lower as they think of an idea to find a garrison, and soon, when the flares are let out, it is twilight. The time change in this is so sudden and feels like it's all over the place. It might clear things up if the point of time was mentioned at the beginning of the chapter.
I have picked up some interesting reactions in Yuni's and Asha's relationship. I haven't been keeping up with this novel, but it's fascinating to see their current state of development. I'm getting lots of interactions between the two -- though no real head-on thoughts or opinions that might allow me to get to know the characters individually better. That being said, the interactions are mostly limited to sight or touch, in which case an increase in dialogue could help additionally.
I loved the length of this! It was perfect, and the amount of description was generally the amount I enjoy in a chapter. The only part I noticed could use improving on description wise is Kazuko. Perhaps when he 'cracks' into the scene at the end you could describe him and dive into the moment more. Besides that, I thought the ending was great. The dialogue between Yuni and Kazuko is fabulous. I like how Asha is almost jealous of not being able to understand the language that they speak, and this could really reflect and effect future chapters. It's a good obstacle in communication and relationships between the three.
But, there may be some points where this foreign language might become an obstacle for you. If Kazuko cannot speak any of Asha's language, it might be troublesome to have to constantly translate through Yuni. And because we didn't understand what their conversation was, it kind of feels awkward for me as a reader to trust this man who popped out of no where. That might be what you were going for though, haha.
Overall, these characters entertained me. They were likable yet also mysterious in their own ways. It was fun to read; hopefully my review helped and if you have any questions please do ask. Sorry if this review wasn't packed with the best criticism -- I was more nitpicky/specific than usual since it was hard to find much to critique! (Also, this review was delayed, I apologize)
Thanks so much for the review! You were off in some of the details but given how I began the chapter, it's totally understandable (send me a dm on discord if you want the full explanation) The timing/pacing comments were so helpful! As soon as I read them, I agreeded wholeheartedly. Thanks again for the review, and don't feel bad about taking your time!
Thank you for your response! I can dm you later (would love to hear the full explanation) but I%u2019m glad my time/pacing feedback was helpful!
Alright, first up in my Cake Day review extravaganza!
Nit-picks:
This is a bit clunky but I think even just a comma before "because" might work.
So uh, this is how out of practice I am with reviews, but the only way I can think of to describe "what she had just heard" as... off? I think "to process this" would just fit better.
This should be a comma rather than a semi-colon (the latter clause should be able to exist as its own sentence).
Overall:
I really like the way that Asha feels uncertain around Kazuko. The fact that they are speaking in a language that Asha doesn't understand really helps with this. And like, you haven't explicitly said this, which is really good, because presumably this is something that Asha wouldn't want to admit to herself because she would think herself petty. So really good job there!
I'm also really enjoying Asha's thoughts. It's obvious by now, but she's still not saying anything explicit. It's really interesting to see it this way because the reader can anticipate what's coming, which makes the emotional stakes much more engaging than just being told.
This is actually a really smooth chapter, without too much to critique. The only thing is that it was a little confusing why they couldn't just look around til they found a garrison. They've been wandering around quite a lot and there just seems to be this sense of urgency to find a quicker way than what they've been doing up to this point that I don't understand. They've always been on a clock, but they've just been walking along, cos that's all they can do. Still, this isn't that big a problem, and this honestly was a really good chapter. Well done
Hope this helps,
Biscuits