Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Three quick raps at the door rouse Asha from her drowse in the rickety chair. She opened the door to see a young man. His eyes widened when he saw her, but she was impressed to see him swallow down his surprise. "Letter for you," he said, pulling a limp envelope from his carrier bag. "It's a bit damp because I dropped it in a puddle. Sorry about that."
Asha dipped her head and took the letter. She shut the door and tore it open, it was a bit strange to not hear the familiar ripping of paper that usually accompanied opening a letter. The ink of the document was a bit smeared, but she could make out the loopy cursive just fine.
It was an invite to a dinner. A dinner that so happened to be hosted by the High Mage himself. "What could he possibly want?" Asha whispered to herself. He had, after all, just turned her down for a job.
She scanned the invitation for a date and time. At the bottom, the information was written: March the 12th, 8:00.
"The twelfth," she muttered. She counted the days on her fingers. "That's tonight!" she exclaimed. Simultaneously not knowing what to do, and trying to get everything ready, she scrambled around the tiny apartment. She dived into the chest of drawers containing her best clothes. She mumbled nonsense to herself as she rifled through the drawers. Black, of course, always black. Mages never wore anything but. But what robes? What dress to do underneath? Eventually, she had decided.
Clothes were strewn everywhere on the splintering, wooden floor. Hurriedly, she gathered them up and threw them back into their drawers. No time for organization. She checked her pocket watch. It was 7:00. She had an hour to get ready. An hour wasn't so bad. Plenty of time to psych herself up and get herself looking presentable.
She heaved a sigh and began to change.
In her new clothes, Asha stared down the door, desperately attempting to calm her thumping heart. Every time she blinked, she was greeted by the horrible image of her heart exploded from her chest. Her stomach churned, and she clenched her hands to keep them from shaking.
She checked her pocket watch once again. 8:47. It was time to go.
Outside, everything was cast in a grayish light and blurred from the misty drizzle that dripped from the overcast sky. The streets were no longer rivers, and people were out and about again. Donning her hood, Asha stepped outside, shutting the door behind her. She locked the door and slipped the key into her pocket, right alongside the invitation to the dinner. She pursed her lips and stepped out onto the pavement.
While the journey to the palace was far more pleasant than the one she had taken three days ago, there hadn’t been a pit of doubt and fear the first time. She would have walked through the rain and sleet a thousand times before walking to the palace, riddled with uncertainty.
Once again, she found herself looking up at those swirling iron gates, her heart thudding in her throat. The previous guard was looking at her with something unrecognizable in his eyes. Asha stared at him for a minute before flashing the invitation at him. He swung the gate open for her. The guard who had been at the door the other day was not there. She was let in without any exchange of words.
This time, there was a man in a suit standing at the door. "Mage Asha, I believe," the man said. "I will lead you to the dining hall." Asha nodded and followed the man down the hallway, the sound of their soles on the tile, just slightly out of sync, unnerved Asha. She hurried her pace in an attempt to match his stride. Before she could get the sounds to match up, they arrived at the dining hall.
The table was absurdly long and had a tablecloth covering it all. There were only a few people at the opposite end of the table. Clearly, this dinner party was not a public affair. The man strode ahead of her and pulled out a chair. Quietly, she thanked him and sat down. In front of her was a place setting. Looking around, she realized, with surprise, that she was seated beside one of the Council members. In fact, she was seated between two Council members. She quickly counted the six Council members. In school, she had been made to memorize the names and faces of every Council member to ever be appointed in the last forty years, and none of the members had changed since she had memorized them. Seated at the head was the High Mage.
Suddenly Asha felt inadequate. There was the High Mage in his snowy robes and golden trim. Every member of the council, their robes just as white, and their trim crimson as blood. But here Asha was, fresh out of Mage training in plain black robes, with no trim at all. Why would they possibly want her at this dinner?
In her worry over the presence of every member of the Council of Magic, she had completely overlooked the other guests at the dinner. The king himself seated directly to the right of the High Mage, the queen, the crown prince, and a vaguely familiar young woman. They locked eyes from across the table. It was the woman who had bumped into her in the hall. Asha's face burned. This woman was clearly important, whoever she was. Why had she let Asha get away with bumping into her? For calling her Moonface? The woman gave her a gentle smile and waved delicately from across the table. Asha, too mortified to do anything else, waved back.
The scraping of a chair pulled Asha's attention to the head of the table. The High Mage was standing up, just barely taller than the Council member sitting to his left. "I see that we're all here, so I suppose we can begin. Bring out the food!" he called.
Servants streamed into the hall, laden with heavy trays of meats and other delicacies. After the clatter of the dishes being set on the table, the High Mage said, "We'll save the important talk until after we've eaten. I, for one, am so hungry I can scarcely think." Everyone else murmured their assent and heads bobbed.
Though everyone else, attacked their plates with gusto, Asha could hardly eat. She didn't even know what this 'important talk' was about. She forced down a small portion of every offering on the table, acutely feeling the gaze of the woman from across the table.
She ate slowly, waiting for everyone else to finish was what on their plates before she finished her own. She did not want to have to wait for the 'important talk' with nothing to do during that agonizing time.
The High Mage's cheeks were ruddy from the wine that Asha had declined, and his thin lips held a faint smile. "Is everyone ready for the important talk?" he hiccuped.
The other members of the table nodded, their smiles easier after the free flowing wine. Asha wished that she could be as at-ease as the others. As covertly as possible, she glanced at the woman across the table. Her cheeks remained porcelain, and her eyes were clear. Her wine glass was full; untouched.
"We're here to talk about familiars," the High Mage said.
The Council member just to the left of the High Mage swatted him with an unused, linen napkin. "Roald, speak plainly," she chastised, slurring her speech, although her eyes were sharp and clear.
The High Mage rumbled out a laugh. "As you command Gilda. We're here to talk about the possibility of human familiars. I'll let Albert do the talking because it is his theory and research, after all."
A tall man stood up and clasped large, spider-like hands together. "We all know how magic works. You must use energy to do magic, either your own or from another living being. Most mages take familiars to sap energy off of because plants are weak and do not have much energy to use. If we can use our own energy, why can't we use the energy of another human? It is proven that humans have the largest energy reserves of any known living creature, so it would be a great thing for the development of magic if there were to be vaster stores of energy to use when casting a spell."
Asha rolled the idea around in her head. Human familiars? Sucking the life force from a human being? Of course, it was possible, but why would anyone do such a thing? It would be murder!
Albert sat down and the High Mage spoke again. "Our plan is to have human familiars. They would be almost as readily available as animal familiars, though, for obvious reasons, much more expensive than most.
"Where would we get these human familiars?" one of the Council members asked.
"That's where Asha Balewa comes in. She is from the Southern Colonies. The people there will trust her. She can convince them to travel here for jobs and magic training, and we won't even have to force them to come. They'll just come willingly. Then, we can capture them when they finally get here and sell and then use them as familiars."
A/N: What do you think about the style/tone of this? If you had to describe the style/tone, how would you? Does it fit well? If not, what changes should I make?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey inktopus!
Shady here with another review for you this fine review day... looking forward to seeing the next part of your story! Let's get started...
I think having "rouse" and "drowse" in the same sentence reads a bit odd, but I'm not completely sure why. Maybe because they rhyme? Or maybe because they just seem like such similar words in general? I would suggest an edit, probably for the "drowse" because you have a lot of options there. Napped, slept, drifted off, etc.
I'm not loving the but-but succession here. What about changing the first "but" to "else" instead? "Mages never wore anything else." That way you don't have two but's in a row.
Doesn't the dinner start at 8? Do you mean 7:47 instead?
Wait, three days? What? With the way this scene opens I assumed Asha went back to her apartment to sulk, fell asleep in a chair, and got woken up by the mailman. So this entire time I've been assuming the invitation came on the same day as her rejection. Learning that it was 3 days later is shocking, but not in a good way. Plus, why would the invitation come the day of if the Head Mage had 3 days to think about it and give her some warning?
Just some things to think about. But even if you leave it as being 3 days later, I suggest making that clear at the beginning of the chapter. Maybe the sentence you have about him having just turned her down for a job would be a good place to slip it in, like "it hadn't even been a full three days since he'd turned her down for the job -- and now he was inviting her to dinner?" or something similar so that we know it's a time lapse and not the same day as her rejection. It would also make more sense when you say the rivers in the street cleared -- I was a bit skeptical of that as well since rivers in the street tend to last a while past the last rain. Three days would do that, but again that bit wasn't clear when you were describing outside.
I'm not loving this sentence. WHAT is in his eyes? Saying something unrecognizable is okay, but I'd suggest going on to explain a bit more -- have her take some guesses. Is it confusion? Judgment? Racism? Disdain? Right now with how it's phrased it's a bit frustrating because I don't know how he's looking at her, and that makes it difficult to envision the scene properly.
I really like this sentence. Not quite sure why -- maybe it's the imagery? Either way, I thought I'd point out that this is particularly well done.
So you have an absurdly long table -- but there's only a few people and it's not a public affair? If it's supposed to be a small dinner party, why not have a table to fit the occasion?
Isn't her attention already at the head table? When she's looking at the mystery woman?
Why is the High Mage making this order? Shouldn't that be the king's place? If your universe has the High Mage being higher ranking than the king I think that's something else you should mention. In most countries the king is supreme, so he'd be the one hosting the party and he'd be the one to bring the attention to order and call out the food.
That first comma is misplaced. When you have two commas like that, the bit in between reads as an aside -- something that could be omitted and the sentence as a whole would still make sense. If you omit that part, the sentence wouldn't make sense, so the two-comma deal is incorrect. Just leave it with the "though everyone else attacked..." and you're gold.
~ ~ ~
O.o That last sentence. Oh my gosh. That's so terrible, but so fantastic in a literary sense. Like he's an absolutely terrible character and I hate him so much, especially for Asha's sake, but that is a brilliant plot point and beautifully executed.
I liked this chapter. The first little bit was a bit slow and almost boring, but the part with the dinner is fantastic. Well done! Excited to read the next chapter!
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hi, I'm Thundahguy, here for the second chapter. Yes, I always do this little intro bit. Let’s just get into this, shall we?
There seems to be a bit of a disconnect between this chapter and the previous. Not just in terms of plotline, but also in Asha herself. It's just somewhat strange how the more passionate Asha from the last chapter turns a bit more timid in general. You've already shown in the last chapter that she was particularly angry, so I don't see why that just gets wiped away like two hours later.
There's also the problem with how the plot goes along. Instead of informing her about the dinner when they met, Asha receives a letter about the dinner the same day she applied(it may not be the same day, in which case it'd be nice if you specified), and then she heads back. It seems just a bit contrived. It'd be a bit easier just to say that Asha learns about the party when she first meets the High Mage, and then she goes back home to change. This still allows the scene at her room, which describes her current position, while also not being as awkwardly paced as the current version.
With that said, the second half of the chapter works well. Moonface seems significant since you put her in both chapters, and the slave trafficking plan definitely could lead itself towards the plot. The brief introduction to magic, while short and sudden, helps develop your system at the very least.
One last complaint I do have to make is how forced the dialogue seems to be. The High Mage initially speaks informally, but then he switches to a more robotic tone when explaining things. One or the other would be fine, especially with how the other council members also seem robotic. Either the High Mage acts differently, or acts similar, cementing their specific relationship.
Besides the confusion with how the plot works, it's a well off chapter. It may need a bit of work later on, though.
Side note: The style works well. It also doesn't have as many weird sentences as the previous chapter.
That's a really good cliffhanger, I really like the premise of this! The tone is great, I'd only say that using terms like 7:00 feels a little anachronistic, (in a lot of older literature, for example, 'Seven o'clock' is more likely to be used). Also, in one paragraph the words 'Council Member' gets used over and over and it doesn't flow so well, maybe swap it with 'people' a couple of times if the context makes it clear who you're referring to? Other than that, the plot was brilliantly established and the characterisation is strong as ever.
Oh wow. This one was...okay. Okay is the nicest word I can find at the moment because the end was rather sudden, almost too sudden, and the in between blurb was creepy. I do like the mention of murder, as most people know I do, so I see this story picking up even more soon. You're not getting a fancy dancy intro tonight, not yet, not until your story earns it. Right now it's at a sort of tipping point between two ways it could go and the fate rests on chapter #3 .
To answer you author note, I would describe this as the traditional set up to an action/adventure novel. There's a hero, there's a problem and there's a bad guy. The tone switches from confused about the future to serious about stopping something. There's quit a bit of dancing with words going on right now so I'm sorry if I can't nail anything down. You could say that it's all still up in the clouds.
This sort of mysterious/confused state is actually fitting really well with what I've seen so far. It makes sense to have a sort of veil over everything when the proposed 'solution' is pretty dark. The manipulation, the racism and the just bad deed, now has the perfect atmosphere to brew in. I like it.
It's sort of weird how the High Mage calls her back. Like why didn't he just tell her this when she was there a few hours ago? My only guess to your motivations for writing these motivations, were to toy with Asha's emotions and vulnerability. The story is picking up here and it's starting to form into something that you can recognize as a more solid plot. Of course I know that you have a lot more bricks to add to the pile but this chapter has cemented my interest in the novel.
i really don't know where all the word play is coming from tonight so try your best to avoid it.And the secondary character is brought up again, creating tension and more of an introduction. I have only a slight clue where this will be going from here so we'll just have to wait and see if my guesses are correct.
See you again soon.
Hello again, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for a review for Team Autumn on this lovely Review Day. Let's get right into it!
The first thing I noticed was the length of this chapter. It was quite longer than the previous one, and I will admit - I lost interest. There is a lack of atmosphere in this chapter. Your descriptions are lacking a bit once again - I feel this chapter could've been your opportunity to describe the palace in more detail. I would also like to know what the dinner was. All I know is that the council embers were drinking wine.
As I sort of guessed, it seems "Moonface" has seemed to gain a tiny bit more importance in this chapter. Not really much I have to say about this - just an observation.
Another observation I'm getting is that the the main goal is being introduced near the end. Asha is being sent to the Southern Colonies to use humans as familiars. I'm also getting s feeling that the High Mage might try to sabotage the trip in some way. Fun fact: I'm too dependent on Guess the Antagonist, lol.
Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.
Pastel
Next review!
Annotated document (Finished but I'm adding more to it over the next while)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qJG ... AUJeM/edit
I said a lot in the annotations so I'll keep this review part brief. I've noticed a major flaw which it atmosphere, your story in many scenes lacks atmosphere which gives it a sort of feeling like watching a movie without a soundtrack, where it just feels off sometimes. Your description is reserved it seems for purely practical plot devices, rather than building atmosphere which is arguably just as important, I go more in depth with that in the notes.
Sorry this text part is so short, I hope my more comprehensive notes account for that.
Hey, Stormcloud. It's your girl Caitlin, coming in with a review. I can't wait to read your story, SO EXCITED!!! Anyway, I'm just going to write comments on it as I read, so here we go!
I noticed a small grammar mistake in the 5th paragraph. "dived" should have been "dove".
"Clothes were strewn everywhere on the splintering, wooden floor. Hurriedly, she gathered them up and threw them back into their drawers. No time for organization." This is literally me every morning.
"She checked her pocket watch once again. 8:47." Didn't the dinner start at 8? I'm just assuming it was a total mistake.
"Sucking the life force from a human being? Of course, it was possible, but why would anyone do such a thing? It would be murder!" Excuse me but this human does not like that idea. There are so many books I haven't written!
Over all, I think this is a really good chapter and I would have read it sooner but exams were creeping up and homework was piling up. So glad I finally found enough time to read it.
Keep up the good work!
Hey Storm - I have wifi!
Nit-picks first:
Tense switch here
For some reason I expected him to say "cos" or "cuz" or just "cause" here. Messenger boy seemed like he'd use abbreviations. *shrug*
There wasn't? I definitely got the feeling of dread the first time round. She was hoping for a job but unsure what was going to happen. This feels a bit off as a result.
Heh, I enjoyed this detail
Don't think you need this comma
Thought you might like to know I gasped out loud here.
Overall:
Character: Not much development of Asha here but very consistent, so that's good. The small relationships between the other characters was also shown well and the interesting, quiet woman is also intriguing me.
Setting: Very good especially on the way to the palace. Slightly less clear in the actual room, but by then I was absorbed in the plot so it didn't matter as much. Interestingly, the added feeling from your setting makes me see what you mean better about my story, so I will try to step up on that
Plot: Oooooh, this is an interesting and horrifying development. My main question right now is why they think Asha would agree to this, which I think it might be worth answering here rather than later. You must have an answer for this, but right now I think there must be a way out, which takes away from the feeling of foreboding. If you made it seem like this was a thing that was looking very likely to happen it would be much more unnerving and raise the tension more because I'd be like, how the hell is she going to escape this?
Flow: I'll work your A/N into this. I think the style is very good for this. It's quite sassy at times, which helps make Asha a strong, relatable character. Your pacing is also great. I also like the sense of foreboding which has pretty much been there so far, because this is a very creepy idea - human familiars - that I think the feeling of dread suits really well.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hey Raven here!
I'm going to review this as I go along.
- I think you should separate the first dialogue and put it in onto a new line. It's more neater that way and doesn't look clog up in a paragraph. Plus makes it more clearer who's talking.
- 'it was a bit strange to not hear the familiar ripping of paper that usually accompanied opening a letter' Why didn't she hear the familiar ripping of paper when she opened the letter?
- I don't think that you should have used the word 'cursive', handwriting or lettering is fine. Ambitious vocabulary is fine but sometimes there's no need to over do it, simple word are better because most people understand them. I had to go to the dictionary just to found out what cursive meant. xD
- "The twelfth," she muttered. She counted the days on her fingers. "That's tonight!" she exclaimed.' After this I suggest starting a new paragraph.
- 'Simultaneously not knowing what to do, and trying to get everything ready, she scrambled around the tiny apartment. She dived into the chest of drawers containing her best clothes. She mumbled nonsense to herself as she rifled through the drawers. Black, of course, always black. Mages never wore anything but. But what robes? What dress to do underneath? Eventually, she had decided.'
There's a lot of 'she' in this paragraph, used three times consecutively in the first three lines. Maybe change it to something like:
'Simultaneously not knowing what to do, and trying to get everything ready, she scrambled around the tiny apartment. Diving into the chest filled with clothes, she fished out her best outift.
-'Every time she blinked, she was greeted by the horrible image of her heart exploded from her chest.' Great description here! I don't know why the image makes me laugh...I'm sorry I'm a weird person
- 'The streets were no longer rivers' This confuses me. What are they then? What image are you trying to create by implying that they're not rivers.
-'...there hadn’t been a pit of doubt and fear the first time' I suggest changing it to '...there hadn’t been a pit of doubt or fear the first time'
-'...the sound of their soles on the tile, just slightly out of sync, unnerved Asha. ' I like this description, implies that something bad is going to occur.
- 'In front of her was a place setting.' What does this mean?
- '...one of the Council members. In fact, she was seated between two Council members. She quickly counted the six Council members.' This didn't flow well, the consecutive use of 'Council members' put me off.
- '.. their trim crimson as blood' This intrigues me, puts of the impression that these Council members aren't as good as they appear.
-'black robes' I wonder if she has a darkness within her...would be interesting.
-I suggest putting more of a description of the High Mage, King, Queen, Crown Prince and the woman. I couldn't really get an image of what they looked like.
- I don't think 'important talk' is a good choice of words. It doesn't sound right especially with the urgency the setting has. I suggest writing: 'matter of urgency'. Also when the high mage addresses the 'important talk, I suggest him saying: "Now, for why I summoned you hear."
I'm sorry if this review sounds harsh and there's not a lot of good points in my review. But it's best to be honest than lie and not give you the right information to improve. Then again you're the writer, it's your choice if you want to take my advise.
Keep Writing