z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


16+

The Moon Needs Her Night 21.1

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

His footsteps pounded the floor, and Asha knew at once that Yuni was important to him. Perhaps a lover or a fiancé? Asha found a feeling she did not like in the pit of her stomach. Gritting her teeth, Asha walked faster in an attempt to catch up with the man she was following.

She had finally caught up with him as he was pushing through a large, heavy set of doors quite different from what she had seen thus far. She opened her mouth to speak as she entered the room, but when she noticed her surroundings, a few strangled words unrecognizable to even herself came out. The room was the most lavishly decorated that Asha had seen in Yamuko. It was still minimalist and simple, but details of opulence showed themselves in the small details and nooks and crannies of the room.

Two wooden chairs piled with delicately woven and brightly colored pillows sat on either side of the room. Both were elegantly carved with scenes of animals and nature that Asha could barely make out. The chairs were low, like most of the furniture that she had seen in the country, and so was the table. Though unadorned, it gleamed a bright coppery brown and Asha could tell that it was of the finest wood that could be procured.

More apparent than the richness of the room, however, were the people standing and conversing in it. Yuni and Kazuko stood ramrod straight, chins at perfect ninety degree angles, facing an elegant couple draped in beautiful fabrics and jewelry. All four faces turned to look at Asha, and she could make out the fine lines of age on the elegant couples’ faces. Also evident in their visages was a remarkable resemblance to Yuni in both of them. The woman wore precisely the same expression of puzzlement that Yuni so often donned. The man with his high cheekbones and thin mouth seemed to be carved from the same stone as Yuni. The gears in Asha’s mind creaked and turned, and their faces seemed to snap into place, replacing a hazy gray image of Yuni’s parents.

At once, Asha threw herself into a deep bow and began to stammer nonsense falling between apologies and profuse compliments. She felt a hand touch her back and Yuni’s familiar voice insisted she stand. She unfolded herself from the bow and bit her lip through the ensuing moment of silence.

Chatter broke out in that familiar but incomprehensible language, and Asha strained to understand the conversation by reading the expressions on the speakers’ faces.

“You are being impolite to Asha,” Yuni said. Finally, Asha could understand.

Asha’s parents looked chastened, a strange expression on such regal faces. She had to hide a snort.

The king fixed piercing dark eyes on Asha, and she shrunk three inches. “Yuni will show you where you may stay,” his Malland was practiced, but an accent coated his words like dust from disuse.

Unsure of a proper reply, Asha dipped her head and looked to Yuni for guidance. Yuni didn’t meet her eyes, but she left the room, Asha hurrying after. Their footsteps echoed in the wooden hallways, somehow smaller but no less grand than the palace in Merdon. Asha willed herself to speak, but no words would come. She had no idea of what she could say.

Finally, Yuni’s voice broke the silence. She slid open a door, revealing a room bright with the waning daylight. Floor to ceiling windows of something that didn’t seem quite like glass allowed the light to stream in, diffusing it. “The futon-- that is the bed-- is rolled up in the corner. You may put your things in the chest.”

Yuni stepped into the room, letting out a sigh before continuing to the windows. What Asha had thought to be windows slid open to reveal a courtyard of sorts. She followed her outside, taking deep breaths of fragrant, floral air.

Yuni’s newly tanned arm stretched out into a point. “There are bedrooms all along this courtyard. Mine is directly across from this room.”

Eyes scanning the courtyard, Asha asked, “How do I know which one is yours? They all look the same.”

Although Asha could only see the back of Yuni’s head she could imagine the slight smile curving her lips. Yuni hopped down from the wooden porch, beckoning her to follow. Taking a slender finger, she drew a symbol into the dust on the ground. “This is my name. It is carved on the door to my room. That is how you will know.”

Asha stared at the symbol, burning it into her mind. Abruptly, Yuni stood up. “What?” Asha asked.

“My mother said that my sister would be waiting for me in the bath. You should accompany me.”

Asha’s eyes widened. “The bath?”

Yuni’s eyes crinkled, and she let out a short laugh. “I will show you.”

Thoughts swirled around Asha’s head as she allowed Yuni to lead her to the so-called bath. Did she mean that they would be bathing together? A blush scorched her cheeks, and Asha couldn’t help but be glad that Yuni wasn’t looking at her. 


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
760 Reviews

Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

Donate
Mon Jun 11, 2018 11:11 pm
View Likes
ExOmelas wrote a review...



*Furiously reviews*

Nit-picks and nice moments:

She had finally caught up with him as he was pushing through a large, heavy set of doors quite different from what she had seen thus far.

Clunkiness: repetition of caught up/catch up.

Though unadorned, it gleamed a bright coppery brown and Asha could tell that it was of the finest wood that could be procured.

This sentence itself isn't the nit-pick, but I wanted to point out that this was the first sentence that broke out of a kind of plodding sentence structure.

Yuni and Kazuko stood ramrod straight, chins at perfect ninety degree angles

This was particularly good description, unfortunately I'm not sure on the specifics of why I like it though.

Although Asha could only see the back of Yuni’s head she could imagine the slight smile curving her lips.

I have so missed details like this <3

Overall:

The sentence structure was quite a big issue early on, but it picked up consistently a little bit after the sentence I mentioned. The sentences themselves were fine, but put together in that order they were a bit repetitive. This is probably just like what you picked up on the most recent thing you reviewed of mine.

One thing I was wondering about, how is Asha taking this long to realise what she feels for Yuni? Would a same sex relationship be frowned on in this society? Because I could imagine not realising consciously that Yuni could be a person she is attracted to would cause it to take more time, but I'm wary about assuming that because this is a fantasy world and it could well be an acceptable thing here. I haven't really been told either way though, so I'm a little confused. You can see what I mean by it being odd for her not realising her crush at this point, right? (I apologise wholeheartedly for the grammar of that sentence but I am in a real bad rush :P)

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




inktopus says...


It's more frowned upon in Malland than anywhere else. In Asha's culture, it's just a thing, and in Yuni's there's probably some cultural significance that I should probably go into later. Asha not realizing I think has more to do with the fact that she's not really had romantic feelings for someone before (most of her peers weren't very nice to her), and she tends to hyperfocus, so romance isn't even crossing her mind... yet! That being said, your points make a lot of sense, and I definitely need to rework this a bit so it's more logical.



ExOmelas says...


Ahhhh, I see. That explanation does make a lot of sense, and sense for Asha's character too. I think if you can get that across that would fit perfectly ^.^



User avatar


Points: 311
Reviews: 2

Donate
Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:26 pm
FashionGirl wrote a review...



The story was great. I really loved it. Your descriptions are vivid and beautiful and at the same time brief. I also liked your tense co ordination. No more changes needed. The story is just perfect. Really liked it. Keep up the good work. Writers like you are really needed in our community. i am new here and yours is the best story I had reviewed so far. Keep writing!!!





There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare