Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
As Yuni had predicted, they came across a town before the sun was at its highest in the sky. The streets paved with uneven cobblestone thudded beneath Asha’s boots. Sharp brown eyes roved the stores lining the main road, looking for a clothing shop. "I hope you have nothing against trousers," Asha said a bit more gruffly than intended.
Yuni shook her head, wide-eyed. Spotting an acceptable looking store, Asha took Yuni by the arm, pulling her into the shop. A little bell tinkled when they entered. Immediately, Asha marched to the desk. "Have you any trousers to fit her?" Asha asked, gesturing to Yuni who was looking around the shop wearing an expression of wonderment.
The clerk nodded slowly, glancing between the two of them with furrowed eyebrows and disappeared into the back room, and Asha elbowed Yuni in the ribs. "What's your problem?" Asha hissed. "Haven't you been in a shop before?"
"No," Yuni replied absently, gazing at the outfits that clothed mannequins that were out on the floor.
"No?" Asha replied incredulously. "What do you mean, 'no?'"
"I mean that I've never been into a clothing shop before," Yuni replied, still admiring the store. "Tailors always visited me at home and at the castle."
What she should have assumed the entire time dawned on Asha, "You're a noble, aren't you?"
"Yes," replied Yuni quietly. Asha wanted to ask more questions, but the look on the other woman's face stopped her from doing so.
Anything that either of them were going to say was interrupted by the clerk's emergence from the back room, still eyeing them suspiciously. Draped over an arm were several pairs of brown trousers. "One of these should fit, though they're all made for men, so a belt may be necessary," he said curtly.
Asha nodded and took the clothing, holding each pair up against Yuni's legs. She then handed all of the pairs back except for one. "How much?" she asked.
"Three bronze pieces," the clerk replied uneasily. Asha nodded, a silver piece ready in her hand. She set it on the wooden desk and slid it to the clerk's pale, freckled hand. He narrowed his eyes at her. "Where did you get this money?" he asked suspiciously.
Heaving a great sigh, Asha showed her pendant to the clerk. "I'm a certified mage," she told him.
The clerk worried a thin bottom lip between his teeth as he took the coin from Asha. Bronze coins plinked on the countertop from his hand. "Thank you for your patronage," the clerk told her with a fake smile and narrowed brown eyes.
Asha smiled an equally gracious fake smile and slid the coins into her palm. "Good day," she said as she led Yuni out of the store. The bell tinkled as they left, and Asha let the wooden door slam behind her.
Back on the cobblestone street, Asha turned to Yuni. "From now on, you're going to have to do the talking for us."
Yuni looked positively terrified, her eyes widening almost comically. "Why?" she breathed. "I would not know what to say!"
"Didn't you notice how that clerk acted?" Asha asked. "He was so suspicious of us because of me. You need to act like nobility and I'll pretend to be your servant. We'll still be out of place, but less so than before."
"I suppose," Yuni murmured. "I am just so nervous. I do not know how one should act when shopping."
"I'll tell you what to do," Asha soothed. She prompted Yuni to begin walking, and Asha began to scan for a store for travelers.
As they walked, Asha told Yuni what to say. When she spotted a promising store, Yuni led Asha inside. She wandered around the store, inspecting the goods. "Stay focused," Asha whispered in her ear.
Yuni's brows furrowed as she scanned the store. When she spotted the cloaks, she strode toward them, never looking more like an elegant noble than she did at that moment.
She inspected the cloaks, looking for Asha's own specifications. "Something lined with fur. The nights are cold, but the days hot."
"Is this acceptable?" Yuni whispered, not turning to face Asha who stood directly behind her.
Asha peered over Yuni's shoulder at a forest green cloak lined with what looked like beaver fur. "Yes," she replied just as quietly.
Having chosen a cloak, Yuni moved to the left. On that table were traveling bags. "Leather," Asha had told Yuni. "It needs to be large, but easy to carry."
Picking a bag was much quicker than choosing a cloak had been. There was only food left to purchase. Dried fruit and meat was behind the counter, so Yuni led Asha to the front, the purchases piled on her arms. Yuni had felt particularly bad about treating Asha like a servant and had protested at first, but Asha had insisted that they would garner too much attention if Yuni were to visibly treat Asha like her equal.
Once everything had been purchased, they were on their way once again. "Won't we need a horse?" Yuni asked.
Asha sighed. "I don't have the money to buy a horse, and stealing, even from Mallanders, is just wrong."
"This is all my fault," mumbled Yuni. "I could have taken my own horse from the stables, but I did not think."
"It's not your fault, Yuni," Asha said, though privately, she agreed with Yuni's depreciating statement, just a little. Foresight was important. "We can't dwell on it; we have to move forward. There's not a lot of time before- oh. . ." She trailed off. After that small time of panic first thing in the morning, Asha had pushed the most important reason for their journey out of her mind.
Yuni placed a gentle hand on Asha's back. "Like you said, we have to move. We cannot dwell on the past, but we also cannot dwell on the future, yes?"
Asha nodded silently and marched forward. She chose to ignore Yuni's last statement. "Let's just get going," she muttered.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey inktopus,
Let's get started...
Shady back with another review! Look at me actually being productive, eh?
Okay, I'm going to do that annoying thing where I point out something I don't like, without any really helpful suggestion as to how to fix it. Ready? Okay
So I don't like this sentence. It reads strangely to me, and I can't quite put my finger on the reason for that. I think you might have a bit of issue with the topic of this sentence. Like, the streets were paved with uneven cobblestone made sense, but it's not clear whether its the "street" or the "cobblestone" that is being referred to for the thudding. Plus, I think the main thing that bothers me is that it's usually the boots that thud -- not the street.
I think if you reworked the sentence maybe like "Asha's boots thudded on the uneven cobblestone that paved the street" or something would make the flow nicer? Or something? As I said, I can't figure out exactly how to improve it, but I'm sure you'll figure out something. Just wanted to bring that to your attention.
Whose sharp brown eyes? This is a really unclear sentence.
There's nothing really wrong with this sentence, but it does come off as a bit unnecessarily aggressive. Like why not just have a "hey do you mind wearing trousers?" sort of question that doesn't seem so confrontational? This one is almost like Asha is daring Yuni to say she minds it lol.
Anal nitpick incoming... the single quotation mark should be inside the question mark, with the double remaining on the outside. Like so:
"What do you mean, 'no'?"
The single quotation marks are meant to quote what Yuni said, and she didn't say it as a question so you shouldn't be quoting it as a question. Asha is the one doing the questioning not Yuni.
This is a really good place where you could delve into Asha's mind and help flesh her out a bit. Show her processing the information a bit more, until she finally comes to the conclusion that Yuni is a noble.
Like what? Was she like "say hi to that dude over there" or was she trying to feed her lines for how to talk when they got to a shop? This isn't a very clear bit.
Purchases piled in whose arms? As it's written it seems like they're in Yuni's arms, which wouldn't make sense if Asha was posing as the servant. Perhaps re-word it so that it's clear Asha is carrying it?
Why? If Yuni grew up as a noble, surely she's well accustomed to having a fleet of servants to do her beck and will. Why does Yuni suddenly feel so awkward about it? I mean if she was another peasant, sure it'd be weird for her -- but as a noble I would think it would be less of an issue.
~ ~ ~
I liked this chapter as well. It's kinda adorable seeing Yuni learning how to do normal things, after having been so sheltered from it in her privileged lifestyle as a noble. I liked seeing the progression of the relationship, and also appreciated that you kept the plot going forward.
I mean not a whole ton happens here, but it doesn't feel like we're stagnant in the story while they get to know each other better. There's a pretty major plot revelation -- Yuni is a noble. And they get supplies. And they head out. Plot keeps moving.
Well done on this chapter; off to the next.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hi, I'm just going to skip half of my intro. Let’s get into this, shall we?
You’ll have to forgive me for the last review. I assumed Asha knew that Yuni was a noble. It doesn’t completely erase that point of critique, but it does lessen its impact. Still said, it’s still strange how Asha still trusts Yuni after finding out about this.
Your description of the town was nice, though a bit more of it would be nicer. We know that the sight of them was odd enough to draw attention, but besides that there wasn’t much on the town itself. The shops seemed rather barren as well.
Yuni being somewhat incapable of shopping is endearing, in a way. Focusing on that to advance her relationship with Asha is a nice way of doing it.
Overall, I don’t have much to say. It’s very similar to the previous chapter in both its strengths and weaknesses. It might fall into a pattern, if it happens too often.
I should probably mention that Yuni is of a visably different race than the other nobles
So I might have fallen asleep in the middle of reviewing this last night.
I had not predicted them making it to a store because I swear I was thinking more along the stereotype route. "Oh I can survive anything" the masculine main character says as they freeze to death. More interactions between the two main characters. More awkwardness as Yuni tries to I guess adapt from her original lifestyle, and is then told to switch back to be a snooty and uptight bitty. This especially coming from the lower class individual she just rescued from prison who was about to become a slave. I can certainly see where this gets a bit twisted and confused.
Aha. The second guessing.
Yuni you may be pretty but you're an idiot.. This further brews the question of why did she rescue Asha? Was it some sort of connection she felt or the sudden realization of just horrible this plan was, how many people it would hurt? The thing about questions is that they stack up faster than empty soda cans and now I'm really starting to notice them. Before there were just these slight issues going on that caused for some concern on part of the one character, but now they're more wide spread. This better start clearing up or the novel might be taken a nose dive into possibilities.Hello again, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for a review from Team Autumn on this lovely Review Day. Let's get right into it!
Before I start anything else, I need to point out something. As Leafpool said, Asha cut open her hands in the dungeon a couple chapters back. But afterward, we never hear from them again, as almost they were never there. My suggestion would be to maybe mention Asha buying fresh bandages in one of the stores or washing them off somewhere.
On to the chapter itself, I think a wee bit more description of the town they're in could have worked. Not a whole lot, but maybe some more detail on the shops and what the town looked like, or maybe even detail on people's reactions when they saw Asha and Yuni.
This chapter doesn't really have a lot of plot advancement here, mainly just character actions and talking. The most important part, to me, in this chapter, was Asha forgetting the main reason why she and Yuni took the journey. I find that to be quite fitting with this chapter, as Asha nor Yuni talk about it.
The character development in this chapter is pretty good as the reader finds out a little more about Yuni and how she never shopped before. The fast plan that Asha created to blend in leads me to think that Asha is quick to think, which, again, lets the reader know more about her a character.
Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.
Pastel
Hey Stormcloud, it's your girl Leafpool (I got my name changed!) coming at you with a review.
YES, I LOVE shopping!
In the first chapter it seemed like Yuni was more or less the brains of the operation but I think having Asha kind of take the lead there was a good move.
I didn't notice any grammar mistakes, but it could be better with a little more description. What did the market look like? Were there any other people around?
Overall, this is a good chapter but there wasn't a lot of anything happening, so maybe it would have been better if it had been part of either the last chapter or the net chapter.
Also I have a question; when Asha was taken into the cell a couple chapters back and she cut open her hands, why weren't her injuries weren't mentioned again? Maybe just incorporating a sentence or two about her injuries (washed them in a river, got some bandages, etc) would be good.
It was a pretty good chapter though, keep up the good work!
Hey Storm,
Nit-picks and nice moments:
That didn't quite flow right. I think it's the two 'that's that threw me off. Maybe "gazing at the outfits on the mannequins..." I'm not sure.
Is a noble a specific thing outside of the grand people I've already seen? I just sort of assumed the High Mage was considered some sort of noble therefore the fact that she was at that dinner would have meant there wasn't really a question. I could easily be missing something though.
That's a really nice instance of everyday racism and the irritation that occurs after you've become used to it. Good job!
Yeah, it works fine.
Ironically, I'm here to pick a fight with your ellipsis. Just that it's odd for it to have spaces between the dots though.
Overall:
Character: Like I said when I picked up the nice moment, I really like your handling of racism here. It's very realistic, and not overblown into a situation that represents the moral atrocity of racism. It's someone who's been raised in prejudice and someone who's been raised having to deal with it. It felt very natural and realistic, which made it more painful.
It took me a moment to realise that when Yuni acted strange in the street it was still because of the shopping. It's probably fine, but you could say something like "Yuni seemed to still be entranced with the experience of shopping because..." and then go on to describe her actions the way you did. It was only confusing for a moment though, so it's up to you whether you're fine with that.
Setting: I think I want a wee bit more about how far they've come. I'm not totally sure the level of danger they're in. It also might be worth slipping in a wee bit of world-building either here or the next chapter so that I know something about Malland.
Plot: There wasn't a massive amount of plot advancement here, most just physical movement and some nice character development. I'm guessing that's why you were struggling with where to end it. I think I'm okay with a character heavy chapter and look forward to seeing where they go from here
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
I just wanted to clarify everything. The High Mage is kind of like an elected official, he was appointed by other mages to his station, same with the council members. Some of them may have been born into nobility, but it's not necessary or true in all cases. However, it should have been apparent that she was a noble since Yuni was not a mage. Asha didn't really think about it, even though it should have been clear.
Okay, I think I see where you're going with that. Wouldn't hurt to make that explicit in the line about Asha realising what should have been clear all along though
Hello, Falx here to review!
Unfortunately I cannot give you any feedback on character or plot development, having not read the prior chapters, but I will say I enjoyed your writing style. It was engaging and to the point.
However, I felt that it could use just a tad bit more description (not much). For instance, I'd like to hear about what the market looks like or the impression of our MC of the shop.
Secondly there was more telling than showing & I wasn't really empathizing with the MCs. Adding more of their thoughts/feelings would really help bring the story to life.
See you around,
Fea
I really didn't see anything out of place. It has a nice plot and I want to read more. There are no run-on sentences. I really hope to read more soon
.