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The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 10

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

"Oh no," Yuni whispered, saying aloud what Asha was thinking.

Asha worried her lip between her teeth and walked forward. Glancing around the side of a house, she steeled herself to go to the door.

The latch was broken, so when she pressed a hand to it, the door swung open, creaking eerily. "Stay out here," Asha muttered to Yuni.

"But-"

"Just do it," Asha commanded.

Taking a deep breath, Asha stepped inside. Warm orange tinted light streamed in through the door, casting her shadow on the dirt floor in high definition. Taking another step inside, the smell hit her: coppery blood.

She walked forward. Suddenly, it was harder for her to lift her feet. She inspected the floor. Tacky, half dried blood pooled around the soles of her shoes. Terror clutched her heart in an icy, clawed grip.

She steadied her breathing, but the deathly silence began to ring in her ears. In the corner, a dark figure sat huddled. She inched her way toward it. She crouched and reached out her hand. Fingers touched cold skin. Though she knew that she would likely find a body, her head still reeled.

Before she knew what she was doing, she had hooked her arms under the armpits of the body, and she dragged it out into the light. An old woman with thinning white hair was still huddled on the floor, rigor mortis having set in. The warm orange light coming from the sunset contrasted with the horror of the picture. Blood caked into her hairline, and one side of her skull was bashed in. Her eyes were open wide in a perpetual expression of fear and surprise.

A small sound of shock came from behind Asha, she turned around to see Yuni peeking in the door with eyes like coffee gone cold. "We were too late," Yuni murmured flatly.

Asha pursed her lips and nodded, unable to take her eyes off of the body in front of her. "The blood was still tacky, so I think we can beat the slavers to the next town if we hurry."

"Are you not going to give the dead a funeral?" Yuni asked.

"I have no connection to these people," Asha said, struggling to keep her voice from quivering. "I have a duty to the living to warn them about the coming dangers."

"Asha," Yuni began earnestly. "You do not believe that. I know you do not."

"We don't have time, Yuni. There will be more to burn if we don't make sacrifices."

"Let me have a few minutes here," Yuni commanded, sounding, for the first time, the princess that she was. "If you will not care for the dead, then I will."

"Okay, but only a few minutes. Then we're on the road again."

Yuni's eyes burned a hole into the back of Asha's head as Asha stood up fully. She turned to face the woman, but Yuni had already turned away. Asha watched her as she knelt and bowed toward the east, murmuring her prayer to the ground.

While Yuni chanted her prayer for the dead, Asha ran a hand over the cool forehead of the old woman, avoiding the broken, bloody side. She ignored the scalding tears that pricked at her eyes, and turned back toward Yuni, gazing at the sun as it sunk back into the horizon.

She allowed Yuni’s accented muttering to flood her ears as she squinted into the waning sunlight. It was almost startling the way she stopped.

“I’m ready,” Yuni said coldly.

Asha reached out a hand. “Okay,” she said as Yuni gripped her fingers tightly, still angry, but it seemed that she was clinging to any sort of comfort that she could have.

Asha closed her eyes and spread her consciousness across the landscape. In a split second, she had drained the energy she needed and forced it outward. A loud crack split the skies, and Asha's head spun as the world shifted beneath her feet.


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Fri Aug 17, 2018 2:58 am
Shady wrote a review...



Heya ink,

Shady back with another review! You already know I'm out of creativity, so let's just get started, shall we?

"Oh no," Yuni whispered, saying aloud what Asha was thinking.


This is 100% a matter of personal preference, so feel free to disregard it entirely. However, I generally am not a fan of starting a chapter with dialogue. I think this kinda works here, since if you just read the last chapter we know what they're both thinking.

But my personal style would be to write just a short introductory paragraph to enhance the drama even further. So instead of just starting with an "oh no" you could delve further into descriptions. The lack of answer last chapter was ominous, but not as ominous about describing the lack of even birds singing, or the heavy footprints littering the grass, or the upended crates out front of a shop, etc. I think you could really improve the emotional impact if you took a paragraph or two to set us up for further drama, rather than just have a line of dialogue to start.

Suddenly, it was harder for her to lift her feet. She inspected the floor. Tacky, half dried blood pooled around the soles of her shoes.


You might want to do some research on this. I'm not an expert by any means, but I would think of blood as being slimier -- yes, thick and viscous, but not necessarily sticky? Again I don't know, but this raised a "hmm, really?" flag in my mind as I read it cause I'm not entirely sure that this is believable.

~ ~ ~

Eesh, so much dying Dx

In a literary sense, though, it's great. You're doing a good job with plot and pacing it out -- something exciting happens just about every chapter, punctuated with some emotional and relational growth. I'm really enjoying the progression of your story.

I do hope that soon they catch up (or get ambushed) or something happens to break up the flow. I mean so far it's been excellent, but I think if they come across too many more villages filled with dead inhabitants then it's going to quickly become trite. Interested to see where the next chapter leads!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:32 pm
liehart wrote a review...



I like how the tension is built up at the beginning of the chapter, especially with the imagery of the sunlight and the blood, and I think you could write more leading up to it. Also, the lack of a funeral here contrasted with the earlier chapter is very powerful, and it's clear that Asha is reluctant to leave them without it being stated outright.

I don't know if this chapter is actually any shorter than the others, but I couldn't help but feel it was leading up to something taking place in the village and then the chapter just ended. I think to justify this scene's place in the story, which it deserves to have, there could be more plot development or exposition and further setting up the conflict. It's very well written, but from a structural point of view feels as though something is missing.

The horror of this environment is really well conveyed, this is legitimately disturbing. I also liked how Yuni was insistent on caring for the dead, and I feel like I'm beginning to understand her character more and more!




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Sun Oct 29, 2017 9:01 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



I'm still distracted so I decided to just work through all of these and maybe hope that review day is over by the time I finish. Not to abandon you in the green room or anything.

"Oh no," Yuni whispered, saying aloud what Asha was thinking.

god dammit yuni
Somehow things are less awkward now as I'm accepting that these two characters will be friends and won't turn on each other in a blaze of glory. Yuni may still betray here but if you wanted that to happen, I'm sure you have hidden it away until much farther down the road. If I remember what you told me about the ending before, that's not how it happens but maybe I can still hope for more acts of treason.

Yuni taking control wasn't entirely unexpected, considering she had been in the passive position for so long and yet she had a right to not be. Like this is a woman who has been taught her entire life that she has power and strength over other people, but the last time I saw any display of this was an interaction with the castle guards. It kind of makes me doubtful of her behavior and her ability to be strong in the case of something happening to her traveling companion, whose bond I haven't even really figured out yet.
You're trying to form a subplot between these two but I haven't seen it go that far as of yet. I know it's just beginning to get serious and I should probably take that into account and stop talking now.
The prayers themselves also surprised me because Yuni just didn't seem like that sort of character, that would break down after seeing some random dead woman. But I can see how she's conflicted after Asha devoted an entire day to the other village but won't spend five minutes on these people. That's probably just part of her lack of understanding because of the different world aspect of this.

And yeah I think I'll stop there because really, how much more of this do you need to hear?




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Sat Sep 02, 2017 2:30 am
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello again, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for review number one for #RevMo ! Let's get right into it! Also, my apologies for the sudden pause in reviews for this - busy schedule .-.

Firstly,

W h e r e ' s c h a p t e r n i n e

Yuni taking charge in this chapter was a nice twist to her usual quiet and agreeing personality in this chapter. The main personality traits of Asha and Yuni slowly switching roles is smooth and seems to fit in nicely with the plot of this chapter.

The chapter started off pretty suspenseful, to say the least. The urgency of Asha wanting to go to the next village/location (can't remember - not going back up to confirm my guess) and Yuni wanting to stay back and pray seemed very emotional to me.

My one complaint in this chapter was the sudden appearance of the old lady. She seemed to be placed there as sort of an extra prop for the chapter. She didn't seem to have much-needed importance than what was given. She seems to be one of those characters in a bank robbing scene that their only significance was getting shot. I'm not saying to remove her completely, but it just seemed like something I needed to say.

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.

Pastel




inktopus says...


Whaaaaat? Where did chapter nine go? I swear it was there before. I'll check that out.



inktopus says...


Ah, I found it. It was in the wrong folder. The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 9



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Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:10 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



gogogogogo

nit-picks:

In the corner, a dark figure sat huddled. She inched her way toward it. She crouched and reached out her hand.

The sentence structure of X did action Y is a bit repetitive here.

An old woman with thinning white hair was still huddled on the floor, rigor mortis having set in.

How could she have seen this in the dark, assuming it's a second body?

Her eyes were open wide in a perpetual expression of fear and surprise.

I think "shock" instead of surprise would be more powerful. Also maybe "terror" instead of fear unless you think that's overkill.

she turned around to see Yuni peeking in the door with eyes like coffee gone cold.

Not a nit-pick - super nice image!

Yuni's eyes burned a hole into the back of Asha's head as Asha stood up fully.

How would Asha know...?

“Okay,” she said as Yuni gripped her fingers tightly, still angry, but it seemed that she was clinging to any sort of comfort that she could have.

Also not a nit-pick - good subtlety on the physical contact.

Overall:

Character: I like Yuni taking charge here - very good to see the other side of her, what I'm guessing is her usual side. I think Asha might as well take advantage of the time Yuni demands to whisper some sort of words of prayer, or just a general message to the dead. She clearly wants to, and she could try and do it without Yuni noticing or something.

Setting: This was really good here. Just enough detail about this particular place, backed up by the description of the previous village. Would still like some sort of idea about the layout of this place though, so I know how far they have to travel and the level of jeopardy.

Plot: There isn't a lot of plot advancement here, despite more things actually physically happening than the last chapter. It's a very emotive pause though, which is useful. I know you're worried about having too many feels moments all at once but I think it's working for you. And the fact that you end on a teleportation is a very good idea because it a) moves them along and b) means you don't have to describe teleportation every time.

Sorry if this seems rushed but I'm getting going for team French Fries here!
Biscuits :)




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Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:00 am
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Dino here for a short review! I haven't read the previous chapters so if I get anything wrong, let me know!

Suspenseful beginning, I will admit. From just reading it, I'm going to assume they are about to break into a house to find something important or rescue someone. I like the characteristics of both Asha and Yuni, as Yuni seems to be more persistent for doing things while Asha is more careful; perfect opposite.

Asha worried her lip between her teeth and walked forward.


One simple suggestion here I have is placing a comma after worried and before her. It'll have that breather and run a little smoother. Also, I think Asha was worried sounds a bit better. I like your description of the place, mainly with the dried blood on the wooden floor and the reaction Asha gives when she sees it.
Be careful with the pronoun 'she'; while I do know it is Asha doing all the hard work of trying to carry the dead body into the light, it might be useful to say who 'she' is because when you even it out, it makes sense when the readers read it.
Now, who's the old lady and why is she important? Does she have a name? Even if you did mention in the previous chapter, it could be helpful to say who she is and what she was doing there in the first place.

[quote] she turned around to see Yuni peeking in the door with eyes like coffee gone cold. [quote]

I don't know what you mean by coffee gone cold; maybe you could say like food platters or something similar because coffee gone cold doesn't seem to fit what is happening. So, in the ending, I'm guessing, Asha can fast travel to different towns to warn the humans of what is going to happen? And I'm guessing the slavers are people who slave people and if they do not commit to that, they kill them? Interesting stuff, I will admit.

Overall, this was a nice chapter. It was packed with descriptions and I enjoyed reading it. I'm excited to see what'll happen next.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Dino





Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill