Young Writers Society

Hey inktopus,

Shady back again. It's been a while, eh? I skimmed the previous chapter and am going to see if I can just jump straight back in, but I have a notoriously bad memory so sorry if I forget something that's been established in your story...

Seeing the smoking remains of Asha's home cast a dark cloud over her.

"It is horrid," she whispered, casting her eyes to the ground.

A faint, bittersweet smile quirked her lips as she walked with memories playing across closed eyelids.

The smooth, perfect skin of children drenched in dried blood, white clothes stained red. Old, broken bodies dotted the pile as well, wrinkled and white-haired with jaundiced eyes. At the very top of the pile lay an old, emaciated man impaled with a pike that had a familiar flag tied to it, waving in the breeze.

It bore the crest of the High Mage.

joviality of the ritual

'Seeing the smoking remains of Asha's home cast a dark cloud over her.'

As a first line, this feels more like telling than showing where I think showing would be far more effective. It really improves as it goes on, the memory contrasted with the bodies is really powerful.

The grief in this chapter is really well written, I think its best quality is how emotion has been captured. I love the idea of Asha building the pyre, and also burning the flag, as a way of resisting the High Mages while keeping her own culture alive despite efforts to destroy it. Now, take this with a pinch of salt as I have no experience of being a colonised/persecuted ethnic group, but the themes here, which despite the fantasy setting are unfortunately very real, feel sensitively written about. I'd still recommend keeping in mind what the implications might be when dealing with such issues.

I am not sure about the flashback, as it feels the story is on pause for exposition. I think it might work better if it was worked into the present a bit more.

That said, this is a very strong chapter and I'm very excited to keep reading!

Hey Storm. I had to take a break from looking at the green room so I decided to jump over here.

I read this a week or so ago but then I never reviewed it, probably because I got lazy. This chapter was a bit different than all of the other pieces than I had seen before and I guess I really started to like it at this point. Like the plot is finally starting to roll somewhere, and even though Asha's motivations were starting to be pointed out before, they're even more clearly defined now. The government has torched her village, destroying all the life and this sets her up on her personal revenge mission. Assuming she's also going to have a period of rescue missions for other like villages to try and save them from the bad guys.

It was good to finally hear a bit more about her life before and the people she knew, even if it was only for that brief flashback to her mentor. That's what I've been wanting to see out of your chapters for a long while but I figured those explanations would come at a later point in time. Wasn't quite as dramatic as I was expecting from you but still it started to happen and that put my mind at ease.

The dialogue still feels funky to me and it might just be that these characters still feel off to me. Like all of their interactions are uncomfortable, which I guess is accurate for two people who barely know each other and our now allies and enemy of the state. How they got thrown together seems rather rushed and I know that Yuni must have more of a back story, so that's what I'm hoping to see next.

Hello again, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for a review from Team Autumn on this fine Review Day. Let's get right into it!

I really enjoy how more of Asha's backstory and childhood(?) was introduced in the chapter. It develops her more as a character, and it makes her feel more human instead of a book character. How you described each part was very clear and vivid, I wasn't the biggest fan of the throw-up scene, however. Mainly because you showed a natural reaction from a person who would've seen the pile of dead bodies in real life - in fact, I feel that Asha's reaction was the most realistic part of this chapter.

The flashback seemed a bit awkward in this chapter, as it wasn't separated from the rest of the piece, my suggestion would be to put something like a hyphen to separate it from the rest of the piece, so the reader will know they're going to a different point of view. Unless you did do that and the Publishing Center glitched, it's fine.

The atmosphere and intensity are gradually building up with each chapter and I love it to death.

Feel free to reply or send a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.

Pastel

This is Nikayla here dropping in for another review on this lovely Review Day!

I already forget the last chapter that I reviewed--oopsie! I'll just go off of what I read here for the review though I may end up remembering other bits and pieces from this. That being said, let's jump right in by saying that this chapter does better than the last that I reviewed in setting up scenery and building the atmosphere. At least, better than the last chapter--still not your strength in writing! At the same time, I found myself much more captivated by what's going on and the descriptions that are being used in this chapter.

They're much more vivid to the reader and more balanced with the dialogue which I enjoy quite a bit. This is what I would've liked to see more of last time. The vomit part is a little gross I have to say. This made me scrunch my face and have to turn away a little bit because this makes the impact of what's going on and the dead bodies even more impactful. This is what interested me enough to make me want to see what happens next and maybe even review this novel from the beginning--I suppose I'll end up doing that if I have the time.

The line of dialogue "That's not what we do around here." says so much in only a couple of words. The differences between their culture. That's what I want more of. Even so, the flashback to Khari is a little awkward. I wanted to see more rooted in reality or in the actual scene in the second half because there's a slight shift into telling and not showing. The end of this chapter isn't as effective as I'd hoped though. Falling asleep might've not been the best way to end this.

Maybe place the flashback before she falls asleep and have that end the chapter? Just a suggestion. What I suggest even more though is making the connection between Asha and Yuni stronger near the end because both of them feel more distant at this point and I wanted to see more of a bond. The two characters have interactions with each other that I find to be...odd? I'm a fan of Asha and her development more than Yuni. Overall though? Solid chapter. More impressed than I expected to be so nice job on that.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Woot woot!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

"It is horrid," she whispered, casting her eyes to the ground.

The smooth, perfect skin of children drenched in dried blood, white clothes stained red.

Yuni breathed out something in a language that Asha couldn't understand.

She trembled like the sheet of paper she shared her coloring with.

The wood creaked and crackled ats the flames consumed it.

With a flash of emotion that she hadn't allowed herself to include in her magic since she was a young child