Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The streets were flooded, water running through them like tiny rivers. Asha desperately wished she had worn her boots. Gathering her too-thin cloak around herself, she walked faster, shoes soaked through. Each one of her steps was accompanied with a splash. She had quit trying to avoid the puddles.
Asha prided herself on her adaptability, but the one thing she was certain that she would never get used to was rain. Back home, it rarely rained, and Asha didn’t mind. Rain was a rare treat. Almost like a special occasion. In Merdon, it always rained, and when it wasn’t raining it was pouring. She wiped water droplets from her face and continued on her way, squinting against the wind.
Her hands were balled into fists in an attempt to warm her fingers. At long last, Asha could finally see the gates to the palace. Several feet over her head, swirling iron dripping from the rain. A palace guard squinted suspiciously at her through the rain. “What business would one of your kind have at the palace?”
Asha frowned from under her hood, narrowing her eyes through the rain. Reaching inside her cloak, she pulled out her pendant that she had gotten when she had graduated from her magic schooling. “I’m a certified mage,” she said. “I have a meeting in the palace.”
The guard swung one door open. “Welcome, mage,” he spat.
Asha pushed down the words bubbling up inside of here. She was a mage, higher ranking than a palace guard, she would not let this get to her. She had learned that lesson years ago. Though the water wasn’t nearly as deep as it had been on the streets, each step was still accompanied with a splash as she purposefully strode to the castle doors. Another guard gazed at her, though more puzzled than scornful. She flashed the pendant she still clutched in her hand, and the guard let her inside.
She stood in the foyer, shivering and dripping wet. She slid off her hood, and patted her head scarf, dry thankfully. She didn’t know what she would have done if her hair had gotten wet. She pulled the colorful cloth from her head. Wild curls sprung free, tightly coiled, and Asha’s pain in the ass. She tucked the scarf inside her bag and began to walk down the hall, her boots echoing on the marble floor. Though she had only been to the palace once before, she remembered her way around quite well.
Shaking water from herself, she continued down the corridor, her stomach twisting more and more the closer she got to the meeting room. Dark hands began to shake as she neared the door, and she could see the brassy plaque, tauntingly glinting at her. She gritted her teeth as she read the words “High Mage” engraved into the metal plate. She steeled herself and knocked; the sound was dull, and Asha wondered if the High Mage would even be able to hear her knock through the thick wood.
She almost thought that she could hear shuffling behind the door before it opened. A tall, pale woman whom Asha had only met once before loomed in the threshold. If she hadn’t known better, Asha would have guessed that this woman was the High Mage. “Come in,” a rather nasally voice commanded. That was the voice belonging to the true High Mage. A portly man, wearing the white robes with golden cord waddled past the elegant woman. “You’re Mage Asha?” he asked, looking her up and down. “I do believe we have met before. You were three years into your training if I remember correctly.” Asha could almost hear him saying, “and I always do.”
Asha offered a hand, but was unsurprised when the High Mage declined to take it, it was rare that anyone did. “Yes. You said that I should come back when I was done with my training. That you might have an opening for a palace mage.”
Even before he replied she could feel her heart sink, just like her feet did into the plush carpet. “Yes. Yes, I suppose I did, didn’t I?” he pursed his already thin, pale lips, and ruffled his thinning white hair. He walked around his ornate desk and plopped himself in the overstuffed arm chair behind it. He shuffled some papers that had been on his desk and he put on his spectacles that had been hanging on a golden chain around his neck. From a gilded cage in the corner of the room, a tropical looking bird squawked. It looked old and tired, and Asha could see some bare, bloodied skin where it had begun to pull its own feathers out; a familiar no doubt.
Asha wanted to sigh, but she steadied herself and let out a quiet, shuddering breath. She could handle this. She looked around the office, noting another door in the back of the room. The council meeting room if she remembered correctly. A fireplace crackled cheerfully on the opposite wall, and suddenly her cloak felt too hot. She ran a hand through her curls and tried to keep herself from bouncing on her heels. “Is there a job opening?” she finally asked. To be honest, she was a bit paranoid that the High Mage had forgotten that she was even in the room.
The High Mage looked up at her through his spectacles, startled. He definitely forgot, thought Asha. “I’m afraid that we don’t have any positions that will do for you. Palace mages are the facade of the palace. We can’t let just anyone become a palace mage.” Asha swallowed the scream building up in her. She bit the inside of her cheek and pinched the fleshy part of her hand between her nails. “It just wouldn’t do to have someone from the Southern Colonies become a palace mage. Appearances have to be kept up.”
“I see,” Asha ground out. Quivering with fury, she turned on her heels and exited the room. It took all of her strength and common sense to not slam the door shut behind her. Her boots echoed down the halls; she was too irritated to care how loud she was. Damn it all: the palace, the council, the king himself. Damn it all to hell.
She had almost devolved into angry mutterings when she clipped a figure walking the opposite direction. A pale girl with a round face turned to regard her. “Watch where you’re going, Moonface!” Asha raged. “People are trying to walk.”
The girl’s already pale face whitened further, but Asha whirled around and continued on her way. She marched through the awful weather, for the rain had turned to sleet during the time she had been in the palace. Finally, she arrived at the tiny apartment that she called home. It was small, shoddy, and probably moldy, but it was hers. She fumbled with the key and let herself in, glaring at the rickety chair in the middle of the room. She was stuck here for the time being, seeing as there were no jobs for her at the palace. Disregarding her wet cloak, she slammed the door shut with her foot and slumped into the wooden chair.
A gust of a sigh left her lips. What could she do next? There had never been a backup plan. She shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts from her mind. Later. She would worry about it later.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and for review day I'm going to try to review whatever you currently have up on this story for our exchange. I may not get to the end, in which case I'll try to do so at a later date. Now, let's get into this chapter.
As others have pointed out, there are a lot of sentences that seem a bit off or could use a little work. Since everyone else has pointed them out, I don’t see any reason to repeat what they said. I’m only leaving this because even I, someone who usually reads very quickly, could notice it enough to bother me.
Asha is somewhat of a mixed bag for me, though on the positive side. You did a nice job with how you described her thoughts about the rain, which lead into part of her backstory rather smoothly. The feelings she experienced while meeting with the High Mage were also delivered rather clearly as well. The way she also tried to suppress her emotions in front of a higher ranking mage was a nice touch to show her level of restraint. My only complaint would be how she seems to transition from anxious to anger rather quickly. Maybe change either the middle of the meeting or the end of the meeting to match the other in her tone.
Overall, it’s a nice starting chapter. You haven’t elaborated much on the setting or the plot, but you did do a nice job at setting up Asha. The little things like social structure, even if it was between just mages and guards, was also a nice addition that I’d like to see expanded on later.
Hey inktopus,
Shady here with the first review of our exchange. No guarantee how fast I'll be able to deliver, but with any luck I hope to get several written in the next week or so. Let's get started...
Didn't mind that it rarely rained? Or didn't mind that it was raining now? This sentence isn't super clear. I'd recommend re-wording so that it's easier to understand what you mean.
This sentence reads a little strange as well. I get it's talking about the hair being a pain, but for whatever reason that bit makes the sentence feel a bit off. Maybe add in a few more linking words to make it flow smoother?
Also, you might want to use this opportunity to casually throw in a hair color. Right now I'm having a really hard time imagining her. The guard talks about "her kind" but I dunno if that's just a minority or if she's some sort of non-human creature. Here at least you could add a bit of a descriptor cause just having the wild curls springing free makes me think Brave. So if that's not the image you're going for, maybe revise this bit some?
A familiar what?
I'm not loving this sentence, honestly. I'm not sure what it is about it... but it kinda feels like it drags you out of the narrative, you know? Like we are seeing all of this from Asha's POV, and suddenly we get an outside interjection. I'd recommend playing around with this until you get a more natural way of describing it like Asha would. Her thoughts in the following paragraph are an excellent example of what I mean -- narrating from Asha's POV.
~ ~ ~
Okay! I think this is an excellent introductory chapter. You opened the scene beautifully, getting me interested from the get-go about who this girl is and what she's doing, prompting me to want to read on (which is honestly why I volunteered for the swap with you -- I read the first few paragraphs and it looked interesting, so I wanted to read on regardless). Great job there!
I do think this chapter would be stronger if I got more of a physical descriptor for Asha. Right now I have literally nothing to go on for imagining her. Sure my imagination is taking off, but I don't want my own view of Asha to cloud what she actually looks like. I think if you could tell us a bit more about her -- especially considering the fact that the Head Mage referred to her appearance being different from what he wanted -- it would really benefit this chapter.
However, your pacing and flow are fantastic -- and I think you do a great job portraying the emotions of your character. I had no trouble at all imagining myself in Asha's shoes -- sloshing through the rain, storming home, the hopeless, tired sigh of disappointment. That was a feature you do particularly well throughout the chapter.
Hope this helps!
~Shady
Thanks so much for the review! I just want to clear up one thing. A familiar is like a witch's black cat. They help magic users do magic. I kind of recycled the term into something that works for my story. As you read more, you'll see what familiars do in this story. Also, Asha is black (I definitely did not describe that enough, so this is me saying it now for clarity)
Okay, thanks for the clarifications!
Hello! You may recall that I promised to review this a while ago, and I am finally doing it. I'm going to start with any problems I have in pacing, plot, tone, etc. and then get down to the finer details that I would change.
If you took out 'desperately' here, the meaning is basically the same and it doesn't make much of a difference to the reader.So, there aren't a lot of major problems with the pacing that I can tell. At the end, it wasn't really a huge transition from Asha walking through the palace to Asha getting onto the road and to her house. My main complaint is that aside from Asha, you don't really describe what people or things look like. You really did a fantastic job of giving us an idea of what time period and kind of world this is. Also, in a way that's difficult to quantify, your writing feels a bit more like it's in first person than in third person, which isn't really a problem, it's just slightly out of the ordinary. Okay, I'm going on to the nitpicky parts. Keep in mind that these aren't very big complaints. They're subtle, but things I think they would improve your writing. Don't take me too seriously.
I. Whenever possible, you should remove adverbs.
II. What does the guard mean 'one of your kind'? Does Asha look obviously different from other people allowed in the palace somehow? I would go deeper into this or just say "What business would you have at the palace?" or something.
III. Is this guard prejudiced against mages, or just in a bad mood? If the former, why? If the latter, specify.
IV. First of all, I think you mean 'her,' not 'here.' Second, Asha is annoyed with this guard, right? Because that's not entirely clear. Asha has a pretty strong personality, but at this part of the chapter, it's not that clear and I think it would help developing her image to the reader if that was evident here.
V. This is a perfect example of when your third person writing feels more like first person. 'Rather' is a word more frequently used by opinionated narrators than by neutral ones. Also, I'm not sure 'a rather nasally voice' is grammatically correct, and even if it is, that adverb makes more sense as just 'nasal.'
VI. So, I think in the context of this sentence 'face' makes more sense than 'façade,' as façade refers to a more grand appearance while face seems like it's the appearance that can be shown to the public. It's not a big difference, but face makes more sense to me. If you do settle on façade, make sure you have the french ç. It's option+c on a mac, if that's what you have. You can copy and paste it if not.
VII. It seems like Asha gets angry very quickly, so it makes more sense to me that she would argue about her rejection before storming off. Also, I would write the third sentence with a , instead of a : or like this: "Damn it all; damn the palace, damn the council, damn the king himself."
VIII. Again, I would add more of a transition from Asha leaving the palace to arriving at her apartment. A change of paragraph, at least.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this chapter. You jumped into the chapter without a lot of a prelude, which is not really something I would do for the beginning of the book, but that's not a huge problem. My biggest dislike is that there aren't a ton of descriptions. But the world is intriguing, and Asha seems like she's going to be fun to read about in the future.
Keep writing! (I mean, obviously you have, but I end all of my reviews this way.)
Feltrix
Hi! A review as promised:
So overall this was an interesting chapter. You set up the world and it’s intricacies very nicely. There’s intrigue, there’s conflict, there’s plot (hallelujah— I haven’t read anything with plot in a while).
There are, also, a few things I would change.
I think the chapter could end on a stronger note. Asha felt to me like a strong protagonist, not someone who would take this blow lying down. The vagueness of the ending also left me uncertain whether the established plot and pace would continue. As a reader, I need assurance that there will be retribution, there will be action. “Later” feels like delaying on your part, tbh. I’m not saying you need to add four more pages, but the inkling of an idea would be nice.
There were also a few awkward sentences I didn’t like. Particularly:
“Wild curls sprung free, tightly coiled, and Asha’s pain in the ass.“
I get weird images sometimes, but when I read this sentence I pictured Asha’s pain in the ass springing free. I don’t think that’s what you wanted to convey. I don't think there's anything wrong with this grammatically, it's just awkwardly phrased.
But aside from nitpicks, I really like the story. Asha is a fun and engaging character. great work!
I really like how, even though its the first chapter, the reader feels like they've known Asha for ever. The characterisation is really strong, I even feel like I have a sense of the moon faced girl's personality despite her brief appearance, and I certainly don't fully trust the High Mage. It's also very atmospheric, but I think you can allow more time for the setting, it's very fast paced and could do with some time to breathe. I'd also say that you could focus a bit more on tone, as there was a distinct voice until the words 'a pain in the ass', as the informality didn't quite match?
It's absolutely a great start, I'm already very invested in what happens to Asha!
Hello, Stormcloud! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful. I've been trying to settle on a reviewing format that I love, but I'm still not sure what works for me and what doesn't. If this review isn't helpful, please let me know.
Grammar and Syntax
I don't have any problems with your overall grammar, so I'll skip ahead to the other parts of my review!
Characters
Asha is already a likable protagonist and the story just began. You do a wonderful job of developing her character in a single chapter. She seems like a character with high hopes and a dedication to what she loves - she's a mage, despite the apparent hatred towards them. That says a lot about her as a person. Her personality is also well-defined. I'm interested in learning more about her in the future chapters!
Plot
I was hooked from the start of this story. I love anything magical, and I also love stories where characters overcome the discrimination that others direct towards them. You've already set up two potential sources for conflict - where Asha's from and the fact that she's a mage. The reaction of the guard, now that I think about it, may have been related to her appearance, but either of those things make for an interesting story.
I'm also guessing that the unnamed girl Asha runs into is going to play an important chapters, but, for now, I'll just have to wait and see.
I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors!
I just want to say that the reason Asha is being treated badly is not because she's a mage. In fact, she is treated better because of her title than she would be if she was not a mage.
Heya Storm. There's not much of this piece to pick at but I always like to start things from the top, so here I am. (That and I just like to review stuff where people might have missed things.) You know that I work things from the opening line so I'm not going to throw in a plot twist or anything. At least not this time.
Opening with a street description combined with character thoughts is a sort of risky way to move into this but since you get a feel for the MC right off the bat, won't complain about it too much. It's a scene that's easy to picture, where most people have probably been out in the rain and regretting their fashion choices. At least, I know that has happened to me before and some swear words were involved. It doesn't seem like she is phased much by what's going on which leads me to believe that the rain is a little mouse compared to the task at hand. Whatever that is, sounds like it's going to be serious. I'm trying very hard not to look at more than one paragraph at a time to keep my comments on track.
Ah well this tosses my previous assumptions about the character right out the window. This starts to give us that little glimpse into her life, which I always like to see in writing, subtle hints instead of an information overload. The weather descriptions so far have been realistic and knowing you, her hair won't still be glamorous after walking in the rain. At least I hope not, because that would be disappointing.
assI don't really know why I'm quoting each bit down here and I think I'll stop that since this is the last paragraph I specifically want to comment on. This is the first bit of dialogue and character interaction that the reader sees and that's what makes it special in a way. It's rather simple in design but it gets the point across that mage's might not be thought of very highly in the kingdom. Unfortunate but this starts to give the story more purpose and have the reader pick up interest. Up to this point I was kind of iffy on if I really wanted to read this entire thing or not, but now that there's going to be action and conflict, you've got my attention.
And the High Mage. Another donkey. Which is unfortunate which the sort of racism and all but I guess this is the cause that pushes the MC on further. I saw that slight introduction of the next major character, very slight but still enough for people to start to click the characters together. Asha herself is a character that I'm really starting to like and admire. How she just kind of flipped the bird to the kingdom (that would've been cool and stupid btw) and didn't get killed. I don't know where the story would have gone if he had treated her worse but that seemed rather mild. Maybe later because there's always later.
I would talk more but I've got 11 more chapters to do and I need something to fill them up.
~Liz <3
Hello, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for a review from Team Autumn on this fine Review Day. Let's get right into it!
I really like Asha as a character right now. Her determination to become a palace mage and her other emotions, mainly her anger, is shown strongly and obviously throughout this chapter. You did a great job on describing the setting - such as the rain, and her outdoor surroundings - but after she arrives in the palace, I feel the detail does down quite a bit. Right now, the only scene I can form in my head with the palace is that there is a plaque on a door down a corridor and there are marble floors. There is no description besides this.
I feel the paragraphs that involve the tall, pale woman entering the palace seems unnecessary and unimportant to the plot of this chapter. I feel this scene of her entering could be removed to help the flow of the piece. Her sudden presence and exit also confuses me. It really makes me think she plays a more important part as a character as the story goes on. I mean, why else would simpleton be in the palace that holds the almighty High Mage?
Speaking of the High Mage, he seems really self-centered and full of himself. This was one of the first things I noticed about him as a character. His personality seems pretty normal fitting with his high role - high ranked people ARE usually full of themselves. But besides that, I feel this is the only thing that you point out to him as a character. If he is going to be featured in later chapters, then it's fine, but I would like him better if more personality traits besides self centeredness in this chapter. Another thing I like to do is play a game call Spot the Antagonist, which is something I do at the beginning of every chapter. I feels the High Mage might okay a part as an antagonist.
Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.
Pastel
The story is off to an interesting start, thematically we are made aware instantly of the divisions in this society, which means the conflict in the story is possibly going to be mainly stemming from that. I love protagonist v society stories so I'm looking forward to continuing.
In this document
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sr9 ... IGy8FyA8jk
I annotated some specific details for ya, I'll do this for the other chapter reviews too if you'd like since naturally as I go over a work, annotating helps me keep track and think about it.
So onto the story.
Our protagonist so far is flawed from the get go, we see her imperfections and her standing in society right off. She can be angry and rude but she remains sympathetic nonetheless because her reactions are all justified if not a little understated. I wish we got a little more world-building but that lack of it may be a stylistic choice you made, in which case it certainly heightens my curiosity without any cheesy cliffhangers (bonus).
As a chapter it does what is should do, reveals us the character, their world in basic terms and in the case of a social conflict like this story, it reveals to us the society. It echoes the real world, in terms of past discrimination and unfortunately some present discrimination too. My warning that I feel I should give here, is to avoid polarising the discrimination. I'm not saying it should be justified by the narrator, but perhaps justified by the ones who do discriminate. You told me how you didn't like the same old same old good vs evil like in star wars, I agree and I think with this kind of anti-discrimination it is easy to accidentally paint the discriminators as evil and purely selfish illogical people, later in the story for all I know you might rectify this and give us a glance at their perspective, but consider this a cautionary warning against making the conflict too one sided.
The discriminators in this case, like the High Mage at least seem reluctant, admitting that they seek to uphold an image more than any practical issues with a southerner. This, I feel, may be the beginning of a larger theme of impractical shows of cruelty. He admits it is a facade. Like in the real world how discrimination continued even after the logic behind it vanished, it was a self supporting idea, a means to an end whose only reason for existing was that it existed at all. A conflict against this illogical method of logic, this self supported reasoning, it could be almost Kafkaesque. A battle for justice and logic in a world where systems are so archaic and self serving that logic and justice lose meaning. It reminds me of the fable of two kingdoms who argued so long they forgot why they even argued, Gullivers Travels stuff. This theme or idea if you like has worked throughout history and I think will do the story neatly.
So far, real good, I'll get a better sense when I do the next chapter either tomorrow or the day after. (kinda got some stuff going on right now, I'm away from home at my grandmas house and the net is barely functioning plus I gotta help baking and chores, sorry for the potential inconsistency!)
Wow! Thanks so much for the review!
Hey Skywind dropping in for a review. I'll focus on the grammar part of things.
First paragraph:
Gathering her too-thin cloak around herself, she walked faster, shoes soaked through.
I feel this would work better if the last part was instead, "her shoes soaked thoroughly."
Using the word through just doesn't seem correct to me.
Second paragraph:
You used rain either as a noun or a verb a lot. I suggest using thesaurus and finding a synonym for rain to not clutter a paragraph with too many of the same word.
The sentence: "Rain was a rare treat." could be replaced by "It was a rare treat." because the previous sentence was talking about rain already.
Other words you could use: drizzle, shower.
Third paragraph:
Several feet over her head, swirling iron dripping from the rain.
This sentence feels a bit awkward to me. Perhaps something like, "Water drips from the swirling iron several feet over her head." instead.
Fourth paragraph:
Here you have dialogue in the middle of a paragraph. General rule to follow for dialogue. Either you have:
Dialogue Description
Description Dialogue
Dialogue Description Dialogue
If you can't make it fit under these three, you should start a new paragraph. Also, if you're using mage as a special type of person in the story I suggest capitalizing it. Otherwise you can leave it if you're using the classic definition of the word. So in your case,
You can do either:
1. ...... She said, "I'm a certified mage. I have a meeting in the palace."
2. .....graduated from her magic schooling.
“I’m a certified mage,” she said. “I have a meeting in the palace.”
Fifth paragraph:
Same thing here about the dialogue. I'll stop mentioning it past here.
Sixth paragraph:
I think you meant "her" instead of "here" at the end of the first sentence.
I recommend writing the second sentence as: She was a mage, a higher ranking than a palace guard; she would not let this get to her.
You talk about the puddles and rain quite often. If they don't play any significance to the story, I suggest cutting down on these descriptions a little. A brief mention of it might be better.
Seventh paragraph:
Wild curls sprung free, tightly coiled, and Asha’s pain in the ass.
This sentence didn't make sense to me. What did you meant by, Asha's pain in the ass?
Ninth paragraph:
You capitalize Mage here, but not earlier. Maybe it's only because it's part of the title but in case that it isn't try to stay consistent with the capitalizing of the word.
At the end you start a dialogue with "and" but you should always capitalize the first word unless the person is talking mid sentence off an ellipsis.
Tenth paragraph:
First comma is unnecessary.
Eleventh paragraph:
armchair is one word.
He shuffled some papers that had been on his desk, and he put on his spectacles that had been hanging on a golden chain around his neck. (added in the missing comma)
Last sentence the word "own" is unnecessary because there is only one bird there.
Thirteenth paragraph:
He definitely forgot, thought Asha.
The word definitely unnecessary. The sentence interprets/reads the same with or without the word.
Also, since this is told in third person, I would assume this sentence also counts as her own dialogue. I would write it separate from other dialogue speakers.
Sixteenth paragraph:
It was small, shoddy, and probably moldy, but it was hers.
I don't know if you wanted to do an omniscient third person narrator or a limited one, but this sentence tells me that it's not omniscient. The word "probably" seems a little unnecessary here depending on what you're going for. "a little" might be a better word choice. As it is it just strikes me that the narrator is unsure even though he/she is there.
She was stuck here, for the time being, seeing as there were no jobs for her at the palace. (added in the missing comma)
Last paragraph: This paragraph striked me as if the story was told in first person narration.
She shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts from her mind. Later. She would worry about it later.
I'm not too sure if writing the sentences like this is a good idea for a third person narrator because the way it's written now feels like the narrator's mind is confused. If this was written in first person however, it wouldn't be strange to word the sentences like:
I shake my head, trying to clear the thoughts from my mind. Later. I'll worry about it later.
Because the narrator is the main character it isn't too strange to read this and it makes sense. I don't know if it's a good idea for third person narration.
So far I like Asha. She seems strong, determined, and willing to overcome her obvious discomfort at her surroundings to reach her goal. You did a great job early on describing her settings, her surroundings, the water etc; and then I feel like that just kinda died off once she made it into the palace itself. If this is only her second visit to this place then maybe a little more detail is warranted. In fact, besides there being marble floors and an eventual plaque on a door down some corridor, there is no description what so ever. If the setting here is unimportant then go with it, but if this place will be returned to later in the series it may be beneficial to at least give 2 details about the place to give readers the ability to conjuer up something of their own to fill in the gaps.
wait, so you're telling me there's a room specifically dedicated to a High Mage, in direct opposition to being guarded by soldiers who appear, according to your dialogue previously, hate or dislike mages? I find this highly interesting. Not bad, not telling you to change it, just commenting on it in general. Interesting. That could be a point of future conflict and I enjoy that. I could be totally wrong, of course, but that's the information I've gathered so far. Unless their distaste was for her, specifically, rather than mages. In which case, the only indication of that comes way later in the mention of being from the southern area?
I dislike that you mention this tall, pale woman upon entering the High Mage's quarters and then dismiss her completely. If her presence is enough to make one believe she was the High Mage then maybe she's a little more interesting than a coat rack? Plus, Asha doesn't speak to her at all? Rude
The High Mage himself seems pretty full of himself. This isn't a problem, just an observation. I don't like him for his dismissal of her, and if that's your intention then good. I sense some political unrest here, or racism of a sort and that makes me wonder about the 'moon face' comment later in the chapter. Is your character dark skinned?
You do this thing pretty much through the entire second half where Asha is the main focus of the paragraph, then the High Mage speaks in the middle of the paragraph, and you end with Asha's internal thoughts. Don't do that. Split it up. It makes it easier to distinguish between characters. Paragraphs don't have to be large blocks of text and any time dialogue is involved I'd recommend breaking it down into smaller blocks. It moves the reader along faster as well.
Her anger and outburst at the passerby at the end make me sympathise with her, and giver her humanity. Good job on that. But after that, i feel like it faded into nothing but a mere gust of a sigh after slamming her door. Pretty quick decline on the emotional scale. It's either a good personality trait, that she's able to calm herself (and if that's the case, mention it) or a writing issue and I can't figure out which.
Also, that last paragraph has like 3 settings all crammed into one. The palace, the streets, the outside of her apartment and then the inside. Really fast. Break it up a bit. Give her more time in between settings. You can go from the palace to the street quickly becuase she's angry and stuff but have her do some of the internal dialogue with herself during her rush home to give the reader a moment to breathe in between scenery changes to her home. No jobs, shoddy apartment, she's got some stuff going on and its worth talking about before immediately ending the chapter.
Over all, though, I enjoyed this. Your writing isn't bad, it's not hard to imagine where I am or what the characters are doing and as an introduction I'm not immediately turned off to the idea of Asha's plight to get a job. It's not boring, I mean. It paced well, I didn't get hung up on anything except 'Ashe's pain in the ass' and even that just felt like it was more a mistake than anything else. Otherwise, all I'd ask from you is a little more detail after the rainy part, and a little less of the 'suddenly the chapter ended' part.
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Nit Picky Stuff
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As others have said, I feel like you use the word Rain a whole lot. It becomes a bit redundant and could easily be reworded for a more refereshing feel. I'm not gonna make a big deal of it, but here are some examples of alternative descriptions 'it was a rare treat' 'swirling iron dripping' 'suspiciously at her through the deluge' 'under her hood, blinking water from her eyes' - just suggestions, solid breaks from the use of the word while still maintaining the same idea.
What outstanding trait exactly about her, I wonder, marks her immediately as 'one of your kind' to a main who has seen her for a short moment in the rain? As a person sheeted in a cloak probably silhouetted against any source of light (if any) or completley shrouded in darkness, what about her stands out so strongly to invoke that reaction? Then again, I'm only assuming it's night time probably because of your title involving the moon haha. But it still stands to reason that even in the day light, a cloaked figure wouldn't necessary invoke that sort of response unless some incredible detail about them immediately stands out to that guard. Just a thought. The moonface comment later makes me believe she's dark skinned, or at least atypical for the local populace. It may be good to mention that, and add a little characterization.
This bugs me a little because calling herself a Mage, after being identified as (presumably) a mage already by the guardsmen feels unnecessary. And then stating that she has a meeting in the palace also seems unnecessary, as she's already here... you know... at the palace. haha
Haven't we already established she's a Mage?
I don't understand why there's a name drop here? Was that a mistake? (I do that sometimes and autopilot words I never meant to type)
We already know she is Asha. "a pain in the ass." Also, what color is her hair? You mention the colorful cloth wrapped around it, now is the perfect time to add detail about his it contrasts or meshes well with her hair of _____ color.
in the same paragraph, I think soaking wet boots might squeak against a marble floor rather than echo. Just a thought
later, she leaves, and after having her shoes dry against the plush carpet her feet can do all the echoing and slamming she wants.
Thanks for the review UFO! Asha is dark skinned, and I tried to make it as obvious as I could without screaming at the reader, but more detail could stand to be added. And just so you are aware, yes Asha is black, and yes Moon Face is pale, but Moon Face isn't the typical race either. Just wanted to get that out there because I know I didn't describe her well enough at all.
That's cool. I'm all for holding off details and letting my readers figure it out for themselves, so I'm not one to tell you that you MUST include details. Just that these are things that I noticed and questions that I asked myself while reading.
and there's nothing wrong with being indirect. Just be aware of it, and make heavy effort to write around it. It's your style, OWN it <3
Over all, your style is your own. I jump from third person to first person in my own story a lot whenever the characters read from the pages of a Compendium, because the characters in the book are actually reliving the memories on the page in first person, and I want my readers to kind of feel that when it happens. It may be confusing, but its stylistic, and that's ok.
Patrick Rothfuss is a great writer that comes to mind when it comes to stylistic writing. In one of his books, he has this character who is royalty. She's beautiful, busty, curvaceous and all around lust worthy. However, he never actually describes her in his narrative. At no point does he actually say shes any of those things. What he does is let characters make little comments about her that eventually add up to a full description and its completely intentional. It adds her to her mystery and her level of unattainable beauty in that shes never fully described, shes just.... so damn beautiful, its hard to put into words? And his style makes the reader feel that way. Its brilliant.
Rue, from the hunger games, was described similarly. There was no direct indication that she was black, only that she was dark skinned. And the rest was descriptive of her ethnicity without any actual direct reference to her race. In my opinion, that's how it should properly be done. I don't need people to tell me 'shes black' only give me enough information to make that inference for myself, which i think your story did only it was... patchy? I mean to say, it was spread out. Took me a while until the moonface comment to really pin it down, and even that now isn't necessarily a turning point as you've said that a moonface was an atypical race as well.
So point being, its really on you to determine how exactly you want to do that
Sup, Stormcloud. It's your girl, Caitlin, coming in with a review.
First off, I love the name Asha from the minute I read it. It's a beautiful name.
I'm not going to make this a big deal, but I noticed that in the beginning there were many mentions of the rain which was a little repetitive.
Cool, she's a mage, I think I'm gonna like this story.
"You were three years into your training if I remember correctly...and I always do."
This High Mage guy sounds pretty intense.
I take it she was counting on this job. I just met Asha and I already feel so sorry for her. No job, a moldy apartment, no backup plan.
All in all, it was a good first chapter. I can't wait to read the next, keep up the good work!
Hey Storm, nit-picks first:
This isn't that important but you mentioned rain a lot in the first few paragraphs so it feels a little bit repetitive. Maybe something specific about how the rain was getting in her eyes or something.
I really like the idea behind this sentence (surprising expectations) but I don't know if it quite comes off. It makes sense now because I've looked at it a couple of times, but maybe something like. "Wild curls sprung free. They were tightly coiled - and Asha's pain in the ass." It's good to defy the reader's expectations, but because the sentence all rolled together it took me a moment to realise that it was meant to be disjointed. Whereas a break like this would give a split second where you realised that something was going to be different, which would give it more impact.
This description is good but cut off a little suddenly. It would be good to have Asha speculating about what she could here, because it would let me know how whether she is nervous or just curious about this.
You don't really need the "he" I've put in bold.
This sounds like it's in first person, which is quite odd. A third person version would be something like "If she was honest".
My personal preference is to put thoughts in italics, but it's not a rule or anything (afaik).
"regard" seems a bit technical. "watch" would do. Or if you'd rather something more specific, maybe "gaze at"?
It feels a bit weird to tell me that since I just saw this myself. Maybe something more specific like "jobs for someone like her"? That's just a thought though.
Overall:
Character: I get a very good sense of Asha's frustration. It's also good that you introduce it fairly slowly what her frustration is about, because it shows that she's literally the same as anyone else, and makes her alienation also alienation of the reader. I also get that she seems kind of cool (referring to her hair as a pain in the ass) and I'm definitely invested in her. The guards' varied reactions were also good. The High Mage was a bit cartoonish but I'm not going to complain about making fun of racists
Setting: Also good. The weather sets the tone well and you do pretty much the right amount of description of both the palace and her house. Nothing too much to add here.
Plot: This is a fairly simple but very engaging plot line. Person is discriminated against, person seems cool, people who are discriminating against are jackasses. I can absolutely get on board with this and hope that you bring out all the different complex aspects of Asha's situation
Flow: Pacing also good. Bit more time given to her walk home, maybe some of the everyday prejudice she faces on the streets, might have been nice, but fine other than that.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks for the review! (I should get to your later today) I'm glad it was apparent that it was discrimination becuase I didn't want it to be super in your face, but it needed to be clear what was happening. I'm a bit dissatisfied with the way Asha came off, but I have plenty of time to play around with her character, and this is only the first chapter. This did help a lot, so thanks again!
No problem