Lady Ifrit: Chapter I: Sanctuary

i thought it was interesting enough. your stories are very original as far as i can tell. they just don't seem to catch my attention though. i likes the end though. good way to end the chapter.

Hey man, I feel like I owe you for reading my stories so I wanted to review one of your works. I like the story, kind of reminds me of back when I lived in New Jersey and we had to pass through Newark, scary place.

Anyway, there are some spelling errors and I was startled a bit when you threw the "N word" in there so suddenly but none of that took away from the story. Oh, and nice reference to Counter Strike, haven't played that game in a bit.

I hope you'll let me know if you post the second chapter or if you already have.

Hey, good story - but. . . *laughs* yeah, there's ALWAYS a but, I found the "he, him, his" repetitive. . . in the first paragraph alone, there are 8 of them.

Also, the flow of scenes are confusing.

If Espona is only 2 blocks away from Zane, why bother sending a txt message?

Why did Zane need to go to McDonalds? The scene is kinda useless to me.

And then the Rochelle? I mean, what the? Why would she come into his house, and then leave? . . .

Anyways - at least your diolouge and spacing is good.

Keep on keeping on!

jai

Squallz wrote:Chapter I: Sanctuary

Zane rolled his way down the sloping streets of Ashville Hill. The dark canopy of leaves rustled in the night breeze, sheltering him from the slightest glimpse of moonlight. Under the silence of the night, he crept his way through the clearing; the grass damp from the afternoon rain. When he had reached the other end of the park, he leapt over the metal chains of the barrier surrounding the car park. He drew the hood of his white coat up and gazed through the blanket of darkness, readying himself for slightest sign of movement.

This was a very nice opening, very mysterious and attention grabbing. You might want to slow the descriptions a bit so you dont weigh it down, but other than that it looks good. Try and think of another word for park. It sounds funny so close togehter.

The sole of his sneakers scraped the uneven gravel as he continued his way, hands deep within the pockets of his jeans. He had arrived at an intersection where it was illuminated in veils of white light surging from the power poles. You might want to be more clear. I know what you're talking about but others might not. Try and make sure and include that there is almp attached to the pole, otherwise it sounds like the poles are sparking. Zane was caught in the middle of a wind storm. Cars swept past him without so much of a warning, sending a gust of wind that had merely wisp his silver hair. That was odd. I get the meaning but the choice of words doesn't relate to the action very well. Your words don't support each other so it loses its meaning and get's confusing.

Unharmed by the assault, he confronted the post. The palm of his hand slammed the button and activated the lights.

At the same time, something inside the side pocket of his coat vibrated. He reached in, pulling out his cell phone. Like always, he pressed a button and the screen brightened [s]up[/s], displaying the message that he had a new unread text.

He pressed the button again and began reading [s]the text[/s].

Ok. I’ll be coming to your place in the morning.

As expected, the sender was Espona.

The text had spiraled to Zane the moment Espona hit ‘send’. Two blocks down the road, [s]Espona[/s]she was zooming down in her Ferrari. As the traffic lights at the intersection turned yellow, Espona stepped on the breaks and the car screeched to a halt.

“Damn it!”

Annoyed that she was stopped by yet another set of traffic lights, she clenched her fists and hammered the steering wheel. Moments later, the cars on her left started moving. She clutched the wheel[s],[/s] tighter as the cars kept passing by. A slight breeze washed over her as a black Cadillac slowed down next to her.

“Yo! What up mama’s lady?”

He turned to face Espona, revealing his moustache and bulldog like nose. He wore a black cap which he then turned the brim to the side, a thick, black leather jacket hiding his thick arms. It was open, exposing his white T shirt. He wore several gold rings on his finger, a golden dollar sign chain around his neck and black shades. The other two at the back were slimmer in build, wearing the same type of clothing, but without the fancy accessories.

*smacked for a sterotyped description* Just kidding. You kinda dumped all of that on top of us at once. Not a good idea. If this guy isn't a major character i suggest reducing his description because it's not totally important what he looks like.

The twosome carried a boom box, spreading vibrating beats in the area. The lyrics were familiar to Espona. It was one of the many gangster raps [s]music [/s]that her cousin listened to.

Breathing in the smell of burnt cigarettes, Espona knew they were gangsters.

“Not much,” she smiled, brushing her hair away from her eyes. She was not in the mood for gangsters. Not now. You've said gangster like thre times and it's not really flowing very well. I hate to say use the slang version, but i think you might need to in order ot achieve the affect you are seeking.

“Where you going?” he asked. He took his shades off and looked at Espona more closely.

“Has my reputation grown so much during these last five years?” she thought.

“Not much, just heading to the strip club.”

Desperately seeking something to avoid further communication, she put on her pair of night shades.

The cars on the left had stopped to the lights and now the cars to her right areTense change! AHH! moving. Looking through the gaps in the wired fencing near the metal barriers of the road, there was a cooling tower venting non-radioactive water vapor. To the right were some cylindrical containment buildings, housing the nuclear reactor; a testament of her parents working away their freedom to the government.

I'm glad you included the bit on her parents. It helped add to the character and made your description not so random.

She looked at the hands of her silver watch. The cars once again had stopped. It was her turn to move. She readied her foot on the accelerator and tightened her hands on the steering wheel.

“Oh shit, they found us!” One of the gangsters at the back pointed behind him, his eyes were wide and his jaws dropped.

“Mother,” but his voice became distant from the sudden roar of their engine. The driver faced Espona once again and quickly shouted “C’z up B’z down gal!” In a flash, he did the cripz sign with his hands and drove off, sending a cloud of gas with flames spewing from the exhaust pipe. The sound of sirens grew louder as a police car raced up the highway, ignoring all the traffic controlling the area.

The smoke gradually cleared away and the police car disappeared into the crowd of cars, dodging anything in its way. What were they on about? Tonight, she was wearing a blue bra top, or were they referring to her Ferrari?

"Yeah...C'z up B'z down."

The lights turned green and Espona pressed on the accelerator, rotating the steering wheel to the left. She drove on, eventually passing the sign that said:

Ashville Cemetery, 15 Km

Meanwhile, the police closely followed the flaming tail of the gangster’s Cadillac.

“Yo dogs, throw some shit over.”

The driver slammed his foot onto the accelerator. The fire had raged into a flame thrower, violently licking the windshield of the police car.

Standing outside McDonalds, Zane was leaning on a stone pillar. He heard the sound of screeching tires and jerked his head towards the road. The police car curved left and right, avoiding the flamethrower erupting from the exhaust pipe and the pieces of equipment being thrown overboard. Zane kept a stern face, his silver fringe concealing the hatred in his eyes.

He focused his attention back onto McDonalds and advanced into the entranceway of the premises. He pushed the door open and the smell of fried chips sizzling away in fatty oils [s]had[/s] heralded his arrival.

In the corner of restaurant, sitting behind the giant landscape portrait of Ronald McDonald and his friends flying through space, there was a clique of students that were in the same school as Zane.

Their presence had caught Zane’s eyes once more.

“What are those noobs doing here?” he thought. Their spiky black hair, the heavy massacre around their eyes, their grayish-white skin, Zane knew instantly they were gothic. He felt the anger rise up in him. No matter how intimidating they looked, they were cowards deep inside. The gunmen had killed many innocents. Everyone fled, except a few. Did they still have a right to terrorize those they encounter with their demonic appearance? Should they be exposed as the weaklings as they are?

Zane lusted to own them all, just like player killing on World of Warcraft or even Counter Strike. But to obtain true redemption, he has Another tnese change to confront the gunmen, face to face. It was them that Zane held responsible for stripping his pride away, but more importantly a large fragment of his life that he cherished most dearly. With the deaths of the Coopers still consuming him, he walked his way through the labyrinth of red velvet rope and stood at the counter, waiting to order.

“Good evening.”

“Yeah. I would like a Quarter Pounder Combo with large fries and a large drink.” He was startled by the appearance of the girl who was serving him. She looked vaguely like Espona and Rochelle, but she was nowhere as beautiful as them. As she beamed a smile, it showed a mouth reminiscent to that of his neighbor’s bitches after the owner had taken them for a walk. It had disgusted Zane.

I think dogs could be a pleasant substitute for b****

“Hehe, cool. Anything else?”

“Na. Eat here please.”

“That’ll be six fifty.”

Zane drew his wallet out and tossed the note onto the counter. After he collected his change, he grabbed the empty cup and crossed over to the machine. He pulled the leaver; ice tumbling its way down and crashed into [s]Zane’s[/s]his cup. He then filled his cup with coke and placed the cup on the counter. After positioning himself so that the cup was hidden, he reached into another pocket of his coat and got out a glass vial. A pop was made as he pulled the cork out and poured a clear solution into the black liquid fizzling in the cup.

His cell phone vibrated once more. The alarm had been triggered. Zane now only has an hour left by himself.

*stabs Squallz for having another tense change*

Thanks for the feedback so far guys. I have extended Chapter 1 of the story by another 1.5k words to provide more support for the story and Chapter 2 itself.

Hey. You asked me for a read over, so... here I am! I'm just reading over this now, and I'm impressed. It's really riveting, keeps me reading. I've only found a few things. At least, I think they're things. xD

Standing on her tippee toes

I know that's a word, but I'm not sure if you spelt it right. if you've checked a dictionary, then you'll be right, but the one below's the only one I found online. Maybe if it isn't, you can just put tip?

–noun
a person who receives a tip, as of money or information.

Did he saw you?”

Did he see you?"

She peered through the window, noticing the shadowy outline of a bridge. She pressed the nearest button and the bus stopped at the nearest bus stop. She stepped out and panned her surroundings.

You might want to look at your sentance beginnings there. All begin with she. More diverse sentance beginnings help keep a reader's attention.

The pendulum rocked side to side as the clock ticked in the silence between them.

I don't think there's anything wrong there, but I like: from side to side. And, I really love that sentance lol.

So, yeah. That's all I saw. But hopefully the next part won't take long. I know you're working on it now. That makes you more dedicated than me. Anyways, good work. I hope this helped.

-Mat

and pimples that had erupted throughout his face

confused as to what he desired.

sleeve of her jumpier

The sky flashed white and in the shadowy horizon, bolts of lightening ripped off in all directions. A sudden explosion was followed, roaring and crackling.

“Relax; it’s only thunder and rain.”

In his hand was his cell phone still displaying the text message that Rochelle had sent earlier.

He was antsy.

made a serve around the corner;