Prologue
The mornings had not been the same ever since a white-sea mist enshrouded the bay. The sky was dark and the stars shadowed by the clouds. Rain water filled craters in the sand. The moat around the ruins of a sand castle was overflowing as it streamed through the cannels and into the sea. It was only drizzling, but before it had been heavy.
In the horizon, towering waves surged for the coastline. Great bodies of water slammed onto the rocks, spray flying in all directions.
“But does she feel close to me?” I thought to myself as I stood in silent dismay at the top of the cliff. In my right hand, I clutched the mirror even tighter. The wind grew exceedingly strong and sent the droplets of rain my way.
The villagers may find me strange standing in the torrent with only my nightwear on while they lie in their cosy warm beds, sleeping under the spell of the storm. I guess those that understood the whispering of the ocean would be standing next to me now, but as anyone would see, I’m alone.
It’s ironic, really. They, as living beings rely on water for cleansing, for drinking and for recreational activities. If it weren't for water, our world would be nothing but volcanic valleys and mountains.
And yet, water was their natural enemy. The wave struck the village two years ago, decimating the buildings and tearing away the vegetation from the coastline. It came suddenly and purged the village. The waters soon receded, along with piles of bricks and the weak. Those that lived on the higher parts of the plateau were lucky, for they were safe from the wave. Then, the outbreak of diseases came.
The rocky walls won’t last long. One day they too will be washed away with one mighty charge. Bit by bit they are being eroded. Look at them now, crashing for the main lands.
Was it an act of nature that the waves near the bottom of the world were that aggressive? Or were they after me? What is this...force that is behind the action of the waves?
I, myself, felt the concerns of the villagers, the fear of the waves finally breaking the defenses and wiping out the last of their civilization. But it was much more than that. They have lost many loved ones, friends and family alike, just like I did.
It was physically impossible to reach the lands at the bottom of the world. Any forms of transport were no match to the mighty elements that linger there, or so the villagers say. And yet, how did I end up here?
I remember being on a cruise liner returning to the main lands. My family and some of my friends and their families were on summer vacation on an island famous for its iconic scenery and as a popular tourist attraction.
It was very nice there, yet so hot. I was wearing a sun hat made of straw with an excessively large down turned brim, shades, a blue bikini top, walking shorts, and flip flops for my feet. My parents and friends worried that I would sunburn my back, but I did not, for my flowing hair was so long it shielded it completely. Many in my guild would say my hair was like a waterfall, because it was silky blue and shimmered in the sun.
The rooms in our hotel were so comfortable. The walls were made of brick which was a nice change to the boring wallpaper in my room. Pictures of various fish and of the island were pinned on the walls of our room. There was a balcony facing the beach. During the night, the breeze of the ocean would sweep into our rooms so the room was cool when we slept. I could hear the waves gently riveting the sands, influenced by the moon shining high in the jeweled sky.
We spent the days there going on the island tours, meeting and making new friends with the islanders there, getting to play in the fresh waters of the beach with my friends as we splash each other back and forth, but the best of all, shopping!
"Hey Waverly, check these out."
"Wait up guys; let me finish my ice cream."
They have such a great sense of fashion and their accessories were so exotic, so natural, unlike the artificial ones in the city's mall.
I was thankful to my family for organizing the trip and for inviting my friends. I was never alone and it was refreshing to experience another island's culture and lifestyle, which I may never see again. I loved them, but they were just plain, ordinary people really.
Anyways, we were returning to the main lands when slowly, storm clouds started forming in the distant. It was unusual, for the forecast magicians did not foretell the coming of a storm in the tropics.
And the next thing I knew, we were caught in the storm. I could hear screams erupting around me as the passengers crammed the main deck and I was squashed. I tried desperately to seek my family and friends within the crowd, but there were too many. I started getting seasick, due to the rocking of the boat caused by wave after wave striking the sides of the ship.
Then…I remember nothing, other than seeing darkness. And when I woke up…I was lying on some beach. I did not remember myself ending up in the ocean and struggling against the might of the waves, not even the slightest memory of it.
In fact, when I woke up, I was completely dry, which was strange. But that was the least of my worries. I soon realized that there was no way back to my home lands.
It has been three years, and I have been separated from my family and friends. Life was hard, for I have no one to express my feelings to, not in this world anyways. It pains me to think that I have no idea on what happened to them. Did they survive and make it to the main land, or were they sent to their watery graves?
I have nothing to hope that they were alive, except this feeling. Voices from the sea’s great beyond told me they were in a better place. They were right…to an extent. In our world, it was a popular belief that there were two realms, Life and Death. If you did not exist in Life, you existed in Death and vice versa. Those chosen could sense the presence of one’s Life force. However, there was a problem. I felt as though my family and friends existed in neither death nor Life, but somewhere in between. It cannot be. It was impossible in either magic or science that someone could exist in the Threshold that divides the two realms. It is like looking at a mirror. I am an entity existing in Life. My image may look like me, but it is an entity existing in Death. Then there was the mirror, acting as a Threshold. But you cannot exist inside the mirror, it was impossible. You were either staring at it, or as an image portrayed.
But really, Life was filled with hurt. Manipulated and controlled in every aspect. We were all born. We were raised by our parents, which were raised beforehand by theirs, being taught that growing up, being successful, getting a partner, having children and dying was the way to live.
But why must we have to do anything? It's just a means of control by some unknown force which we have yet to discover. We were trapped. No one can comprehend anything but the society we have been born into.
I can see that the waves at this moment were being controlled by this very force, doomed to sweep the beaches throughout the world until this force decides to set us free.
Waverly
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Yay!!! I finally read it!
This was really good! I can't wait to read the rest. Very interesting. And this was in Fantasy? I'm looking forward to see why.
The first paragraph was brilliant! You made me interested. I wanted to know why she was alone and where she was and what happened to her friends?
Good work!!!
(Is her name Waverly? jw)
There is something really cool about your writing that I can never really put a finger on. I'm not sure what it is, maybe the way you describe colors - it makes everything so vivid.
I have to apologize because I think in one of the future chapters I mentioned something about the introduction of Pikara's memory of a character named Waverly being a little too obvious, but when I read this it makes a lot more sense. Since she has already been mentioned, it's a lot more fitting that she comes up later - I thought that the mention of the girl was the first time her name had come up.
Most of the other guys who did line-by-lines caught most of the stuff I would have pointed out. I think the only thing you need to be careful with is your syntax; just make sure that your sentences sound natural when read out loud in addition to when they're read on the page.
So.. yeah, great job, keep it up. I can't wait to read chapter three! (Apparently there's candy. Candy is good!)
Hey, Andy. First off, I have have to say that this is awesome without any editing. Your descriptions are amazing. I've just been trying to focus on dialogue, lately. xD The first paragraph seemed really artistic.
Rain water filled the craters in the sand.
Most of the things I have to say are optional, and may make the story better or worse, depending on the reader. Here I don't think you need the first 'the.' It kind of makes the sentance sound strange.
“But does she feel close to me?” I thought
Just a preference here: a lot of people I know put thoughts in italics. Then it saves from having to say 's/he thought' a lot.
for they were safe from the wave.
waves, plural?
Then, the outbreak of the diseases came.
Once again, I would cut a 'the.' Maybe the second one this time.
What is this...force that has behind the action of the waves?
That sentance confused me a little. If you're trying to say what I think you are, then maybe: "...force that is behind..."
or so what the villagers say.
I don't think the what is needed there.
making new friends from the islanders there,
As always, not actually needed, but I think you could replace 'from' with 'of.'
and that I have been separated from my family and friends.
Get rid of that 'and,' I think.
After that, there's nothing. I loved everything in this, especially the part about the mirror.
It's really interesting, so I'll probably read more soon. Sorry if most of my crit is a bit useless lol.
-Mat
The line-by-line crits have already been done so I'll give you some generic feedback as a reader rather than an editor.
Your descriptions are the strong point of the Prologue. The opening is really captivating and I can see hints to pathetic fallacy in order to reflect character mood.
The first person narrative was done well however what I really disliked was the rollercoaster of funny then serious all through - I think you should go for all serious using devices that you demonstrate and cut out the humour cos' its just messing with what is a decent piece.
The opening paragraph doesn't seem to fit with the diaryesk style. Again I think its either one or the other, go for a total diary with no setting or include more setting and lessen the diary type tone.
Best of luck. *Goes to find the next two chapters*
The descriptions were wonderful and I can't wait to read more. I have the same question as Rieda.
yay!
I finally got the chance to read this! I love it!
Your description is great!
no ice cream..dang..
Well..I really liked your description, and I think this sets up a good story!
~PN
Hadn't had time to respond to this. The reason why Waverly (not the main character) was able to get sick despite her affinity is that the force which acted at that time was something other than elemental based. You can say it is "unknown." As a result she got seasick regardless.
Also, the elipses was only a little experiment. I'm trying to aim the story with a mix of seriousness and some relaxing scenes as I personally don't like reading something so heavy.
First off, violent misuse of ellispes!! That is '...' a technique for suspense in an unsuspensful story, it just doesnt work, Disrupts the flow.
There were quite a few minor errors, that I think you should go over and edit.
I found it odd as well, first the diary-esque style, which I didnt entirely like, and the fact that the protagonist was a girl, was also a shock lol. Not in a bad way though. You mention a guild, briefly, but then say nothing more on tha matter and the content verges from comical to serious so violently that it doesnt evoke a reaction from either.
I think you should decide one, serious or not serious. You could pull of both I think. I like the serious side though, there's a spiritual feel to the girl that I lke. What I also notice is that sometimes you verge between her being self aware of power and unaware. Again, a choice has to be made there.
Eg, you seem to be giving the idea that she has an affinity for water and perhaps power there but the she gets seasick?
Anyway, on the whole, it was okay, but it can be better if those aforementioned choices are made...
Take care!
Posted a quarter of chapter 1.
its wonderful i cant trully find anything wrong, not even aspelling error,(im bad a speeling when writing something.......) keep up the good work!
I didn't know the character was girl unitl i read this paragraph. I dont think you need the part in red. A bit to much info i think.
You need a comma in between the first red. and the second red is messing with the flow and I dont see it's importance.
I really liked the description of the ocean and the sky. Very nice.
If it's red I asy delete it. I think the Green from should be a with and the yellow is cause i thought you were at the ocean with salt water.
You changed tense in this sentence. Have should be had.
you dont need the for. It justs blocks up the flow.
I cant takes it! please get rid of the Anyways. If it was dialouge it wouldn't be so bad but right there seems so wrong. Orange=distance. get rid of the for too.
The green: Deck, I was squashed
Blue: To many what. Needs to a bit more specific
Purple: It's a bit wordy and really drags your flow. It could be split into 2 very nice sentences.
I liked it a lot. There is a pretty strong foundation and it hink it can develop into something very epic.
CCF Sponsored Crit
So, I found the prologue really fun to read, especially with the ice cream. ^^
I like what you told me in chat about the future of the story, so keep it up.
Working on it now ^^
Man... to be separated from icecream... oh and your family too, I suppose
It's great. When are you posting the next part?
Oh wowee! That was really good! I can't tell you HOW many times I have been trying to develop my story into something like this! Not ideawise, but your flow and choice of words! I love the way you describe every little detail, from the beaches and tsunami to the mirror and life itself!
No doubt about it.
Fantastic job! You are very talented, and I enjoyed this story from beginning to end. It was a fun read and very entertaining! Keep it up!
You're awesome.
*~Aquarius Angel~*
I read this already, so your wondering why it didn't take me too long to critique it. Is this based off Final Fantasy 12? I liked how you fully described everything.
Keep writing!
no i dont, but i wish i did...
I don't really like the "I mean sure" here. It sounds awkward, and the sentence is fine with out it.
Should be weren't instead of wasn't.
Came suddenly sounds better to me than came so sudden. You say "many were swept away" and also that the weak were swept away. Maybe you could think of a way to say both at once?
Since this is in present tense, it would be 'are' instead of 'were' here.
It sounds like she's wearing walking shorts on her feet. XD I'd add a comma after shorts.
Nice story! I like the way you switch from present, to past, to memory without making it clunky sounding. Your transitions are smooth and natural.
The narrator's voice seems a little bland. I see that she's sad, but I don't really get her personality. Maybe you could add some dialogue to her flashback of the shipwreck, maybe her talking for the last time with one of her parents? That's just an idea. I think anything like that would give me more insight about Waverly.
Thanks for posting!
-Jenna
I love the added bits. I often think about that kind of stuff... But then I think too much. we are munipulated... by advertising, peers, parents, school, the government....
The bold words at the beginning don't seem to fit in both as appropriate dialogue and because it strikes me as something you'd say after something else.
I'm not sure how to describe this exactly, but it doesn't seem right. Just too vague, I guess.
This attire doesn't seem appropriate to the scenario (unless you were talking about Red Sonja...
I think the sentence structure could be revised here, especially omitting the word 'back.'
eg. "My parents and friends worried that I would sunburn my back, but I did not, for my flowing hair was so long it shielded it completely." Or something along those lines. Back doesn't need to be said twice (thrice) because we already know that's the topic.
The last part would sound better without 'metallic.' And merely putting "artificial" rather than "artificially made" would be more eloquent.
That anyhoo really doesn't fit. "We were returning back" should just be "we were returning," since the 'back' makes it redundant.
You made a typo of 'distance' as well.
"Scream" and "shriek" are fairly similar words so you should use something like "screams erupted."
I think I noticed through out that some shifts between past and present tense rather than maintaining the one.
As for the story itself, it was interesting and the narrator was likable. The message that she put across was engaging and intriguing.
But is it a prologue or just a small piece you did for school? I don't think it works very well as a prologue because of the way the the narrator comes to a conclusion, and it doesn't really appear to be the beginning of a story but rather an isolated incident. As a piece on its own, however, it works well.
Good job bob.
It's good. No doubt about that. But have you thought of keeping some of the details a mystery? I love books that only give you tantalizing tidbits about one thing or another. But then again, It's nice to know the character. Maybe you should consider her having a secret or something?
Other then that, It's a excellent prologue! again, I would like some action in the chapters... But then I'm an adrenaline junkie!
It's your story of course and these are only suggestions take what you will and forget the rest.
Love the floppy brim and bikini!
Great edits Andy. And I really like the new name. I can really sense the feeling you added. I'm actually sorry for her and yet excited. What is she going to do?!
This is a great fantasy, I mean when the just of the fantasy actually takes place, this will be really great. Awesome descriptions I say yet again.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Added some detail about their holiday and provided small hints of the environment of a certain part of the planet in my fantasy.
When I read the older version, it felt it was missing something.
andy-is it?
YOU should be giving ME tips!
I want to know more...
I love it. Great prologue. Make sure that the chapters themselves have lots of action. Philosophy has a time and a place- some forget that. But It's great where you've got it!
Reminds me a bit of Raymond E Fiest... But different.
You better write more I want to read it!
Nutty
andy... for fantasy... i love it!!
even though i pointed little details out, lol.
its good.
Wow this was great Andy! I love your descriptions and the perspective you put this in was superb. Is this like a diary entry? I noticed a name at the bottom so I'm assuming.
So far I really like this. It's a great way to start off and the idea of someone being on an abandoned island has to many great possibilities. Great job, I'm glad you've decided to start another story!
~Rieda