Young Writers Society


Angelsea I: The Last Sentinel (posted a bit of ch 2)

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Hi there. I have always been a fan of RPG games such as Final Fantasy. So I decided to attempt to write a fantasy story of myself. This is my very first fantasy novel and I hope you'll enjoy it.

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Angelsea I: The Last Sentinel

Prologue

“About time."

In a forgotten realm of Light, the Sanctuary floated among the clouds, surrounded by celestial citadels. The sky was dark and the stars shadowed by the storm clouds. Rain water filled the craters in the pavement. It was only drizzling now, but before it was heavy. A girl walked, interrupting the calm of the empty courtyard with the rattling of her arsenal of weapons. Her metallic boots chipped the edges of the staircase as she headed up.

A traitor of the Sentinels, she sided with the Shadowmeres for they promised her power. The Angels once promised to help her no matter what, but it became obvious that they knew nothing.

Standing between her was a blood stained door, unlocked by a simple wave. The door creaked open.

The hallway was long and dark. With a click of her fingers, magical flames of azure appeared, roaring in the torches.

At the end was the inner sanctum, engulfed by the shadowy mist of her cohorts’ magic. There was a giant dining table, disappearing deep into the mist. Red velvet banners suspended from the ceiling, torn and damaged. Towering stone pillars stood at regular intervals to support a ceiling lost in darkness.

She took a step into the mist and instantly saw nothing but scudding clouds of violet. She couldn’t hear her footsteps, couldn’t smell the marble walls, and not even feel her body touching her metallic armor.

But it was all still very familiar to her, except the sanctum was now a twisted mockery, the way she liked it.

She had reached the other end of the sanctum and walked on to the next corridor.

Already checked before, she doubled checked, seeing no one and continued for the tallest tower, where her senses were restored.

She fumbled through her pockets, withdrawing to what seemed to be a compass.

It glowed crimson as the arrow landed on one of the four symbols.

There was a burst of wind from behind. She could hear it swirling into one solid mass.

“My master’s biddings...arch jester,” she turned behind expectantly and saw a hooded figure standing in silent dismay.

The jester advanced forward, placing her hand on one of the weapons on her belt.

“I’ve hold myself true to my end of the bargain. Now pay up!” angrily pointing a finger at her contact.

The figure grinned.

“I never knew giving birth was that dreadful,” the figure muttered, "the mortals find the whole business of it rather...pleasurable'

His sepulchral voice echoed in the jester's, penetrating her thoughts of fear.

There was a moment of silence, stares looking at one another. They had nothing in common, except greed.

Keeping his end of the bargain, he reached for a small pouch.

“Here!” he snarled and carelessly threw the pouch.

The jester caught it, examining with greedy eyes, like a toddler with a new toy.

“What you seek is inside,” sounding more of an insult than a reminder. The rain started to turn into a torrent and he drew his cape tighter around him, dissolving into particles and disappeared.

The sky flashed white and in the shadowy horizon, bolts of lightening ripped off in all directions. A sudden explosion was followed, roaring and crackling. She embraced herself tight, along with the pouch.

In her right hand, the arrow spun again.

-------------------------Chapter 00---------------------------------------------

Forsaken, the village choked of isolation from technological advances and political corruption. Cities now tower high into the sky, inhabited by various races. Everything was built for the future, built for one purpose: Technological progress. What used to be a dream became reality. What used to be possible was considered impossible ever since magic was lost and forgotten. Siera, the planet known for its seismic circulation of water in deep underground cannels was classed as a 1st docile planet, because of its rich intergalactic resources and for providing ideal terrains for colonization of the humans.

This colony of humans were called “Sierians” However, being called a Sierian was not something to be proud of. It was an example of discrimination. Criminals, the unemployed, the poor and those unluckily chosen were sent to Siera. Under the order of the Senates, the unemployed workers were to provide hard working labor in extracting the resources on Siera to keep up with demands from their suppliers. Besides that, things were pretty much like it was on their former planet: Wake up, work, sleep. Despite the high tech and the pristine beauty of nature, there was no heart to it. No one cared for them, besides their families. The government had control of every one of them.

Rel was a remote village founded at the edge of the Ashkare Plateau, surrounded by the forest of Relwood. Huts were made from oak wood with straw roofs, the only resources available on the island. Outside some huts, there were wooden crates, barrels and other items of interest, since there was not enough storage room inside.

Most of the huts were scattered by the beach. Some were built above the cliff. Flights of stairs were carved into the cliffs to allow easier access to the group of huts at the top.

The sun started rising from the horizon of the sea, shining over the closed eyes of an eighteen year old teenager, waking by its light. His figure was tall and sturdy from the many years of swordplay, long golden hair flowed down his back and upper chest and eyes were solid blue.

Aries woke up with a start, drawing his curtains open to allow the light of Aira to flow into his room. After rubbing his eyes, he opened the window and was blasted by the wind coming from the beach.

How many days has it been since he was left standing along by the window to witness another sunny day? What was the point of experiencing the joys and wonders of the season when the feelings were not shared?

“Mother…”

But Cleo was very much like her mother. She would smile at him. She would pay him visits, but most importantly, she actually cares about him, unlike the others. His room was renovated by her. The curtains were a light pink instead of the usual white and flowers planted in woven baskets hung from the ceiling and some were streamed like ribbons.

His bed was double sized. Cleo would, at times, come over for a sleepover at his house. Aries didn’t mind though. In fact, he enjoyed it. Living alone for these last seven years can get depressing. It was just like his childhood, where he would sleep next to his mother when he was only three. Cleo was quite picky when it comes to pillows. Her pillow lay next to Aries. She would recommend Aries to change his pillow, for it was only plain white and it was just boring to her. Her pillow was shaped in a heart. Hearts and red were her favourites to use when it comes to handcrafting.

Reaching for the draw, he pulled it open revealing an amulet. Its string was threaded through a piece of crystal, dark blue with ancient symbols engraved. To this day, he never knew what the symbols meant, regardless that it was entrusted to him by his closest friend, Cleo.

Cleo settled into the village last summer, the time when it was much more prosperous than today. The children were merrily playing in the outdoors and vagrants made the last repairs to the huts from the winter’s storm. Unable to find peace that day, he retreated.

At the nearby lake, the waterfall cascaded, accompanied by the melodies of the rellybirds singing away in the trees. Everything was so peaceful, he thought. Aira, the sun of Siera shone high in the sky at this moment, kissing him and-

"Gazing at your reflection?" the voice came from behind.

He turned and saw a girl standing there, long silvery hair swaying in the wind. Instead of a dress, she wore white silky robes, complementing her hair. Her silver eyes were fixed on him, softly stroking her neck as she waited for a reply.

”What do you want?" he demanded, staring back at his reflection.

She approached Aries, helping herself to a spot next to him with a reasonable distance.

“The image is actually another you, gazing at a threshold splitting the two realms. Both you and your other half only think of it as an image, nothing more,” she said softly looking at the lake.

The waters ebbed calmly to the gentle summer breeze. Aries looked up, surprised. The girl smiled cheekily, shuffling closer to Aries. He felt uncomfortable at first until the smell of the fragrances grew so strong, it had relaxed him.

“You never know, I may be from the other side of the threshold, desperately seeking my way home.”

But his flashback was broken when he heard the children chanting his name. He straightened out the creases on his outfit and rushed outside, only to find himself surrounded.

“Yay! It’s Aries!” cried a kid with tanned skin and freckles.

Aries knelt down to pat him on his brown, sandy hair.

“Hey Mallow,” said Aries.

“Hey everyone, what’s going on?”

“Come play with us!” They shouted in unison.

Aries stood back and smiled nervously dreading what the children were plotting, muttering a curse under his breathe. Visuals flew in his mind of the possible things that they could possibly do to him this time.

“Ok I’ll count to a hundred,” he said with a huge smile, “go hide now!”

The children giggled with glee as they scattered in all directions.

The game had been played many times. Normally Aries would challenge Cleo to see who can find the most.

The children attempted in varying their hiding spots with each new game, little did they know that Aries purposely memorized all their usual hiding spots. He checked beneath the bridge by the stream and found another four there. One also hid inside a hollow log.

An hour later and he had found only sixteen of them. Obviously, the giggle of the children meant why he couldn’t find all twenty one of them within the hour.

He began checking places where he would not normally check. Twenty minutes passed and he discovered a secret entrance to a small cavern. The hole was small but he was able to adjust his body through. The last five hid in the cavern.

“Aww how did you find us?” they questioned in the frustration of getting caught.

“It’s called skills.”

Aries lead them back out of the cavern and escorted them back to the village with the traditional march.

Half way back to the village plaza, the bell rang. The maidens had finished cooking breakfast.

The game came to a close. Sounds of moaning and groaning came from the children. They were all caught too soon, an excuse to accuse Aries of cheating. Regaining his breath back, Aries counted the children, but he only reached the number twenty instead of the usual twenty one.

The children looked at each other in confusion as he counted again, more slowly this time.

A child was definitely missing when he finished counting. His heart was pulsating with fear, for the last thing he wanted now was to lose another villager to the pandemic. Staring off into the sacred forest over the cliffs, he considered the possibility of the child wandering off the village’s boundaries.

“Wait here guys!” he shouted while bolting for the forest.

“Aries, where are you going?” One of the maidens saw her. She was holding an empty pot with both hands.

“Afternoon Sena, don’t let the children eat my breakfast, I’m going for a run,” he lied absent mindedly and continued running.

When he disappeared to the trees, he couldn't hear Sena mumble "but the other maidens are expecting you..."

Without having to go into the woods, there were already two visible foot tracks parallel on the earth path. One was similar to the shape of his feet, but when he looked at the other track, chills pulsed down his spine, for they were like nothing he had seen. They stopped dead.

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Rel was just as deserted at night as it was in the day, lingering with the smell of unburied corpses. Next to the gravekeepers' hut, there was a collection of burning corpses. Aries crept his way past the dark grounds of the village, illuminated only by the flames on the torches placed near the stairs and outside certain houses. After climbing up several stairs, he reached Cleo’s hut, perched on a cliff.

“Who is it?”

The door swung open, stepping out of the house she was dressed in her pink night dress and wearing a rosy cap on her head. In her right hand she was holding onto a teddy bear with an adorable bow tie on its head.

“Oh, hi Aries,” smiling as she hid the teddy bear behind her back, her cheeks reddened.

Immediately, she rushed back inside to fetch her wooden staff and changed into her clerical white robes.

The first thing Cleo noticed when they arrived at the spot was the strange prints in the earth.

“Hmm these markings…they do look familiar,” she said holding a lantern over the tracks.

“Do you know what the creature is?” questioned Aries, his eyes narrowed.

She shook her head slightly… “No I don’t.”

Cleo had been away for the past week, helping out in Eldra, a neighboring village on the other side of the river. She returned this evening to find Aries and most of the villagers had gone out. While she waited, the vagrants that escorted her to and from Eldra prepared dinner. When they had returned, Cleo was informed by Aries of what happened during the last week, including the disappearance of Mabo, the grand son of one of the elders of Eldra.

Reva, a family in Eldra also disappeared during the week and hadn’t been heard of since.

“Cleo, stay here” said Aries and he headed for the woods, only to be stopped.

“Thinking of going without me?” Cleo was clutching onto his sleeve.

“What can you do?”

Did she dare tell him of her powers?

“We are friends…aren’t we?” She appeared as though she was about to cry.

Was friendship a necessity in life? It’s not like friends could resolve his past.

“Ok,” said Aries in a defeated voice, “you can come along…”

“Yay! Thanks” and she hugged him.

-----------:twisted: Dungeon: Northern Relwoods :twisted: ----------

There were many superstitions about the Northern areas of the woods. As a result they had become forbidden. Aries and Cleo walked passed a deserted shanty, once belonging to an old magician couple from Eternia whom died from unknown means. Their deaths frightened many, but the controversy grew stronger when the grave keeper went to collect their corpses for the cremation that never happened.

They came to a fork in the path. One leads left, the other leads right and yet, both leads into darkness.

Aries held his lantern high and panned from left to right. His face remained stern from the concentration.

“Left” declared Aries and headed for the left path, closely followed by Cleo.

It was simple which path to choose. Both paths lead somewhere so it didn’t really matter what one to choose. Really, it was a matter of preference. Right would always point the right way, a highly popular belief among the people of Seon.

Their feet crunched on the leaves as they walked down the winding path. Eventually, the trees looked like shadowy pillars towering high into the canopy. Aries noticed Cleo looked worried, she kept scanning her surroundings.

“What’s wrong Cleo?” he asked in consideration of her well being.

The air around Cleo felt musky and stale, drawing in gaseous death with every breath. Spiked pain lurched in her breast….then it was gone.

“…N-n-nothing” muttered Cleo, dismissing her feelings as paranoia.

Suddenly, a howl sounded among the trees.

The sword was drawn and brandished high in the dark. Peering into the darkness of the woods, the figure leaped snarling from the bushes. Aries was pinned to the ground under its weight, sharp paws made cuts to his mercenary outfit. It had dark purple fur with a streak of red; its eyes were a menacing blood red. The wolf’s mouth opened, revealing its drooling fangs and lunched for the bite. Aries summoned all his strength into his right arm and drove it to the hilt into the side of the wolf. A thick, googy liquid poured out from the stab wound as the wolf collapsed onto its side, dead.

“Aries, “said Cleo, “are you ok?” dragging the corpse off him.

“Yes…I’m fine” muttered Aries, pulling the sword out of the corpse, “…maybe you should head back?”

“No, I won’t!” protested Cleo, her stance became firm, “I can handle this trust me.”

But no girl can handle a shadow wolf, one of the many mysterious inhabitants of Siera. Their stealth is one of a kind, being able to become invisible to the eye during the night. The Senates introducing their own species on Siera to counter the threats of the monsters was a foolish move. It just meant that they were faced with these threats yet again.

The track started leading down hill, heading deeper into the forest. The undergrowth was thicker and so was the smell of decay, shadows of the plants hunched like monsters. They walked passed a boulder, allowing them to see a large circular clearing up ahead. At the centre was the child, held in a wooden cage, suspended from the ground by a wooden totem.

“Looks like a trap,” but Aries hadn’t heard her, for he was crashing his way through the undergrowth and into the clearing. However, movement caught his eyes.

Out of the shadows, an arrow was fired, striking the earth near his feet. From the trees came five goblins half his height, two of which were wielding bows. The rest held razor sharp blades, waving them viciously. The goblin that seemed to be their leader advanced forward to attack, missed as Aries confidently dodged the blow. Accustomed to his weapon, Aries casually swung the sword, posed for combat.

Quickly raising his right arm before him, the swordsman heard metallic ring as the tip of the arrowhead collided with the silver steel of his sword. Narrowing blue eyes at his assailant, the Sierian thrust the wooden hilt of his sword out, knocking his green-skinned foe off balance and promptly seized upon the advantage; chorded muscles flexed as the silver blade of his sword cleaved a deep gash across the goblin.

Among the privacy of the bushes, Cleo twirled her staff and it began to glow in a white light. Secretly, the enchantment was cast onto Aries.

To his surprise, the sword bared no weight. His attacks were much swifter now, the goblins were outmatched.

As the last foe collapsed before his feet and the earth was stained crimson, he surveyed the clearing to see if there were reinforcements. Reaching over his shoulder, Aries returned the sword back to his scabbard hung upon his back.

"Don't you think that was a bit too easy?" Cleo butted in.

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In the darkest corner, the grandfather clock counted the seconds that Cleo was left waiting for Aries to return with the medical kit. Her room was dimly lit by a lamp standing on her study table, surrounded by books, research notes and vials containing various types of fluids. There was a knock at the door.

“Come in,” called Cleo expecting Aries to finally return. Her hair swayed by the sudden draft of Aries opening the door.

“How’s the child?” asked Aries, hoping that it was good news

“He hasn’t woken since,” placing her tender hand on the child’s forehead, his fever still raged on.

Cleo took a small blood sample from the child’s arm and mixed it with a vial of poison indicative solution. Using her knowledge of beginner’s magic, the spell triggered a bubbling reaction. Both Cleo and Aries’ suspicion had been shown true. Just like the other villagers, the child was now another victim of the Poison.

-----------------------Chapter I: Sierian Conflict--------------------------------

Light surged through the blinds and into the cold blue room.

Cleo opened her eyes and saw the blankets Aries used for the night spread out on the floor, all crumpled up, along with her pajamas that he wore.

Beside her, the child laid, unconscious.

Groggily, she placed her hand on his forehaead like she did earlier in the morning.

“At least the fever’s not getting worse,” she muttered under lack of sleep.

She drew the blankets tighter and rested her eyes, peeking at her room from time to time for the light of the rising sun.

She started pondering of what today will bring. For starters, work was not on the agenda, which was a good thing, especially for a girl who transverses the plains of Eastern Seon, assisting the lives of the poor and the dying and helping with the magicians’ research.

Under inflexible laws, she was not guilty. But according to her heart, she was guilty for not being there for Aries. Those that live life only to see the next “present” only saw her as a valuable asset.

Deep inside, she ached of heart break, all those days of servitude, for what?

Were clerics remembered, like fallen heroes? Did they truly appreciate their help? Will they ever repent from their sins? Were they even paid fairly?

No, Cleo was not materialistic, but why was it considered less important compared to butchers, executioners, woodcutters, jobs that demonstrate violence and hatred?

Cleo was no sinner. It was one of her morals to show people the light.

On the other hand, all that time could have been spent mending the friendship between her and Aries.

She really missed those days when Aries was more open and friendly towards her. Last night was a devastating blow to her. Never has Aries decided to leave without her. Had Aries not seen that he was now part of Cleo’s second family?

Outside, the grave keeper worked into the mild mist of the morning.

The Poison made death a part of ordinary life. It had become a routine for grave keepers to dig holes and bury bodies. They demolished hut by hut, making room for new graves. The villagers complained at first, eventually coming to their senses when their loved ones died too.

It was a devastating pandemic that began in central Seon and spread throughout the Empire almost three years ago. At first, it appeared to be any common poisoning until the clergies realized that it was incurable with their current antidotes.

Eternia, capital city of magic and science soon became in charge of the antithesis against this new strand of poison. Many experiments were conducted. The magicians used many mythical creatures of Seon against their will in unnatural experiments, but little progress was made.

A year passed and the Poison had evolved into a form of green gas. Deaths became much more frequent, the magicians more desperate.

Finally, all hell broke loose when The Senate declared that at random, the clergy will pick citizens to be experimented on.

From this point onward, Eternia had become a dictatorship. Those that were chosen were locked in damp, decomposing cells deep within the dungeon. The over recruitment of test subjects meant the cells were often overcrowded. Some died by diseases, though they wished they had died before they faced the experimental chambers.

There, the specimen undergoes a series of both physical and emotional pain. They were stripped naked and injected with fatal solutions in a selfish act for data. It was unlikely one would had survived the first round of injections for the body would be disfigured and damaged severely or even mutated into a monstrosity.

The remains of the specimens were then placed into the furnaces as efficient fuel for the machineries.

Experimental death killed more than the poison did.

Now, Eternia was only an abandoned city among a few other cities, enshrouded within the green mist of the Poison.

The survivors had retreated to the desolate areas of Seon behind the mountain range, shielded from most of the Poison.

By now, the sun was a golden orb, translucent behind the white curtains.

Cleo left the insulation of her blanket and started picking up the sleepwear lying on the floor.

“Can’t even appreciate my pajamas,” moaned Cleo and chucked them into the washing basket.

While she was tidying up the cranny, she found a basket, made from brown rattan and bamboo, and it is fully lined with quilted cotton.

Her face lightened up. An idea struck her.

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Aries loved the convergences of ocean and the land. A torrential wave riveted the sand, retreated and another came.

Conflicts raged within the Empire as he sat, staring peacefully at the ocean. In a moment of passion, he grabbed a handful of sand. Anything which existed could be held or embraced. His family was alive once, that is until something tragic happened. He released the sand.

“I thought I’d see you here.”

Cleo wore a sunhat and shades, but still dressed in her robes as though she was shy to expose her skin.

Aries looked at the picnic basket she was holding.

“What’s with the basket?” he asked stupidly.

“Care to join me in an afternoon picnic?” she retorted, smiling.

She opened the basket and pulled out a blanket. Together, they laid it gently onto the sand.

He felt the urge to eat, realizing the emptiness in his stomach as Cleo started fishing out the contents in the basket. Food stacked in front of him: Chocolate chip cookies, loafed bread, two bowls of fruit salad and-

“Nice, roast chicken,” hungrily inching closer. By now, his mouth started watering. Aries kept sniffing. He could smell the wonderful aroma of cooked chicken fresh out of the oven, combined with the sharp fragrances of various herbs found in Seon.

Cleo chuckled and placed a hand over her mouth. “You’re really are hungry aren’t you?”

Comments & reviews · 30
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User avatar
Nutty
Review
Nutty wrote a review · Fri Mar 16, 2007 6:48 am

I enjoyed it. It was a bit confusing... It jumped around a lot.
What is the relevance of the jester?
Interesting, making Aries the guy. And is Cleo linked to the original Aries? (FFVII)
I got confused. At one point, Aries was fighting goblins. Then he was in Cleo's hut.
It was good though, (not as good as Esper's) and I want to know more.

User avatar
shadowstorm
Comment

It moves a bit quickly and could use some more organizing perhaps, but I believe it is a story with a lot of potential.

User avatar
Squall
Comment

Right now I have added more detail to the prologue. I'm still deciding whether I should do the same for chapter 1 or do it for chapter 2.

Anyhoo I'm writing more at the moment, been busy with Final Fantasy 12.

Random avatar
jord
Review
jord wrote a review · Sat Feb 24, 2007 7:57 pm

i really enjoyed reading this, it was very imaginative. I really think you need to set the scene more as there isnt much that describes it. although this can sometimes be a good thing as it leaves the reader to make up their own mind about the setting.

User avatar
KingKamor
Review

(Sheesh, lay off the caffine, people. :? )

The beginning didn't really grab me, and it was difficult to read, since you put breaks between almost every sentence in the prologue. It was also pretty fast-paced without paying much mind to the scenery. Remember, too much description is bad, but too little description is worse.

Other than that, I liked the interactions with the characters. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

User avatar
Charlie II
Review

Standing between her was a blood stained door, unlocked by a simple wave and the door creaked open.

Hmmm, I’d replace the ‘and’ with a full stop to break up the sentence for added tension.

She doubled checked, seeing no one and continued for the tallest tower.

A bit confusing with the double checking.

“I never knew giving birth was that dreadful,” the figure muttered, "the mortals find it...pleasurable."

Lol we discussed this!

His supulchral voice echoed in the jester's mind and she felt scared.

Small spelling error (I think) you need ‘sepulchral’.

There was a moment of silence, stares locked at one another.

This doesn’t really work. Eyes can lock together, they could stare at one another but stares don’t really lock.

Keeping his end of the bargain, he reached for a small pouch.

“Here!” he snarled and carelessly threw the pouch.

The jester caught it. She examined the pouch with greedy eyes, like a toddler with a new toy.

The repetition of ‘pouch’ is sort of annoying and distracts from what is happening.
Also, maybe take the last line and make it into one sentence so it flows more.

“What you seek is inside,” sounding more of an insult than a remainder

Reminder? I think it's a typo.


Interesting so far, not a major hook but it has enough mystery to keep me reading. I'll do the next chapter when I can be bothered.

DarkLight

User avatar
TellATaleForTwo
Comment

The Northern areas of the woods were forbidden for superstitions.

lol
we spoke about this...
oh whats that?
oh your fixing it now?
oh goody!
i know.
im retarded.
lol
~Tina

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Squall
Comment

I like to thank Ending Karama. If it wasn't for you mate, I wouldn't have pushed myself to my limit in developing the story to it's fullest potential.

Thank you for giving me the awakening I need to become a much better writer and sorry that I was kinda annoyed at first.

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Ending-Karma
Comment

Tell ya what, I'm not too proud to admit a mistake. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe I should have posted the positive things; however, there are already so many posts and they're all point out the same good qualities that I saw, I didn't see a reason to restate it.

However, if that's what you're looking for, then, yes, I do agree with the positive things that have been mentioned. Your way with wording provides a nice, interest read. You've corrected some mistakes and improved it a good bit. However, that has already been stated. I felt like I had some ways to offer you to improve on it that others haven't mentioned so I just posted those instead of reitterating things that had previously been stated. Slight misunderstanding.

Now, I do have an issue with the big spectacle being made out of this. I mean, Squallz, you could've messaged me in privately and the situation could have been handled MUCH more professionally. However, the real problem arises when everyone begins to throw their two cents in the pot. Heh.

Regardless of that, you show great promise and I look forward to seeing this develop.

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Loose
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ok

1) grif, i dont get it.

2)both of you just chill out.

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Squall
Comment

Ending-Karma wrote:Until now, I have yet to type the word naive. I apologize for critiquing it. I'm not trying to start a bash war here, so I'm hoping (assuming) that we are all civilized young adults and can handle this type of thing.

With that said, good ole Webster says "critique" is a "detailed evaluation" or "review." Therefore, I gave you a critique. I gave my evaluation. Take it for what it's worth.

Next time, let me know whether you want a critique or praise; if it's just praise, I won't bother. Isn't the purpose of this website to develop talent not be melodramatic over a review that wasn't 110% positive?


And yet you couldn't even point out BOTH the positive and the negative?
Well whatever I don't have time to argue over this.

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Griffinkeeper
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Cool it down people. Squallz, EK was giving you an honest critique. All critiques should be taken with a grain of salt.

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Ending-Karma
Comment

Until now, I have yet to type the word naive. I apologize for critiquing it. I'm not trying to start a bash war here, so I'm hoping (assuming) that we are all civilized young adults and can handle this type of thing.

With that said, good ole Webster says "critique" is a "detailed evaluation" or "review." Therefore, I gave you a critique. I gave my evaluation. Take it for what it's worth.

Next time, let me know whether you want a critique or praise; if it's just praise, I won't bother. Isn't the purpose of this website to develop talent not be melodramatic over a review that wasn't 110% positive?

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Loose
Comment

squallz! relax, ok? karma said fantasy wasnt their thing, so they couldve critiqued how they would say, romance fiction or horror. Dont get all worked up.

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Squall
Comment

Ending-Karma wrote:Maybe it's just because fantasy fiction isn't my cup of tea, but I didn't really get into this. It was mildly enjoyable, but that's stretching it a tad for me. It's odd because I really enjoy RPG games, but not this.

It just seemed... bleh, it was lacking the fine details. As Jules has said, it moved too quick. At times, it felt as if it were just a screenplay.

Also, it's a major pet peeve of mine: If it's not dialogue, one sentence does NOT vouche for a new paragraph. :)

Contrary to popular belief, the entire book doesn't have to be action. It doesn't have to be a high paced adventure. Even in the games, there are scenes of relaxation and character development. I feel like a slower pace is in dire need.

Slow your roll and let it flow. Sometimes a dialogue scene that tells of the protagonist's past can consume an entire chapter.


What made you think this was all action? You think I'm that naive? I only made the dialogue fast because it was really not necessary to add so much detail at this stage. Chapter 1 was fast because it was merely an intro to the poison.

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Ending-Karma
Review

Maybe it's just because fantasy fiction isn't my cup of tea, but I didn't really get into this. It was mildly enjoyable, but that's stretching it a tad for me. It's odd because I really enjoy RPG games, but not this.

It just seemed... bleh, it was lacking the fine details. As Jules has said, it moved too quick. At times, it felt as if it were just a screenplay.

Also, it's a major pet peeve of mine: If it's not dialogue, one sentence does NOT vouche for a new paragraph. :)

Contrary to popular belief, the entire book doesn't have to be action. It doesn't have to be a high paced adventure. Even in the games, there are scenes of relaxation and character development. I feel like a slower pace is in dire need.

Slow your roll and let it flow. Sometimes a dialogue scene that tells of the protagonist's past can consume an entire chapter.

Enjoyed it but i believe that it moved a bit too quick for my liking.

slow down the plotline a bit and expand on the details.

i also got a little confused when it went from him entering a forest to someones house.

Bu tlike i said i enjoyed it my type of rading. looking forward to more of the same stuff.

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tzmanda
Review
tzmanda wrote a review · Thu Feb 15, 2007 6:49 pm

Okay, Well I guess I'll start by saying that I really enjoyed it.

I would have to agree with some of the other reviews that the explainatins are sometimes just a bit too long where there could be some action.

There are also some gaps in the story, for example when Aries is fighting the goblins I couldn't help but wonder what Cleo was up to.

Other than that it's great!! I like the character's names and I think the storyline is great.

I can't wait for the next part!! :)

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Jennafina
Review

Prologue:

At the end of the hallway was the grand hall.

You say 'hall' twice. :evil:

Tears flowed down the side of her smooth cheeks and she escaped…

I don't think this is the best time to talk about her cheeks being smooth. It slows it down.

Chapter 1:

What used to be a dream became reality thanks to technology.

I'd add a comma after reality.

There was an amulet, threaded through a piece of crystal, dark blue with ancient symbols engraved.

I don't really understand what it looks like. How can an amulet be threaded through crystal?

A child was definitely missing when he finished counting the last child and only reached the number twenty again.

Child more than once in one sentence. :evil:

She shook her head slightly, “No I don’t.”

There should be a period instead of a comma after slightly.

“…n-n-nothing” muttered Cleo, dismissing her feelings as paranoia.

Capitalize the first N, please. :)

Ack, I have to go. I'll post the rest of this in the mornin, as well as the stuff that isn't line-by-line.

-Jenna

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Fan
Review
Fan wrote a review · Wed Feb 14, 2007 6:29 am

I think the idea behind this story is very good. And you got good names! I am absolutely hopelesss at names and will spend an hour trying to think of one for a new character.I also liked the poison bit and it makes me want to read until I find out where it came from. It adds a sense of mystery. But there are problems with grammer and bits that dont make sense.
Not sure about the goblin fight. Sure they're only goblins, but there's tweleve. I would assume that they would swarm Aries once he chopped a couple down. Skill helps in sword combat but numbers have to be taken into consideration too.

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Squall
Comment

Thank you Rieda and Ktk.

Anyhoo, I have made a few more edits to prologue and ch 1 and I have posted a bit of chapter 2.

Please crit on what I have written so far for chapter 2 please lol.

Back to writing.

Andy

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Riedawriter23
Review

I really enjoyed this. I think the way you showed your characters looks and personalities was well drawn out and your method of fantasy creatures crept into the readers interest while also staying the agenda of a normal day for your characters.

The names and places you've come up with are rather interesting and intriguing Andy! Bravo, usually I have trouble with this sort of thing but you pulled it off brilliantly. As far as the way you end your chapters, it made me want to read more. I don't know however if it was supposed to be easy to kill the creature that jumped on Aries, if it wasn't then you might want to add just a little more detail there but besides that I loved everything.

For your editing, all was in the right places and made the story even more affective to your readers. There were more descriptions and explanation and it really put the whole thing together. I'm starting to become attached to your plot really early which is really nice especially since you're only letting out as much information that needs to be let out to keep your readers interested and hopeful, possibly even planning what THEY want to happen next to your exciting characters.

I'll definitely keep in touch with this story and just PM me if you need any help or anything!

Keep at it!
-Rieda

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ktk333
Review
ktk333 wrote a review · Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:57 am

i think its really awesome and stuff, as you already know, there are some things that you could work on, only if you feel like it tho. im not gonna change your story or anything.... okay, with your main character, (aries i think,) shes a bit stereotypical, i think you should make her have a bit more of an original personality, have a bit of identity crisis thats always fun. apart from that great story. cant wait for chapter 2

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Squall
Comment

Thank you magic and ele for your review. With all the reviews I have receieved, I managed to come up with another way to express the story. I was eating dinner with my family at a cafe ( I was dreaming about my story btw lol) Anyhoo I came up with the idea of not revealing so much but to lay small details which all adds up to the conclusion in the end. I remembered about the romance story that wrote which followed this style and got excellence.

Hence, I underwent a little over haul of my writing and came up with this (posted the latest version) I like to thank everyone again. I believe this is the best writing I have ever done.

A sword formed by a veil of crimson light, wielded with great skill and confidence, the opposing Shadowmere was diced in half.


This doesn't make sense and I can really just say the same as everyone else. :wink:

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Esmé
Review
Esmé wrote a review · Thu Feb 08, 2007 6:44 pm

I think I promised you a critique, right? Well, here I am. I’ll be writing as I read:

Quote:
A sword formed by a veil of crimson light, wielded with great skill and confidence, the opposing Shadowmere was diced in half.
This does not make sense.

Quote:
Without looking back at the fallen Sentinels, she escaped…..
Cut out the last two periods.

Quote:
A girl walked silently, interrupting the calm of night with the whisper of a breeze that swayed the forest canopy.
She made that?

Quote:
She fumbled through the pockets of her robes, withdrawing what seemed to be a compass made of dark crystal with a golden rim, holding it in the palm of her hand.
She cannot be doing that at the same time. It’s either fumbling and taking it out, or holding it.

Quote:
Putting the compass back, the girl raised her hood, heading into the direction that the compass pointed to; tears flowed down the sides of her smooth cheeks.
No need for a semicolon here.



Okay, so that was the prologue. Did not tell much, really, but it is a prologue after all. The only comment is, that, with the first sentence, it seems as if the Sentinels are winning.



Ch. 1

Quote:
On the most northern- eastern corner of the Empire of Indel lies the village of Rel.
North-eastern.
That is the whole description for now? Then I think that that sentence is not needed. If you kept it simple, keep it simple (no sense, I know). I change my opinion if the info was vital.

Quote:
From its cliffs, one could easily see the beauty of the Waterfalls of Siera in the distant.
In the distance.

Quote:
Technology wise, Rel was considered very behind by today’s standards.
Not sure, but is it not supposed to be technologically? -Again, not sure.

Quote:
But what used to be possible was considered impossible by many ever since magic was lost and forgotten.
‘Was NOW considered (…)’. Also, cut out the ‘many’. This paragraph was a bit of a surprise, I did not really get it at first. You start of about Rel, then other cities appear in the horizon, but kind of flowed away from Rel itself. I think that you wanted to emphasize the difference between the cities, but it did not really work out…

Quote:
His figure was tall and sturdy from the many years of swordplay. He had long golden hair which flowed a bit down his back and his upper chest, his eyes were solid blue.
Oh, we have an idol here ^_^. I would somehow merge the first setence into the second. Its just so short and stands out, but it doesn’t really contain anything vital enough to serve the purpose of standing out.

Quote:
He pulled the draw open revealing an amulet,
What draw? Did I miss something?

Quote:
Even up to this day, he never knew what the symbols meant, even though it was entrusted to him by Cleo, his closest friend.
Too much of ‘even’.

Quote:
Last summer, the children played merrily in the outdoors, Sadly, the vagrants were busily making the lat repairs to the huts caused by winter’s storm. Unable to find peace that day, he retreated to a nearby lake which waters fresh and clear.
Where did this come from? Also, a period instead of a comma up there.

Quote:
"Hey...I see you are gazing at your reflection."
Space after the ellipse. Also, that seems a bit awkward for a dialogue.

Quote:
Her silver eyes were fixed on him, softly stroking her hair as she waited for a reply.
Picky here, but ‘hair’ again.

Quote:
With haste, he wore the amulet and rushed outside, only to find himself surrounded.
‘Wore the amulet’?

Quote:
“Hey Mallow,” greeted Aries, “hey everyone, what’s going on?”
Greeted? I would use some other word here… Also, the last to would be better in separate sentences, I think.

Quote:
“Play hide and seek with us!!”
One ! Would be enough.

Quote:
“Ok I’ll count to a hundred,” he said with a huge smile, “go hide now!”
Consider writing the whole ‘okay’. A comma after it.

Quote:
The children giggled with glee as they scattered in all directions. As noon approached, the game came to a close.
That was too fast and too abrupt. If you started talking about it, write atleast two sentences about the game.

Quote:
The children looked at each other in confusion as he counted again…but more slowly.
‘-’ would be better than the ellipse, I think. The ellipse gives the impression of fading out, tension. But if you chose to leave it as it is, a space would be welcome after it.

Quote:
A child was definitely missing when he finished counting the last child and only reached the number twenty again
Too much of ‘child’. Consider changing the structure of the sentence.

Quote:
Aries stood, unusually afraid, for he feared of how the children will react when they found out he was missing but more importantly, of the welfare of the child.
Unclear sentence alert again. It seems that Aries is missing. Two sentences? Or atleas a comma before the ‘but’. You have so much of ‘child’ in this paragraph.

Quote:
Wait here guys!”
Comma after ‘here’.

Quote:
The other set was inhuman in shape.
‘Shape’ again?

Quote:
That night
That night? That was abrupt. I suggest adding what he was feeling, etc. I mean he lost a child, right?

Quote:
“Who is it,” asked a soft voice by the door
It’s a question but you do not have a ?

Quote:
The door swung open, stepping out of the house, she was dressed in her pink night dress and wearing a pink cap on her head.
Who? That is unclear. Door part should be in a separate sentence. Too much of pink, use a synonym.

Quote:
“Oh, hi Aries,” smiling as she hid the teddy bear behind her back, her cheeks reddened
Comma after ‘hi’. A bit unclear. Rephrasing?

Quote:
Aries informed her about the missing child, the footprint tracks suggesting the possibility that the child might had been kidnapped by something in the forest which shouldn’t be.
Last part unclear. And he just ;informed her’? I mean, a missing child is bad, Very bad. Also, too much of ‘child’. Give it a name, for Pete’s sake.

Quote:
The story had given her a shock as she didn’t appear to be tired at all, compared to before. Immediately, she rushed back inside to fetch her wooden staff and changed into her clerical white robes, the same kind of robe that she always wore.
Not always, right? She wasn;t dressed in them now. The first sentence unclear.

Quote:
“Hmm these markings…they do look familiar,” holding a lantern over the tracks.
Comma after ‘hmm’. Space after ellipse. And a lantern was just holding itself?


That’s all fo now, don’t have much time left. I’ll just say that this was an interesting story, really. It lost a flow at some parts, using more synonyms would be welcome, though. Sorry, I’;ll write more when I finish the second chapter, ok?

-elein

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Squall
Comment

Thanks for all for the reviews. I worked according to what most had said and began clearing out what I believe is purple proses. I have hosted the edited version of my story onto this topic. I'm currently writing chapter 2. Hope you'll enjoy it and thank you.

You might want to check through it again for grammar and spelling issues, I found many and I'm sure I missed some because I did not read very carefully.

The beginning seems a little information heavy without any action at all. The prologue does work nicely to balance this out, though I would still add something within the informational portion of the paragraphs to keep the reader interested. I am talking about the first paragraph after the prologue mostly, though this also tends to happen in the beginning of all of your chapters. Try interspersing the information within the story. Trust me, it will not only be more interesting that way, it will also be much cleaner and easier to read.

The concept itself is very interesting, and with the changes that people have suggested this will probably end up being very good in the end.

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Lilyy03
Review
Lilyy03 wrote a review · Thu Feb 01, 2007 9:59 pm

I've only read part of it, sorry, but here are my thoughts on it so far:

I found a lot of it (the beginning especially) to be a bit, mm, wordy. I suppose some would call it purple prose. Before using adjectives and metaphors, ask yourself if it really adds to the piece; if it doesn't, it probably has the opposite effect and detracts from the story. Try finding briefer, more meaningful ways to write your descriptions.

casting streams of light over the sacred groove.

I have a feeling you meant "grove" (a group of trees).

The crackle of leaves under her feet and the strong scent of pine into the cold, wet tip of her nose through a little sniffle.

This sentence is really not making sense to me?

Withdrawing the compass

You've already said she withdrew the compass... I take it she is now putting it away? A different word might be more suitable.

As for chapter 1...
Spending the first paragraphs describing the geology, history, and geography of this world isn't really necessary this early on, I think. It reads a little too much like a textbook.

Aries, sixteen years old, gifted with curiosity and bravery. He had a calm and collected nature, showing respect to the people around him. At a young age, the elders saw potential in Aries and trained him to be a mercenary for Rel. He had dark hair at shoulder length, solid brown eyes which one could look at, knowing he was a confident person.

I know you've heard this before--show, don't tell. If you just tell us all these things about him at once, we're likely to not take note of it as much as we should. Show us situations of how he respects others, show us his curiosity and guts. Also, from this description he seems a wee bit Mary-Sue-ish.

"Hey...I see you are gazing at your reflection." The voice was soft as a waterfall gracefully cascading down to the lake below.

Hmm... Not a great metaphor. Waterfalls aren't really that soft.

But his trend of thought was broken when he heard the voices of children calling him with excited voices.

Don't say "voices" twice like that.

It seems like an interesting story is developing, and it is quite well-written for the most part (though there are some grammar and spelling mistakes). But at this early point, I suggest focusing more on your characters' actions and personalities, rather than heavy descriptions. You'll be more likely to hook readers that way. :) Good luck!

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Chibi
Review
Chibi wrote a review · Thu Feb 01, 2007 1:18 pm

Interesting....But check through the paragraphs again hon, you missed a formatting and you've got three words to one line before you start another.

Otherwise, intruiging, albeit it took a little while to get to the point, and even then it wasn't much of a point, just introducing the characters. Oh, and what happened to the girl that got booted? I presume that was her kneeling beside Aries before the children ran up? What was her reaction, why did she suddenly slip his mind and where did she go?

Little details like that would help clear up some confusion, and the fact that your little tale, fair enough that it's the start of a novel and the chapters -are- going to be long, but it's a wee bit long winded. Like how LOTR was/is long winded...Full of meaningless detail that doesn't really push the story along. No offence intended if you adore LOTR, not my kind of book.

The length is also a barrier on why you don't have many reviews, I think. Not many people have patience enough to read through it, and then re-read it to check for errors, and then remember said errors to post about them...

I'd suggest expanding each section, giving a bit more -relevent- detail, since this is an introductory scene, of the characters so that the reader can get more of a feel about them. You've written the bare bones there hon, try adding some flesh and then features to the body.

Ah well, otherwise I'm intruiged! More please!

~Chibi



Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
— Danish proverb