Esper’s Sepulchral I : Chapter 1: The Season of the Pikara

Don't drag up old posts unless you're asked to; it pushes the newer words back into the forum, and annoys the author if they've improved since posting. In the future, try not to review super old stuff, especially if it's not from the present year (unless you're asked).


Locked at author's request

the main chartacter is kinda wierd and the beggining needs a little more detail. like where he is going and stuff like that. i wasnt very cuaght in the beginning. the lead needs to be more interesting.

Hiya! Sorry I only have time for a short crit, so no grammar, but here goes:

The characters are great. I think the development is spot on, no worries there, eh?

The plot alos keeps me hanging, a nice little idea. The title confused me but that's why I read it I guess!

Very nice, not much more to say!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Overall, I really enjoyed this, great work! My only problem was that I got pretty confuzed in some parts, especially in the opening few paragraphs so maybe they could be reworded a bit to make more sense?

Nice job anyways, goodluck with your book! x

I love the idea of not giving too much away in the first chapter, and I think it has the makings of a good novel. Like the others, I have to admit that it was a bit slushy at times and the only mistakes I could find were ones someone else had already pointed out. All in all, the story has a unique twist with combining old and new and the characters are exquisitely detailed so that they have the magic to come alive. Sounds cheesy, I know, but that's it, really. Good luck with it. I will read the next chapter ASAP, I hope it is as good as the first!

*lilmisswritergal* also known as Glinda the Good (look @ avatar)

Chapter I: The Season of the Pikara

1.Pikara bounced down the street of the seaside town, which lay nestled at the foot of a mountain.
2. She was worried.
3. If she failed the Final Trial, then it meant having to waste another year in the smelly classroom of the guild.

As she headed down the slope, she realized the roads were empty, except for a few cars heading for the beach to avoid the midday traffic. Brick houses were worn from enduring the years of sweltering heat, followed by the freezing winter and torrents of rain.

Many cars had driven past the houses.

The father of a family of four drove through the labyrinth of houses. The children at the back seat looked at their front lawns, observing the gardens that the townsfolk had grown. Trees were tall and provided shelter. Flowers grew in the flower beds of the gardens. Their brightness was the reason it attracted the holiday makers’ attention. Only those whose eyes had not been tainted by the towering skyscrapers in the capital could truly appreciate their beauty. The car went past a location sign which indicated to the holiday makers that the main plaza was due north and the beach to the west.

The road soon became wider as the car reached the first intersection. As the lights turned yellow, the car slowed to a halt.

“Hey Mum, are we almost there?” The boy asked.

She was grabbing for her pair of sunglasses.

“We’re almost there, can’t you hold on?” A slight breeze swayed her hair as another car slowed down next to them. The cars on the left started moving.

“I need to go now!”

“We’ve run out of plastic bags,” she explained “and you’ve used up Molly’s potion bottles.”

Molly, the youngest in the family was the only one relaxed. Her father was leaning forward on his seat, his hands clutching the wheel tightly. The cars on the left had now stopped at the lights and a car on the right of the intersection edged closer towards the line. Looking through the wired fencing near the metal barriers of the road, she saw mansions perched on the hill side.

The town was once governed by a rich millionaire who was the mayor of this town. Tired of the corruption and greed of the business companies in the city, he decided to move into the seaside town some years ago. Ironically, he once did business with the companies. Whether he moved because he saw the error of his ways or to flee from the tension of competitive companies remained hidden.

In his time as mayor, machinery stripped the vegetation of the hills and replaced it with his very own garden, importing plants and trees from all corners of the continent.

Today, the gardens remained. A legacy left behind by the mayor. In the entrance way, large statues of a woman playing a harp were placed at regular interviews. They heralded the cobblestone path leading to a locked iron gate. Rust had covered over the white coating of the bars, and yet it hadn’t been repainted. This gate was only the first out of many which sealed the maze. A compass fountain stood at the centre, its arrow pointing away from the gate. At the base of the fountain, words were engraved:

"The sun is the gateway to the day and the night. The maidens stare at this gateway. Their melancholy expressions are the lock, even when the sun starts rising from the west. Only one shows the smile of the Sentinel.”

The shrubs of the maze were tall and thick. Because of this, the paths inside were narrow and had confined the few who treaded the maze. They twist and turn, showing no logic on which way to go.
Since the maze was located near the ocean, wind normally swept through the mazes’ corridors, through the open windows, brushing the curtains and traveled into the empty rooms of the mansions. The scent of the lilies wafted around its corridors, purging the muskiness of the furniture.

Back on the road, the cars at the intersection had stopped once more.

Yo Andy! *waves*

Um... you suck! No, just kidding. But you said to piss you off. =D

Their brightness was the reason it attracted the holiday makers’ attention.

large statues of a woman playing a harp were placed at regular interviews.

She fished for her cell phone in the pockets of her mini skirt and started texting for her diary entry.

Regretably, I don't have time to read this, but I do have one suggestion regarding your title. It needs to be easier to read. I know in fanatsy we like to make up names and play around with sounds, but it still needs to be something that isn't awkward for an English-speaking person to pronounce.

Yo Andy! *waves*

Um... you suck! No, just kidding. But you said to piss you off. =D

Their brightness was the reason it attracted the holiday makers’ attention.

Dream of the Fayth wrote:

Pikara bounced down the street of the seaside town, which lay nestled at the foot of a mountain. She was worried. If she failed the Final Trial, then it meant having to waste another year in the smelly classroom of the guild.

Many cars had driven past the houses.

The father of a family of four drove through the labyrinth of houses. The children at the back seat looked at their front lawns, observing the gardens that the townsfolk had grown. Trees were tall and provided shelter. Flowers grew in the flower beds of the gardens. Their brightness was the reason it attracted the holiday makers’ attention. Only those whose eyes had not been tainted by the towering skyscrapers in the capital could truly appreciate their beauty. The car went past a location sign which indicated to the holiday makers that the main plaza was due north and the beach to the west.

The road soon became wider as the car reached the first intersection. As the lights turned yellow, the car slowed to a halt.

“Hey Mum, are we almost there?” The boy asked.

Molly, the youngest in the family was the only one relaxed. Her father was leaning forward on his seat, his hands clutching the wheel tightly. The cars on the left had now stopped at the lights and a car on the right of the intersection edged closer towards the line. Looking through the wired fencing near the metal barriers of the road, she saw mansions perched on the hill side.

The town was once governed by a rich millionaire who was the mayor of this town. Tired of the corruption and greed of the business companies in the city, he decided to move into the seaside town some years ago. Ironically, he once did business with the companies. Whether he moved because he saw the error of his ways or to flee from the tension of competitive companies remained hidden.

Today, the gardens remained. A legacy left behind by the mayor. quote]

- “Remain” instead of “remained”. Have the first two sentences combined and “the” not “a” legacy.

"The sun is the gateway to the day and the night. The maidens stare at this gateway. Their melancholy expressions are the lock, even when the sun starts rising from the west. Only one shows the smile of the Sentinel.”

- I dislike the repetition of “gateway” here.

The shrubs of the maze were tall and thick. Because of this, the paths inside were narrow and had confined the few who treaded the maze. They twist and turn, showing no logic on which way to go.

- I think the second line might be better as: “the paths were narrow and confined.”

Since the maze was located near the ocean, wind normally swept through the mazes’ corridors, through the open windows, brushing the curtains and traveled into the empty rooms of the mansions. The scent of the lilies wafted around its corridors, purging the muskiness of the furniture.

- Take out the second “maze” it’s not needed, “travelled” and “musk” instead of “muskiness”

Back on the road, the cars at the intersection had stopped once more.

- Nix “back”

“Please Mum, I need to go! I don’t want to get my pants wet again.” The lights had turned green and the car continued driving for the town plaza. The boy’s cries of desperation became fainter and fainter for the mage detective who had eavesdropped on what they had said. As they drove past, a gust of wind was sent at her. The notebook on her lap was blown right open. The pages flickered, revealing notes and occasional doodles.

- “been eavesdropping” instead of “eavesdropped... said” Nix the first comma in the 3rd last line and make the 2nd last part of it. “...her, the notebook in her lap blown right open”

Holding her drink, she drew her lips on the straw and took another sip. A mixture of tiny crystals and an icy liquid travelled up the straw and into her mouth. As usual, the front of her teeth stung with pain. At least it’s better than having brown stained teeth, like her father had from smoking and drinking too much tea. By now, the crystals in her mouth had melted into liquid and the pain was gone. She swallowed the liquid and the roof of her mouth soon tingled with a chilling sensation. Withdrawing her lips from the straw, she placed it beside her. Her eyes remained closed, hidden by the brim of her beret.

“she swallowed the liquid” – nix “the liquid.

She moved her thumb to the zero and pressed it a few times. The cursor flashing behind a pink background moved down a few lines, leaving space for a picture.

- She leaves her journal entry abruptly.

Maybe a bit too much, for the top button on her white blouse was undone, showing her bra.

Oh wow, you do have an interesting main character. She will be brilliant in the storybook! And I love the plot so far and your description is beautiful. Just a few suggestions -

The car went past a location sign which indicated to the holiday makers that the main plaza was due north and the beach [s]in[/s] to the west.

“We’ve [s]ran[/s] run out of plastic bags,”

The cars on the left had now stopped [s]to[/s] at the lights and a car on the right of the intersection edged closer towards the line.

_________________
Overall, I love the plot so far and it's very interesting so great job!

This section wasn't as strong as the prologue, but I still enjoyed it. I was a tad confused and I feel like you should have explained more about this world and story than you have by now. Hopefully that will come soon. Good Job, though.

A few points when I was reading:

The girl doesn't get a name right away and I think this is why parts are deemed "telling" instead of showing by some of my fellow reviewers.

Remedy: Start with the name "Namey Namerson bounced down the street"

You throw the plot in our faces, I'd like to see some explanation, not through an info dump but through some other way.

Remedy: Begin with the actual plot: "Today was the trial, Namey Namerson was worried, it should have been simpl...blah blah - inner conflict whilst still explaining the plot - blah.

Im glad to see you have learned from Final Fantasy that a good female main character is vital if you are to have a female as an MC. Well done

Description. Its a tad overdone in several places, I think my peers have pointed out where in a line-by-line. I have to agree.

Remedy: The rule I use is "if it isn't reoccurring then don't describe it in depth." For example in Silver Ferride the corridor where Prime beats Limerick was desribed sparsley because it was unimportant. As was the Observation Room where the monster was being studied. These places get blown up at the end of the chapter so I only gave snippets for a general feel.

There are exceptions to this rule. Prime's office was described fully because it reflected his character a lot.

__

Conclusion

I liked it. It was a decent piece of fantasy and with the suggestions in this thread it could be carved into a nice paced bit of work. Well done.

*Chapter 2...*

It's very nice so far. So much detail in the first chapter I'm looking forward to the rest of the novel.

Keep up the good work

wowsa!
lurrrrrvvveed it myself
lol, reminds me of something i cant putmy finger on, especially the way she treats the guild officials with the picture. it reall shows her personality, like she doesnt take orders or really respect them, just does what she does and does it well. It makes her seem like a bit of a loose cannon.
I loved the description, especially with the camera scene. Very scene kid :p
Overall, i cant wait to see more
keep it up

Ethan

Hey Squallz!

Well..I finally got time to read this...

I really like the description. It really good!

I think it sets up a good story. But it didn't really capture my attention as much as the prologue did.

I didn't catch any big grammar problems. Good!

I hope to read the next part!

~Rogue Jedi Master and Hidden Leaf Jonin Timea

PS. I'll probably comment more after I get into the story more.

lots already been said so if i repeat anything i don't mean to.

1-Way to descriptive. When you do this you start telling in stead of showing. It leaves little to the imagination.

2-Explain at least a little bit more please, We really don't know much about the main character at all really. Plus, the "Trial" thing has got me confused. You want to leave a cliff hanger, but at least let us know enough to make us want to read more.

Other than these things i like it. I'll be sure to read the next Chapter.

ok, this was a bit confusing. You have it jumping from one character to the next, but good description. I felt, sort of like I was jumping into this midway through. You need to put a little intro in, to clarify.

by the pink haired girl

The driver of a car, who was the father of the family of four, drove through the labyrinth of houses.

In the entrance way, large statues of a woman playing a harp were placed at regular interviews

Many of the earlier posts pointed out things that I noticed. I think your description is a little heavy in some places. That's pretty much my only beef with this piece.

The bounce in her steps was a sure sign she was going somewhere with the new lead with the Final Trial.

Trees were tall and provided shelter for a teenage girl, reading a novel. Beside her was an apple which had fallen to the ground.

The mother was grabbing for her pair of sunglasses, which had red lenses with a nylon-half frame.

“I need to go now!”

“We’ve ran out of plastic bags,” she explained “And you’ve used up Molly’s potion bottles.”

Today, the gardens remained...

...(three paragraphs)

...Back on the road, the cars at the intersection had stopped once more.

As they drove passed,

She swallowed the liquid and her breasts soon tingled with a chilling sensation.

Only half a summer left to find this Waverly girl, kick her butt good and bring her in front of my examiners, or else.”

...and pressed on a square shaped button with a blue dot at the centre. The menu screen popped up and was selected on “send message.” She placed her nails at the top edge of the button and tilted it down like a control stick. It was selected on “delete” then “copy” until it moved down to “attachments.” She pressed on the button.

As I said:

The seaside town, which lay nestled at the foot of a mountain, was one of the many to be visited by the pink haired girl.

The houses were made of bricks, worn from enduring the years of sweltering heat, followed by the freezing winter and torrents of rain.

The driver of a car, who was the father of the family of four, drove through the labyrinth of houses.

The mother was grabbing for her pair of sunglasses, which had red lenses with a nylon-half frame.

“We’re almost there, can’t you hold on [s]to it[/s]?”

“We’ve ran out of plastic bags,” she explained, “And you’ve used up Molly’s potion bottles.”

The boy’s cries of desperation became fainter and fainter for the mage detective who had ears dropped on what they had said.

She swallowed the liquid and her breasts soon tingled with a chilling sensation.

Whitening was used regularly.

The text was sent.

Well, what more can I say? Adam and Nutty have pretty much pointed out all the points you need to work on. Your description is very well, polished even, but you do a bit too much describing in some parts. After a while, it makes the reader a little less interested in reading the rest of the paragraph. So, water that down maybe?

As for typos and sentences and the like, Adam's helped you with that. So no need to go there.

All in all, this was an interesting start. I enjoyed it and look forward to more. Keep at it!!

-Angel

I love her behavior in this. You're excellent at female prospectives. lol. I could really imagine that as a diary entry on a cell phone. Very well written. I WAS lauging my but off at the slushy part....lol, but it kind of seems her style with what I know of her so far so, eh. Change at will I guess. A lot of good humor I was interested the whole time. Great job on this! Keep me updated.

~Rieda

Squallz wrote:Chapter I: Season of the Pikara

The seaside town[s], which[/s] lay nestled at the foot of a mountain[s],[/s]. It was one of the many to be visited by the pink haired girl. The bounce in her step[s]s[/s] was a sure sign she was going somewhere with [s]the[/s]a new lead with the Final Trial.

Sorta got confused on the last sentence. Read through it again and see cause I dont know how to explain it.

The roads were empty, except for a few cars heading for the beach to avoid the midday traffic. The houses were made of bricks, worn from enduring the years of sweltering heat, followed by the freezing winter and torrents of rain.

This is an excellent place to describe the setting but you sorta just threw it out there. Also, you need to make some sort of connection between the first and second sentences. As it is the first is about traffic and the second is about houses. Link them with something like: the cars passed by the houses....etc.

The driver of a car, who was the father of the family of four, drove through the labyrinth of houses. The children at the back seat looked at their front lawns, observing the gardens that the townsfolk had grown. Trees were tall and provided shelter for a teenage girl, reading a novel. Beside her was an apple which had fallen to the ground. Flowers grew in the flower beds of the gardens. Their brightness was the reason it attracted the holiday makers’ attention. Only those whose eyes had not been tainted by the towering skyscrapers in the capital [s]can[/s]could truly appreciate their beauty. The car went pas[s]sed[/s]t a location sign which indicated to the holiday makers that the main plaza was due north and the beach in the west.

The road soon became wider as the car reached the first intersection. As the lights turned yellow, the car slowed to a halt.

“Hey Mum, are we almost there?” The boy asked.

The mother was grabbing for her pair of sunglasses, which had red lenses with a nylon-half frame.

“We’re almost there, can’t you hold on to it?” A slight breeze swayed her hair as another car slowed down next to them. The cars on the left started moving.

“I need to go now!”

“We’ve ran out of plastic bags,” she explained “And you’ve used up Molly’s potion bottles.”

Molly, the youngest in the family was the only one relaxed. Her father was leaning forward on his seat, his hands clutching the wheel tightly. The cars on the left had now stopped to the lights and a car on the right of the intersection edged itself closer to the lines. Looking through the wired fencing near the metal barriers of the road, she saw mansions perched on the hill side.

The town was once governed by a rich millionaire who was the mayor of this town. Tired of the corruption and greed of the business companies in the city, he decided to move into the seaside town some years ago. Ironically, he once did business with the companies. Whether he moved because he saw the error of his ways or to flee from the tension of competitive companies remained hidden.

In his time as mayor, he hired machinery to strip the vegetation of the hills and replaced it with his very own garden, importing plants and trees from [s]the[/s]all corners of the continent.

Today, the gardens remained. A legacy left behind by the mayor. In the entrance way, large statues of a woman playing a harp were placed at regular interviews. They heralded the cobblestone path leading to a locked iron gate. Rust had covered over the white coating of the bars, and yet it hadn’t been repainted. This gate was only the first out of many which sealed the maze. A compass fountain stood at the centre, its arrow pointing away from the gate. At the base of the fountain, words were engraved:

“The sun is the gateway to the day and the night. The maidens stare at this gateway. Their melancholy expressions [s]is[/s]are the lock, even when the sun starts rising from the west. Only one shows the smile of the Sentinel.”

The shrubs of the maze were tall and thick. Because of this, the paths inside were narrow and had confined the few who treaded the maze. They twist and turn, showing no logic on which way to go.

Since the maze was located near the ocean, wind normally swept through the mazes’ corridors, through the open windows, brushing the curtains and traveled into the empty rooms of the mansions. The scent of the lilies wafted around its corridors, purging the muskiness of the furniture.

I might have to eat you. That was a lot of pointless description as far as i'm concerned. you dragged out us out of the laredy non mving story to describe that flippin mansion.

Back on the road, the cars at the intersection had stopped once more.

“Please Mum, I need to go! I don’t want to get my pants wet again.” The lights had turned green and the car continued driving for the town plaza. The boy’s cries of desperation became fainter and fainter for the mage detective who had ears dropped on what they had said. As they drove passed, a gust of wind was sent at her. The notebook on her lap was blown right open. The pages flickered, revealing notes and occasional doodles.

Holding her drink, she drew her lips on the straw and took another sip. A mixture of tiny crystals and an icy liquid traveled up the straw and into her mouth. As usual, the front of her teeth stung with pain. At least it’s better than having brown stained teeth, like her father had from smoking and drinking too much tea. By now, the crystals in her mouth had melted into liquid and the pain was gone. She swallowed the liquid and her breasts soon tingledO_O with a chilling sensation. Withdrawing her lips from the straw, she placed it beside her. Her eyes remained closed, hidden by the brim of her beret.

Another gale from the ocean swept passed her. She drew a breath.

“More city folks seeking paradise in the many sea side towns available,” she thought, “bringing petrol fumes and little boys with pee- pee problems.” She smiled deviously.

She fished for her cell phone in the pockets of her mini skirt and started texting for her diary entry. Her thumb danced around the buttons.

“Dear Diary, the silkiness of my pink hair was a sure sign the season of the Pikara was about to begin…or maybe that’s just me using too much of the hotels’ shampoos and conditioners. Today marks the end of the first half of summer and oh my Sentinels it’s hot! Commoners from the cities drive around in their big hunks of metal wanting to take a wee break by the seaside. As much as I love the water, the life of a mage detective was my choice. If it means not being able to join my guild friends during this year’s summer, then I guess it’s worth it for the right to discover the secrets of life and death. I never knew that the Final Trial was going to be this hard. I heard many stories that the Final Trial involved some kind of a twist or puzzle. They didn’t sound that hard to me, but this was just nonsense. Why must I seek a girl who has died in one of the most famous ship accidents ever? She’s dead and has lost, that’s good game to her. Only half a summer left to find this Waverly girl, kick her butt good and bring her in front of my examiners, or else.”

That should be in italics, not quotes

Her eyes began to water a bit, but she couldn’t cry. The warmth that the summer brought was like her mother’s hug, comforting all her worries away.

“…or else the secrets of life and death will forever escape my grasps, and the thing I enjoy most, gone.”

She moved her thumb to the zero and pressed it a few times. The [s]curser[/s]cursor flashing behind a pink background moved down a few lines, leaving space for a picture.

“Time to update my guild profile,” she whispered to herself and pressed on a square shaped button with a blue dot at the centre. The menu screen popped up and was selected on “send message.” She placed her nails at the top edge of the button and tilted it down like a control stick. It was selected on “delete” then “copy” until it moved down to “attachments.” She pressed on the button. Light passed through the camera lens in her cell phone and displayed on the screen, showing the fast food outlets across the road.

She turned the phone around so that the camera faced her. She moved it away form her so that it was a medium shot. With her free hand, she placed her fingers on the brim of the beret, looking as though she was lowering it to conceal her eyes. She smiled again, but this time, it showed her white pearl teeth. [s]Whitening was used regularly.[/s] Her thumb was on the button and she pressed it. The shutters clicked and Pikara turned the phone around. The screen displayed a loading bar and the words, “Processing image.” When the green bar was filled, her image appeared in full view. Nice big smile, cute purple eyes, what more could the guild officials want from a future mage detective? Maybe a bit too much, for the top button on her white blouse was undone, showing her bra.

“Just like the models, only cuter, insert image.”

Beneath the image, she texted in italics:

“The season of the Pikara is about to begin. Love, Pikara (Piki).”

The text was sent.

Woah... what kind of slushy is that? I know normal ones sure don't make my breasts tingle....
But anyway...
Nothing much really happened in this, but it was still interesting. I wonder why waverly needs an arse kicking.... I didn't see any typos, but maybe cut down on the description a bit. We all know how to take a photo, you don't need to explain the whole process.
But then I've always been a minimalist.
And why does her hair get silkier in the season of the pikara? I know some hair goes dry in summer, but...
-The bounce in her steps was a sure sign she was going somewhere with her Final Trial.-
It took me a minute to figure out what you were going on about. Is she going to this trial? is she making progress? is it an assignment she's taking with her? a bit of background information may help this.

But, overall, it was good, and now I want to know what the deal with waverly and Pikara is.... So hurry up and write! lol