Young Writers Society

Wow!! This has changed so much!

I'm not sure if I prefer it this way though, I think you could show the ideas easier when it was more real. Bringing things like Willy Wonka into it is a bit drastic and crazy.

this whole thing is too much, please change it!! I don't know what the teacher will think of this!

wow, I liked this ^_^

Hey Andy! Your description in this piece is beautiful, especially that of setting. I think the only suggestion I have for you is the one about tense. Here's the sentences in the first part that need editing for them to be propper present tense and if you want me to help you convert the ending, just let me know -

Here when it rains, it [s]lasted[/s] lasts for days, though usually not as heavily as this.

As I [s]waited[/s] wait, I can hear them patter the shelter of the bus stop and smash[s]ing[/s] into their jagged deaths. Slowly, I [s]drew[/s] draw the hood of my coat up and lower my head

_____________________

Then there's a line where I'd suggest a word change:

An eerie creak was relinquished as I treaded [I'm thinking maybe either stepped or trod?] on its uneven surface and perched myself over the rippling waters.

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And other than that, ym critiques are few. You have a beautiful, fluid style of writing and I love your description.

Heather xx

I'm going to look at this as a teacher would, or at least, I'll try to. lol, I don't how I'll succeed.

They were tiny mirrors that fell, cracked, and splashed the world beneath the clouds. Here again, rain fell often, though not as heavily as this.

Here in winter, rain had fell(should be fallen) often, though not as heavily as this.

Just looking at the downpour reminded me of the night when my life too had fallen and cracked.

and distorted my wavering reflection.

I wished that I could reach into the darkness and fish out the shattered reflections that were before me.

Whenever I looked at the one in my bedroom, I feared that it too would crack one day…under my fear.

“Last stage,” I said, before the doors closed behind me.

I loved the beginning. It was extremely vivid and quite beautiful. But I found the end slightly disappointing and irrelevant to what I understood was happening before.

Perhaps edit some of the dialogue and make what is happening a little more clear.

I found all of it hazily mysterious, and for me thats a plus. ^_^

They were tiny mirrors that fell, cracked, and splashed the world that was beneath the clouds.

Here in winter, rain [s]had[/s] fell often, though not as heavily as this.

Just looking at the downpour [s]had only[/s] reminded me of the night when my life too, had fallen and cracked.

Behind the sizzling grills, families and teenagers [s]had [/s]gathered, tongs flipping the patties over and the clatter of forks and knives meeting plates.

I thought to myself as I [s]was walking my way[/s] walked through the prairie.

Since I was wearing sandals, dust on the pathway crept into her toenails and covered my feet, making them rough and dry.

With fascination, I watched; rings of waves [s]that[/s] spread outward and distorted my wavering reflection.

“Bell, I guess the only thing you ever cared about is being the lead guitarist in the school band. I’m sorry that I’m so insignificant, Siren.”

Hi, Andy! I'm back.

-Nitpicks-

They were tiny mirrors that fell, cracked, and splashed the world that was beneath the clouds.

As I waited, I could hear them pattering the shelter of the bus stop, drains gurgling as flood water streamed into the drains.

Since I was wearing sandals, dust on the pathway crept into her toenails and covered my feet, making them rough and dry.

I tossed a pebble into the lake.

I grasped the imaginary rod firmly in my hands, but I knew that it was fate that determined what happened in summer.

I felt her the moment she entered, a sudden wind that danced in circles and touched me with its cold tendrils.

“Even I had no real understanding on what I did.”

They were tiny mirrors that fell, cracked, and splashed the world that was beneath the clouds. Here in winter, rain had fell often, though not as heavily as this.

Hey. I wasn't sure how I felt about this piece. No offense or anything, but I found myself bored. I didn't really understand the whole "mirrors" thing.

You have some interesting descriptions, however, and that's always a plus. But I felt like there was little point to it, and that it was, in some parts, rushed, and in other parts, dragged. Also, that "Bell" person just appeared out of nowhere. Perhaps your MC should hear a sound or something.

Also, thoughts should be in Italics.

Sorry I'm not very helpful. Hopefully you get something out of this.

Thanks for the critiques guys. I've edited the piece throughly and I believe that it is much more clearer and conscise than the 2nd draft. I hope you'll enjoy it.

P.S: This is a piece that is based on the theme of "Memories are Us" where I have to write a 400-500 piece where something triggers a memory or a past event. (the 400-500 word limit is only a guideline).

Hello, Andy!

As always, nitpicks first...

I crossed my arms to conceal my breasts, soothing myself in the comfort of its embrace.

On some nights, I pondered if I would be awake in the morning, or whether the waves would be big or small when they surge for the beach.

I just want to be able to sit next to her before she leaves.

I closed my eyes once more, waiting for the return of Sleep, for his waves to carry me across the river and into nothingness.

In this sleeping darkness, I struggled to stay awake; their silent snores like the spectral orchestra of a thousand harps.

"I'm sorry Bell. I should had given you something and instead-I-I haven't. I should've."

I don't like the use of "settling" in the first line. I didn't know a sea could "settle" in your waist. Makes it sound like a container or something.

Second sentence, you sound like Yoda. Say it normally. "The wind was dancing in circles, touching my skin..."

"It was raining mirrors." Ow? I'd use something different there. (Back after reading the end.) Okay, so it was actualy raining mirrors? I don't get it...

"Her dark hair wisped to the summer breeze,..." would sound better as, "Her hair caught in wisps on the summer breeze,..." I don't think wisped is a very good verb if it even is one at all.

"...her eyes lined with mascara." Usually eyes are "lined" with eyeliner. Mascara is the stuff on your eyelashes to make them longer/darker. Just make-up nit-pickies.

"Water trailed down in rivulets,..." Trailed down where?

"A fan whirred, melding with the patter of rain, drowning out its slowly fading melody." I think 'its' works better than 'the' for this. That way we know that the fan is drowning out the rain and not something else. It helps the transition to be more understandable.

"My imaginary rod was grasped firmly in my hands, but I knew that it was fate that determined what happened in summer." You switched tenses. And you need it to be "surged" later in that paragraph. And again with "leaves," the last word, should be "left" just for consistency.

Mmkay. I'm confused. Probably the vauge part. You go from being on a beach... to in bed sleeping, to opening doors somewhere, then white-tiled walls. It might be a dream sequence where you're reliving these memories? I don't really know. Maybe make that more apparent somehow. Just make it to what you think would be overly obvious, because then most people will get it. Most people. Good luck on your grade!

~Yoyo

Most others pretty much hit the nail on the head with their critiques. It seemed awkward and confusing at parts. The writing itself was very well done, but the exceution of the story needs some work. Don't be afraid to actually story and tell the reader what's going on, it wont make the rest of it bad, meerly understandable. I'm sure you know what else to work on, but other than those few small things, good job.

Keep up the good work!

-JC

Hrmm thanks for your critiques guys.

Phorcys: I'm glad that you've decided to read another of my works. Thank you. The purpose of the piece is to write a 400-500 piece that focuses on the theme of "Memories are Us", where you write about something that triggers a memory and hence it leads to a flash back. In this case, it is the rain itself. I think I might consider your point on conflict, but I don't want to add anymore words. I'm thinking that I should add a bit more emphaise on Waverly's internal conflict and somehow link it in relation to the rain. Would that help?

I'll also edit this ruthlessly for awkward sentences.

Ashleylee: Thanks for your feedback. Just to let you know that the character's POV doesn't switch. It remains on Waverly the entire time. Bell (the Siren is also a girl). I think that I should make the transition between past and present more smooth so that it flows much better. I'll also edit this to make sentences clearer so that they don't sound awkward.

Thanks for your help again guys "tosses cookies out" (where you expecting me to throw sacks of money out? )

Okay, first, I want to make a point of that you kind of confused me in the beginning. You switched from the woman bathing in the ocean to a guy inside a house? (I'm not positive on that but you'll have to clear that up for me later if I'm wrong)

I thought that switch from two different characters were too swift and I had to reread it a second time to catch what was actually happening.

Another thing I think you could do is (and I agree with Phorcys on this one) that you should read this outloud and see if it makes sense to you. There are a couple of sentences that are awkward but I'm kind of in a rush right now and can't point those out to you, sorry.

But otherwise, your description of everything was really well done though. I think you write well and you have a nice, overall good story here.

You only may need to tweak a few things and eveyrthing will fall into place after that.

Good Luck

I bathed in the sea, the rippling surface settling to my waist. Dancing in circles was the wind, touching skin and hair with its cold tendrils. I crossed my arms to conceal my breasts, soothing myself in the comfort of its embrace. It was raining mirrors. As I looked up, their liquid veils rendered dull reflections of a girl. Her dark hair wisped to the summer breeze, eyes lined with mascara. Water trailed down in rivulets, just like the rain that was on my body the night that she had kissed me.

A fan whirred, melding with the patter of rain, drowning out the slowly fading melody. By my bedside table was a nightlight, [s]casting [/s] which cast a small shell of light that projected the shadows of fins onto the walls.

My imaginary rod was grasped firmly in my hands

I closed my eyes once more, waiting for the return of Sleep, [s]for [/s] and his waves to carry me across the river and into nothingness. It was here that she struck the cords.

“I bathed in the sea, the rippling surface settling almost to my waist.”
- I’d just use “waist” here, scratch “almost”

“ Dancing in circles was the wind, touching skin and hair with its cold tendrils. I crossed my arms to conceal my breasts, soothing myself in the presence of its comfort.”
- The source of “comfort” here is ambiguous… try make it a bit clearer? I know it should be the air… but it doesn’t come across so well.

“It is raining mirrors.”
- Change in tense here.

“Water trailed down my rivulets, just like the rain that was on my body on the night that she had kissed me.”
- “down my revulets” ? – “my” doesn’t belong, I don’t think. Also, I’d take out that last “on”.


“Why do the shadow fish haunt?”
- I really like this line. Not completely sure why.


“In this sleeping darkness, I struggled to stay awake; their silent snores like the spectral orchestra of a thousand harps. “
- The semi-colon is wrong here, but I’m not sure about it. I’d suggest asking Jabberhut.


“ "I'm sorry. I should had given you something and instead-I-I haven't. I should've."

“Waverly. When I look at the raining mirrors, it shows only my appearance, my so called youth. How would you ever know exactly what I desire?” “
- Who is speaking here? If it is Bell then you should make this speech and the one above connect.


I like this, Andy, some small thing to fix up, but generally, I think the way you’ve written this, and how it works, to be done quite well. Luck with the task. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.