Hi guys. Normally I won't post on romances but I thought I might as well since one person told me to share a short story that I wrote for english. We had to write a short story with any genre we desire. I chose love and this story gave me an excellence grade. Only me and a girl named Lina managed to get excellence so I was quite proud. Anyhoo I hope you'll enjoy this and feel free to critize about it lol.
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The sky was dark and the stars shadowed by the clouds. Rain water filled the craters in the gravel on the road, gutters were overflowing as it streamed down into the drains. It was only drizzling, but before it had been heavy. The rain bombarded Amrita making her hair dripping wet and her clothes soaked. She felt today wasn’t that satisfying, as if something was missing…
“Faith hardly talked to me today…I wonder what he is up to…”
She fished for her cell phone in her pockets and started texting. Her thumb danced around the buttons.
“Hey…..Faith…is….something….bothering….you… question mark,” she said out loud, “you….hardly…talk...to…me…nowadays……what’s…wrong… question…mark…send.”
The rain started to turn into a torrent. Amrita stood sheltered under the motorway bridge and plunged her hand into her handbag seeking for her umbrella. But she felt something else in her handbag. It was a folded piece of paper. She held it by the corner and realized that it looked like a note by the way that it was neatly folded. She unfolded it and read the blue ink scribble on the paper.
“I feel close to you yet you haven’t been there lately? I’m sorry for what I have done, forgive me please.”
She dropped down to her knees and released the note. It fell into the gutter and was washed away down the drain. She lifted her arm and pulled her sleeve back revealing a fading red bruise.
“…Faith…I know you didn’t mean to hurt me….it... just that…I don’t feel the same about you anymore…”
She burst into tears and embraced herself for comfort. She thought about the day she first met with Faith. It was a year ago in Paris. Her family decided to join a tour group. She stood in the line waiting to board the bus. A fat guy who was the father of two obese children pushed her aside. She lost balance and tripped on jaggered rock on the gravel. She landed painfully on the asphet, her limbs felt numb and she struggled in getting back up. A guy extended his hand out. He had a cute, stern face, long black hair which flowed past his shoulders. He was tall, slim and his muscles were well toned. It was Faith. Together they found out they had a lot in common and they lived in the same city .They became friends.
For the rest of the tour, they had fun together and did things together. On the day before they had to return to their home city, their parents agreed for them being able to go out one on one that day around Paris. She would never forget the moment when Faith asked her to come with him to the observation deck of the Eiffel tower and asked a French teenager to take a picture of them together.
The sky flashed white and in the shadowy horizon, bolts of lightening ripped off in all directions. A sudden explosion was followed, roaring and crackling. She embraced herself tighter and huddled herself into a ball.
“Oh God...why does it have to thunder!!” yelled Amrita.
She felt someone place their hand on her shoulder.
“Relax…thunder and rain doesn’t hurt you…”
In his other hand was his cell phone still displaying the text message that Amrita sent earlier.
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140,133 Literary Works • 673,031 Reviews
i liked it very well enough. i understand that it was and english assingment, but i wish you would re-write it so that it would be a bit more descriptive. other than that it was very well imagined!
-lora
That was pretty damn good, Squallz. It's a little bit like my own romance story... okay, not really, but they both have rain in it! XD Anyway, I spotted some misspellings and a few moments where I didn't understand what was going on (like with the bruise. That could've been explained a bit better), but otherwise, a job well done.
If you do post more, please PM me. I really enjoyed it.
Also, you might want to confirm that Faith is a guy earlier on. It kind of confused me. I can see Amrita as a boy or girl, but Faith I see as only a girl. But that could just be me. I love the name Amrita, though!
I would have liked if you had added more detail about the bruise, why she was texting him if he had hurt her, and what happened when she met him. Also, she didn't seem very enthusiastic when she explained meeting him. It almost seemed rushed in that section, although that could be because it's just an essay.
Is the title just a working title? Because it doesn't really grab your attention. Although I shouldn't be talking, my titles stink!
Anything else I found was already said. But I really liked it! It didn't have too much romance, but it hinted at it. I wouldn't mind if it had a little bit more, but it's good that it wasn't over-the-top like a lot I've read.
it's interesting.
Tha'd be cool. I would read it, most definently.
If you do continue it, PM me, this was awesome. =D
-JC
Whoa it has been like 3 months since I last posted this and people are still reading it.
Maybe I should extend this piece more.
This was really good. It had just the right amount of emotion without going overboard on the romantic side of things. Kudos to you!
One thing you could fix though. Pretty much the whole story is semi-formal, but when you get to describing when they met, it gets lowered to casual. Way casual.
Once again, very very good job. Keep up the good work!
-JC
(PS- CK, Faith isn't primarily a guy's name, it's a name that could go either way, thought as a girl name to many people. But it isn't primarily one or the other. Like Cody or Spencer, it goes either way =D)
I really liked your story. I think you should add a little more detail about how she got the bruise, and also maybe say something about Faith's personality. It wouldn't be akward for him not to be in touch with her, if he never was. Describe him more. Also describe more about how she feels about him. I understand it was just for an English essay, but to make it better I would add more detail.Watch for switching tenses and make sure you don't say casual things that don't fit in. Overall a very good story. I like it!
It's good. The tone changed back and forth from casual to serious, try to make it constant. Also, a lot was left unexplain. And the guy was named Faith, primarily a boys' name.
Eep. I kinda got the feeling that he abuses her. Iactually thought, when you said Faith, that it was a girl. It might be because I never really thought of Faith as boys name. But saying that, a lot of people never really thought of Artemis as a boys name either.
Could you write some more? Would it be possible?
Not bad. A nice idea and i kinda liked it. Though there were some sentences that i thought were a little bit awkward and difficult to read. And the whole story was short and sweet like it should be but you should have taken time, added more depth and feeling. It was good for an English essay but i couldn't see it in a book.
It was good though, i really enjoyed it!
yours
BlackDove
I'm glad you got a good grade on it. It was a nice piece, could use some polishing. I liked the way you ended it. Simple and clean.
LUNA
Awsome! you have such a talent for description! i could picture everything perfectly in my mind. even with some of the best writers that can be a problem. I honestly love this story. keep it up!
Excellent imagery. I can't figure out if they were in love because you only said that they were friends. I wish that you would have gone more in-dept with how the bruise got on her arm. But I understand that you were oly writing enough to get a good grade in your class. As for the story overall... *drum roll*... two thumbs up.
You say "rainwater" twice, very close together... It's a bit awkward.
Everything else was in the past tense, but this is in the present tense without any apparent reason... I'd suggest changing it to the past tense. (It was only drizzling, but before it had been heavy.)
"All messed up" seems to be a change in tone, in a more casual direction. It seems a bit out of place. And there should be a comma after "Amrita".
I very much like this piece of imagery.
I think it should be "sheltered"?
Again, "it looks like" shifts it to the present tense momentarily, and it's awkward.
What's that?
Lol, again, this seems to have a more casual tone than the rest of piece.
Should be "place".
I liked the ending a lot. Swift, yet powerful.
My main suggestion would be to watch out for spots where the tone or tense is not consistent with the way the rest of the story is written.
Overall, though, nice job.
awwwwww that is so cute!!
it reminds me of that story you told me about flora. lol
i loved it.