The worriers are often
the ones who are lost,
the disconnected of the world we paid for at a cost.
The earth is full of those who rush,
but are too blind
to see the beauty of our world left far behind.
Though the beasts and birds are dying
and while the dirt hails upon the souls,
the evil pressures the people and starts to dig our holes.
Anxious pacing and thinking will only hide
the wonders of nature, beautiful by the hillside.
From our hurt and pained minds where the devil devised
a plan to plant depression inside his lies.
Now you see,
how much worriers can lose,
when they think of only the past
instead of how much this world gives us her jewels.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hi!!! B here!!!
I honestly believe with both Bean, and Alliyah when they both said that this was a very interesting poem. You did very well. But I got lost on what the main idea was of this poem...
Your scheme was perfect, though.
The part that stuck out at me was...
" Though the beasts and birds are dying
and while the dirt hails upon the souls,
the evil pressures the people and starts to dig our holes.
Anxious pacing and thinking will only hide
the wonders of nature, beautiful by the hillside.
From our hurt and pained minds where the devil devised
a plan to plant depression inside his lies."
Because this was just very creative, and i can see it!!!
I love this!! Keep working!!!
~B
Hi, Bean here!
Just like Alliyah said, you have an interesting concept but the topic gets a little lost, and I did have some difficulty keeping track of what was happening.
You have a wonderful rhyme scheme and beautiful wording, however and I love the poem in all.
It could use some clarity, but overall 10/10 would totally recommend!
You have an interesting concept, but the topic gets a little lost as the poem goes on, and I had difficulty keeping track of what was happening.
I think this line is pretty problematic: "From our hurt and pained minds that the devil devised" - many would find the implication hurtful that those who suffer from depression or anxiety have minds that are made by the devil rather than God - just a thought.
You've got a really good hold on language and rhyming though - and that's a tough thing to do. The overall narrative could use a bit of clarity, but you've got the right word choice for sure.
Good luck in future writing Ink!
This is really good, I love it.
It is very inspiring and lovely.
When I read the title I thought of people/ person talking about their worries.
I really like the rhyme scheme although it's not perfect.
Feel free to ask anything, don't be afraid to ask, no-one will judge you or anything.
this is very true good work here.
this is a very beautiful poem. I love it very much. it very inspiring and lovely.
please do not stop writing beautiful creations like this
- Authors worry. We worry about writing. Worry about our editors, our agents, our reviews, and our readers. We worry about everything, including all forms of social media including blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and personal websites. - David Macinnis Gill
Worry does not mean fear, but readiness for the confrontation. - Bashar al-Assad
A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work. - John Lubbock
Hi, Spilledink! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we?
--
When I first read this title, I thought of warriors, like people who were fighting their disconnection from what wonderful things this world has to offer. The rhyme scheme fits well, even thought it's not meant to be 100% perfect. I'm not surprised you listed this poem under culture. Today, so many people are the worriers you describe.
The flow of the poem is inconsistent, however, but that could be your purpose. This is probably due to the punctuation. I know that you're just breaking up sentences, it'd be better to just have it all lower or upper case in the beginning.
Few questions about this line. Hurriers...Worriers? Same type of person? And why can't you just say "full of" instead of "mostly full of"? I get your meaning, but for these types of lines it's better to be decisive.
Should it be the worriers that are digging the holes? And if it's evil, what is it digging holes in? I also thought you were talking about "evil pressures" like evil was the adjective here.
You have a very strong last two lines as your finish, but
is kind of redundant. I know it's your transition, but in such a short poetry piece, it's better to keep the mood you've established going.
That's all from me. This was a really touching and eye-opening read.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. That was not my intention.)
Thank you! I fixed some things you suggested just now, so if you have time, maybe you could quickly look at it again and tell me what you think of the changes?