I went out for a morning run
trying to stay in shape
to enjoy myself
searching for a little bliss
on a cool daybreak (the grey clouds
should have warned me)
when anything seemed possible
but I tripped
over a rock in my path,
just a small rock (the size
of rats and broken promises
and unexpected disappointments),
but I tripped anyway (my feet
stumbling, my knees hitting concrete).
I got back up
and kept going (my feet beating an
uneven rhythm on the ground)
but I fell again (and again and
again and again, so it seemed)
and my blood was ink on the
white parchment sidewalk
and finally I just couldn't get up
again (and the sun came out
bright and cheerful
to mock my bloody failure).
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
This was awesome. I love the use of the parentheses and how the meaning of the poem isn't painfully obvious, especially at the beginning.
I'm not sure about the line breaks, they feel a bit disjointed to me. Maybe that's what you wanted it to come out as, but I might consider going over the placement of the breaks if I were you.
I also might consider shortening the title, though I do like the title. And breaking the piece into more than one stanza.
I love how this poem has such an upbeat air to it somehow, but it's about constant failure. It's such a contradiction and I love it.
Good job. Hope this review helped!
Happy Review Day!
-tgirly
Hi! Infinity here to review.
Right, I'll start off by saying I really enjoyed reading this poem, I liked the simplicity, creativity and the way you kept the reader captivated at each point of your journey, I also especially love your explanation and internal thoughts as you go along in the poem, please do more of that in your work it's great to see, you automatically make a connection by separating how it's a good day to how it's also a dreadful day. I like the title of the poem too.
This will probably be a short review as it's a great piece of poetry, however there is always room for improvement so I'll give you some suggestions that may help improve your poem even more.
"I went out for a morning run
trying to stay in shape
to enjoy myself
searching for a little bliss
on a cool daybreak"
Ok good opening but I would cut out the part about trying to stay in shape as it ruins the flow of your poem slightly and doesn't create poetic imagery as just saying you were searching for a little bliss, which is better imagery.
"when anything seemed possible
but I tripped
over a rock in my path,"
Here the flow got disturbed.
I think that's due to adding the word "but" it doesn't make sense so you should probably take that out.
I like how the bracketed words are kind of a separate poem too.
Overall a great piece, I hope you keep writing!
-Infinity
Wow, just wow. This poem is unlike any other I have ever read before. Its do weird, but in a good way. Its starts off so normal, but in reading it becomes anything but.
At first, i didnt get the point of the brackets, but now that i read it again, theyre amazing. They brink to the poem something unique. You read all of the words outside of the brackets as normal a cheerful, but as soon as the brackets come everything changes. Things become darker and way more menacing so abruptly, its disorientating in a good way.
Though the story here seems normal enough, i get the feeling that its much more deep than what we know. I never knew anyone who could trip so much normally, and practically bleed to death just to lose some weight lol.
In the end, i liked this alot :"). Keep on writing.
Ahhhh this is great! I admire this style. I have not seen this yet and hope to see more like it! I love how the narrator keeps falling, and that's what is keeping them in shape. The message is brilliantly executed. To keep falling when life gets hard, get back up even though you might fall again, and then learn from that. The parenthesis' are a cool way to separate thoughts from what's actually going on. The flow of the poem is a little choppy, but in this one, it works. The back and forth state of the narrator goes with the punctuation. One of my favorite poems I've seen today:)
hmm.. to me it seems like you are comparing running to writing. I'm sure that MIGHT sound like an odd assumption but maybe you could understand if you read it from that perspective.
If so congrats cause it defiantly reached me!
What I liked?
-Content
-story
-The use of the rock being small.
What can be improved?
-flow is the biggest one. I often found myself tripping over your words and repeating the same boring sounds and it really distracted from your message.
-using () so encapsulate meaning in what you are saying. Alot of people like poetry that says things in the fewest amount of words, having to use () to resay your meaning makes it sound unprofessional and a little weak to me.
-use of daybreak because it is already the morning, I ask myself why daybreak? I don't know just a wee little thought
Thank you for writing!
Your Hero,
ImHero