Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
I'm just going to break this up arbitrarily for the purpose of reviewing.
Most people just bash commas around anyway, and end up pointing out atrocious run-ons. But you can use capitalization to give cues, separate ideas. I know Word auto-caps the first letter of every new line, but you can tell it to stop that by clicking the little lightning bolt drop-down and pressing "Stahp that." (Maybe that's not verbatim.)
Concerning the holistic structure of your poem:
Single stanza, hardly punctuated? Don't sweat. If you just use breaks consistently, it doesn't matter. If it gets across, it gets across. Don't worry about the people who get all hung up, they're just being picky.
Spoiler
Pah, particles. Destroy them. Eat them. Shred them. I don't care, just make them go away.
You could conserve syllabic length in your 3rd line by being generic (not generic particular): "Pursue a path". But it works fine without a preposition at all.
I could be really picky here. Just know verbs are greedy with your work's focus. If you don't focus on them, they get pouty and mean.
For instance, "push-pull, catch, scold, save the rigmarole" versus "I feel pushes and pulls, catch me and scold me, save me the rigmarole." The first one is immensely more powerful, and it's all because I capitulated to those greedy nasty verbs and dropped my subjects and objects from the poem.
What can one do? They look good in the limelight. -hint-hint-
General critique:
Some contradiction: What do you want to do in this poem? Exciting journey? Find a "place"? Dedicate everything to the pursuit of some all-engulfing goal?
You would ride dying stars and run the course a hundred times... for paradise. I get it. But "I'd fly above/the mighty din/so I could see/where I fit in" - you are above the din. The language inherently suggests you have succeeded, you have transcended the petty noise. So the secret paths you can't see, it is as if you are on one, just waiting to realize it.
I don't now that the poem was meant to have that level of depth; to inherently contradict itself. If so, then - by golly - excellent. But you can drop more hints. If not, then... well, that's unfortunate, because it's so good the former way.
Be forever hortatory,
And merry Christmas in Jul-aye,
~Skorlir
Hi there, Sparkle. ^_^
I am GeeLyria, and I'm going to be reviewing this for you.
First off, I want to welcome you to YWS. If you have any questions about anything that has to do with the site, feel free to contact me.
Now, let's get to talk about your poem. Your poetic skills are flying somewhere above the clouds; you made it flow beautifully, while it was entertaining and easy to understand. It was like a magical melody; the kind of poem worth reading a hundred times. I must say, that is an amazing talent that I do have to praise because your effort is reflected in the lines you have written.
However, if I'd have to give you a suggestion, I'd tell you to create stanzas and make the lines longer, only because it might make the poem look more attractive and organized, and readers appreciate that.
Example:
Although, that's optional.
That's pretty much all I have to say. I really look forward to read more of your works. Honest. You are great!
~GeeLyria.
I've just realized that you are 13, I have to say for a 13 year old this is an amazing piece.
I couldn't write half as good as that when i was 13
Well done and Keep writing.
First of all i think the previous reviewer had very valid points, it is a good poem but it has to much of a simple structure which relates back to the language.
"I'd cross the plains
Ride dying stars
Persue the paths
To anywhere far
I'd climb a peak
Sail through the sea
So I could find
A world for me"
I really liked the way you started this poem, the words worked really well together and it made me want to carry on reading, it also has the potential to be better in my eyes.
I think if u extended this piece by creating stanza's and if you extended more in the middle it can be even better piece.
So all in all its a good poem but it has potential to be much better.
Happy writing
Abid.
Hi there,
One thing you've got under your belt is a strong sense of rhythm and rhyme. It comes off the tongue quick and slickly, the only problem being the lack of punctuation or stanzas makes it sound broken in some places. I don't think you should do what das says regarding speech marks, but instead just break this into standards. I would suggest something such as this:
[quote=my edit]I'd cross the plains
Ride dying stars
Persue the paths
To anywhere far
I'd climb a peak
Sail through the sea
So I could find
A world for me
I'd run the course
A hundred times
And write a book
All filled with rhymes
I'd fly above
The mighty din
So I could see
Where I fit in
But still as far
As I can see
The secret paths
Are closed to me[/quote]
In terms of your imagery, well it's all quite simple. There's nothing really challenging or extraordinary and it all feels a little, you'd do this, you'd do that. Of course this doesn't mean its bad by any means, it just doesn't really stand out. I think you could make this very enjoyable if you made it more of a narrative piece and gave your rhythm and rhyme a sense of story; that way we'd be much more engaged with your imagery.
Also:
Did you mean pursue?
Hope this helps. Keep writing.
Wonderful! I think that punctuation would help it though.
"I'd cross the plains
Ride dying stars
Persue the paths
To anywhere far"
(Okay I think you should put a period after stars and after far. Also its pursue)
"I'd climb a peak
Sail through the sea
So I could find
A world for me"
(Again I think you should have a period after sea and me)
"I'd run the course
A hundred times
And write a book
All filled with rhymes
(Maybe you could break it up into stanzas, although it looks nice as it is, and maybe a after times and a period after rhymes? )
Okay i am going to stop there! This was a really good poem!
~mari~