Conundrum

Hi there, Sparkle.

This is a cute idea. I like your rhythm, and your ideas. I also like how your ideas build up to the last line. You brag about all these things, but you can't describe this person. That's really sweet.

The first thing I noticed is that you start every stanza except one with I. And in the stanza you don't start with I, it's the second word anyway. The rule here is the same in prose: try not to start every sentence (in this case, stanza) with the same word. Especially don't start it with the same pronoun. Perhaps try varying your stanza structure so not every stanza starts the same.

That made them all talk.

Hi Sparkles

I think this poem does something interesting with it's structure, but I think you can push it further if you let yourself go a bit. Using the structure of introducing a scholarly thing, and then expanding on that idea is very cool, but I think it is hindering the poems ability to branch out and explore with the way you go about it. Currently, I like the 'Holy-er than Thou' feel the poem gives off with saying that the speaker has done all of these great things as just mid-day snacks, more or less, but I find that I would rather have examples of the knowledge possessed than just a statement that it is. If you, instead, write the Shakespearean stanza in his English, and use it to attempt to express the idea, instead of stating that you know it, I think the poem will have more legs to walk on.

As for the others, I think that trying to equate the thing you want to describe through their methods will give the reader a sense of "Well I tried this, but it didn't work" instead of "I am so well educated, hail me, but alas I have failed to apply it to why I am educated in the first place." Personally I think it would make the speaker sound like less of a know it all and more like we get a sense of what they're trying to say. One of the best things about words is that we can grasp implied meaning, so if the speaker tries to say it in all of these different ways, then we will gather what they're talking about.

As it is, it might be anything form the death of their loved one, to their inability to express their own love. At this point, the poem doesn't really make that clear. It only makes clear that the speaker cannot use their gathered knowledge from school to express themselves.

With that said, I think you have a very clear voice for your narrator, and I like that. I enjoy the plays you have on rhyming. Shoo, you, Bach, talk, zeal, meals, it's not exactly rhymes most of the time, but it is close enough to trick the ear, and that is fun.

Hello Sparkle! Dogs here with your review toeday! Ok lets jump in now shall we? So good poem here, cute idea with an intresting ending. I like the start of the poem and I like some of the imagery you use. But your biggest problem is that you use too much repitition. Most of it is entirely un-intentional on your part, but it's the repitition of unnecessary words, like "you" and "that" and all those simple words. Furthermore your rhyming works most the time, but sometimes it hurts your rhythm more then helps it because your rhyming sounds way to forced.

Good opening here, brings in the readers attention and it sounds smooth. I wouldn't change much there. Except for the fact that you really don't use any grammar except for periods. Which is an issued because it makes your writing so much harder for the reader to read through smoothly. I would most certainly add more grammar in, also I would suggest you don't capatilize every single line. It looks sloppy that way.

Ok, so in your rhyme with the second stanza you just rhyme "you" with "you." Rhyming a word with the same word not only sounds awkward but it really doesn't show off your talent as a writer if you're using rhyme. Also gramatically this line should look like:

"I've done math equations
that may just astound you.
And my words have built castles,
that right now surrond you."

Also that last line of that stanza sounds so incredibly awkward and forced.

Third stanza you used "and" in far too close proximity of eachother. Breaks up your flow and makes your story sound like a "and then this happened.. and then this... and than.. and than and than and than" which is just difficult to read. Also "that made them all talk" sound so out of place and awkward, re arranging wording to make rhyme almost never works in your favor as a writer.

Ok fourth stanza is fine, although I would suggest adding in some more exciting words, there really is a huge pizzazz factor to this piece that makes the readers jaw just drop.

Ok, intresting way to end a poem. I was wondering where this was all gonna come together and you break it together rather nicely. Although I would hardle call wherever you sit a "chamber" because what I deem a "chamber" is like the "chamber of secrets" from Harry Potter. Of course that's just the effect of media and television on our society in that all our imagination is related to such things... anywho! All and all this is a relativly good piece in need of a little polishing. Especially in the rhythm department. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey there Sparkle
I don't usually review poetry, so I'm just gonna write whatever comes to mind and hope I'm making any sense.

First, I liked the rhyme scheme and how you made it work. If my poetry knowledge isn't too rusty, I'd dare to say it's in ABCB format, no? I'm wrong? Okay.

Second, this bit was really cool to me: