F
I wait on the brink, my mind in turmoil. I cut white paper into tiny pieces, the scissors glittering in my hand. I am waiting, for what I don’t know. For dawn. For dusk. For nothing at all. For everything.
A
The wind whistles in my ears. I rock back and forth in the old rocking chair. It creaks, each noise a tentative scream. My hair flutters about me like a cluster of butterflies startled by a movement.
L
The scissors snip at the paper, and suddenly they catch something larger and softer. Blood seeps from my finger, staining my dress. The scissors stop. The red is bright in this sharp, grey landscape.
L
I stand up, the pieces of cut paper tumbling down into the ravine at my feet. Blood drips down with them, intermingling with the snow-like flakes of paper. A deadly rain of red and white.
I
My dress snaps and whips around my legs. Bare feet gripping the edge. Tenaciously or barely? I can’t tell.
N
Whispers. Screaming. Silence. Blood in the snow. Wind. Nothing but wind. I can’t hear I can’t hear I can’t hear I can’t hear the silence for the wind
G
Suddenly my feet lose their grip and I realize I have always been
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,543 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Certainly surreal.
Take with salt; mind the edges.
I like to break things down. Your biggest problem, in a technical sense, is diction.
Flow/grammar corrections.
"tentative scream." Tentative is a very abstract descriptor of a scream, and it slows the work significantly in this passage. A scream can easily be heard as loud, screechy, slow, harsh, mild, meek, intermittent, clear, ringing, soft... But tentative does not readily apply; I must think about it. In this work, I feel I do not want to stop and think - not until the end.
"cluster of butterflies startled by movement." Reconsider: "cluster of startled butterflies." It says everything, it's just shorter - stronger.
Dashes. I love dashes. You could use them for abrupt transitions: "The scissors snip at the paper - suddenly they catch something larger, softer - blood seeps..." so on. In this work, you can speed the read and build faster, stronger, by using more varied punctuation.
Decrease the number of prepositions and other egregious words you use. I feel like this work builds speed, then hits roadbumps attempting to maintain it. Decreasing word count (meaning abstract, egregious words) will help.
"Tenaciously or barely?" Ahhh... diction. Tenaciously just doesn't seem to fit. The word is too much. If you really love that word, try "Tenacious or unsure?" Otherwise, "firmly" or some such word would better fit.
This is exactly what I want more of the poem to be like. Startling. Curt. Firm. Not as firm - then it won't build. But increasingly so.
Good.
I think through the poem too much, and see the end before I reach it. That kind of steals your thunder. Make me stop thinking; wrap up my mind in quick-clip stanzas that jump at my eyes, make each stanza blindingly strong.
Altogether, I like the idea. I especially like that the spacing around letters in Falling increases (and I bet that was on purpose, but it's hard to notice since YWS eats formatting right now).
Be forever hortatory,
And happy Christmas in Jul-aye,
~Skorlir
I really like the concept of this poem and I really like the style it was written in. I really liked the stanza after N, it was definitely my favorite. I didn't quite understand the symbolism behind the white paper. Was there any? I'd be interested to hear what your intent was.
The way you wrote this work is unlike any I have seen. And I am not saying that to criticize, but to compliment you for your uniqueness.
I just have two things that I would like to point out to you. And, as with any review, you are free to take my advice or to ignore it. It's your work, and how it is written is your prerogative and not mine.
I can’t hear I can’t hear I can’t hear I can’t hear the silence for the wind
I think that you should separate all of the 'I can't'(s) with a comma, and end the sentence with either a period or a comma.
Suddenly my feet lose their grip and I realize I have always been
The ending is rather abrupt with no clear ending at all. If you intended it to be this way, then you have succeeded. However, if you did not then I would once again suggest a period here, and several more wording to convey an ending.
This work is choppy, and seemingly unfinished. Normally in my reviews I would criticize such writing, but with you I compliment it. The writing style you used actually worked for the piece, and suited it so well that aside from the grammar suggestions I have made I can truly find no fault with it. Once again, I congratulate you on a job well done.
Happy Writing!
HT
Hi,
It was very descriptive, and left no gray patches, so well done, you told your story well. 
I just loved this.
Secondly, the F-A-L-L-I-N-G effect you have on the sides is very nice, but it would feel less strange, almost, if you tried to work it into the sentences. E.x.
'For I wait on the brink....'
'And the wind whistles....'
Do you get me, it might be hard, but It leaves something for the reader to discover.
All in all I liked It. I would love to read more, as the flow in your poem is fantastic!!
Keep up the great work!!