This is my first try at writing a slam poem. Not sure how the structure works, and I'm not really sure how to write a slam poem, so sorry if it sucks. XD
Home is where your heart is, but what if you have no heart? When it’s been shattered and given away like playground candy. A loving piece to an insecure mother who traded it for a stranger with a ring. A cracked piece leaking pride misplaced by a forgetful father. A hopeful piece to the step mother that threw it away with her wedding ring. A dusty piece to the first boy to call you pretty and a stolen piece to the first boy that burned forever into your heart. A few pieces to the blade that stitched your emotions together and a few innocent pieces to the world for false security. Home is where your heart is, but I didn’t hear a home and I let these overwhelming words that bounce around my mind run down to my hand, and soak into the ink that flows across this page in hopes that someone will write me some instructions to get the pieces back. My soul has begun to unravel and wander around this desert thirsty to belong, thirsty for peace. Tell me how to get these pieces and I promise to sew them together with my honor, my passion, my love and then maybe I’ll finally be able to find home.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
I love this piece, even though almost all of them are my favorites, this one I think can relate to huge portion of people, who are going through a lot
Hey!
I think this is beautiful. I love the idea and I love the format; it says a lot about the narrator in general. I'm not sure if this actually applies to you, but I feel like it's quite emotional.
I don't like to go on and on about grammar and format because I think every person deserves to write the way they want to. So don't worry, it's beautifully written.
Now, about the emotion. The way you portrayed the whole situation, depicted it as though some of us are without hearts and are lost makes it even more outstanding. So good job. You gave us a variety of perspectives, and made us feel with you.
I'd like to also mention the fact that the desperation in the narrator's tone was quite appealing. I honestly believe you should keep it as it is.
Good job. Write more,
Anon
So, I've looked up slam poetry and apparently it's spoken poetry which is great, because, for me, the way it is recited is a very important part of poetry. However, it does make it almost impossible to review in this format, since I can't hear it. I'll do my best.
I really like how it starts and ends at the same place, and it feels like a very natural progression and return. I also like how it switches from using 'you' and 'your' to 'I' and 'my' in the last couple of lines, signifying an acceptance of the situation (potentially the first step on the road to recovery).
This is a very confusing sentence to read, but since this is slam poetry, it's all in the performance. I'd advise you to take extra care when reading this line, or to shorten or split it up.
I think there should be a period, or at least a comma after 'desert' here.
Overall I really like this, but slam poetry is meant for reading out loud, so I can't say much about it. Keep writing!
Hey! Sis here! I'm not going to go with my usual poem reviewing format, mainly because I'm tired as heck right now...
Okay, so first off this was good. But you have this under poetry, so it should be formatted like poetry. It looks more like a short story right now.
Okay, past that. These words are beautiful. The creativity, emotion, and truth in them combine to an astounding mix of "color." Or...beauty. Whatever. Don't judge.
I'm really looking forward to reading more from you (hence the follow). Keep writing! And, as always, keep smiling! See ya around the site!
-Sis
Waaait.... Slam poetry... *facepalm* I'm such an idiot. Although I now realize this is slam poetry, you could still break it up a bit more to make it look nicer...
this is..... not too bad for ur first poem/writing! :3 ok so here is my review
I thought that this was confusing, but at the same time, I understood it like a simple math problem. that makes no sense whatsoever XD
there is no grammar mistakes that are noticeable to me, but I saw that instead of 'thirsty' u put 'thirty'. it doesn't rhyme, but some poems are fine without rhyming, like urs :3
ok that's all I got o-o noting much to nitpick at. GOOD FER U XD
keep on writing!
~puppys3117~