Love is a door
Opened easily
By broken hearts
The glue sticky
From the rain
Hell is evil
Possessing of souls
Breaking humans
For amusement
For life
The path from hell
Doesn’t end to love
To live is evil
The closing of doors
That never existed
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
So this poem surprised me, but I'm confused on the message. Here is my interpretation if you hopefully don't mind:
First off, judging from the title, this is obviously a poem about love. So everything that I'm reading, I am trying to tie it back to some sort of love story. But the problem here is that there are so many different themes presented. The overall concept is love, but there is no storyline, or maybe just no explanation. I guess I don't really know what it needs. Just some rain to make the glue sticky so it can all be brought together. It seems very distant, not random though, just not finished. I guess the title led me on. I thought I was going to read about a story. So I would suggest changing it to fit the poem better.
Another nitpick is the 'no punctuation' theme. It just doesn't fit well here. I think adding periods and commas and whatnot will make certain ideas stand out. Also, so we, the readers, know when to take pauses.
I'm also suggesting to fix the capitalization. I think that will change as/if you add punctuation.
Overall, I think that there is a lot of potential here and you just have to tie everything together. And I honestly don't mean to sound harsh at all, I just want to give my opinion so you know how to improve your works. (Not just you, poets and writers in general.)
Keep expressing.
-Percybeth
Hi there!
This confuses me because for all the truly broken hearted people I know, it is very difficult for them to love. Perhaps it is something other than love? Something bad? Love is a force for good, in reality, whether it be for the good of the individual or the greater good. Obsession is seen in this society to be similar to love, though it is not. Perhaps you meant obsession? I feel like it would be a more realistic thing to say here.Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
First of all, I think you should change the title, as the My Chemical Romance song that the lyrics are from are quite different from this song, and really, why draw similarities from one piece to another by a different author? Do yourself a favor and find a more original title. Every original poem deserves an original title.
So I read through this and I'm not sure exactly what it means. Let me go through and show you what I'm thinking.
And we have found the drop off to the deep end. Where is this glue? What is it holding together? Does it even have significance to the poem? Where am I? What year is it?
While it's important to establish the world of the poem, characteristics that are similar to general society need not be explained. Such as this; most cultures believe that whatever version of "hell" that is theirs is evil. So, uh, take this out because it's not needed.
Did you mean "in" love?
Obviously this has something to do with the beginning because of the connection of the doors, but nothing really makes the connection between love opening a door and living as the closing of doors. Basically, this is really confusing because it's super vague and you need more in here to make connections between whatever you're trying to connect. I agree that you should leave room for the reader to make inferences, but you can't send them up a creek without a paddle. Give them a paddle. Let them infer, but also show them what to infer.
Your lines are extremely short. I suggest combining them to make the lines a bit longer, and thus flow better into one another.
About the lack of punctuation in your piece: ABC's of Punctuation in Poetry. Read that, please. It's very informational! Another thing that kind of relates to that is your capitalization. You can read about it here: Capitalization in Poetry
I think that changing your punctuation would improve the clarity quite a bit. My overall advice is to make this not quite as confusing. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Have a nice day, and keep writing!
Hello, shiney1 here to review!
Overall Impression
Whelp. This poem was pretty... depressing. If that's what you were going for, than kudos to you! The diction here was very nice, and convey a sense of hopelessness and set a somber tone throughout the poem. Nobody (in their right mind) likes a flat, boring poem, but the imagery in this piece was great!
However, this poem doesn't read that well for someone who is seeing it for the first time. Or the second.
Nitpicks
There is nothing wrong with having a poem with very short lines, but in order to do that you must make it work, or the poem loses a good amount of potential. I honestly don't think you made it work well here. Multiple times during my first two readings of the poem, I had to stop and reread a set of lines because the subject transition was too abrupt to follow and make sense of. Having to do that snaps me out of the poem's mood, which is not a good thing. I'd say that you should work on those transitions a bit more to control your poem's flow; trust me, it makes all the difference, even if you have to make sentences a word or two longer.
That's pretty much the only issue I have with this poem. Keep at it!
~shiney