If the moon is the light among the dark, is it the savior of the stars? Does it feel the pain of burning souls miles and miles away, hoping to call them to a place that could light the path on which they travel? The moon, so small, it breaks night after night, losing pieces to the unknown thieves of the night, only to find them in the darker parts of the mind. If given a name would the moon be lost in a galaxy of labels or would the curiosity deepen?
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hey there! Shane here for an (attempt of) a review!
So, I basically suck at reviewing shorter pieces, but this one intrigued me, so I'm going to give it a shot. Insert knuckle-cracking noises.
Firstly, I loved the imagery in this piece. I have a fascination with the sky (especially the night sky), and I appreciate the fresh way to look at it. It was crisp, and you got this whole solemn wonder thing going on. It was richly conveyed in the piece, for which I commend you.
The idea you had going for your first line was powerful, but there's something about the phrasing that sort of bogged it down and took away from the grace of the question:
H'okay, so. "Light among the dark" is a bit choppy to read, first of all, and it feels kind of detached from the last part of the sentence? The two clauses are two different ideas, and the section that I bolded doesn't tie them together very efficiently. I'd consider playing with the wording, because dang, that last clause was good. I liked it. Toy around with the first part to put emphasis on the question posed in the second.
This entire sentence was kind of long and hard to follow, but the last part in particular twisted around too much and bogged down the flow. The bolded bit, I think, was the source of it. "on which" sounds like you're trying too hard to be eloquent or something, and it just doesn't work out. I'd try simplifying things here, personally. Something sweet and easy to grasp like, "that could light the path they travel by". It won't run on so much, and the phrasing makes it easier to wrap your head around. We've got questions to wrap our heads around already; we don't need to try wrapping them around the writing style!
Okay, so this was probably my favourite part of the entire piece, as far as the ideas posed go. The wording was a liiittle bit off; again, because the sentence was composed of multiple ideas (one per clause, almost) that didn't quite gel together. I'd suggest breaking parts of it into separate sentences and adding some sort of a brief transition between ideas. Even just adding or removing a word can make a difference where that's concerned. And play with the punctuation, too!
Secondly, the repetition of "night" is really distracting.
And this is more an actual correctional nitpick than anything else, but I added commas where they're needed
I really, really appreciate this piece. The ideas, the images, the underlying message- they're all really quite beautiful to think about. There are just some things to work out flow-wise, and you're golden.
Hope this helps!
Good job and keep writing,
~Shane
'The moon, so small, it breaks night after night, losing pieces to the unknown thieves of the night,'
I really liked that line in particular. This is extremely amazing for just coming off the top of your head. I would have to think about this before writing this so you have a lot of talent. This is probobly the best thing I've read on YoungWritersSociety. It is very discriptive and self explanitory. Love it!!!
Cool! I like the philosophy behind this, even if it was not intentional. I also like that you can read it in a short time, but that it isn't impossible to see how you got it.
But of course, there are a few issues. You could make this two paragraphs instead, which would let the reader see how the trail of thought changes. This line,
"If given a name would the moon be lost in a galaxy of labels or would the curiosity deepen?" is interesting, but instead you could say,
"Given a name would the moon become lost in a galaxy of labels, or would it lead us to wonder further?" Either way is good in my opinion.
However, altogether, this is a great short story, and I love it. Keep writing!!