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140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Breaking Benjamin? XD I'm listening to that right now! (I will not bow) I'm not really a poet, so my feedback may not be too useful. Your rhymes seemed to be perfect, and I don't think even my English teacher could gripe at that. (She hates everything XD) All in all, This was really good! Glad I managed to find this.
Breaking Benjamin? XD I'm listening to that right now! (I will not bow) I'm not really a poet, so my feedback may not be too useful. Your rhymes seemed to be perfect, and I don't think even my English teacher could gripe at that. (She hates everything XD) All in all, This was really good! Glad I managed to find this.
Ooh, I am really intrigued as to what the heck is going on in this poem. I like that your rhymes are pretty good for the most part. If you paid closer attention to the rhythm and meter, it might make your poem even smoother, but nothing really jarred me out of reading.
I just really want to know what happened in the first stanza compared to the last stanza. The first stanza seems to have a villain. Someone who would ignore her screams or maybe even hold the knife to her. That's not just apathy. If someone were suffering quietly and you didn't really know what to say to ask them to open up about the situation, that'd be apathy and something to feel guilty for, but screams are pretty unmistakable. If you mean this metaphorically, you might want to clear that up, 'cause the knife seems real enough.
And then in the third stanza, we have someone who seems to have had a long relationship with this girl and watched her descent. It's definitely realistic that someone who dealt with suicide would have a hard time coping with it. I'm just a little skeptical that they'd do the same. What I mean is they felt keenly the effect of what it means to have someone beloved to you take their own life. If they had learned all that, why would they turn around and do it to the people around them? Yes, it makes good art, one death following the other, but I want genuine emotion that I can believe, and for that I'd need a little clarification.
Hope this review was helpful. If you have any questions or comments about it, please drop me a PM or a message on my wall.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hey there Social Suicide, long time no YWS XD
Speakerskat here to review for ya!
AMAZING! The meter was spot on and the rhyming was fantastic. like NoOne said, there were no grammatical or punctuation errors I could find in here. I really love how you took such a tragic and all to real situation and gave it a lot of emotion and depth when you put it into this poem. You took something rather boring that a lot of people hear about in the news and don't think much of and turned it into quite the interesting work of art!
I look foward to reading more!
~Speakerskat
Very interesting!
The meaning of the poem was very deep.
You kept this poem pretty short, but I think that made the poem even better.
You didn't have any writing mistakes. So............awesome!
I hope to see more work from you!
~NoONe
I'm new to the YWsociety so I may not be able to provide a valuble review. What I noticed is that in the first stanza, you write that he "never came" and in the last stanza you write, "should have left it be". I am confused on what each of these parts are referencing. Other than that, it is a rather deep poem that display's the power of guilt very well.