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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi! I'm here to review your poem ^.^
Before I begin, I recommend periods and commas. Otherwise it seem either incomplete or it runs on. Either way, it's grammatically incorrect in a way. Also, you don't need to capitalize for the beginning of each line.
I'll be going from stanza to stanza like I normally do.
I don't believe "still" I necessary. Besides that what do you mean about the second stanza? Does it mean this person is overweight or otherwise?
So far so good. This stanza is most likely one of he best. Great job.
Spoiler
A quick nitpick. On the third line, standers doesn't make sense. Here's the definition on the web:
Spoiler
(stander) an organism (person or animal) that stands; "a crowd of sitters and standers"
I think you meant "standards", but I'm not sure.
One more thing on the last line. I'm not sure if the flow or rhythm don't make sense or if there's too many syllables. Well, I still don't feel that comfortable with it. I recommend a fix.
Some people are better than others, and I'm not sure if this is related to you, or if it's a story of someone else. This girl seems blind to the rest of society or is she just saying that everyone else is blind to society? I don't really get it.
Love, one of the essential things of life. However, America (I know for a fact) is just married to love, so I might as well agree with what you're saying.
Probably my favorite stanza of them, all. It's just that putting on powder, gloss, or ink might as well just make this girl look worse. That's all that bothers me. Although, great job.
Then what's this?
So how do you do this?
Or is it supposed to be like this? Some minor confusion here. I would prefer an explanation.
Last line. What does it mean to have a slow heartbeat? It doesn't make much sense. Again, I would like it if my questions were answered.
I'm done! This was all I had to say (and ask) about the poem. Great job! This shows much potential, and you show some as well.
Keep writing!
Beautiful<3
Oh my God this is so relatable! there are a couple spelling errors but thats no big deal. I absolutely love the concept of it but I would try playing around with the syntax and use some stronger words to reflect the intense message of the poem. Keep the emotion coming though! Great job =)
~Cassie
Hello! Alright, here we go.
The message in the poem is very clear, which is good, yet I feel like the emotion just doesn't quite get to me. It's sort of like in writing this, you were reading off of a prescribed script. I don't see much of YOU in there, I just see a lot of standardized opinions.
My next and final complaint is the rhyme scheme. Just ending every other line with a rhyming words doesn't give it a full, flowy effect. You might want to count your syllables.
For example,
"I try to fit their image
And I hope, dream, and pray
That once I look in the mirror
My insecurities will go away"
Line 1 has seven syllables.
Line 2 six syllables
Line 3 has eight syllables
Line 4 has ten syllables
Now, under certain circumstances, a messy pattern of rhyming in poetry adds to emphasize the effect. If one is trying to show an actual, tangible sense of lucidity, the "senselessness" in the poetry would move greatly, but I feel like you're not quite going for that.
To clean it up, maybe you could create a pattern in syllables.
Otherwise, nice work.
- Kitty
Wow this poem is beautiful albeit dark, I really wish though that girls did not see themselves this way at all. I, myself, am thin enough. Pretty much a plain Jane. I try not to conform to the way society thinks a girl should look but we all have our moments of insecurity. I would like to see a poem written by you about all the beautiful things about yourself like obviously your writing and etc. Really good work!
~Moxi
Hello there Kat here to review. A couple fixes and this piece will really be flawless!
1. second stanza second line you are missing a comma.
2.second to last stanza last line take out "that"
3.last stanza last line is far to long to flow smoothly . try
"That my heart beats too slow"
"How my heart beat too slow"
"Because my heart beats too slow"
or maybe just "My heart beats to slow"
But thee are just suggestions. I felt this poem had really good voice and was easily relatable, I never feel like I am pretty enough or skinny enough (though my mom says I am and I am obviously super skinny but still not pretty !). I don't wear make up but I feel that all the "other girls" have the good looks and higher standards then me (a band geek).
I loved the message and your writing always talks about often overlooked topics and brings them to life and light in a beautiful poems I think everyone should read!
Well Done
~Kat
This is amazing. I shared it on Facebook to my friends. All of them loved it, by the way, and do I.
)
(Sorry, maybe I should've asked you first before sharing...but it's only to my close friends. But still, sorry!
girls, ladies prefer to be beautiful. but beauty is not everything. albeit being not so philosophical cum beauty expert i want to say that this poem is awesome. i like the sentiments inside it. it's beautiful plus heart touching. i like the stanza....."that we are living...." is mind blowing. it blows my head. i was near to cry after reading dis stanza. one more "so i'll cover up my face....." this stanza is also my favy one..............grt keep it up...........keep goin like this
Nice work!
-Neon