Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
It was cold
The cigarettes were rolled
And shitty music ringed in my ears
This was the night of one of my biggest fears
He got too close
And I froze
The back seat felt isolated
Even though the car was fully populated
He asked me if I belonged to someone
And when I said no, that’s when I was undone
His lips were on mine, his hands on my thighs
He didn’t listen to my cries
He ripped my leggings through the middle
And I didn’t even push away didn’t even twiddle
I didn’t move
Felt myself remove
Me
His fingers possessed my hip
Urging me to strip
I told him that I had never done it before
Unstopped; my body went into a state of war
I stopped crying and shaking
Stopped myself from breaking
I didn’t want him inside of me
Couldn’t he see?
I felt sick
As my skin was his to unpick
I picked up the pieces and smiled
Let myself exile
Whispered in his ear
What he wanted to hear
He grabbed my hair and pushed me down
Until I felt myself drown
His hands everywhere
My brain forcing itself elsewhere
When it was finally over
I let my emotions spill over
His friend smirked
Did he scare you? He perked
No just tired
I expired
He laughed
When you do me next, you’ll be twice as overdraft
The car stopped
The mask dropped
I needed to get out
But he didn’t let me leave without
One last kiss, he’d spoken
Leaving me broken
No mask to keep me fixed
Nothing to keep me whole
Leaving me with a shattered soul
I'm so sorry that happened to you, but that poem was amazing!
I can only imagine what that must have been like, but I feel that you captured at least part of it in this poem.
It makes me feel sick reading about this happening.
I like how you kept it loosely formatted, and I think it helped portray your emotions while writing the poem.
Well done,
- Gnomish
this is amazing writing & i'm so sorry this happened to you. my best friend has had to go through something similar multiple times and its horrible this is still happening. seriously, this poem is so f***ing good.
This is certainly an intense poem, and my heart goes out to you. I read your author's note/piece description, and I hope that the writing process has been a good avenue for you to deal some of the emotions in all of this. Poetry has always been therapeutic to me.
I'm not sure if you're looking for critiques on a piece like this - so I'm just going to keep this review to my observations mostly.
- The short direct choppy sentences, are well executed for this piece as they clearly deliver the emotional dialogue that goes through the speaker's head as the attack happens. The emotions and description of "freezing up" when there's not anything that a person can do - except be a witness to what's going on around them is captured well.
- When an event like this happens, there's really no need for random flowery language to dress up what's happening, and you don't do that, you keep the poetry direct with a few metaphors like "state of war" in there to develop the emotions and explanations.
- One part that was striking for me, were the opening lines setting the scene. How such a normal scene, can become tragic.
This piece seems very raw and I really can't think of anything I'd say to revise. -- I would however softly suggest to bump the rating of the piece, maybe with an "18+" or a "V" for violence, even though the violence is more implied than explicitly described. I always think it's probably good to lean on the side of caution with ratings to help avoid triggering others.
Again, my heart really goes out to you. <3 And I wish there was something more I could say.
peace,
-alliyah
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