I’m skinny now
The blood in my veins had one impulsive rush,
To hate myself enough that I would crush
Even my ribs because there wasn’t anything else to deteriorate
I wanted to hold my bones,
Feel their weight like stones,
Make myself drown,
Tremble, shake, till I had shut down
I wanted to be a paper-thin,
paper-ideal of a person,
weak enough to break in
build anything that wouldn’t weigh down
my toothbrush was a weapon to erase
any little food in my mouth, in my throat,
ready to wipe away anything of note,
even myself, just in case.
But how could I not fall in love with being sick?
The size of a toothpick?
Why would I need my heart to beat?
If the new-found smiles of boys did it for me?
I wanted to be something to be looked at,
Nothing but that,
Pretty, skinny, lifeless girl
A wonderful pearl to hold,
Because I was too weak to uphold myself