I’m skinny now
The blood in my veins had one impulsive rush,
To hate myself enough that I would crush
Even my ribs because there wasn’t anything else to deteriorate
I wanted to hold my bones,
Feel their weight like stones,
Make myself drown,
Tremble, shake, till I had shut down
I wanted to be a paper-thin,
paper-ideal of a person,
weak enough to break in
build anything that wouldn’t weigh down
my toothbrush was a weapon to erase
any little food in my mouth, in my throat,
ready to wipe away anything of note,
even myself, just in case.
But how could I not fall in love with being sick?
The size of a toothpick?
Why would I need my heart to beat?
If the new-found smiles of boys did it for me?
I wanted to be something to be looked at,
Nothing but that,
Pretty, skinny, lifeless girl
A wonderful pearl to hold,
Because I was too weak to uphold myself
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,018 Reviews
Hello! Megan17 here with a review. I was really moved by this poem. Being a teenage girl, I know whats it like to hate yourself and have serious self confidence issues, but this was above and beyond. I really liked when you wrote, "But how could I not fall in love with being sick?
The size of a toothpick?
Why would I need my heart to beat?
If the new-found smiles of boys did it for me?
I wanted to be something to be looked at,
Nothing but that,
Pretty, skinny, lifeless girl
A wonderful pearl to hold,
Because I was too weak to uphold myself"
The detail you included was exquisite and just wonderful. As for punctuation, I dont see any huge mistake, but I myself am not that great at punctuating. Overall, I really enjoyed your poem. I look forward to reading more of your work!
-Megan17
Wow. I wish I was skinny.
My favorite part is.
"any little food in my mouth, in my throat,
ready to wipe away anything of note,
even myself, just in case.
But how could I not fall in love with being sick?
The size of a toothpick?
Why would I need my heart to beat?
If the new-found smiles of boys did it for me?
I wanted to be something to be looked at,
Nothing but that,
Pretty, skinny, lifeless girl
A wonderful pearl to hold,
Because I was too weak to uphold myself
any little food in my mouth, in my throat,
ready to wipe away anything of note,
even myself, just in case.
But how could I not fall in love with being sick?
The size of a toothpick?
Why would I need my heart to beat?
If the new-found smiles of boys did it for me?
I wanted to be something to be looked at,
Nothing but that,
Pretty, skinny, lifeless girl
A wonderful pearl to hold,
Because I was too weak to uphold myself"
You did really good, please write more like this.
Fantastic. I love who you put it together. I wish it is that simple.
Hey Snoops, Divine here...
First of all, I just wanted to say this is an absolutely strong poem that I give you props for writing. It takes a lot for someone to write about something so personal like that to them; so for that, my friend, I applaud you.
Lets get started with the review.
I wanted to point out the rhyme scheme. Your work almost reminds me of Shakespeare because in some lines you rhyme and in some lines you don't. Personally, I believe with this personal of a poem and the way you're words come together to tell a message, you should choose one or the other.
By rhyming some lines with others and then completely throwing away the rhyming in other lines, it distracts the reader from understanding your point and feeling the poem as a whole.
Overall though, I feel as though the words you used to draw an emotional connection from the reader was absolutely spectacular. Keep up the good work!
-Divine
Hey there, Snoops; it's your girl CocoaCat coming in with a review!
Wow, this was really powerful. I adore it; though I had a problem with these couple of stanzas.
"paper-ideal of a person," It really doesn't make much sense to me.
"weak enough to break in" and "build anything that wouldn’t weigh down" don't seem to fit in and really feel like fillers; just there to fill in a few gaps, make the poem more whole or something.
"Why would I need my heart to beat? If the new-found smiles of boys did it for me?" I really think that perhaps the first sentence in the above excerpt could be different. If her heart is not beating she is dead and it really doesn't flow nicely here.
Of course though, everything here is just my view and are merely suggestions. It is your poem and therefore you have choice over how you write it.
Overall though, I really liked it and I hope you do more.