She touches her bald head,
Memories flood back,
Blond and straight,
She thinks.
***
"Why me? "
She pleads,
"Because heaven needs another angel."
Her mother whispers.
***
She sits down,
Standing too long hurts.
"Why me? "
She cries,
"Because heaven needs another angel."
Her father comforts.
***
It hurts,
Everywhere,
She yells for them,
They run to her.
***
A white light meets,
And all feeling is gone.
***
" Bye my angel."
Her mother sobs.
"I love you"
Her dad whispers.
***
She touches her back,
Wings stroke her,
Long and white,
She spreads them wide,
***
Touching the clouds,
Maybe she is an angel.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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129,569 Literary Works • 671,508 Reviews
Heya Lau!!
This is Eros here!
Ohh!! This was a really emotional poem. The girl in the poem was suffering from a deadly disease -- Cancer and then she ultimately dies. She is sad and cries and asks everyone that she is suffering. She asks what has she done for she got a disease of knowing death. Then, her father and mother make he understand in a really soft manner that heaven needs another angel. Thats the main ppart I liked about the poem.
The overall idea of the poem is really veeeeerrrrrryyyyyy awesome! I loved the poem.
*Hits the like button*
Keep writing Lau!
That is a really really sweet poem. i loved your concept and also how you told simple things in simple words.
the use of direct speech really emphasized your talent, but perhaps using the same speech of the other about heaven wanting another angel done twice was a little over done. may be skipping that line would sustain the flow.
overall it was a very good piece. please keep posting such poems as i would love reviewing them.
keep writing
Rituparna
Thank you!
welcome
Not too bad.
CaptainSalty here with a review!
This poem is sad and dramatic, in which I do like about poetry. Though, there are some tweaks needed.
In the beginning, you didn't give a lot of knowledge about the characters, so saying "she" constantly sounds very confusing.
You said that is what she was thinking, right? So them her mother can read her mind? Also, add quotation marks where they are needed.
Add quotation marks.
What does she say when she yells for them?
I would say "and all feeling is gone."
This part is confusing. Either her mother is sobbing those words or her dad is whispering those words. That part is confusing.
Maybe? Umm, I think she is taking in mind that there are white wings on her back. I would say instead, "She is an angel."
Overall, this poem is a bit of a jumble. Things just switch from one scene, to the next, to the next. Everything is just happening too fast.
I do like this poem though. I really like the concept about cancer and the sad quality about it. Good job.
I want to read more of your poetry. Don't give up and always write, Lau2001!
-CaptainSalty
I can't get myself to review this one. Some poems are beyond any literary mistakes , reaching high above with an aesthetic value :")
Heeeyaaa...I'm Urba
Here to make a review...of course...
Yaaaaayyyy....(Is the expression of everyone after reading an amazing piece and mine also)
Well I would like to thank you first for writing something for the cancer patients. I can understand the sufferings of a cancer patient and I can also feel the ones who loose their loved one...(One of my favorite writers(Humayun Ahmed) is gone after suffering from a severe cancer)
The thing I loved that you imagined the cancer victim as an Angel...they really are!!!I've seen. I can imagine a girl spreading her wings to heaven...
Now we come to the middle part of the critique sandwich...
Mothers should be Mother
to should be too
[quote[She whispers. [/quote]
It was not really needed here...
and nothing much...
Keep writing and stay warm
Best wishes...
~Urba...
Thank you! I will edit right now.
Ooh you're welcome and feel free to ask any questions as you are a newcomer...
Thank you!
Aww! This was amazing! I really enjoyed your poem and the whole idea of it! It really brings awareness to the struggle cancer patients go through. I think that while this may look at some pain, the over feeling is bittersweet. If that makes any sense at all.
.
I really rather focus on everything in this poem. Mostly the idea, formatting, and punctuation. Also I might just add some other stuf just cause, but yeah I'm gonna shut up and start doing the review now
Okay, you obviously should know that I personally love this poem. I love the idea and creativity. Now, some people may look at this and not see any originality, but I can see some of your own personal touch and what the deeper meaning behind this might be.
The idea that a girl has cancer and is going through a lot of pain and suffering is a topic covered by a lot of authors, but I think that you have brought something new to the plate. I think that your description and overall idea of her turning into an angel gave it a little extra spice and made it unique.
The formatting. I'm sorta big on formatting, maybe that is why I loved this poem so much. The formatting is organized and constant! I love that! It gives the look of the poem a nicer feel which might make more people gravitate towards your work. Your formatting was total perfection.
As for punctuation the only problem I see is was in this line:
Bye my angel,
Her mother sobs,
I love you,
Her dad whispers.
Instead of a comma after the word 'sobs' you can put a period. It shows that you are starting a new sentence and also moving on from the mother to father. That's honestly the only punctuational error I see.
Overall, great poem! You have an insane gift and I am stoked that you are using it! Keep up the great writing, and make sure to write more!
Keep writing bro. '
~#41
I will! Thank you! I will also edit it!